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New baby - had huge fight with in laws --- what to do


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hi all, my wife gave birth to a boy ~2 weeks ago. We're elated to have our first!

 

With that said, my wife's family has been visiting the past 2 weeks on and off . Somedays her dad would work from home (at our house), or her mom would come down and help with the care.

 

Anywho we had a plan with them for them to come down Thursday (yesterday) to tuesday. The whole point of them coming down was to develop a rythym for our little boy to breast feed (its been really difficult so far).

 

So what do her parents do? They bring down her brother's 2 girls ages between 3-5 years old - that they see CONSTANTLY throughout the week. The past 5 years for my wife and I have been really difficult because for a few years we were having trouble conceiving, and endless attention was given to these girls, and continues to be the case.

 

I get it: they're grandparents, and want to see their grandchildren, but they know that my wife desperately needs the undivided help from her mother. Instead they bring down these 2 girls, and spent the majority of the time with them. Needless to say, they never told us they were bringing them down. I was working from home yesterday, and all of a sudden I hear all this banging, and running upstairs.

 

I go up to see what the commotion is and its these girls running all around. Needless to say they brought down these girls to our house, never had the common decency to say - "hey we know we were going to come down to just focus on your boy, but is it OK if we bring the 2 girls".

 

So I wait a few hours after they came, and then approached my wife's mother asking why were the girls brought down? I thought the agreement was you were going to come down to help my wife with undivided attention. Her mother essentially eludes to "they had the girls" . Even though, they see them the majority of the week.

 

This discussion quickly escalated to a huge verbal fight between myself, my MIL and FIL - I repeatedly kept asking why the emphasis wasn't placed on my wife in such a compromised state of having trouble breast feeding.

 

They never directly answer this, but have the audacity to put me down in being a new father saying stuff like "you shouldnt be working out" or "you shouldnt get a haircut".

 

He made these references about when he was here alone a few days ago, with my wife, and I. The baby was sleeping so I went and spent 30 minutes on another floor working out. How dare I work out..:p

 

 

They additionally put down my family for not assisting as much with caring for our baby boy the last 10 days. The difference is my parents have been helping even before we left the hospital - they took care of our house, pets, and even mowed our lawn that was really overgrowing.

 

I don't really get why they feel they can just put down my limited exposure to being a father. Its not like they say "oh, a_lifters_life it would be good if you hold the baby this way, or feed the baby this way because it has x,y,z benefits", instead its constant put down.

 

Anywho, the verbal fight got so bad that I had enough and told them to GTFO out of my house. They were supposed to stay til tuesday, but they quickly ruined that and have now left.

 

I'm not really sure how to proceed from here. I dont feel bad at all about what I did, but I do know that they want to be involved grandparents, which I appreciate, but I do not appreciate all the put downs about me being a relatively new father, or comparing how they think my parents are or arent helping us. The truth is: they have ignored us for 5 years now with their preexisting grandchildren, and essentially give us the middle finger.

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Well, I wouldn’t expect help to soon. You can apologize but that’s about it . But I can tell you if my son-in-law told me to get the F out of his house I wouldn’t be back in it ,like ever .

Thats the exact thing that should have happened. But thats the exact thing that wouldn't ever happen: My wife just isnt direct to them with her feelings.
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I thought the agreement was you were going to come down to help my wife with undivided attention.

They never directly answer this, but have the audacity to put me down in being a new father saying stuff like "you shouldnt be working out" or "you shouldnt get a haircut"

I don't really get why they feel they can just put down my limited exposure to being a father. Its not like they say "oh, a_lifters_life it would be good if you hold the baby this way, or feed the baby this way because it has x,y,z benefits", instead its constant put down.
Lol. What entitles you and your wife to the mother coming down and providing "undivided attention?" What does that even mean? My sister's got four kids under 4 years old and has never once asked for my mother to spring by for "undivided attention."

 

You shot yourself in the foot, and that's exactly why they could afford to make these kinds of quips at you. And honestly, insofar as you being the one to cast the first stone, they weren't necessarily wrong. It'd be one thing if you'd brought up the noise and the kids not being conducive to a relaxing environment for your wife right now. That'd be plenty fair enough. But no, you don't get to call out people who aren't actually responsible for your child for not being as responsible as you'd like them to be for your own benefit, particularly if you're admittedly not giving your wife "undivided attention" yourself. Am I saying you're wrong to sneak in a quick workout or get a hair cut? No. But that's kind of the point.

 

Seriously, what's going on with this one baby where two grown and capable adults need a 3rd and 4th party around to provide "undivided attention?" Why are they only welcome as guests if they can provide that? You got ridiculed because of how ridiculous that notion is.

 

I mean, if I'm missing something, by all means. Help me understand. But if you legit need help, any should have been appreciated.

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Why doesn’t your wife see a lactation specialist ? Go back to the hospital where the baby was born or call any health unit and they can get a lactation specialist .

 

We've seen countless, additionally we had an army of nurses at the hospital trying to help ; to no avail. The only person who has been able to help was her mother, and we made that ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to her.

 

Instead, she took that as I'll give you her distant attention in this trying time and bring down the girls with me. The other grandmother of these 2 girls lives 15 mins away and is retired, not to mention the countless babysitters.

 

To me this is her mothers issue that she cant say no, even if you have a 10 day old boy who needs help with breastfeeding.

