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Being broken up with by a relapsing alcoholic


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Here I am again after so many years. I’ve been single for most time but half a year ago I met my current partner who is now breaking up with me.

 

I won’t go into too much detail about how we met, but she was a recovering alcoholic and I am a caregiver. So there was much ado about our relationship as we started it, but I want to be clear that we had had no professional contact whatsoever. It just happened to be that I am a medical doctor.

 

I thought I met the love of my life. She was so kind and understanding through many of my own issues (i grew up with a personality disordered mother, developed severe perfectionism and quite a rigid lifestyle being a doctor, not a lot of free time) and I really loved being around her, very charismatic personality. She has in fact been a caregiver herself and a musician.

 

We had our issues, mostly being me having not so much spare time and could only spend 2-3 nights a week with her, had to work on school (still in residency) and she apparently did not understand at all and took it as personal rejection despite my efforts to communicate about this.

 

She was sober for around five months and even had a job and was living a normal life again, we did not live together but she was rebuilding her life.

 

Fastforward to two weeks ago: job get’s really stressful, she cannot admit it and all of a sudden goes out for a bottle of wine and drinks the entire bottle. We did not even had an argument before and I was completely surprised I did not see this coming.

 

For the past few weeks she drank again 1-1,5 bottle of wine and became a completely different person.

 

Where we used to talk on the phone a lot now she ‘did not feel like it’ and canceled dates with me lastminute. She called me in a drunk state two times and blamed me and our relationship for everything that went wrong. When sober she would go back to being kind and sweet, but would still ocassionally put the blame on me.

 

She canceled a big date last week with a message she needs to think about our relationship and when I was too baffled to know what to reply to her text blocked and deleted me instantly (after only 1 day of non-communicating).. I convinced her to talk, it was all good but I was being actively punished for having so little time to invest in her/ other priorities..

 

The day after she lost her job after her boss emailed with a whole list of complaints. Since then she got completely cold on me. Stating how she doesn’t deserve someone as me, how she has failed. I assured her I loved her as I had been doing these past few weeks. But she keeps pushing me away. She ‘cannot be in a relationship right now’ and ‘i should install tinder’ and ‘get a pretty blond girl because that is what i like’ (i have never ever said that at all.. she is making up stuff to push me away)

 

I am desperate and my emotions are all over the place. When I would be compassionate with her even when she was blaming me and calling me bad stuff, she would say that I shouldn’t try to be a martyr or a saint, I then stated I take responsibility for my mistakes and do not want to act like a saint but I’m worried about her.

 

But everything I say or do is turned against me, and I am so confused. She turned into a completely different person and is now extremely cold and distant.

 

I suspect I might be the one standing in the way of alcohol and that being the reason she has to push me away, but the blaming all made me feel extremely guilty and ashamed..

 

I’m looking for people who had similar experiences, or broke up with an alcoholic for advice on how to heal.....

 

Thanks for reading..

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I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Reading your post—and you might not like hearing this—I don't see a story of a woman who became a "completely different person" once she started drinking. No, I see a woman who, with a little booze in her system, became just a slightly more magnified version of the unstable, manipulative woman she was from day one.

 

Where's that coming from? From what I see as the big red flag here: the fact that, even when things were good, your main "issue" was that you could only see her 2-3 times a week and she equated what you were doing on the other days (being a freakin' doctor) as "rejection." That's not an "issue" in a healthy relationship with a healthy person.

 

So that there, to me, was where you should have been seriously questioning this woman and your compatibility. She could not see you, or appreciate you, for who you are: a doctor, a dude with a busy life pursuing his passion. No, she basically "blamed" you for that, made you feel "bad" for being, well, you.

 

In other words, the dynamic that feels brought on over the past two weeks of her drinking has been there the whole time.

 

This does not sound like a woman who can stand on her own two feet, even sober. Can't hold a job. Can't go four days on her own. Clearly hates herself. All that blame-shifting you're frustrated by? That's her self-hate weaponized and redirected at you. That's all it is. It's what parents put up with with teenagers and, well, what doctors might put up with with patients. But it is not the stuff of romance or a sustained romantic connection.

