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Thread: New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do

  1. #21
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    You handled this abysmally, OP. No way around that.

    Being annoyed with the in-laws is one thing. I see why you were frustrated with them bringing the other little ones. However, starting a fight and telling them to "GTFO" of your house? Dude. Get a grip. You just made life even more stressful for your wife.

    Something tells me this isn't the first conflict you've had with your in-laws, though. I am sensing some major resentment on both sides, and quite possibly a quick and poorly-controlled temper on yourself.

  2. #22
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    You have never gotten along with these people. You can try to make more of an effort, or it will always be an issue. Perhaps, if you think of how this will impact your child and wife, you will make more of an effort.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You have never gotten along with these people. You can try to make more of an effort, or it will always be an issue. Perhaps, if you think of how this will impact your child and wife, you will make more of an effort.
    you're absolutely right.

    what does that even mean make more of an effort? how?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    you're absolutely right.

    what does that even mean make more of an effort? how?
    I would start by apologizing for your behavior. I would then invite them out-without the girls-so that you can sit down and have a talk. You have to work towards some sort of compromise, for the sanity of all.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I would start by apologizing for your behavior.
    Agreed.

    And make that apology sincere, which means understanding that the place between "I'm sorry" and "all good" might be a lot wider than you'd like. Things may remain a little tense. For a while. Meet that tenseness with openness, patience, calm.

    Think of it like a challenge, one that's even harder than squatting 1,000 lbs, but that is going to be a small step toward building a critical emotional muscle required for raising a child.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I see all sides.
    I understand the desire for the new mom to want her mother's support and honestly the baby shouldn't be exposed to other small children (or alot of people for that matter) to some extent in the first days.

    Having two toddlers running a muck and grandpa running the show is a little insensitive given the situation.

    Not sure why grandpa has such disdain for the new dad and what words were exchanged to get grandpa to go so low with those comments,
    but ultimately it was just a hot mess. Everyone is wrong. You are responsible for your choice of responses and tell them TGFO is going to be really hard to step back from.

    I agree that the new mom should have had a private conversation with grandma and expressed her personal wishes. You paint her as having no say in this, but I'll argue she could have confided in her mother, period.

    If it doesn't go the way she wants it, then you kindly thank everyone for their support and tell the family you want some time alone to bond.
    Be the bigger man and apologize for your actions. It doesn't negate theirs, but own your responsibility for this going sideways.
    Clean up your end.

  8. #27
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    One, congrats!!!

    Two, wow, get a grip! A newborn has two parents. Regardless if there are breastfeeding issues, your baby will get undivided attention from you, the mom, or their grandparents over the course of the time, and for the rest of their lives.

    Your In-Laws are not lactation consultants, so I fail to see how those are even connected.

    And, some advice on nursing in the beginning until you establish a good supply, have her drink at least 70 to 100 oz of water a day (eat more carbs and oatmeal). Have her try multiple holds, and always nurse on demand no matter what the 1st month to 3+ months (if possible). Also try self massage while nursing.

    And third, you do realize you are crippling FREE BABYSITTING for date nights over the fact your kid's cousins were getting a chance to meet each other?

    You have a WHOLE WORLD OF PARENTING hurdles coming your way. From food, illnesses, teething, sleep training, potty training!!! I would not sweat over something like the fact YOUR NIECES WERE THERE TO MEET THEIR COUSIN. Plus, 3 and 5 years olds are super entertaining to babies. In 100%, you ruined their meeting together, and time with the baby's grandparents because you are convinced only your baby deserves all the attention.

    Sure, they got all the attention, but your kid wasn't born yet, so it's no one's fault. I would so apologize to your in-laws and your nieces like yesterday.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Congratulations! Be easy on yourselves. Stick together as parents, support each other. There's a new kid on the block and this little one needs both of you to be at your best at a time it's the most difficult. No sleep, if/maybe sex, hormones, money, in-laws, diapers, etc. There will be some trying times ahead. Things blow over, but the when it all seems to be too much, just watch him sleeping and it will all be worth your while.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-21-2019 at 02:03 PM.

  10. #29

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    Hi :) First my congratulations , you are having a first baby boy !! However happy that time is, it can be stresful for both you and your wife. With my first baby I thought I will need so much help but my mother in law coming often made me very stress. From diffferent reasons like: luck of nessesary nap time etc., her trying to care for baby in her own way that was different from what I planned. I end up kindly asking her not to come or only for short visits for her own pleasure to see baby because I quickly realised both me and my husband are more relax and more happy just dealing with baby ourself and after couple of weeks he came back to work and I was happy just being with baby myself. I would sleep when baby was sleeping and I enjoyed this time so much. What I am trying to say is ask yourself do you really need that help now, it seems like it is causing you and I am sure your wife too more stress than nessesary. Believe me majority of parents are totally equipt to take care of their first baby themselves , you and your wife have to trust yourselves more. Less stress is also better for breastfeeding and often napping with baby can improve breastfeeding too. I am breastfeeding my second baby for second year now and I was breastfeeding my first one for 2 years as well. Could you describe your wife breastfeeding problem. I know how hard are first weeks of breastfeeding but soon it will be much better. Some woman have problem with to much milk supply (I can definatelly give some advice about what to do in that situation) , some woman have problem with not enough supply. First 4 months of baby life are though and if somebody says otherwise they just forgot. However I think it will make your relationship stronger if you guys do it together and support each other. About your in laws maybe you should not expect from them to be perfect , obviously non of us are perfect. I also hope they will understand your stress in this new siituation. One of the main causes of stress is trying to be perfect , and that temptation is very strong with first baby. Guess what , you not going to be a perfect parent but you can be a great parent if you relax a little bit. I wish you a wonderful time with your new baby as new dad and best wishes for mommy :)

  11. #30
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    Congratulations on your new arrival!

    It sounds like there is a lot of resentment there from whatever happened with your nieces and in-laws before you and your wife were able to have a baby. I donít know what the full story is, but it might be worth thinking over whether your in-laws truly refused to give you the time of day while lavishing attention on their grandkids, or if they were just happy and excited new grandparents. In my experience, many people are thrilled to become grandparents and many I know have rearranged large parts of their lives around seeing, spending time with and caring for their grandchildren.

    I agree with many others that you and your wife are lucky to have the support of her parents. I know many people who had mom come stay with them after birth so I donít find it unusual or excessive, as many here seem to. However, I do think in exchange for the almost 24/7 support you have to be willing to compromise and play nice. After all, theyíre not hired help. I agree that it would ideally be itís up to your wife to communicate with her mom what would be most helpful and to figure out with them how to strike a happy medium if helping out but also being able to spend their time on other pursuits or not feeling like they are at your beck and call.

    As far as the comments about your parenting, without hearing the comments and the tone itís hard to know if he is trying to be helpful or truly trying to put you down. I suppose in your shoes I would 1 - take a deep breath and assume the best, 2 - search for any useful nugget in what is being said and 3 - bring it up if you continue to feel put down ďI really appreciate your help and advice. Sometimes it sounds like criticism and I feel hurt. Iím new at this and trying my bestĒ. I think something like that is a nice way of letting them know how you feel without assuming it is purposeful and without accusing them, and hopefully would get a good response.

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