Is he just not that interested?

Met a guy a few months ago at a party who was a friend of a friend. We chatted briefly and the attraction was instant. He invited me to his birthday party but I couldn't make it. At the time I was also dating someone else.

We had each other on social media and after months of small conversations and him commenting on my posts, we went on a date last weekend.

The date was great! We met at 9 and were talking so much that before I knew it, it was 3 and they asked us to leave as the bar was closing.

Throughout the date he said things like "this is really nice. Isn't it great when you're on a date and it doesn't feel like a date?" He complimented me a lot and also added that he doesn't bother much with the dating scene or dating apps and that I was the first date he'd had all year!

He messaged me as soon as I got home to say he had a nice time and wanted to see me again. Three days later, he messaged me again, apologised for not contacting me sooner and asked what my impressions were of him and he said "I think you're great and I'd really like to spend more time with you".

At this point, I thought it was my cue to suggest something. I asked if he'd like to meet again for dinner and to tell me when hes free. He said "definitely!" but that was the end of it and he never suggested anything. That was 5 days ago and we haven't spoken since. At the same time, he likes everything I am tagged in on social media (feel so childish mentioning sm but seems odd since he's not speaking).

Shall i just drop it? Some of his actions make me think he is not so confident with women and dating, but I already suggested a second meeting, I don't want to message again following up on that if he's not interested, unless I just message him to make general conversation.

Ok. You've done all you can. Now relax and see if he responds. Unfortunately there are a lot of one-and-done in the dating world, regardless of how great the first date was. May sure you don't start making excuses about him being shy, inexperienced, etc. He asked you out, has your contact info, etc.

Met a guy a few months ago at a party who was a friend of a friend. We chatted briefly and the attraction was instant. He invited me to his birthday party but I couldn't make it. At the time I was also dating someone else.

I think it's his turn to message you, although it looks like he's not very interested, sorry. He says he wants to see you again but doesn't make plans. Liking your posts doesn't mean much I guess, maybe he wants to string you along.

I went on several one date wonders like this. I never assumed there was another date unless there was a time/place set up for another date. Sure it's fine you suggested dinner but I don't think it was your cue at all - most guys I know/knew when I was dating wouldn't need you to follow up with asking him to dinner - just an enthusiastic (genuine enthusiasm not gushing) "yes, that would be lovely". No issue that you asked him to set a specific time but since he didn't when given the obvious opportunity assume that for whatever reason he changed his mind about wanting to go on another date -it's disappointing and it happens -the beginning of dating is very fragile and and it's likely nothing personal! Also since you'd been typing to each other for months that might have skewed/biased the in person meeting -despite chatting for 6 hours he might have reflected on the date and realized that his image of you from social media didn't jibe with the impression on the date -nothing bad necessarily at all -just not as compatible.

It's easy to click on social media so it's perfectly consistent that he clicks but doesn't make a plan. I know it's not dating but many many potential women friends seem very enthusiastic about getting together or getting together again, click on posts I write, etc and when it comes time to make an actual plan there are vague excuses or literally radio silence. And when I dated for about 24 years (when I wasn't in a serious relationship) there were several men who couldn't be bothered to make an actual plan but enjoyed chatting and flirting. I moved on ASAP.

When you planned the first date who asked who?

Leave the ball in his court for now. He knows you are highly interested in seeing him again. If you don't hear from him in 10 days from now I'd end the social media connection.

I also think he might have been 100% genuine in his interest up till now as far as his words. And he also might not be interested in dating you which his actions reflect right now.

People are hard to figure out sometimes. They say one thing but can mean another.

It's possible that he wasn't as interested as he let on. Or, he might have become interested in someone else.

You have done everything possible that you can do without looking desperate or clingy.

He needs to message you and he needs to now ask for a date. If he's not initiating, then leave it be.

I also agree with Batya, if time carries on (2 weeks) and he still does not ask for a second date, delete him off of social media and move on.

I went on several one date wonders like this. I never assumed there was another date unless there was a time/place set up for another date. Sure it's fine you suggested dinner but I don't think it was your cue at all - most guys I know/knew when I was dating wouldn't need you to follow up with asking him to dinner - just an enthusiastic (genuine enthusiasm not gushing) "yes, that would be lovely". No issue that you asked him to set a specific time but since he didn't when given the obvious opportunity assume that for whatever reason he changed his mind about wanting to go on another date -it's disappointing and it happens -the beginning of dating is very fragile and and it's likely nothing personal! Also since you'd been typing to each other for months that might have skewed/biased the in person meeting -despite chatting for 6 hours he might have reflected on the date and realized that his image of you from social media didn't jibe with the impression on the date -nothing bad necessarily at all -just not as compatible.

 

It's easy to click on social media so it's perfectly consistent that he clicks but doesn't make a plan. I know it's not dating but many many potential women friends seem very enthusiastic about getting together or getting together again, click on posts I write, etc and when it comes time to make an actual plan there are vague excuses or literally radio silence. And when I dated for about 24 years (when I wasn't in a serious relationship) there were several men who couldn't be bothered to make an actual plan but enjoyed chatting and flirting. I moved on ASAP.