 

The thing to do here, in my opinion, is to remove the lens from her and examine yourself a bit closer. She is onto something when she calls you a "martyr" and "saint," because it seems you want to play that role, that you're using romance to irrationally atone for some sin you haven't really committed. Once you can see what that sin is—and see that it is not a sin, but you, the thing that should be cherished and celebrated—you won't find yourself drawn to cases but to people who can support you as you can support them.

 

I know that's hard to hear, but from what you've written she's doing you a major favor right now. She is being honest—about herself, about that she has nothing to give and is no good for anybody. Time to work on why you're so quick to metabolize someone treating you poorly as affection and connection.

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I think that you should read the link below and learn to realize the difference between caregiving and caretaking. Caretaking is the dysfunctional opposite of caretaking and it is a symptom of codependency.

 

You don't mention that she was in any sort of rehab, therapy or 12 step programme so the chances of her relapsing were great. You don't realize it right now but you are better off without an alcoholic that isn't doing everything they can to stay off the booze. She was simply what you call a "dry drunk" if she wasn't getting the support she needs to stay sober. You are not equipped nor should you even be trying to be the professional support nor the support of those who have been in her shoes.

 

Feel better soon.

 

https://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/codependency-caretaking

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The perfect storm.

You are a caregiver and you found someone who needed caring.

She in turn signed up for someone who, right or wrong couldn't meet her needs.

Therefore she has an excuse to drink and someone to blame it on.

 

This is very insightful, thank you..

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I think that you should read the link below and learn to realize the difference between caregiving and caretaking. Caretaking is the dysfunctional opposite of caretaking and it is a symptom of codependency.

 

You don't mention that she was in any sort of rehab, therapy or 12 step programme so the chances of her relapsing were great. You don't realize it right now but you are better off without an alcoholic that isn't doing everything they can to stay off the booze. She was simply what you call a "dry drunk" if she wasn't getting the support she needs to stay sober. You are not equipped nor should you even be trying to be the professional support nor the support of those who have been in her shoes.

 

Feel better soon.

 

https://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/codependency-caretaking

 

She has been in therapy for two years and was succesfully treated.. but she then found a job, went to live independently and therapy reduced to once every few weeks.. I have seen her slip away these past few months and have tried to convince her multiple times to talk to her therapists.. she would perceive it as me not believing in her, when I clearly saw she was heading for a relapse.. I never named the elephant in the room, always avoiding the alcohol topic, but now there it is again.. wrecking her life.

 

Unfortunately what she has been doing is pushing away every friend or relative that was involved in her life, got totally isolated and then pushed me away as well.. and this past week she has changed her mind around 6 times about the relationship.. sometimes even within one night.. going from “we are too different”, “i dont deserve you”, “i consider friends with benefits”, “ i am going to stop drinking and choose the relationship”,...

 

I now tried to set boundaries and firmly state I won’t even consider continuing a relationship with her in this state of completely destructing her life. But she really has no one (partly due to pushing them away) and is heading for disaster so I find it hard to remain firm..

 

I know that boundaries need to be set, but am afraid she will harm herself further if I do this.

 

Ps I’m a woman and this is a lesbian relationship we’re talking about.. i’m in my final year of medical residency.

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Well, anything but remaining firm and then going no contact will mean you are enabling her to be a drinker who blames you for her issues.

have tried to convince her multiple times to talk to her therapists.. she would perceive it as me not believing in her,
Typical alcoholic mentality... their crappy life is always everyone else's fault but their own.

She needs to hit her rock bottom before she's going to take her sobriety seriously. You being her soft place to land is enabling her not to have to change.

 

So: You don't enable her and if you are afraid she will harm herself then call the police or a mental health authority in your area and tell them that she is a threat to herself and let them deal with it.