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We've seen countless, additionally we had an army of nurses at the hospital trying to help ; to no avail. The only person who has been able to help was her mother, and we made that ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to her.

 

Instead, she took that as I'll give you her distant attention in this trying time.

Well you sure solved that problem.
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I must totally agree with Jman.

 

When my babies were born, my parents came down for a few days, and in truth, I couldn't wait for them to leave. A new mother and father are perfectly capable of caring for a newborn infant. Is your mother a lactation specialist? If not, what could she possibly do to help?

 

There was no need to start a fight with the in-laws. True, it was rude of them to bring two noisy children into a home with a newborn, but all you had to do was say, 'can you leave the girls home next time? It's too much chaos.'

 

You should probably apologize to them and make peace. You don't want a war going on when you have a new baby.

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This comment is not needed. So yeah if you dont have anything nice to say - be quiet.
There's some next-level irony for ya.

 

Look, bud. Don't know if you're on the juice or what. I *might* expect an overwhelmed mother going through hell and back physically and who's being hormonally ravaged right now writing this kind of complaint. Not a grown man whose job it is right now to be the source of stability and support while your wife does her job of rearing a newborn. Instead you're pitching fits with inlaws and telling the woman you claim to be the only one who can help your wife to "GTFO."

 

You should have been calling the in-laws to apologize an hour ago. Use whatever bad excuses you've still got some time to use. Stress from the hospital, scared of being a dad, not articulating the reason you didn't want the kids around well enough, whatever. They're all terrible, but they're something. Most importantly, admit you were wrong. You're burning bridges over some goofy ****, and I highly doubt at all to the benefit of either your wife or child.

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There's some next-level irony for ya.

 

Look, bud. Don't know if you're on the juice or what. I *might* expect an overwhelmed mother going through hell and back physically and whose being hormonally ravaged right now writing this kind of complaint. Not a grown man whose job it is right now to be the source of stability and support while your wife does her job of rearing a newborn. Instead you're pitching fits with inlaws and telling the woman you claim to be the only one who can help your wife to "GTFO."

 

You should have been calling the in-laws to apologize an hour ago. Use whatever bad excuses you've still got some time to use. Stress from the hospital, scared of being a dad, not articulating the reason you didn't want the kids around well enough, whatever. They're all terrible, but they're something. Most importantly, admit you were wrong. You're burning bridges over some goofy ****, and I highly doubt at all to your wife's and child's benefits.

 

 

J Man, you will soon be told to GTFO the forum.

 

Lifters, you have some anger issues. Are you on steroids?

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We've seen countless, additionally we had an army of nurses at the hospital trying to help ; to no avail. The only person who has been able to help was her mother, and we made that ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to her.

 

Instead, she took that as I'll give you her distant attention in this trying time and bring down the girls with me. The other grandmother of these 2 girls lives 15 mins away and is retired, not to mention the countless babysitters.

 

To me this is her mothers issue that she cant say no, even if you have a 10 day old boy who needs help with breastfeeding.

Why can only her mom help?

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I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're an overwhelmed parent. I don't know, I don't read much on here - But dude, whatever it is - REIGN IT IN. You're burning bridges over what, in hindsight, is really nothing. I'd say you owe your wife's parents a big apology.

 

Breastfeeding, as natural as it is does NOT come easy for a lot of women. If you want a dedicated boob milk expert, get an in-house lactation specialist there as often as possible. I don't see how grandma is the only one who can make it work. And I'm saying this as someone who tried for 2 months before my son would finally latch - I get it's important to her to BF, and that's fine but the rhythm is something she needs to establish on her own once she has all the tools available to her.

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I agree. I breast fed as well. My mom never did because she couldn’t. That being said it doesn’t come naturally to some babies and moms. But I doubt her mom is the only boobie specialist who can help. And if it really doesn’t work out there is bottle feeding.

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Why can only her mom help?

 

This is what I'm wondering. Is grandma a lactation specialist? Does she have magical mammary powers? Why her?

 

Just my $0.02 but these things can take time and some babies are terrible with latching. Maybe mom would do better at home with just you and she doesn't need the added stress of grandma, grandpa, and 2 young kids running around her house.

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You handled this abysmally, OP. No way around that.

 

Being annoyed with the in-laws is one thing. I see why you were frustrated with them bringing the other little ones. However, starting a fight and telling them to "GTFO" of your house? Dude. Get a grip. You just made life even more stressful for your wife.

 

Something tells me this isn't the first conflict you've had with your in-laws, though. I am sensing some major resentment on both sides, and quite possibly a quick and poorly-controlled temper on yourself.

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You have never gotten along with these people. You can try to make more of an effort, or it will always be an issue. Perhaps, if you think of how this will impact your child and wife, you will make more of an effort.

 

you're absolutely right.

 

what does that even mean make more of an effort? how?

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you're absolutely right.

 

what does that even mean make more of an effort? how?

 

I would start by apologizing for your behavior. I would then invite them out-without the girls-so that you can sit down and have a talk. You have to work towards some sort of compromise, for the sanity of all.

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I would start by apologizing for your behavior.

 

Agreed.

 

And make that apology sincere, which means understanding that the place between "I'm sorry" and "all good" might be a lot wider than you'd like. Things may remain a little tense. For a while. Meet that tenseness with openness, patience, calm.

 

Think of it like a challenge, one that's even harder than squatting 1,000 lbs, but that is going to be a small step toward building a critical emotional muscle required for raising a child.

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