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what to do while my boyfriend needs "time"? (sorry if duplicate)


margotann3

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I apologize if this is a duplicate- I am new to this website and not sure if my first post went through.

 

My boyfriend of almost 4 years said he hasn't been feeling the same and he's not sure why. I have noticed him being emotionally distant and "there physically but not there mentally" for a few months. Our intimacy levels declined drastically. 2 days ago, he asked for some time to reevaluate his feelings, see where he stands, and do some soul-searching. I asked if this has to do with other women and he said no. I'm taking that as truth because he has never been the play-boy type in the 15 years I've known him.

 

I told him to take all the time he needs, but I am feeling lost and not sure how to proceed through this time-out. I am kind of invoking the "No-Contact" rule because I feel that if he needs time, then he should be the one to come back so we can speak. He did not explicitly break-up with me. We have been friends for 15 years, and he helped me through a divorce in 2014 ( I was married young, at 18 and divorced with 1 child at 23) and I helped him through the loss of a sibling. Our friendship naturally progressed to a romantic situation about a year after my divorce. We have been taking it slow and I am perfectly happy to do so. I'm worried he will conclude that he is not ready for a relationship at all (I am his first real girlfriend.) I think we may be at different stages of life. I want to let him figure his head out, whatever the outcome. I just don't know what to do while we are in this limbo he has placed us in.. (In case you're curious, I am 28 and he is 26)

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Have there been other problems that led to this in the previous months? Differences in parenting, financial management issues/difficult living situations, difficult family relationships, work issues? I'm not sure why he would drop that bomb without some information as to why he's feeling the way he is or he and you already know about your pre-existing issues and don't need to verbalize them.

 

I don't tend to think very highly of people who put others in situations like this or oscillate back and forth. Think of your kid.

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2 days ago, he asked for some time to reevaluate his feelings, see where he stands, and do some soul-searching.

 

I would not give him "all the time he needs" to do this... ask him to commit to a time frame of coming back to discuss this further, given how long you have been together I think you deserve to have some communication from him on what's going on.

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It sounds like you have a lot of insight and are doing the right things to handle this. Hang in there but at the same time reflect on what You want.

I am kind of invoking the "No-Contact" rule because I feel that if he needs time, then he should be the one to come back so we can speak.

 

I think we may be at different stages of life. I want to let him figure his head out, whatever the outcome.

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Have there been other problems that led to this in the previous months? Differences in parenting, financial management issues/difficult living situations, difficult family relationships, work issues? I'm not sure why he would drop that bomb without some information as to why he's feeling the way he is or he and you already know about your pre-existing issues and don't need to verbalize them.

 

I don't tend to think very highly of people who put others in situations like this or oscillate back and forth. Think of your kid.

 

He and I do not live together, and so we have all separate financials and bills and all that. He did just get a new full time job, and is going back to school to further his degree. I know he is not sure how he wants his career life to go, but I figured that given our strong background as best friends, we could navigate his issues together. He could not pinpoint an exact problem when we spoke the other day... I guess maybe I'm just feeling a lot of different emotions all at once.. I'm not sure if it's wise to continue this relationship, but if we do decide to continue it cannot go on as it was. I feel a little like I have always put a little more effort than he has. I'm afraid this is turning into a "I love the man but the relationship" situation because of the distance he has shown me recently. I'm sorry I am rambling. Thank you for taking the time to write your response.

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I'm sorry this is happening. Despite there being differences, he shouldn't be stringing you along or taking too long to decide. I would say one or two days is sufficient. Anything more is disrespectful as he seems on the verge of or in the process of already hurting you and the relationship. I'm not prone to thinking that this person is cognizant of the fact that he's causing that damage or able to see the effects this has on the other person and for that lack of consideration and love.

 

You're coming from a place of love and affection so it's painful for you. Take one day at a time and let the space and distance give you clarity too.

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It sounds like this is something he's been thinking of for awhile. Instead of talking to you openly and working on issues, he is choosing to move away from the relationship.

 

Some people are really uncomfortable with making firm decisions, because they fear regret. Don't stick around as a backup plan while he tries to make up his mind.

 

Oh, and to some degree the potential breakup is about other women. I am not saying he was cheating or leaving you for a specific woman, but no one breaks up to be alone for the rest of their life.

