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How do I help my friend?


Glata

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Long story short, my husbands & my good friends are having a destination wedding in the Dominican Republic in less than 2 weeks and due to recent events about 60% of guests have backed out. My friend is absolutely heart broken and we are now in the process of moving the wedding to another country. (Craziness) My husband is no longer comfortable with going either but I feel like we should be there no matter what (we are in the bridal party) and just be careful in terms of consumption of food, drinks etc.

 

The rest of her bridal party has small children and of course I don’t fault them for no longer wanting to attend but I remember how stressful it was to plan my wedding on home soil so I can’t even imagine what my friend is going through.

 

Everything is so up in the air at this point (literally trying to figure out the airline transfer) and this will cost our friends extra thousands.

 

What can I do to help? Is it tacky to offer money? I offered to deal with the new wedding coordinator and have all favors and decorations shipped to the new destination.

What can I do to ease the stress and heartache?

Instead of being excited she has been crying for 2 weeks and they have been planning this wedding for 2 years.

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The best thing you can do is be there for them to allow them to vent to you, and offer to make phone calls, do web searches, etc.

 

I wouldn't offer money. Not that it's tacky, but it's just not something I'd do.

 

And no, unfortunately, I wouldn't go now either. They don't know if it's tainted alcohol, pesticides, deliberate acts, or something else. So for now, if I were them, I'd just plan it for someplace else.

 

While I get their heartbreak over the change in plans, there would be bigger heartbreak if someone were to fall ill. So just be the good friend and listen.

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Tell her to have her wedding at home (wherever that is) so that ALL guests would be able to attend. It will save them thousands of dollars which they could use towards their home etc etc. Will also save them a huge amount of stress. I know I'll be flamed for this but personally I think destinations weddings are incredibly selfish and ridiculous and a totally unnecessary expense in all ways, not only for the couple, but for all their guests too. But then again, I am old school and don't understand these things.

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The best thing you can do is be there for them to allow them to vent to you, and offer to make phone calls, do web searches, etc.

 

I wouldn't offer money. Not that it's tacky, but it's just not something I'd do.

 

And no, unfortunately, I wouldn't go now either. They don't know if it's tainted alcohol, pesticides, deliberate acts, or something else. So for now, if I were them, I'd just plan it for someplace else.

 

While I get their heartbreak over the change in plans, there would be bigger heartbreak if someone were to fall ill. So just be the good friend and listen.

 

Thank you, I agree. That’s all we can do.

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My daughter planned a destination wedding to somewhere south and in the end had it at home in Ontario, Canada. Many people would not and could not go for a variety of reasons. The groom's granddad was one who could not go, and he was a large part of the reason to keep it at home. I can see the idea of it being selfish tho I would have gone of course had she followed thru with the original idea but our son would not have been able to go....maybe if the couple was only inviting a handful of people it could be made to work but for a medium or larger wedding it's not a great idea.

 

Offer to help her with whatever she wants done, listen to her vent and/or cry. Do your best to be there to assist.

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I can understand people wanting to have their wedding their way but if you have a destination wedding be prepared not everybody wants to spend their year’s holiday or a year’s holiday budget on your wedding . They just don’t .

 

Going away on a lavish honeymoon makes much more sense .

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I can understand people wanting to have their wedding their way but if you have a destination wedding be prepared not everybody wants to spend their year’s holiday or a year’s holiday budget on your wedding . They just don’t .

 

Going away on a lavish honeymoon makes much more sense .

 

I agree, but they wanted to have an intimate wedding (60 people) and every single person that rsvped yes booked it and were excited to go. We had a huge group email chain going with ideas and coordination so she knew everyone who was going really wanted to be there. Now those who decide to not transfer to the sister resort in another country will likely lose a lot of money and it’s making my friend feel awful. We will go to the new destination and got very lucky that all transfer fees were waved. It’s just so much stress & sadness for her and it breaks my heart. My husband is in a group chat with all the groomsmen and (boys will be boys) making light of the situation talking about how our funerals better be included in the price and such stupidness lol.

