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Thread: Am I Right to End This Relationship

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Iím sorry but you really need to deal with your depression and stop blaming others for it.
    Perhaps you werenít happy with his behaviour and treatment towards you , but you didnít become depressed overnight. You became depressed because of your own acceptance of his behaviour over time.
    But why did you accept his behaviour and not believe you deserve better? And thereby leave the relationship?
    I donít know of your past but perhaps that is a factor in why you stayed in a situation that you werenít happy with?

    Iím unsure of what the bad behaviour is exactly? You havenít really said?
    Thanks for the reply Billie28. I fully accept that, yes, I did accept his behaviour. I do not accept for one minute that he's blameless. He is a manipulator, pure and simple. I can see it all so much more clearly in the light of day. Love is blind is a very old saying which is apt in my case. He, quite simply, led me up the garden path. He was planning our lives together. He interacted with all my customers and they all thought we were a couple. But, hey ho, everyone was wrong as it turns out. It wasn't just me he fooled. When you love someone you want to believe so you do. I certainly did until the clay feet stood out so much on the pedestool I'd put him on, that I couldn't ignore them. Behind closed doors I was shown a different picture. He would watch movies or the tv and ignore me until bedtime. The charm and the shutting me out were in equal measure. He swore he loved me. I couldn't figure out why he would do so much to the business if he didn't. So I was in a constant state of confusion and cognitive dissonance. I work to earn a living. He's living the life of Riley on the state on every sickness benefit he can claim for. And he's not sick at all. He's a manipulator and a good one at that. I'm glad I've wakened up and all it took was a good night's sleep after a day of abject misery when you're with someone you love but aren't connecting.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    That is so wrong of him to blame your head. How dare he take advantage of your vulnerability? He is so darned self-centered and selfish. You are so right: it should not be costing your happiness. You have a very good attitude. Keep it up, OK?
    Thanks goddess. I couldn't believe the cheek of it either. He's driving me to the doctors as if he cared but not care enough to say I Love You or it'll be alright. He said none of the things that you would expect of a partner. I felt like telling him that it was the so-called relationship that was causing a depression and the doctor couldn't sort that out. But I kept my mouth shut. Strangely, I'm not so depressed now I've made the decision. I've changed the sim on the phone, put his stuff in a bag and he can take it when he calls in. It's laughable how he can wonder how I'm confused when he obviously made a unilateral decision not to be in a partnership without telling the other person - me?! I'm better off without him.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by jannijan
    Thanks for the reply Billie28. I fully accept that, yes, I did accept his behaviour. I do not accept for one minute that he's blameless. He is a manipulator, pure and simple. I can see it all so much more clearly in the light of day. Love is blind is a very old saying which is apt in my case. He, quite simply, led me up the garden path. He was planning our lives together. He interacted with all my customers and they all thought we were a couple. But, hey ho, everyone was wrong as it turns out. It wasn't just me he fooled. When you love someone you want to believe so you do. I certainly did until the clay feet stood out so much on the pedestool I'd put him on, that I couldn't ignore them. Behind closed doors I was shown a different picture. He would watch movies or the tv and ignore me until bedtime. The charm and the shutting me out were in equal measure. He swore he loved me. I couldn't figure out why he would do so much to the business if he didn't. So I was in a constant state of confusion and cognitive dissonance. I work to earn a living. He's living the life of Riley on the state on every sickness benefit he can claim for. And he's not sick at all. He's a manipulator and a good one at that. I'm glad I've wakened up and all it took was a good night's sleep after a day of abject misery when you're with someone you love but aren't connecting.
    He interacted with people and they thought you were a couple but they were wrong???
    They were not wrong , you were a couple!!

    Now you are retracting your statement that he put 8K into your business and that he is actually living off the state? Did you accept his payout and put it into your business knowing where it came from and now suddenly disgusted by that? Just because the relationship is pretty much over? Are you planning on returning that money to tax payers?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by jannijan
    I was interested although that little voice in the back of my head kept telling me he wasn't sincere. But he would go overboard and do really romantic things.
    Attempting to start a relationship by promising a ring isn't romantic, it's a giant red flag.

    Advice from Grandma: "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't respect yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    He interacted with people and they thought you were a couple but they were wrong???
    They were not wrong , you were a couple!!

