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Thread: How can I stop being an ďenablerĒ in a relationship?

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Gymgirl71's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Though the term 'teaching him how to treat you' was said, the message isn't about teaching him to change or playing games. It's about acknowledging his action towards you aren't right and you staying even though there isn't any change.

    You take some time to reflect on how you believe you deserve to be treated in a relationship. You work on the confidence and self esteem to create the boundaries and enforce it. You speak up on your own behalf and have the strength to walk away when you recognize this person doesn't care enough to treat you in away the feels right.

    The primary focus is on your own self care and live your life accordingly.
    agree. I am a reasonable person...if the person has a work/family issue, is sick (and not every time either) then I can understand..things happen. SOMETIMES. Cancelling regularly when we have concrete plans with some bull excuse didnít fly. When I would call him out on his behavior I would get ignored or he would say if I canít be understanding then we can just move on. What??!! This is a guy who thinks heís a good catch

  2. #12
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He doesn't see you as an equal partner in this relationship. He sees himself as a superior, one who can cancel plans on a whim and expect others to just deal with it.

    Unless you establish some clear boundaries with him, the issue will continue.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like a case where he just wasn't in love with you or interested in you but was too afraid to treat someone better. Try to avoid individuals (megalomaniac personalities/arrogant/loud or passive aggressively manipulative/belittling) who take advantage of others. You may be able to spot them easily over time. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with kinder individuals or others with a bit more conscience or sense. Being kind shouldn't be misinterpreted for lack of intelligence or being able to know the difference. A lot of people make that mistake.

    Just keep being you and keep associating with others that honour you. Honour yourself and respect yourself enough to know what's right for you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    And how do you teach him that? Ignoring his calls? Donít be available to see him? I donít want to play games but acting like he did nothing wrong isnít the answer
    If you want to stop enabling someone, you have to accept that you are not his teacher. You have draw a hard line and walk away. Aim for a partnership, not a parent-child or teacher-student relationship.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You stop being an enabler by exiting and dissolving the toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

    It took me many years to finally give up on those who lack empathy and possess either low or nonexistent emotional intelligence (EQ). I don't deal nor engage anymore. Get tough, be strong and change the way you think permanently. It becomes easier to deal with complicated people or you simply leave them alone. I opted for the latter!

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    100% I was always ďafraidĒ of complaining too much because he would have an attitude and make some stupid excuse. If someone cares, they wonít want to lose you.
    Well no - in a healthy relationship if someone cares they want you to be happy. I'm not afraid of losing my husband -it's not a motivator - I act in a giving, caring way because I love him and care about him and also made a commitment to him many years ago to be there for him. If someone is motivated to act in a caring way for fear of "losing" the person that sounds like a pretty negative mindset.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    agree. I am a reasonable person...if the person has a work/family issue, is sick (and not every time either) then I can understand..things happen. SOMETIMES. Cancelling regularly when we have concrete plans with some bull excuse didnít fly. When I would call him out on his behavior I would get ignored or he would say if I canít be understanding then we can just move on. What??!! This is a guy who thinks heís a good catch
    So here you sound hostile and defensive. Who cares what you think he thinks. Focus on your values and boundaries. Behave consistently with those values and boundaries and keep your eye on that prize lest you become cynical about men. No need to call someone out -be polite but firm.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    So, going forward how do you handle this behavior in a relationship? I know obviously you express the behavior isnít ok but besides that?
    If after you express how his cancelling plans makes you feel and he does it again, you break up with him. Nagging someone to be who you want them to be won't work. Staying with them after you've communicated to them how it upsets you and they do it again and again while you continue to nag them about it, is exactly what enabling is. It is also a symptom of you being codependent in nature.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So here you sound hostile and defensive. Who cares what you think he thinks. Focus on your values and boundaries. Behave consistently with those values and boundaries and keep your eye on that prize lest you become cynical about men. No need to call someone out -be polite but firm.
    Agree, so much so it almost comes of as dare I say youíre still with him...

    Iím not against doing a relationship autopsy, but doing so smack dab in the middle of the anger stage seems like an effort in futility... your emotions arenít objective during recovery.

    I donít think the say you teach people how to treat you means you literally teach them how to do right, your interactions and boundaries whether strong or weak show the other person what you accept, once the precedent is set, Iíd say without some time apart it would be impossible to undo...

    Learning to value yourself enough to walk away when someone isnít meeting your needs canít really be taught, it comes from within once you work on your self esteem and learn your self worth also not an easy endeavor but a worthwhile one...

  11. #20
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    This isnít really about enabling.
    Itís more about self esteem. I think thatís what you should work on!

    You forgive once but not without reasonable communication about how you feel when let down on a planned meeting. Or whatever the particular scenario is.

    The second time it happens , acknowledge that this isnít the person for you and end it.

    Because you deserve better! Right?

    You have simply been choosing men that are wrong for you. The guy thatís right for you , enabling wonít be a factor , because heís right for you! Stop wasting your time on people that ultimately wont change for you but another might be ok with.

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