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First time relationship trouble. help?


imsotired

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A bit of info beforehand: Its both his and my first time in an actual relationship. He's employed and graduated, I'm still in college and looking for work. I'm high functioning autistic and have some trouble with eye contact, awareness, social stuff, and some sensory stuff. He and I both can be kinda self critical. I have depression/anxiety that's usually worse during school and better in summer. His mom cheated on his dad, so he's worried his girlfriend might do the same to him/ gets jealous easily. I'm 5'3" and he's 5'10" ish and a bit chonkier than me. We're six months in and while some problems are better, new ones are arising.

 

Ok, so, I love him and he loves me, but I get the distinct impression he loves me a lot more than I love him. He wants to be together pretty much all the time and I like a bit more space. We're currently still working on that. Example: Before, we were practically joined at the hip whenever we entered a room. He gets disappointed that I have to go home by 8pm to babysit my little cousins. He works till 5, which means we only hang out 3 hours a day most days of the week, but he wants to hang out longer and is worried now summer break is on for me, once I find a job we'll be hanging out even less. I know its stupid, but I'm annoyed that he's annoyed. I'm broke and need to get a job asap so I can pay my bills. I hate feeling like the bad guy about this. Sorry, needed to get that off my chest. Anyway, back to the relationship stuff. He likes cuddling, I like doing something while cuddling (watching a movie, playing a game, youtube, etc) In short, he's more physical with expressing his love, I'm not. I'm trying to get used to it though, cause I think it might just be a me thing I need to work on. Not to say I don't like cuddling, I love subtle affection like hand holding, neck kisses, etc. Any advice for the overall relationship? Sorry if i kinda suck at expressing the actual relationship stuff.

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This is a common issue because everyone has a different tolerance for togetherness and the need for time alone. It's a conversation you need to have with him and work to see if there is a compromise.

There isn't a right or wrong here, but merely a difference.

 

You require some time alone and without it you become agitated and resentful (I get it. I am very much like you)

He is the opposite and when you move away he takes it personally.

 

It's worth a try to get him to understand that it's not a reflection of how you feel about him and at the same time you'd be willing to stretch yourself to meet his needs by spending more time with him, if in return he can tolerate the space you sometimes require.

 

As you are experiencing, without the discussion it just leads to resentment and hurt feelings. Talking about it may help.

Ultimately you may find that you two can not find a sweet spot somewhere in the middle and in the end you are incompatible.

 

But between now and then have an open compassionate conversation about it.

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I'm not very compassionate to the fact that he feels insecure about your possible job acquisition in the summer. This is a red flag to me and someone who isn't secure in himself, emotionally, enough to sustain a healthy relationship. In other words, both of you should be building each other up, not breaking each other down. If he's employed already I have to question whether he finds value in his work or his direction in his career because it's not clear whether he values yours or respects your decision to be employed. Being a working member of society or having something to contribute within a community is important to many who base their identities on their calling and their work. If he feels insecure about this or even some aspects of it, he has to face that and uncover why he feels so insecure. I don't feel like he's respecting you enough or your autonomy. I would rate this as the #1 requirement and absolute dealbreaker for me regarding the lack thereof.

 

Take care of your financial health, pay your bills, try not to be broke and gain your work experience. I agree with having a conversation about this with him and express that you are coming from a place of desire to remain your own person. Our partners sometimes don't always grasp this idea in our desire to be with one another but you should never undercut yourself, your personal wellbeing or your financial health for a relationship. Take it one step at a time and don't be afraid.

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