 

Thank you for clarifying your sexual orientation but it makes no difference to what I'm saying. You would do well to attend some al-anon meetings so you learn about enabling, codependency, caretaking and how to stop doing all of those things.

 

Caretaking is the dysfunctional, codependent opposite of caregiving.

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Well, anything but remaining firm and then going no contact will mean you are enabling her to be a drinker who blames you for her issues.

Typical alcoholic mentality... their crappy life is always everyone else's fault but their own.

She needs to hit her rock bottom before she's going to take her sobriety seriously. You being her soft place to land is enabling her not to have to change.

 

So: You don't enable her and if you are afraid she will harm herself then call the police or a mental health authority in your area and tell them that she is a threat to herself and let them deal with it.

 

Thank you for clarifying your sexual orientation but it makes no difference to what I'm saying. You would do well to attend some al-anon meetings so you learn about enabling, codependency, caretaking and how to stop doing all of those things.

 

Caretaking is the dysfunctional, codependent opposite of caregiving.

 

Thank you as well for your insightful comments! I’m certainly going to read them. It is shocking to discover that by being forgiving I am actually enabling her addict behavior. It feels so wrong to have firm boundaries to a person who says to be miserable and can’t cope without me.. who blames every one of her behaviors on me having “commitment anxiety” when I all I have are ‘some’ boundaries..

 

I am so confused.

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Edit to say: apologies for my knee-jerk heteronormative lens above. I glanced at your other posts and realized my mistake. Doesn't change the tenor, but just wanted to say I see you.

 

Thanks!

And I actually might be a martyr or a saint.. i should look up what that means exactly in psychological tearms ..

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Thank you as well for your insightful comments! I’m certainly going to read them. It is shocking to discover that by being forgiving I am actually enabling her addict behavior. It feels so wrong to have firm boundaries to a person who says to be miserable and can’t cope without me.. who blames every one of her behaviors on me having “commitment anxiety” when I all I have are ‘some’ boundaries..

 

I am so confused.

Google "codependency" and read. Maybe you would get more clarity if you went to some al-anon meetings which are geared to the loved ones of the alcoholic. Melody Beatie writes the 'bible' on codependency. Perhaps reading some of her stuff will also clear some things up for you.

 

Good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update..

 

These past few weeks were a repetition of the above, with:

 

-push-pull dynamics and her blaming ME for doing this

 

-her literally using my very own words in a completely different context to get back at me (for example, me stating I was confused and needed time to process everything that happened became SHE needed time to think about the relationship)

 

-a few drunk calls at night with monologues about how I am probably already dating someone else, not listening to anything I say to counter this and assure her I love her

 

-outright externalising her issues and blaming them all on me, stating I am a selfabsorbed, manipulative person who never really cared for her, dictated everything in this relationship and just yanks her strings

 

-minimalising her alcohol abuse

 

-moments of kindness alternating with hours of sarcastic, undermining comments about me as a person - when I told her how this undermining is NOT what a loving partner would do, claiming I avoid conflict while I was merely asking for some basic respect

 

-making me feel like a crazy person, I actually started googling if I might have a personality disorder

 

-me remaining calm under all of this being described as abnormal, conflict avoiding

 

-a few nights ago after we spent the evening as ‘friends’ where she was being really cold and distant, we talked and she just went into live mode with all the blaming and projecting onto me. When she insinuated I was a manipulative, selfcentric person who never cared about her but only care about my own needs ; I couldn’t take anymore, simply got up and left.

 

-after that, an early in the morning really agitated and agressive phonecall I had to come pick her up IMMEDIATELY (she had a panic attack, which she started having at nights after drinking, not linking it to drinking) and that she was on the brink of psychosis, and if I didn’t know that I was plain stupid! I calmly adressed she couldn’t talk to me like that and she needed to call the psychiatric hospital or I would go pick her up and being her therz, which she refused and if I would do it, she would “literally come and murder me”. She wanted to be at my house, which I obviously refused as well, fearing my safety.

