I’m just so lost..what do i do?

It’s been 3 months since my boyfriend ended our 3 years relationship. He came back in between telling me that he misses me and we talked for like 2 weeks before ending it again as he wasn’t ready to commit anymore and was more interested in being friends with benefits. Now he still texts me randomly just to “check on me” and “keep in touch”. He is even cool with meeting me just to hangout. I don’t know what to do..I’m still very much in love with him whereas he acts so nonchalant. I have been advised to just block him and move on with my life but I just can’t bring myself to do it. All our memories haunt me and it’s messing with my sleep. I barely even feel like eating. I have also ignored his texts for a few days but in the end I couldn’t resist myself anymore and just texted him back. He told me that I don’t have to reply if I don’t want to as he understands that he hurt me a lot. Also that there are girls he is attracted to but he isn’t serious about anyone. I’m so confused because if you truly didn’t care about someone why would you bother texting them? You would just be done and not look back anymore. I know you guys would probably ask me to just move on but it’s not easy at all. I’ve been trying to do that since a month. I’ve tried to read books, watch series, talk to random people and even going out with friends. No matter what I do he is always on my mind and I’m falling more into depression everyday. It’s very hard resisting the urge to text him telling him that I miss him and to please give me another chance. I feel like doing it even while I’m writing this right now. I’ve become a mess..please just help me.

There are 2 people grieving .

You and him.

Just because he ended it , doesn’t mean there is nothing for him to grieve. He has the upheaval in his life too. The loss of regular contact , the loss of having someone to do things with without even having to make much effort , the ease of it all.

It’s still a transition and for him having you there somewhat is making that transition easier and smooth .

But for you being the one dumped , being in touch prolongs your grief and you will really only start to once he moves on for good, likely when he starts dating someone. He won’t be there for you then.

Blocking him is the only way forward in order to prevent distraction from getting on with your own life.

No one has ever had it easy in your situation but everyone survives.

But you have to try.

I’m so confused because if you truly didn’t care about someone why would you bother texting them? You would just be done and not look back anymore.

This is a flawed, by common, line of thinking for dumpees trying to understand their exes' continued contact. The dumper is usually just so used to having their ex as a constant companion that they instinctively try to keep contact because they're not yet accustomed to not having someone there.

They also often feel guilty for hurting their ex, so some of it may guilt-driven.

The other alternative is that they sometimes want to keep their exes warm in case the single life doesn't work out for them and they want to come back.

I am sure you know this, but the main reason you can't move on is because you are still in contact with him. All the books, videos and hangouts with other people are going to be futile if you're still talking to him. It will hurt for a while to cut him off, but you will never be able to move on if you're in touch. Think of how much worse it's going to feel when he eventually starts fading, you ask him what's up, and he tells you he's dating someone and is prioritizing her now.

But I can’t stand the thought of never talking to him again..

One thing that always helps me is telling them I'm going NC for an unknown time, and I'll text them when I'm done, and thinking that if we truly had a great connection, it will still be there when the romantic feelings subside.

Remaining in contact will only make everything worse. He is using you, even unconsciously, to feel better about the break up. Remember, he has already processed most of the break up beforehand as he is the "dumper", so it's not gonna take long until you hear him say "I'm seeing someone else and it's getting serious". Then he might dump the friendship and you'll be left feeling worse than you do now.

I know it's hard not talking to him, but think of it as just a period of not talking to him until you get through your feelings.

What if I want him back? What do I do? Also should I meet him? I still can’t seem to accept that he’s just gone like that.

Of course you can't! It'll take time and that's the reason you need to go NC. You may even find that you don't want him back. They're surely aspects of the relationship that you didn't like, this is a marvelous time to see if he really was a match or not.

I’m in NC right now ....trust me...for your own sanity and dignity, stop talking to your ex. He changed his mind about you because you accepted his offer of friend with benefits when you really wanted a relationship with him . That’s a low ball offer when you’re worth more than that!!

I’ve been scouring YouTube looking at no contact videos when I get weak. They help a lot...

I also started my own thread here, first step is to stop talking to your ex. He’s the source of your pain...talking to him won’t heal you!!

What if I want him back? What do I do? Also should I meet him? I still can’t seem to accept that he’s just gone like that.

That doesn't change anything, unfortunately.

If he doesn't want to reconcile, it's out of your hands. There's not much you can do. Sorry, I know it's very hard to accept but it's the very tough part of breaking up.

He can't miss you or appreciate what he had no less respect you when you acquiesce to being a doormat and accept and expect so little from someone. Pull yourself together and stop communicating with and hanging out with him. He's keeping you on the radar for sex. The classic string along tactic. It will hurt much worse when he has a new gf and you realize you let yourself be treated like this.

What if I want him back? What do I do? Also should I meet him? I still can’t seem to accept that he’s just gone like that.

It's just a process you'll have to figure out on your own. Nothing in the world is going to possess you to do what's right for yourself unless you realize it deep down. You already know what to do. Slowly over time, you'll realize how pathetic (or "nonchalant", as you say) his initiated conversations are, how lacking in heart or any conscience and how much you really get nothing out of speaking with him. You'll start to compare him to other examples of men and see other examples in the dates that your friends choose and in the new men that you meet and you'll realize how much of a low life or a loser this person really is in the way they have treated you in the past and the way you're being treated now.

You'll figure it out. Right now, you just have to go through all those steps of missing him and agonizing over the breadcrumbs he scatters your way.

Refusing to block him is why you are still in pain.

You can do it. But will you?

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, however, you will survive NC. NC is the only way to begin the healing process. If you keep in contact, it will re-open some wounds that may have started to heal. Is NC hard? Yes, incredibly hard. In my particular case, I didn't want to see him nor talk to him so NC was not a problem. My ex dumped me after being married 29 years. I've been NC for a year now and the pain and anguish gets a little better every day. In fact, I feel pretty good now. You have to be strong though because there will be some days when the temptation will be so powerful. There will also be days when you'll feel like you're back on square one. Please know that's normal. It's all part of the healing process. You need to muster some self-respect. I know you feel panicked right now because he's not in your life. It's a horrible feeling, granted, but NC the only solution that will allow you to move on. Time is the key, my friend. There's no quick fix.

I believe that deep inside you know what to do. If he truly cared and loved you, he wouldn't act the way he is acting. Don't be his doormat. Don't let him use you. Again, you will get through this and, who knows, perhaps one day you will think back and ask yourself "What was I thinking?" And, maybe when enough time has passed, you may not even want him! You'd be surprised. I was totally devastated at the beginning when he told me he wanted a divorce (back in May 2018). Fast forward to today, I would never consider a reconciliation. Good luck, and hang in there. You have lots of people in the same predicament. xx

As long as you do the same thing, you will get the same results.

You're in pain and that pain is making it hard for you to see your situation objectively. This man is selfish and wants you to stick around while he explores his other options. If you think it hurts now, wait until you hear about his new girlfriend!

It feels like you will never move on, but I promise you it isn't true. Get a grip and make the tough call so you can start to move on with your life.

As long as you do the same thing, you will get the same results.

 

You're in pain and that pain is making it hard for you to see your situation objectively. This man is selfish and wants you to stick around while he explores his other options. If you think it hurts now, wait until you hear about his new girlfriend!

 

It feels like you will never move on, but I promise you it isn't true. Get a grip and make the tough call so you can start to move on with your life.

Yes, this ^^^