Meanwhile us ladies are scrambling to get everything in order to alleviate some of the burden.

 

I guess we will be there, do our best to help and make it super fun/ special for them at the new destination. My husband offered to pay for the bridal parties transfer fees and extra charges for rooms etc but not sure if that’s appropriate?

 

All I keep telling her is that it will be amazing and all will be okay and that years from now it’ll be a story to tell and laugh about but right now she’s freaking out. Her best friend since kindergarten backed out (of both destinations) and so did the grooms parents. It’s such a mess :(

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My husband offered to pay for the bridal parties transfer fees and extra charges for rooms etc but not sure if that’s appropriate?

I wouldn't offer to pay for them. These are expenses that THEY should fund and/or their own families (parents) etc (imo). If they can't afford it, then they should have their wedding at home and save a fortune.

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Just be there for them. If you can afford it, include some of the expenses/fees as a wedding present. It doesn't mean there's any obligation to. Your husband and you should be on the same page about it. If anything it's the emotional support that's helping. She has a lot to be thankful for especially with a loving fiance and friends like your husband and you.

 

Help her be reflective and grateful for what she does have in her life. It's all about perspective. Help her go back to the reason for her ceremony in the first place - it should be to honour each other as a couple and the point of having guests is to celebrate that moment with the people closest to you. Having anyone in danger should go against the entire premise of a ceremony or marriage in the first place. Just be there for her and her family.

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Let them take responsibility for their own wedding. If they are planning an expensive destination wedding, they can expect many guests not to be ready, willing or able to attend. That is their own fault for being unrealistic.

 

When people plan these type of over-the-top weddings, they often fail to take into account the cost, vacation time, etc that they are inflicting on their guests. Especially ridiculous in this case is having it in another country and the hassle of passports etc. What are they thinking?

 

She brought this nonsense and hardship on herself for being selfish. Let her cry. If she cared about her guests she would have a wedding people could afford to attend and enjoy her honeymoon at some destination.

Do not offer money. Attend if you wish but stay out of it.

60% of guests have backed out.

My husband is no longer comfortable with going either

What can I do to ease the stress and heartache?

Instead of being excited she has been crying for 2 weeks and they have been planning this wedding for 2 years.

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Destination weddings are not over the top or expensive.

In fact they are cheaper for the couple , however they pass the expense of an at home wedding onto their guests. And probably still expect a gift!

 

Ok so recent events were not in the couples control ,but their reactions were!

60 is not an intimate wedding.

40% of them are still willing to go!!!

 

But she has now snubbed those 40% in favour of the 60% not willing to.

And on top of that , expects 100% of them to now book another flight and hotel on top of their already ridiculous expense just to go to a wedding.

 

Sorry but she either should go ahead as planned or cancel.

She won’t suffer much more moneteary loss that each of the guests.

 

Moving the wedding to a different destination is her ridiculous choice.

And her choice. Not yours.

 

If you are a good friend you would suggest she speak to the original destination planners about holding off on the flowers , food, favours etc and postpone the wedding to a later date. That way it minimises financial loss and perhaps the guests can postpone their plans with minimal loss too.

 

It’s either go with the wedding as planned or postpone at the same destination .

Either way or any other way, her guests will lose out financially. And she may end up with only40% going even ifpostponed!

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Agree with your husband. This playing 'billionaire for a day' at other's expense is a complete fiasco. The groom's own parents backed out!! This whole thing sounds more like a destination divorce.

 

Expect her to cry on your shoulder again in the future when they are bankrupt and going through a divorce. She sounds like a manipulative drama queen/spoiled princess.