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It sounds like you have a lot of insight and are doing the right things to handle this. Hang in there but at the same time reflect on what You want.

 

Yes I guess if he needs time, that means I have time too... I have gotten conflicting ideas from various frantic google searches. Some say force him to talk about this now- others say set a time limit- others say leave him alone and focus on myself and self-improvement. I am afraid to do any of these things, but have settled on not contacting him.

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I think we may be at different stages of life.

 

This is what I can't help but see here. By which I mean not only obvious differences, but that he is, right now, at a stage in life where he deals with emotional conflict by imploding, going distant, hoping clarity comes when the dust settles as opposed to settling the dust himself. Not uncommon in a man of his age—I was very much there, at that age—but I think it's really worth looking at this moment with clear eyes.

 

I'd give it another day or so, but don't bend too far and don't tread too far down that path where you're patiently teaching him how to "man up" during these moments. Never goes well, that, for either party.

 

I'm really sorry about all this. Know it hurts, know it's hard.

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It sounds like this is something he's been thinking of for awhile. Instead of talking to you openly and working on issues, he is choosing to move away from the relationship.

 

Some people are really uncomfortable with making firm decisions, because they fear regret. Don't stick around as a backup plan while he tries to make up his mind.

Oh, and to some degree the potential breakup is about other women. I am not saying he was cheating or leaving you for a specific woman, but no one breaks up to be alone for the rest of their life.

 

I suppose that is something that I should consider as well. I don't want to think that way because I love him, and my previous marriage ended in part because we were too young, but also because he had cheated.

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This is what I can't help but see here. By which I mean not only obvious differences, but that he is, right now, at a stage in life where he deals with emotional conflict by imploding, going distant, hoping clarity comes when the dust settles as opposed to settling the dust himself. Not uncommon in a man of his age—I was very much there, at that age—but I think it's really worth looking at this moment with clear eyes.

 

I'd give it another day or so, but don't bend too far and don't tread too far down that path where you're patiently teaching him how to "man up" during these moments. Never goes well, that, for either party.

 

I'm really sorry about all this. Know it hurts, know it's hard.

 

 

Thank you for the insight from a man's perspective. Would you say my "no-contact" perspective is hurting the situation more than helping? I feel as though I'm not ready to talk to him, but I am unsure who will "cave" first and initiate the next step in this situation..

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It has nothing to do with who will "cave". Instead, no contact gives him the chance to experience life without you in it. He may find there's a huge void where you used to be, a void he dislikes and will want to resolve with you. Or he may find he doesn't miss you at all...OR, you may find you don't miss him.

 

He can't figure any of that out if you don't go away.

 

Give him space. For real.

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It has nothing to do with who will "cave". Instead, no contact gives him the chance to experience life without you in it. He may find there's a huge void where you used to be, a void he dislikes and will want to resolve with you. Or he may find he doesn't miss you at all...OR, you may find you don't miss him.

 

He can't figure any of that out if you don't go away.

 

Give him space. For real.

 

Thank you for answering. I guess my dilemma comes with, how long do I go away? I know there is no real answer to that.. I feel like I'm just running in circles in my mind on the best course of action.

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Thank you for answering. I guess my dilemma comes with, how long do I go away? I know there is no real answer to that.. I feel like I'm just running in circles in my mind on the best course of action.

 

In a perfect world, you prove to the both of yourselves that you can handle time apart, as well as the unknown. I know it's never pleasant to feel like you are left hanging. I suppose it's a choice on how you want to view it.

 

Two things are going on and only you two know the answer. He's either using this time to break up with you slowly and get accustomed to your absence. . .which is really unfair. Or, his intentions are to reconcile with the better understanding of himself and the relationship.

 

Personally, there have been times I could handle the time apart and have used to it my advantage.

Having said that, there was that time I felt like I die over the anxiety and panic I felt in his absence.

 

Looking back, these experiences were entirely different and entirely different people. One I trusted, the other I did not.

 

I one case I trusted myself and what I could handle. The other time, not so much.

 

In the end, I think it's entirely fair to place an end date on the waiting/space plan. Not just a couple days but a week or more. If there is still no clarity after that amount of time, you pretty much have your answer anyway.

