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Thread: Being broken up with by a relapsing alcoholic

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    Thank you as well for your insightful comments! I’m certainly going to read them. It is shocking to discover that by being forgiving I am actually enabling her addict behavior. It feels so wrong to have firm boundaries to a person who says to be miserable and can’t cope without me.. who blames every one of her behaviors on me having “commitment anxiety” when I all I have are ‘some’ boundaries..

    I am so confused.
    Google "codependency" and read. Maybe you would get more clarity if you went to some al-anon meetings which are geared to the loved ones of the alcoholic. Melody Beatie writes the 'bible' on codependency. Perhaps reading some of her stuff will also clear some things up for you.

    Good luck!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't underestimate yourself. You dodged a bullet.

  3. #13
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    Update..

    These past few weeks were a repetition of the above, with:

    -push-pull dynamics and her blaming ME for doing this

    -her literally using my very own words in a completely different context to get back at me (for example, me stating I was confused and needed time to process everything that happened became SHE needed time to think about the relationship)

    -a few drunk calls at night with monologues about how I am probably already dating someone else, not listening to anything I say to counter this and assure her I love her

    -outright externalising her issues and blaming them all on me, stating I am a selfabsorbed, manipulative person who never really cared for her, dictated everything in this relationship and just yanks her strings

    -minimalising her alcohol abuse

    -moments of kindness alternating with hours of sarcastic, undermining comments about me as a person - when I told her how this undermining is NOT what a loving partner would do, claiming I avoid conflict while I was merely asking for some basic respect

    -making me feel like a crazy person, I actually started googling if I might have a personality disorder

    -me remaining calm under all of this being described as abnormal, conflict avoiding

    -a few nights ago after we spent the evening as ‘friends’ where she was being really cold and distant, we talked and she just went into live mode with all the blaming and projecting onto me. When she insinuated I was a manipulative, selfcentric person who never cared about her but only care about my own needs ; I couldn’t take anymore, simply got up and left.

    -after that, an early in the morning really agitated and agressive phonecall I had to come pick her up IMMEDIATELY (she had a panic attack, which she started having at nights after drinking, not linking it to drinking) and that she was on the brink of psychosis, and if I didn’t know that I was plain stupid! I calmly adressed she couldn’t talk to me like that and she needed to call the psychiatric hospital or I would go pick her up and being her therz, which she refused and if I would do it, she would “literally come and murder me”. She wanted to be at my house, which I obviously refused as well, fearing my safety.

    -second phonecall to say the first one was a test to see if I would really be there for her in emergencies, which clearly I am not which confirms her idea of me never having been there for her, and that I am truly a selfcentric person who prioritizes my own needs and how I will NEVER be able to hold a meaningful long relationship due to my conflict avoiding.



    No further explanation needed as to why after those last two calls I cut off all contact. (Also because my mom was sick and I needed to be there for her and couldn’t handle this extreme drama).

    My therapist believes there are clearly borderline dynamics in play, which I now can see but did not for five(!) months into the relationship...

    I am now feeling very detached and oddly calm about this. Haven’t had any emotions so far.

    Question:
    What is strange is that those two phonecalls these last days lasted for over an hour (in total), and I only remember flashes of it as described above. Also for the events of the last few weeks I appear to suffer parts of amnesia. I truly cannot remember every aspect of this conversations, as if I shut down and detached at some point.. I was wondering if this is normal...

    My therapist ensures me I do not have a personality disorder, and this is really undermining my confidence in myself and my instincts.. This is not the first relationship I experience with a (potential) borderline individual, and everytime I start feeling like I am the crazy one and questioning my very identity.. which will be adressed further in therapy, ofcourse.

    Insights, comments or any advice at all I would really appreciate!

  4. #14
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    Lucha, I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. A wonderful, intelligent, handsome, successful, respected, semi-famous man whom I adore. This is what I know about alcoholics:

    Alcoholics drink because they're alcoholics. It has nothing to do with you or anything anybody has said or done.

    Sobriety comes and goes. Two weeks, four months, six months, twelve years of sobriety? It's just a pause in drinking/smoking/injecting. They are and always will be addicts.

    As a medical professional, you should know and accept that alcoholism is NOT a disease. Alcoholism is not the flu, cancer, HIV, or any other disease. One doesn't just not indulge in those diseases and keep them at bay. This is how we know addiction as disease is utter bull. Think about cigarette smokers. Are they protected as suffering from diseases? Hell no. Jesus. ing. Christ. So ridiculous. I USED TO SMOKE CIGARETTES. Nobody treated me like I had diabetes. Nobody said I needed help. Not one God damned, self-absorbed . Not even addicts! WTH?! Why? Oh, wait...only SOME addictions are disease. (Bull.)

    Personalities do not change because of alcohol. My mister is the same wonderful man, drinking or sober. The core of who he is does not change. He doesn't become insecure because he's drinking - he has a healthy self-esteem. He doesn't accuse me of cheating because he knows he's worthy of trust and fidelity. He's not cruel, mean, angry when he drinks because he's none of those things sober. He isn't hiding those traits. Instead, he's warm, funny, frustrating (when he doesn't listen because sometimes he just can't seem to pause his mouth long enough to hear what I say). He gets sentimental because he IS sentimental. He gets affectionate because he IS affectionate. It's all just amplified a bit.

    Alcoholics and addicts become emotionally arrested at the time they become addicted. It takes therapy to move forward from the time they become addicted. Simply stopping drinking/smoking meth/injecting heroin doesn't make them mature or heal them. (Lucky for me, my mister was in his 40s when his alcohol consumption became an addiction.)

