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Can taking a break save a relationship?


FleurDeLys

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Hi all,

 

I was wondering what was your experience with breaks in relationships and it can be ever healing, and how should it be handled. Last night, my boyfriend and I had a talk and he suggested that we took a break from the relationship. We've been going through a pretty rough path in the last weeks, arguing a lot. He's going through a pretty rough time at the moment, which is making it difficult for him to be fully committed to our relationship and leading to a lot of arguments between us. He thinks at this point it's best for us to take time apart so he can focus on getting better and we both can reflect on our relationship, as we pretty much argue all the time, about the same stuff, and it's suffocating both of us.

 

I agree with him that it's a good idea as myself I'm going through stuff at the moment in my life and is not the best version of myself. We love each other, but the relationship isn't going through the direction we wish it would. But I wonder if breaks can be healing for a relationship? If old problems and grudges are really not gonna come back, if we both work on ourselves during time away.

 

Besides, my boyfriend says he still wants us to occasionnally hang out, nothing physical or romantic, just as friends. I wonder if it's a good idea. He's gonna go abroad to visit some family, in two weeks, so we're not gonna see each other during this time, but until he wants to hang out before he leaves. I told him that I think we should keep contact to a minium because the point is also to realise whether we miss each other and how important the relationship is to both of us. We're going to be apart until he comes back, which is a month from now on, not such a really long time in my book.

 

But at the same time, I wonder if it's possible to work things out with no contact and discussion whatsoever (we are not really fans of text and online communication).

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I feel that the difference between "taking a break" and "breaking up" is really a matter of semantics, with the former being a way to soften the latter.

 

In terms of your question, I think the best chance for this to be a healing moment, ironic as it sounds, is to call it a breakup and treat it as such. Otherwise you're both in a kind of limbo, and it's really hard to find clarity in limbo. You're sort of apart, sort of not, and just adding more discomfort and pressure to a foundation that is cracked. Questions linger, resentments fester, and if you're still talking and hanging out through a "break"—well, that basically makes it impossible to even think of it as a break.

 

It's all very hard, I know. I'm not of some hardcore belief that people shouldn't get back together: I've done it, years ago, and it led to a good year, one I hardly think of as a waste of time just because, ultimately, we didn't do forever and ever. I have four close friends who are now married to "exes," all of whom have really great relationships. But those were all very real breaks: real time apart, time to think, time to grow, so reconnection happened on a new plane, not just a muddier version of the old one.

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Whatever you decide on, make sure there are clear set boundaries that both of you agree on. Are you going to see each other, talk, date others etc.? I tend to be against "breaks" because part of being in a committed relationship is not suddenly deciding to go away whenever you feel like it.

 

I often think breaks are a way of gently and gradually detaching from a relationship when one is afraid of having regrets about a firm decision. It also often leads to monkeybranching because even when both people agree to not see others, one or both often looks around anyway for something new and easy. Be careful and look after yourself in the situation, because it sounds like your boyfriend/ex is thinking primarily about himself right now.

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I think it's good to take a break from the relationship as long as the break isn't too long. However, be prepared because many times a break precedes a real break up after several weeks or a month or so.

 

Hanging out with your boyfriend as friends will be awkward especially for you. Some people can do this whereas some people cannot. It can be mentally unhealthy for you because he will dredge up negative memories of when you were in girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

 

Keep those thoughts in your mind and then ultimately decide if you wish to continue with his preferences.

 

Also, remember that both of you argue a lot which is a red flag. He has personal problems which means he can't have a smooth, content, stable relationship with you. Even a friendship with you could feel rocky since he's unhappy with his own troubles which spills over and affects your well being. Unhappy people hurt others.

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I think when people care about each other in the way they should, that they will work together to solve their issues. Reading books together about communication, i.e., Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. There is also couples counseling to educate a couple on proper communication, with homework given by the therapist to practice newly learned skills.