 

-second phonecall to say the first one was a test to see if I would really be there for her in emergencies, which clearly I am not which confirms her idea of me never having been there for her, and that I am truly a selfcentric person who prioritizes my own needs and how I will NEVER be able to hold a meaningful long relationship due to my conflict avoiding.

 

 

No further explanation needed as to why after those last two calls I cut off all contact. (Also because my mom was sick and I needed to be there for her and couldn’t handle this extreme drama).

 

My therapist believes there are clearly borderline dynamics in play, which I now can see but did not for five(!) months into the relationship...

 

I am now feeling very detached and oddly calm about this. Haven’t had any emotions so far.

 

Question:

What is strange is that those two phonecalls these last days lasted for over an hour (in total), and I only remember flashes of it as described above. Also for the events of the last few weeks I appear to suffer parts of amnesia. I truly cannot remember every aspect of this conversations, as if I shut down and detached at some point.. I was wondering if this is normal...

 

My therapist ensures me I do not have a personality disorder, and this is really undermining my confidence in myself and my instincts.. This is not the first relationship I experience with a (potential) borderline individual, and everytime I start feeling like I am the crazy one and questioning my very identity.. which will be adressed further in therapy, ofcourse.

 

Insights, comments or any advice at all I would really appreciate!

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Lucha, I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. A wonderful, intelligent, handsome, successful, respected, semi-famous man whom I adore. This is what I know about alcoholics:

 

Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. It has nothing to do with you or anything anybody has said or done.

 

Sobriety comes and goes. Two weeks, four months, six months, twelve years of sobriety? It's just a pause in drinking/smoking/injecting. They are and always will be addicts.

 

As a medical professional, you should know and accept that alcoholism is NOT a disease. Alcoholism is not the flu, cancer, HIV, or any other disease. One doesn't just not indulge in those diseases and keep them at bay. This is how we know addiction as disease is utter bull. Think about cigarette smokers. Are they protected as suffering from diseases? Hell no. Jesus. ing. Christ. So ridiculous. I USED TO SMOKE CIGARETTES. Nobody treated me like I had diabetes. Nobody said I needed help. Not one God damned, self-absorbed . Not even addicts! WTH?! Why? Oh, wait...only SOME addictions are disease. (Bull.)

 

Personalities do not change because of alcohol. My mister is the same wonderful man, drinking or sober. The core of who he is does not change. He doesn't become insecure because he's drinking - he has a healthy self-esteem. He doesn't accuse me of cheating because he knows he's worthy of trust and fidelity. He's not cruel, mean, angry when he drinks because he's none of those things sober. He isn't hiding those traits. Instead, he's warm, funny, frustrating (when he doesn't listen because sometimes he just can't seem to pause his mouth long enough to hear what I say). He gets sentimental because he IS sentimental. He gets affectionate because he IS affectionate. It's all just amplified a bit.

 

Alcoholics and addicts become emotionally arrested at the time they become addicted. It takes therapy to move forward from the time they become addicted. Simply stopping drinking/smoking meth/injecting heroin doesn't make them mature or heal them. (Lucky for me, my mister was in his 40s when his alcohol consumption became an addiction.)

 

Save yourself. Never allow a drowning victim to take you down. Let the drowning person go to save your own life - it's better that just ONE person dies than two.

 

You can love someone from afar. You can love a memory. You can even love potential. You don't have to be in the same room to care for or love anyone.

 

She will not get sober for you. She MUST do it for herself and for what she values.

 

Never make a threat you can't follow through on.

 

Rational Recovery puts sobriety on the shoulders of the addict, making them feel responsible for their actions. They MUST understand they are in control. There is no "higher power" for cancer/HIV/diabetes.

 

It's OK to walk away. You have your own/my/everyone's permission. You do NOT need her permission. Your calling is of a higher nature. Follow it and learn from this relationship.

 

Love yourself above all.