My husband is in a group chat with all the groomsmen and making light of the situation talking about how our funerals better be included in the price and such stupidness lol. Her best friend since kindergarten backed out (of both destinations) and so did the grooms parents. It’s such a mess :(
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I agree, but they wanted to have an intimate wedding (60 people) and every single person that rsvped yes booked it and were excited to go. We had a huge group email chain going with ideas and coordination so she knew everyone who was going really wanted to be there. Now those who decide to not transfer to the sister resort in another country will likely lose a lot of money and it’s making my friend feel awful. We will go to the new destination and got very lucky that all transfer fees were waved. It’s just so much stress & sadness for her and it breaks my heart. My husband is in a group chat with all the groomsmen and (boys will be boys) making light of the situation talking about how our funerals better be included in the price and such stupidness lol.

Meanwhile us ladies are scrambling to get everything in order to alleviate some of the burden.

 

I guess we will be there, do our best to help and make it super fun/ special for them at the new destination. My husband offered to pay for the bridal parties transfer fees and extra charges for rooms etc but not sure if that’s appropriate?

 

All I keep telling her is that it will be amazing and all will be okay and that years from now it’ll be a story to tell and laugh about but right now she’s freaking out. Her best friend since kindergarten backed out (of both destinations) and so did the grooms parents. It’s such a mess :(

 

Why are you telling her it will be amazing and all will be ok? It won’t.

 

If the bridal parties can’t afford the transfer , no one should have to compensate for that! And if your husband is actually willing to pay for a stupid bridal party over the grooms parents then shame on him!

 

If he wants to be helpful financially he shouldn’t be paying for his mates to go but the intimate people the bride and groom want to go. Parents!!!! Duh!

 

I think you and your husband need to butt out of this. Wait until they actually state where and when their wedding will be and then decide whether you will go or not.

 

Sorry but it sounds like you are filling this girl with positive fluff. Rather than dealing with the practicality.

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Wow - a lot of negativity about destination weddings on here! I didn’t expect that...

 

I think destination weddings are lovely. One of my good friends had one many years ago and it was a great time. It’s true, though, that you have to go in with the attitude of “we’re getting married over here - if you want to come, great - but if not I understand”. You can’t expect anyone to go and you certainly don’t expect any presents. It’s truly about the couple and the marriage. Everything else is a bonus.

 

The problems come in when you expect anything beyond getting married...

 

I do understand the desire to change destinations at this time. That does make sense even if there will be extra expense. And I’m sure it’s hectic to find a place last-minute that can accommodate a last-minute wedding and all the guests. She should have her travel agent on that.

 

But as far as the rest? I’m not sure what else she is stressing about. For my friend, anyways, all she basically did was bring her dress. All of the “planning” took place on site in an afternoon meeting once she got to the resort - about 3 days before the wedding. They basically hand you a “menu” and you choose - do you want flowers A, flowers B or flowers C for an upcharge? Do you want photo package A or photo package B? etc.

 

So... either things have changed drastically or she is stressed and being dramatic. The whole point of a destination wedding is that it’s simpler and other people do the planning for you.

 

So - in terms of being supportive, I would just listen and not add to their stress. Don’t have opinions. Don’t have any extra requirements or considerations. Simply don’t add to their stress. Be accommodating. I think that would be the best help of all.

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I think one of the best things you could do is have a chat with her and make sure she really wants to go ahead with the alternate destination. Not having the groom’s parents and her childhood best friend seems like a hefty price to pay for a destination wedding. I’d be exploring options to cancel altogether, have a wedding at home and then go on an amazing honeymoon.

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Have they asked the airlines if they will work with them? Probably not-as they are so greedy- but just a thought.

 

I would hope that the hotel would work with you, as t is a sister property. Did they say no?

 

The resort is actually being very accommodating and transferring everything over to new destination in terms of ceremony, dinners, rooms, bridal coordinator etc. We had luck with the airlines because we’re members but I heard some other guests had to pay flight transfer fees. If the security level of DR is raised the airline waves the fee for everyone so some are waiting I guess

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Let them take responsibility for their own wedding. If they are planning an expensive destination wedding, they can expect many guests not to be ready, willing or able to attend. That is their own fault for being unrealistic.

 

When people plan these type of over-the-top weddings, they often fail to take into account the cost, vacation time, etc that they are inflicting on their guests. Especially ridiculous in this case is having it in another country and the hassle of passports etc. What are they thinking?