    Save yourself. Never allow a drowning victim to take you down. Let the drowning person go to save your own life - it's better that just ONE person dies than two.

    You can love someone from afar. You can love a memory. You can even love potential. You don't have to be in the same room to care for or love anyone.

    She will not get sober for you. She MUST do it for herself and for what she values.

    Never make a threat you can't follow through on.

    Rational Recovery puts sobriety on the shoulders of the addict, making them feel responsible for their actions. They MUST understand they are in control. There is no "higher power" for cancer/HIV/diabetes.

    It's OK to walk away. You have your own/my/everyone's permission. You do NOT need her permission. Your calling is of a higher nature. Follow it and learn from this relationship.

    Love yourself above all.
    Last edited by AutumnBorn; 07-04-2019 at 07:25 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I feel compelled to post a disclaimer: Some are mean, some are a laugh riot, some are functioning most days and drunk all the others. Some drunks don't change their way when drunk, some absolutely do. Many are in long term, codependent hell with an enabler. Others are left by those that have had enough of it. Some, once sober and been through treatment and have ongoing support from those who have been there, done that never touch another drop for the rest of their life. Alcoholics are not one size fits all.

    Anyway: Op... Please get yourself into al-anon, learn about codependency, take ALL posts here with a grain of salt but DO continue on in your own therapy, work on your own codependency addiction with the help of a support group and change the only person you have 100% control over ~ Yourself!

    One of the difficulties in recognizing alcoholism as a disease is it just plain doesn't seem like one. It doesn't look, sound, smell and it certainly doesn't act like a disease. To make matters worse, generally, it denies it exists and resists treatment.

    Alcoholism has been recognized for many years by professional medical organizations as a primary, chronic, progressive, and sometimes fatal disease.
    [Register to see the link]

  7. #16
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    I of course will work with my therapist further on the codependency traits. I also read the book codependent no more of melody beattie twice and dig through a lot of other self-help books these past years. I have certainly grown a lot, but there is still much more growing to do otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen for this person..

    Which is still a beautiful, attractive person with nice character traits but I am too baffled to learn that those mean, sarcastic, undermining comments, cold treatments, rages and passive agressiveness are also traits in the same person.

    She had been a sweet, caring individual for 5 months previous to the drinking relapse.. of course I catched some signals like black and white thinking, overly sensitive to criticism, adoring and then devaluating friendships,..

    Still baffled by how fast this all went and how I cannot remember parts of our conversations of these last few weeks!

    Anybody thoughts on that, my apparent ‘amnesia’ for a lot of the facts?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't let her drunken rants and self-loathing pontificating define you. Why entertain drivel that a boozed-soaked brain spews out? You're an MD, so get out of fixing her mode. Redirect it to patients. In the future you'll get burn out if you don't make a very clear delineation between your professional and personal lives. Don't fix your mother, don't fix your lovers, don't fix people in your personal life. Even thought you have the training, tools, knowledge and compassion to do so, don't.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    Still baffled by how fast this all went and how I cannot remember parts of our conversations of these last few weeks!

    Anybody thoughts on that, my apparent ‘amnesia’ for a lot of the facts?
    I used to get amnesia like that when I was growing up. My mom was quite mean and would attack me for no reason. When I would tell my therapist about it, I found that I couldn't remember large portions of the arguments. It was from the extreme stress that I felt. I short circuited.

    You are focusing too much on ancillary details, like the speed of this change and the incongruity of her "drinking personality" with her non-drinking personality. You allowing yourself to be distracted from the actual problem, which is that she has become mean and spiteful and is treating you poorly. You need to deal with the problem.

    Obviously dealing with the problem is very stressful for you, because you are short circuiting. But you do have to pry your attention away from these little details and face the real truth of the matter.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I used to get amnesia like that when I was growing up. My mom was quite mean and would attack me for no reason. When I would tell my therapist about it, I found that I couldn't remember large portions of the arguments. It was from the extreme stress that I felt. I short circuited.

    You are focusing too much on ancillary details, like the speed of this change and the incongruity of her "drinking personality" with her non-drinking personality. You allowing yourself to be distracted from the actual problem, which is that she has become mean and spiteful and is treating you poorly. You need to deal with the problem.

    Obviously dealing with the problem is very stressful for you, because you are short circuiting. But you do have to pry your attention away from these little details and face the real truth of the matter.
    Thanks! I needed this:).

    It’s hard focussing on the current facts when I can barely remember any.. I am tempted to check on her and how she is doing , I’m worried about her mental well-being..

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    It’s hard focussing on the current facts when I can barely remember any.. I am tempted to check on her and how she is doing , I’m worried about her mental well-being..
    Terrible idea.

    You need to stop looking for validation from her, which is ultimately what you are probably doing. I don't mean to be unkind, as my ex was diagnosed BPD and I understand the very confusing emotions involved - but you are not helping anyone by contacting her. Not her, not yourself. I get that certain aspects of particularly hurtful events or conversations are not clear in your memory, but part of that is just being human. I can't perfectly recall conversations I had this morning with my coworkers. Memory isn't meant to be a perfect record. Our brains don't work like that, especially when a memory is painful. And in the end, it serves no purpose to ruminate on why you can't remember.

    You seem to still be searching for that momentary soothing of the ego that comes when she acknowledges you. That will fade in time, but only if you stop sabotaging your own healing and looking for reasons to be in touch with her. I was guilty of the same on occasion with my ex after a couple big falling-outs. However, once I had finally reached the point of genuinely wanting out, I had no desire to check in with him. Even a year or two after the break-up when he found a way to contact me (I'd blocked him everywhere else) I had no problem not responding and blocking him again. You'll get there, but you need to do the hard work and not look to her to make you feel better.

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