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I feel compelled to post a disclaimer: Some are mean, some are a laugh riot, some are functioning most days and drunk all the others. Some drunks don't change their way when drunk, some absolutely do. Many are in long term, codependent hell with an enabler. Others are left by those that have had enough of it. Some, once sober and been through treatment and have ongoing support from those who have been there, done that never touch another drop for the rest of their life. Alcoholics are not one size fits all.

 

Anyway: Op... Please get yourself into al-anon, learn about codependency, take ALL posts here with a grain of salt but DO continue on in your own therapy, work on your own codependency addiction with the help of a support group and change the only person you have 100% control over ~ Yourself!

 

One of the difficulties in recognizing alcoholism as a disease is it just plain doesn't seem like one. It doesn't look, sound, smell and it certainly doesn't act like a disease. To make matters worse, generally, it denies it exists and resists treatment.

 

Alcoholism has been recognized for many years by professional medical organizations as a primary, chronic, progressive, and sometimes fatal disease.

https://www.verywellmind.com/alcoholism-as-a-disease-63292

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I of course will work with my therapist further on the codependency traits. I also read the book codependent no more of melody beattie twice and dig through a lot of other self-help books these past years. I have certainly grown a lot, but there is still much more growing to do otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen for this person..

 

Which is still a beautiful, attractive person with nice character traits but I am too baffled to learn that those mean, sarcastic, undermining comments, cold treatments, rages and passive agressiveness are also traits in the same person.

 

She had been a sweet, caring individual for 5 months previous to the drinking relapse.. of course I catched some signals like black and white thinking, overly sensitive to criticism, adoring and then devaluating friendships,..

 

Still baffled by how fast this all went and how I cannot remember parts of our conversations of these last few weeks!

 

Anybody thoughts on that, my apparent ‘amnesia’ for a lot of the facts?

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Don't let her drunken rants and self-loathing pontificating define you. Why entertain drivel that a boozed-soaked brain spews out? You're an MD, so get out of fixing her mode. Redirect it to patients. In the future you'll get burn out if you don't make a very clear delineation between your professional and personal lives. Don't fix your mother, don't fix your lovers, don't fix people in your personal life. Even thought you have the training, tools, knowledge and compassion to do so, don't.

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Still baffled by how fast this all went and how I cannot remember parts of our conversations of these last few weeks!

 

Anybody thoughts on that, my apparent ‘amnesia’ for a lot of the facts?

 

I used to get amnesia like that when I was growing up. My mom was quite mean and would attack me for no reason. When I would tell my therapist about it, I found that I couldn't remember large portions of the arguments. It was from the extreme stress that I felt. I short circuited.

 

You are focusing too much on ancillary details, like the speed of this change and the incongruity of her "drinking personality" with her non-drinking personality. You allowing yourself to be distracted from the actual problem, which is that she has become mean and spiteful and is treating you poorly. You need to deal with the problem.

 

Obviously dealing with the problem is very stressful for you, because you are short circuiting. But you do have to pry your attention away from these little details and face the real truth of the matter.

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I used to get amnesia like that when I was growing up. My mom was quite mean and would attack me for no reason. When I would tell my therapist about it, I found that I couldn't remember large portions of the arguments. It was from the extreme stress that I felt. I short circuited.

 

You are focusing too much on ancillary details, like the speed of this change and the incongruity of her "drinking personality" with her non-drinking personality. You allowing yourself to be distracted from the actual problem, which is that she has become mean and spiteful and is treating you poorly. You need to deal with the problem.

 

Obviously dealing with the problem is very stressful for you, because you are short circuiting. But you do have to pry your attention away from these little details and face the real truth of the matter.

 

Thanks! I needed this:).

 

It’s hard focussing on the current facts when I can barely remember any.. I am tempted to check on her and how she is doing , I’m worried about her mental well-being..

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It’s hard focussing on the current facts when I can barely remember any.. I am tempted to check on her and how she is doing , I’m worried about her mental well-being..

 

Terrible idea.