 

She brought this nonsense and hardship on herself for being selfish. Let her cry. If she cared about her guests she would have a wedding people could afford to attend and enjoy her honeymoon at some destination.

Do not offer money. Attend if you wish but stay out of it.

 

Lol what??

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I think you can offer kind words of moral support and advice if your friend asks for it but I wouldn't offer money. This is your friend's wedding and HER responsibility even if her plans went awry. It's certainly not your show nor your problem. Let her handle her own special day. You're in the bridal party and doing above and beyond as it is with your time, resources (dress, transportation, wedding shower gift, wedding gift) and participation.

 

Know your boundaries with friends and everyone for that matter.

 

I want to do a lot for others, too whether it's neighbors, friends, family, extended family, etc. My mother advised never to go overboard nor get too involved in people's lives otherwise other people's problems become your stress. There is unnecessary drama from getting too close and everyone needs to basically mind their own business and take care of their own personal problems.

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I tend to think of destination weddings as designed to thin the herd, because most people beyond immediate family are not likely to be as invested as any given couple may imagine.

 

The only people needed for a wedding are the bride and groom and two strangers willing to sign as witnesses. Beyond that, if a couple wants to throw a big party, that's terrific, but choosing a destination that's not practical or desirable for a majority of their guests comes with an inherent need to adjust fantasy expectations.

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I tend to think of destination weddings as designed to thin the herd, because most people beyond immediate family are not likely to be as invested as any given couple may imagine.

 

The only people needed for a wedding are the bride and groom and two strangers willing to sign as witnesses. Beyond that, if a couple wants to throw a big party, that's terrific, but choosing a destination that's not practical or desirable for a majority of their guests comes with an inherent need to adjust fantasy expectations.

 

I agree and for me personally I would not go to this party in the DR. You can be there for her in other ways and be direct with her that you simply cannot risk you and your family's health to attend her wedding ceremony. You'd love to celebrate with her when she returns.

 

I agree that destination weddings are fine and the expectation should be that those who can afford it and feel comfortable attending will go and that because it's a destination wedding the risk is high that people might not be able to go last minute (meaning illness of a family member or work emergency or other issue so they cannot be away for that long, etc). Some people are more risk averse than others-I wouldn't blame anyone for avoiding the DR right now. Friends of ours are now pretty sure that their illnesses over two winter vacations in the DR -given the symptoms and circumstances -are just like what has happened to the others. It's really scary. And selfish of her to expect anyone to go.

 

No I would not give $ - everyone takes the risk that a destination wedding won't work out.

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Some people are more risk averse than others-I wouldn't blame anyone for avoiding the DR right now. Friends of ours are now pretty sure that their illnesses over two winter vacations in the DR -given the symptoms and circumstances -are just like what has happened to the others. It's really scary. And selfish of her to expect anyone to go.

 

No I would not give $ - everyone takes the risk that a destination wedding won't work out.

 

The OP said that they're changing the country. However, the people who have cancelled are likely already out a large amount of money. So expecting folks to just pony up for ANOTHER trip makes no sense.

 

OP, I'd suggest to the couple that they bring the wedding home to celebrate with loved ones if that matters so much. Otherwise, accept that it's down to the skeleton crew who can afford to make the switch.

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The OP said that they're changing the country. However, the people who have cancelled are likely already out a large amount of money. So expecting folks to just pony up for ANOTHER trip makes no sense.

 

OP, I'd suggest to the couple that they bring the wedding home to celebrate with loved ones if that matters so much. Otherwise, accept that it's down to the skeleton crew who can afford to make the switch.

 

I really didn't understand that - I thought her husband would not go because it's in the DR.

"My husband is no longer comfortable with going either but I feel like we should be there no matter what (we are in the bridal party) and just be careful in terms of consumption of food, drinks etc. "

 

I also would understand if he wouldn't want to go to the expense of a new venue.

 

I agree with you.

 

OP - she can have a post wedding reception at a destination in the future, too.

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