 

When you planned the first date who asked who?

 

Leave the ball in his court for now. He knows you are highly interested in seeing him again. If you don't hear from him in 10 days from now I'd end the social media connection.

 

I also think he might have been 100% genuine in his interest up till now as far as his words. And he also might not be interested in dating you which his actions reflect right now.

Hi Batya,

Perhaps you're right. I guess I just felt thrown by his long messages after the date asking what I thought of him since he really liked me, etc.

He asked me on the date initially. He had asked me out quite a few times before but I always had other plans at those times.

I don't really have an incredibly high level of interest in him so I'll let it go I suppose. I was just willing to see how a second meeting panned out.

Something that left a bad taste in my mouth also was that we split everything 50/50 during the date, but as we went our separate ways he didn't have any cash and couldn't get a cab home - what the heck? I ended up reluctantly letting him borrow $20 so he wasn't stranded which no doubt I'll never get back. We are both in our 30s by the way, not like it's acceptable behaviour to just not plan getting home and allow yourself to run out of cash when you live miles away.

I hope deleting him from social media does not make it awkward or seem petty. I'd prefer to not have random ghosts on it if he doesn't text again, but we have a lot of mutual friends and there's every possibility of bumping into him somewhere.

"asked what my impressions were of him" I think this is a bit off.

He does not sound very interested. I would not contact him again.

Sorry about the confusion. This is, alas, dating.

Trying to decipher this stuff isn't worth anyone's energy. He knows you're open to meeting again, and he can reach out or not. If he reaches out when your window is still open, great. If not, also great. No biggie either way, in your seat. The more you can see these moments as a win-win, I think, the easier dating is.

That said, not having money for a cab? Yeah, that's a record scratch. Also, the text asking what you thought of him? That's a touch peculiar, I have to say. You want to know what someone thinks of you? Go out again, feel it out.

As for social media—everyone treats that stuff differently, but it really means nothing. As Batya pointed out, we all have friends who are active "likers" of our content but who can be next to impossible to see out in the wilds of IRL. If you need to delete him, delete him. If not, whatever. That's my approach, but I have a very detached relationship with social media to the point where if my girlfriend deleted me tomorrow I probably wouldn't notice.

A person who is into you will make that crystal clear. Why did you establish communication with someone you had chemistry with when you were already dating someone?

Not sure why you asked him to meet for dinner and when he responded enthusiastically you didn't come up with a plan when the opportunity was there?

You asked. Was he supposed to follow through?

He asked you out several times and most times you weren't available and told him no.

He could be wondering how much you are interested.

Came back to add after reading your last entry. If he's splitting hairs about splitting the costs, then yah, I suspect he wants you to plan the dinner. Typically those that plan, pays. I don't mind things being financially equitable, but my short hair goes up when I sense someone's posturing themselves about it before hand. Typically not a good sign. IF that's what's going on here.

I mean this in the most compassionate way: Steer clear of him. This person has warning signs all over his forehead, pasted on his front and written on his back and he reeks of issues. 1) It took him months to ask you out, 2) he made offhand comments about a date not feeling like a date during the date (seems insecure), 3) he was far too overly concerned about how others see/perceive him (too soon and seeming to self-involved), 4) he doesn't follow through (unless I'm not understanding correctly, you did ask him to let you know when he was free)

If you haven't heard from him, it's time to let go. Life is too short for this.

I don't get why everyone is pointing to him as the one who dropped the ball. You invited him to dinner, he responded 'definitely,' but then you never followed through and set a place and time. Why not do that?

 

He messaged me as soon as I got home to say he had a nice time and wanted to see me again. Three days later, he messaged me again, apologised for not contacting me sooner and asked what my impressions were of him and he said "I think you're great and I'd really like to spend more time with you".

 

At this point, I thought it was my cue to suggest something. I asked if he'd like to meet again for dinner and to tell me when hes free. He said "definitely!" but that was the end of it and he never suggested anything.

 

 

I don't really have an incredibly high level of interest in him

 

Yeah, the ball is in his court.

If me, I'd just let this go, he sounds quite insecure, passive and elusive.

Why? You asked if he'd like to meet again and to let you know when he's free.

He responds "defintely' but neglected to tell you when he's free (liked you asked) and you have heard nothing since.

Not sure what he expects, if anything -- that you're gonna chase him down asking again when he's free?

No no and no.

If he were interested, he would have given you dates when he's he's free when you originally asked five days ago and together you could have made a plan.

So just drop it, no need to be dramatic or send him some sort of covert message by deleting or blocking him from anything, that's just your ego talking. Just let it go.

If he ever gets in touch again, see how you feel then, but you said you're not all that interested in him either so not sure why this should even bother you enough to start a thread about it.

It seems you are both on the exact same page -- not interested.

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.