 

You need to stop looking for validation from her, which is ultimately what you are probably doing. I don't mean to be unkind, as my ex was diagnosed BPD and I understand the very confusing emotions involved - but you are not helping anyone by contacting her. Not her, not yourself. I get that certain aspects of particularly hurtful events or conversations are not clear in your memory, but part of that is just being human. I can't perfectly recall conversations I had this morning with my coworkers. Memory isn't meant to be a perfect record. Our brains don't work like that, especially when a memory is painful. And in the end, it serves no purpose to ruminate on why you can't remember.

 

You seem to still be searching for that momentary soothing of the ego that comes when she acknowledges you. That will fade in time, but only if you stop sabotaging your own healing and looking for reasons to be in touch with her. I was guilty of the same on occasion with my ex after a couple big falling-outs. However, once I had finally reached the point of genuinely wanting out, I had no desire to check in with him. Even a year or two after the break-up when he found a way to contact me (I'd blocked him everywhere else) I had no problem not responding and blocking him again. You'll get there, but you need to do the hard work and not look to her to make you feel better.

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Terrible idea.

 

You need to stop looking for validation from her, which is ultimately what you are probably doing. I don't mean to be unkind, as my ex was diagnosed BPD and I understand the very confusing emotions involved - but you are not helping anyone by contacting her. Not her, not yourself. I get that certain aspects of particularly hurtful events or conversations are not clear in your memory, but part of that is just being human. I can't perfectly recall conversations I had this morning with my coworkers. Memory isn't meant to be a perfect record. Our brains don't work like that, especially when a memory is painful. And in the end, it serves no purpose to ruminate on why you can't remember.

 

You seem to still be searching for that momentary soothing of the ego that comes when she acknowledges you. That will fade in time, but only if you stop sabotaging your own healing and looking for reasons to be in touch with her. I was guilty of the same on occasion with my ex after a couple big falling-outs. However, once I had finally reached the point of genuinely wanting out, I had no desire to check in with him. Even a year or two after the break-up when he found a way to contact me (I'd blocked him everywhere else) I had no problem not responding and blocking him again. You'll get there, but you need to do the hard work and not look to her to make you feel better.

 

Will most certainly do that. I just hope she seeks help for her alcohol abuse and mental wellbeing, and know that it is not my responsibility.

 

Experiencing a bit love withdrawal symptoms myself, as love is also an addiction! But I’ll try to cope in healthier ways..

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Thanks! I needed this:).

 

It’s hard focussing on the current facts when I can barely remember any.. I am tempted to check on her and how she is doing , I’m worried about her mental well-being..

 

Understood.... aaannnnd there you go again back into the weeds.

 

Why?

 

The most important thing here is that you are being mistreated.

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Understood.... aaannnnd there you go again back into the weeds.

 

Why?

 

The most important thing here is that you are being mistreated.

 

Okay! You have a point there [emoji16]

 

I’m going to not contact and focus on my own wellbeing and take care after myself! I’ll try to snap out of it when my mind wanders to her.

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Anybody thoughts on that, my apparent ‘amnesia’ for a lot of the facts?
It was your subconscious protecting you from the abuse. Don't worry about it.

 

... and Do Not check in on her. You will just open the door to more of her alcoholic manipulation and mental/emotional abuse of you. You have to let her hit her rock bottom but she never will as long as there are people out there enabling her to keep on practicing her chit. If she contacts you again then the first thing you should ask her is if she is in rehab or treatment or going to AA meetings and if she isn't, then say your goodbyes and hang up/log off/ignore... just don't respond to anything further.

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Will most certainly do that. I just hope she seeks help for her alcohol abuse and mental wellbeing, and know that it is not my responsibility.

 

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I used to hope the same for my ex, though there were no substance abuse issues. There were, however, severe issues with emotional instability, anger and abusive tendencies.

 

I don't wish him any ill-will, but at this point? I don't really care whether or not he ever gets help. His path in life has nothing to do with mine anymore. Granted, it's been a few years since we finally split, but once your heart detaches, your desire to track their well-being fades too.

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