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Thread: Wants To Hang Out Then Aloof?

  1. #1
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    Wants To Hang Out Then Aloof?

    There's a friend of mine (we are both females in our 30s) who I developed feelings for recently, however she had gone through an apocalyptic breakup and so I was kind of taking a wait and see approach, sensitive to the fact she might not be ready to date yet.

    Some time has passed now and I honestly thought I sensed a spark when we were hanging out one on one...we have really good chemistry. However recently I feel like she's suddenly becoming awkward/aloof when we are in group situations and it's throwing me off because then I get the sense that she doesn't want to talk to me or something and it throws my confidence.

    I took a step back because I was feeling discouraged, and since I had initiated the last few hangouts I decided to let her kind of come to me. Which she did, she texted me wanting to hang out as she had been on a work trip. She seemed very eager and excited to meet up, giving me a ton of options of days and stuff. Our initial plans got canceled because of bad weather so we ended up hanging out in a group situation this weekend. We met up one on one briefly before going together to join the group and when it was just us things were totally normal and fine. But once we got to the rest of our friends she seemed to be super chatty with everyone but me. I mean she talked to me if I engaged her, and was friendly, but at a certain point I wanted to see if she would kind of come to me and initiate but she didn't. This discouraged me because I was worried why she was avoiding me, doubting myself, etc. Basically thinking that I was wrong in sensing a spark/chemistry.

    And this has been the last few times while in groups. Seems eager to make plans/see me over text and then seems...awkward? She is usually pretty confident and relaxed and chatty with people but then doesn't really do that with me? And that throws me into a feedback loop where I pull back because I feel like she has pulled back.

    When we are one on one though things are fine, and I feel the spark/chemistry again. She religiously watches all my Instagram stories as well, makes comments and acts engaged, and I just get the sense she is paying me more attention than average. But then I get this mixed signal crap and I tailspin in confidence.

    Look I should be over this by now at my age, but as a late bloomer who has suffered more than their fair share of rejection I need some positive feedback or I really have a hard time.

    The only hopeful thing I can think is that maybe she's just as awkward as me and we are doing the same thing to each other. I don't think she has really asked anyone out before and I have a feeling she is usually the one that gets asked out. She also made a comment several months ago that her ex didn't think she liked her at first, I think essentially because she was all business and just isn't a flirty person and was being unintentionally ambiguous.

    Or maybe I'm reading into this too much and she has zero clue about any of this.

    I will have to bite the bullet and invite her to something definitely one on one next and go from there. But can anyone give me any insight? It just sucks because in waiting to ask her out due to bad timing, my feelings kind of grew too much and now I'm a pile of awkward.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Is she also gay or are you crushing on someone whose sexuality you are unaware of?

    If she is also gay and you are sure of it, then just ask her out to dinner together or something and go from there. Since she engages nicely with you when you are one on one then that should be the way you move past friendship with her. If she's not interested in you romantically, I'm sure you will be able to tell that in how she is with you on the date.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since she's aloof, back off. A person who is interested in you doesn't act aloof and standoffish. Follow her cue and don't obsess over her anymore. It's time to move on.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Since she's aloof, back off. A person who is interested in you doesn't act aloof and standoffish. Follow her cue and don't obsess over her anymore. It's time to move on.
    She's not aloof until they are in a group.

    Ask her out one on one and if she's aloof or she turns you down then that means she isn't interested. Then, I think it would be time to move on.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Is she also gay or are you crushing on someone whose sexuality you are unaware of?

    If she is also gay and you are sure of it, then just ask her out to dinner together or something and go from there. Since she engages nicely with you when you are one on one then that should be the way you move past friendship with her. If she's not interested in you romantically, I'm sure you will be able to tell that in how she is with you on the date.

    Good luck.
    Yes she is also gay

  7. #6
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Her behavior is inconsistent. Something doesn't add up about her. Ask yourself if you want to be with a person who acts one way in front of you and acts as if she doesn't care to know you whenever both of you are in public or in social settings.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Being with someone who is on the rebound can be a roller coaster of hot/cold as they sort through their feelings.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you're meeting with her before the group, then I'm considering how often I go out of my way to chat with my closest friend who I either arrived with or have otherwise already had plenty of exposure to. For instance, when I've thrown parties with a friend or my sister, we might touch base on tasks throughout the night, but we tend to split up and mingle with the people we see less often.

    Another consideration is that she might have a crush on someone else in the group.


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