 

When a person lets you go, he/she knows you are free to see others and that the break might turn in to a forever breakup. I wouldn't consider that person as one who actually loved me. If a person needs a break from me like I'm some toxic garbage, I'd basically tell him not to bother contacting me again, since I don't believe in "breaks." That's just my opinion, though, and others can and do differ.

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What sorts of things have you been arguing about, OP? What sort of rough time is he going through?

 

How does spending time apart address those issues?

 

I am not sure a break is going to fix things. Couples can sometimes use some space to cool down and reflect, but this doesn't necessarily mean you need to take a break from each other. Problems won't solve themselves from a distance. Hanging out just as friends won't solve them, either.

 

If you agree to this, I would define a timeline of when to reconnect and discuss. I would not have platonic hang-outs just for the sake of giving him some company or easing his guilt. You both need a plan of action moving forward, in that you have to have a clear idea of what the goals of such a break are and what you are both going to do to improve things. If he is not on board with this, then I think he is just easing his way into a break-up.

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Sorry to hear this. What are the arguments about. It sounds more like a breakup, but he doesn't more want drama/arguments, so he's using the let's be friends thing. He can't miss you, process or reflect if you hang out. Go no contact. Do not contact him on his trip. Also consider that this "break" is an excuse to fool around while he's away writing himself a free pass with "we were on break".

I feel that the difference between "taking a break" and "breaking up" is really a matter of semantics, with the former being a way to soften the latter.
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In the US, divorce is a solution. Therefore, breaks and separation are part of that solution. Divorce, separation and breaks never resolve anything. The only thing that works if mature and effective communication. Anything less is mediocrity at best.

 

Taking a break is not proof that you miss someone. It is just your brain playing tricks on you. You want something you can’t have. Once you get it, the same cycle repeats. In other words, you will be in the same place you are in now.

 

If there are resentments, address them until they are fully discussed. If either of you feels your needs have gone unmet, discuss them. That means you find out what he really wants from you and make sure he is getting it. Women generally miss this step in relationships.

 

If he is pushing for a break, he may be exiting the relationship gently. If he is, it may be because his needs are not being met. I would suggest you have heart to heart conversation about his needs. Ask what he needs from you. Ask if he feels fulfilled in the relationship. He may say things you don’t like. You cannot be defensive. You cannot play for tat. You can only listen to him. If you don’t understand, ask questions.

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Thanks all for all the interesting and various insights on my situation!

 

As for the source of our problems, my boyfriend actually went through a bad depressive episode after a burn out at work. He's started going out and party a lot, which ultimately led to problems, such as him not holding up to his commitments, overspending, sometimes not being very nice to me... It went to the a point whenever we'd hang out, he'd just want to sleep because he'd be too tired, the only time we'd spend together would be going out with friends.

 

It made me very frustrated with the situation as I felt we were no longer sharing any quality time as a couple, as well as my needs not being met. For the last month, he'd promised he'd make an effort, except that nothing changed so I ended up being frustrated and complaining to him about the same problems. Last week, I told him if he didn't pull himself together and at least tried to work towards getting better I'd leave because the relationship was making more stressed and unhappy than anything. That's pretty much from there he suggested we took time apart. He admitted to having treated me unfairly and poorly and apologised for it, and it might be better that we were apart while he worked himself rather than keep hurting me.

 

As for 'fooling' around, I told him I was cool with it. We had a consensually open relationship with some established rules, except that it wasn't working out for me anymore. So I told him he was free to do what he wanted while we were apart so he could figure out whether bachelor life and our relationship was more important to him (I realise this might sound very strange to monogamous people). But he said that the point of the break was to get some alone time to focus on himself. So I don't think seeing other people is the point at all, in this case.

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I’ve not found that taking a break ever worked for me, as it just allowed us to sweep the issues under the rug instead of facing them.

 

That said I do agree that having boundaries and talking about what having a break means to both of you is important if you want to maintain the trust in the relationship.

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