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Am going through my own version of this:

 

Have concluded that what he does or needs is secondary to my needs, as it should be. If I find I need or want to date, then I will. If I find that I don't, then I won't. Not because of him, but because I am doing what I want to do.

 

There is no law that says when single we must be in pursuit of a relationship, a dating partner, or a roll in the hay. If its a dated social event, and I am not in a dating posture and leaving my man/ex in his own space, I will grab a friend or go alone. Lots to gain from those options.

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I like IAmFCA's take, far more than trying to harness some "man's perspective" out of me.

 

I can tell you that, at right around 26, I hit the existential skids pretty hard. Was in a good relationship at the time, with a woman I loved and who loved me. She probably had more understanding and compassion for what I was going through than I did—and that, that self-understanding and self-compassion, was what I was seeking. I hoped it would come in a week, or two, or a month. It took a lot longer, much longer. What I just articulated pretty clearly I was nowhere near able to articulate then.

 

She handled all that with such grace. She waited, patiently, doing her thing, finding comfort in that understanding and compassion. And then she stopped waiting, understanding herself, her needs, tapping into her self-compassion. We kind of faded out, softly, crushingly. We ended up getting back together after a few months apart, and had a pretty great year, but whatever it was in my that needed untangling just needed more time. There was no person, and no amount of love, that could speed that up. She knew all that before I did.

 

But that's just me. You're you, he's him.

 

I don't think this is about "contact" vs "no contact," but just holding this space for as long as you can, authentically. If my girlfriend surprised me tonight by saying she needed space to "see where she stands" I'm sure I'd be devastated. I'm also pretty sure I'd give her that space without looking to fill it—with her or with another person—for as long as I could. I'd do that not just for her, but for me—an extension of the same vulnerability I try to extend her every day.

 

There would be some kind of limit to it, of course. But my spirit would tell me when that was, and I'm pretty tuned into my own spirit, even when it's pushing me to make a choice I dread having to make. So make this a time to listen to yours, just as he's listening to his, best he can.

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I like IAmFCA's take, far more than trying to harness some "man's perspective" out of me.

 

I can tell you that, at right around 26, I hit the existential skids pretty hard. Was in a good relationship at the time, with a woman I loved and who loved me. She probably had more understanding and compassion for what I was going through than I did—and that, that self-understanding and self-compassion, was what I was seeking. I hoped it would come in a week, or two, or a month. It took a lot longer, much longer. What I just articulated pretty clearly I was nowhere near able to articulate then.

 

She handled all that with such grace. She waited, patiently, doing her thing, finding comfort in that understanding and compassion. And then she stopped waiting, understanding herself, her needs, tapping into her self-compassion. We kind of faded out, softly, crushingly. We ended up getting back together after a few months apart, and had a pretty great year, but whatever it was in my that needed untangling just needed more time. There was no person, and no amount of love, that could speed that up. She knew all that before I did.

 

But that's just me. You're you, he's him.

 

I don't think this is about "contact" vs "no contact," but just holding this space for as long as you can, authentically. If my girlfriend surprised me tonight by saying she needed space to "see where she stands" I'm sure I'd be devastated. I'm also pretty sure I'd give her that space without looking to fill it—with her or with another person—for as long as I could. I'd do that not just for her, but for me—an extension of the same vulnerability I try to extend her every day.

 

There would be some kind of limit to it, of course. But my spirit would tell me when that was, and I'm pretty tuned into my own spirit, even when it's pushing me to make a choice I dread having to make. So make this a time to listen to yours, just as he's listening to his, best he can.

 

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and your way of describing it. It is on point

 

I kept hearing other people's voices in my head, like ENA voices. We talk like relationships are transactions, like we are all hard-a$$es holding other people accountable. "Don't let him string you along!" "You should date! You're single now!" etc etc. Sure, these can be applicable, in a way. Not really, though. We are not trapped; we have choices. The most applicable thing is to do what YOU want to do, and if that is to take a little time to reflect, then do that. No pressure.

 

Do not react. DO listen to your inner voice, your kindest one and your fearful one. Tell your fearful one you will be okay. Let your kindest one govern you. Your needs include knowing what this relationship means to you, and resolving it as appropriate when you're ready to do that. You will be okay however that evolves, if you follow your inner guide.

