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Thread: New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

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    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

    hi all, my wife gave birth to a boy ~2 weeks ago. We're elated to have our first!

    With that said, my wife's family has been visiting the past 2 weeks on and off . Somedays her dad would work from home (at our house), or her mom would come down and help with the care.

    Anywho we had a plan with them for them to come down Thursday (yesterday) to tuesday. The whole point of them coming down was to develop a rythym for our little boy to breast feed (its been really difficult so far).

    So what do her parents do? They bring down her brother's 2 girls ages between 3-5 years old - that they see CONSTANTLY throughout the week. The past 5 years for my wife and I have been really difficult because for a few years we were having trouble conceiving, and endless attention was given to these girls, and continues to be the case.

    I get it: they're grandparents, and want to see their grandchildren, but they know that my wife desperately needs the undivided help from her mother. Instead they bring down these 2 girls, and spent the majority of the time with them. Needless to say, they never told us they were bringing them down. I was working from home yesterday, and all of a sudden I hear all this banging, and running upstairs.

    I go up to see what the commotion is and its these girls running all around. Needless to say they brought down these girls to our house, never had the common decency to say - "hey we know we were going to come down to just focus on your boy, but is it OK if we bring the 2 girls".

    So I wait a few hours after they came, and then approached my wife's mother asking why were the girls brought down? I thought the agreement was you were going to come down to help my wife with undivided attention. Her mother essentially eludes to "they had the girls" . Even though, they see them the majority of the week.

    This discussion quickly escalated to a huge verbal fight between myself, my MIL and FIL - I repeatedly kept asking why the emphasis wasn't placed on my wife in such a compromised state of having trouble breast feeding.

    They never directly answer this, but have the audacity to put me down in being a new father saying stuff like "you shouldnt be working out" or "you shouldnt get a haircut".

    He made these references about when he was here alone a few days ago, with my wife, and I. The baby was sleeping so I went and spent 30 minutes on another floor working out. How dare I work out..


    They additionally put down my family for not assisting as much with caring for our baby boy the last 10 days. The difference is my parents have been helping even before we left the hospital - they took care of our house, pets, and even mowed our lawn that was really overgrowing.

    I don't really get why they feel they can just put down my limited exposure to being a father. Its not like they say "oh, a_lifters_life it would be good if you hold the baby this way, or feed the baby this way because it has x,y,z benefits", instead its constant put down.

    Anywho, the verbal fight got so bad that I had enough and told them to GTFO out of my house. They were supposed to stay til tuesday, but they quickly ruined that and have now left.

    I'm not really sure how to proceed from here. I dont feel bad at all about what I did, but I do know that they want to be involved grandparents, which I appreciate, but I do not appreciate all the put downs about me being a relatively new father, or comparing how they think my parents are or arent helping us. The truth is: they have ignored us for 5 years now with their preexisting grandchildren, and essentially give us the middle finger.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The discussion should have been left to your wife , not you.

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    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    The discussion should have been left to your wife , not you.
    Thats the exact thing that should have happened. But thats the exact thing that wouldn't ever happen: My wife just isnt direct to them with her feelings.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well, I wouldn’t expect help to soon. You can apologize but that’s about it . But I can tell you if my son-in-law told me to get the F out of his house I wouldn’t be back in it ,like ever .
    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    Thats the exact thing that should have happened. But thats the exact thing that wouldn't ever happen: My wife just isnt direct to them with her feelings.

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    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    I thought the agreement was you were going to come down to help my wife with undivided attention.
    They never directly answer this, but have the audacity to put me down in being a new father saying stuff like "you shouldnt be working out" or "you shouldnt get a haircut"
    I don't really get why they feel they can just put down my limited exposure to being a father. Its not like they say "oh, a_lifters_life it would be good if you hold the baby this way, or feed the baby this way because it has x,y,z benefits", instead its constant put down.
    Lol. What entitles you and your wife to the mother coming down and providing "undivided attention?" What does that even mean? My sister's got four kids under 4 years old and has never once asked for my mother to spring by for "undivided attention."

    You shot yourself in the foot, and that's exactly why they could afford to make these kinds of quips at you. And honestly, insofar as you being the one to cast the first stone, they weren't necessarily wrong. It'd be one thing if you'd brought up the noise and the kids not being conducive to a relaxing environment for your wife right now. That'd be plenty fair enough. But no, you don't get to call out people who aren't actually responsible for your child for not being as responsible as you'd like them to be for your own benefit, particularly if you're admittedly not giving your wife "undivided attention" yourself. Am I saying you're wrong to sneak in a quick workout or get a hair cut? No. But that's kind of the point.

    Seriously, what's going on with this one baby where two grown and capable adults need a 3rd and 4th party around to provide "undivided attention?" Why are they only welcome as guests if they can provide that? You got ridiculed because of how ridiculous that notion is.

    I mean, if I'm missing something, by all means. Help me understand. But if you legit need help, any should have been appreciated.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Why doesn’t your wife see a lactation specialist ? Go back to the hospital where the baby was born or call any health unit and they can get a lactation specialist .

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    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Why doesn’t your wife see a lactation specialist ? Go back to the hospital where the baby was born or call any health unit and they can get a lactation specialist .
    We've seen countless, additionally we had an army of nurses at the hospital trying to help ; to no avail. The only person who has been able to help was her mother, and we made that ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to her.

    Instead, she took that as I'll give you her distant attention in this trying time and bring down the girls with me. The other grandmother of these 2 girls lives 15 mins away and is retired, not to mention the countless babysitters.

    To me this is her mothers issue that she cant say no, even if you have a 10 day old boy who needs help with breastfeeding.

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    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    We've seen countless, additionally we had an army of nurses at the hospital trying to help ; to no avail. The only person who has been able to help was her mother, and we made that ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to her.

    Instead, she took that as I'll give you her distant attention in this trying time.
    Well you sure solved that problem.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I must totally agree with Jman.

    When my babies were born, my parents came down for a few days, and in truth, I couldn't wait for them to leave. A new mother and father are perfectly capable of caring for a newborn infant. Is your mother a lactation specialist? If not, what could she possibly do to help?

    There was no need to start a fight with the in-laws. True, it was rude of them to bring two noisy children into a home with a newborn, but all you had to do was say, 'can you leave the girls home next time? It's too much chaos.'

    You should probably apologize to them and make peace. You don't want a war going on when you have a new baby.

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    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Well you sure solved that problem.
    This comment is not needed. So yeah if you dont have anything nice to say - be quiet.

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