    Now you are retracting your statement that he put 8K into your business and that he is actually living off the state? Did you accept his payout and put it into your business knowing where it came from and now suddenly disgusted by that? Just because the relationship is pretty much over? Are you planning on returning that money to tax payers?
    About 8k worth of work. I bought the materials and I am a taxpayer. I didn't ask him to do the work. But, as you seem determined to jump to the conclusion that it's all my fault and he's blameless, yes, I didn't stop him from doing the work either. At the end of the day, he made a unilateral decision to end a partnership without telling the partner. I kept asking if he wanted out and he swore blind he loved me?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Yes, you're right to end this. He sounds insincere and noncommittal. His actions don't match his words.

    His words sound so eloquent such as "I'll put a ring on your finger" and "we're together for the moment." Then he wants to go on holiday for sun and hang out with his lads. He's all over the map because he goes from wanting to move in together to both being free agents. He sounds like a nut. Obviously, he doesn't treat you as if you matter and as if you are a priority in his life.

    It's nice that he did a lot for you in the past but nowadays he's not there for you nor will he promise to be consistently available in your life. Let him go. He's too busy enjoying his carefree life. You deserve a man who treats you with daily and long term respect, loyalty and humble devotion. Everyone else is an instant reject!
    His words ďIíll put a ring on your fingerĒ were pursuing words 2 years ago. It was merely flirtation early days.

    His words ďwe are together for the momentĒ are his words 2 years later.

    His words clearly did match his actions 2 years ago for the op to enter a relationship with him. Why did the OP even mention early flirtatious days and compare them to now? Who does that? And why?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by jannijan
    About 8k worth of work. I bought the materials and I am a taxpayer. I didn't ask him to do the work. But, as you seem determined to jump to the conclusion that it's all my fault and he's blameless, yes, I didn't stop him from doing the work either. At the end of the day, he made a unilateral decision to end a partnership without telling the partner. I kept asking if he wanted out and he swore blind he loved me?
    I didnít say you werenít a tax payer. But I fail to see as a tax payer why you would accept a non tax paying manipulator of the system $8k and ONLY have a problem with that when he essentially dumps you?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Attempting to start a relationship by promising a ring isn't romantic, it's a giant red flag.

    Advice from Grandma: "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't respect yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."
    Ouch. But you're right. Still, I'm throwing the snake away now.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I didnít say you werenít a tax payer. But I fail to see as a tax payer why you would accept a non tax paying manipulator of the system $8k and ONLY have a problem with that when he essentially dumps you?
    This guy is a good actor. He was sick, diabeties, was going to have an operation in hospital for something else. I believed him. I have always had a problem with benefit cheats. I do not approve. And he is studying to get back to work by doing a degree that will gain him entry to a profession. I also worried about him as I thought he was doing too much but he just wouldn't stop. A few months ago the penny finally dropped that this guy was just acting. I started to question the relationship then. I did walk out a few weeks ago but he came after me, all sweetness. It was me that was getting things wrong. All in my head. That kicked off the alarm bells. There's nothing wrong with my head. He got a diagnosis of diabeties but was stuffing himself with greasy food and cakes. Then I realised that he needed to get an excuse to postpone an open university exam. More alarm bells. The more I questioned the more he saw me as having a problem with my head. I'm in a vulnerable position Billie28 and I work 24 hours day, seven days a week more or less. I make my own living and my personal circumstances are horrendous. Yet I've never, ever taken a penny from the state. And he hasn't dumped me at all.
    I'm dumping him. He still sees me in his future although I can't figure out as what and I don't care any more. I've been taken for a ride. I'm not the first. I won't be the last. I'm sure karma will bite him on the backside sooner or later.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It's just not working. Do you share a phone plan or a business? Do you live together? Just end it then block and delete him and all his people from all your messaging apps, accounts, and social media. Change the locks and change all your passwords on all your accounts and devices.

    However do not blame him for all your problems or feel used. Continue your medical treatment and therapy. Bad relationships do not cause depression, depression causes bad relationships.

    Next time do not over invest and beg for commitments from someone who clearly is not as interested in a committed relationship as you are..
    Hi Wiseman2, thanks for the reply. I'm trying not to blame him as I know it's just anger and bitter disappointment causing it. He takes anti-depressants too. I haven't been on them for 30 years. I was on them for six months way back then and I never looked back until now. I accept that my attitudes may have caused the beginning of the end. But I was never convinced he was absolutely sincere. He was very interested at the beginning and had to work hard to get me to return that interest - about six months actually. Now it's the other way around. But I do think it's best to end it now and just remember the nice bits. We don't share a phone plan or a business. For whatever reason now I think the relationship has just run its course and it's time to end it. I may go and see a therapist but the tabs are working again and at least I get a good night's sleep which helps me to focus during the day.

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