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I find myself looking through the responses and taking comfort in all of the support and words. I don’t know what’s going to happen here, and I’m not entirely sure I know what I want to happen, either. But I understand that I should use this time to reflect on my wants and needs as well. I sincerely thank everyone for responding to this thread.

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My heart goes out to you. In your shoes I'd like tell him that I adore him and can envision the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another--to preserve that potential if it exists. He gets to take as long as he wants to work out his stuff, but I know myself well enough to know that I don't tolerate limbo very well, and I certainly have no desire to hang on to someone who's ambivalent about me. If he ever reaches a clear degree of certainty that I'm the one for him, and he wants a committed relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

This would free me to grieve, to heal and to move my focus forward to create the kind of future for myself that I want and deserve. It would prevent me from the high-anxiety place of hovering on the periphery while the guy feels pressured to answer what he may not be ready to answer for a very long time. I'd rather take myself out of the picture to have no influence over that choice, because that's the only way either of us can trust the outcome.

 

If I didn't cut the cord, I'd picture myself living in doubt that any choice he might make in my favor would be under the duress of a calendar, and I'd always wonder when the next shoe would drop. That's a high stress way to live, and it wouldn't be for me. I'd rather walk away with full liberation to nurse my own wounds and trust that if the two of us are really a mean-to-be deal, he'll have no trouble coming to that conclusion with reflection on his own. If not, then there wasn't anything for me to stick around for, anyway.

 

Head high.

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My heart goes out to you. In your shoes I'd like tell him that I adore him and can envision the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another--to preserve that potential if it exists. He gets to take as long as he wants to work out his stuff, but I know myself well enough to know that I don't tolerate limbo very well, and I certainly have no desire to hang on to someone who's ambivalent about me. If he ever reaches a clear degree of certainty that I'm the one for him, and he wants a committed relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

This would free me to grieve, to heal and to move my focus forward to create the kind of future for myself that I want and deserve. It would prevent me from the high-anxiety place of hovering on the periphery while the guy feels pressured to answer what he may not be ready to answer for a very long time. I'd rather take myself out of the picture to have no influence over that choice, because that's the only way either of us can trust the outcome.

 

If I didn't cut the cord, I'd picture myself living in doubt that any choice he might make in my favor would be under the duress of a calendar, and I'd always wonder when the next shoe would drop. That's a high stress way to live, and it wouldn't be for me. I'd rather walk away with full liberation to nurse my own wounds and trust that if the two of us are really a mean-to-be deal, he'll have no trouble coming to that conclusion with reflection on his own. If not, then there wasn't anything for me to stick around for, anyway.

 

Head high.

 

Dear catfeeder,

 

In the end, this is exactly how I feel and how we decided to proceed. I feel like I did my best, and in the end, he was too fearful to make the wrong choice and to try again with his heart in it 100%. He was afraid if we didn't try, he could miss out on the best thing he could have had, but at the same time, he is not emotionally in the right place for a relationship like ours. So I told him that we should leave it, and that I didn't want him to make these decisions under such duress, but I can't keep going with the fear of him leaving at any moment. There is still a lot of love on both sides, and our lives will continually cross paths because of our families being close. Better to cut the cord while we still think highly of each other. I could not live in limbo anymore with him, and this seems to have been building up in him for a little while. I can now focus on myself and healing, and hopefully he will use our experience to focus on his wants and future dreams, and better himself as well.. If it's meant to be, perhaps we will reconnect in the future. I am trying to not hold on to that, though. As of now, we are done and I am wading through the heartbreak of losing my boyfriend and long-time best friend in the same day...

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Big hugs, margo.

 

I know this is so hard, but it sounds like you're handling it well. You've made a choice fueled by the best of stuff: love and respect—of yourself, of him, of reality. I know that doesn't negate the pain right now, or the pain stirring, but it's a rare thing to be able to do that.

 

We're always here to listen. Wishing you the best.

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Big hugs, margo.

 

I know this is so hard, but it sounds like you're handling it well. You've made a choice fueled by the best of stuff: love and respect—of yourself, of him, of reality. I know that doesn't negate the pain right now, or the pain stirring, but it's a rare thing to be able to do that.

 

We're always here to listen. Wishing you the best.

 

I second this, Margo. Take baby steps. Write here if it helps. Trust the future to teach you your best course. Make it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for yourself.

 

Head high.

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