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He goes hot and cold and also never meets


Alexia009

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I met this guy on a social media platform two years ago. We live in different cities almost 5 hours apart. Initially two years ago, I instantly liked him, he is like everything I would have ever wanted in a man, so the very first time we met, I suggested we should date which he politely refused stating his reasons for being busy at work and also he isn’t particularly looking for anything serious and also sort of confessed that he gets easily distracted by women, so he is not the right person for me. I understood and backed off. However he didn’t. He kept pursuing me after that. Sometimes it became like a silly push and pull game. It was a year of him paying compliments to me and not much of flirting though. After a good one year , things slowly escalated to engaging in phone sex. He was the one to initiate it. I wanted more meaningful relationship but I liked him anyway so I gave in. This went on for another year almost and we never met. He made a lot of plans to meet actually but never followed through. I was always confused why a man who is always super enthusiastic about me and phone sex, would never meet me in real for the actual sex. Here i want to mention that I am not a desperate chick and I get a lot of attention. For me It was like let’s have something good with the person whom I genuinely like even for the moment. I was aware that he is emotionally unavailable and not a relationship type. I don’t care if he is a player, I feel genuine affection for him and wanted to have a quality time with him. But I don’t understand why he doesn’t meet me for real. He keeps on going hot and cold. Goes cold for a week or so then come back strong only to go cold again. If i try to talk to him, he gets distant. And the excuse he gives is his super busy work and personal business. I don’t know if he only plays around by having phone sex and not meet me in real. He is real though we video chat also and i have met him once. Or there are too many options that he has at his home place, that I am one of the chicks he has phone sex with. Or he wants me to chase around or is just afraid to meet because he fears that it might lead to some emotional attachment which is contrary to his player style. He always vibed as someone not shallow but just the exteriorly pretending to be so. But again I am not sure. This is confusing and frustrating. Please help.

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He sounds like he's married or has a girlfriend.

 

And even if he doesn't, why do you waste this much time on him, OP? He clearly has no intention of actually meeting up again, and you're right that you are probably one of many women he talks to. You're a distraction when he's bored or horny but he's almost certainly actually getting real sex from someone else.

 

What are you getting out of this?

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You are right @missCanuck, I am actually getting nothing out of it, i guess i have started to like him so much and grow genuine feelings for him. And can’t let go of him and stuck in an unfortunate situation where i try to let go and then he comes back and i have to start all over again.

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You are right @missCanuck, I am actually getting nothing out of it, i guess i have started to like him so much and grow genuine feelings for him. And can’t let go of him and stuck in an unfortunate situation where i try to let go and then he comes back and i have to start all over again.

 

How is that even possible when you've met him just once?

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How is that even possible when you've met him just once?

 

Two years of talking, plus i am very picky. He just fitted in every aspect. It's just i picked the wrong one. I am a very successful woman career wise and confident too. I couldn't find an equally successful man for a long time except for him. I am super emotional too.

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When and where did you meet him in person?

 

He is from my home town. I met him when I visited my hometown. I rarely visit my hometown because of my very busy work schedule. Even if i do, I don’t meet him, because I always wanted him to make an effort to atleast ask me for that

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He sounds like he's married or has a girlfriend.

 

And even if he doesn't, why do you waste this much time on him, OP? He clearly has no intention of actually meeting up again, and you're right that you are probably one of many women he talks to. You're a distraction when he's bored or horny but he's almost certainly actually getting real sex from someone else.

 

What are you getting out of this?

 

This is spot on.

 

Surely after 2 years you realise that you're not going to get anything more from this guy. Stop wasting your time and move on.

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You are right @missCanuck, I am actually getting nothing out of it, i guess i have started to like him so much and grow genuine feelings for him. And can’t let go of him and stuck in an unfortunate situation where i try to let go and then he comes back and i have to start all over again.

 

How is that an unfortunate situation?

When you place yourself in a situation voluntarily it’s not considered misfortune. It’s called a mistake.

So stop making that mistake and pretending it’s something out of your control.

 

He hasn’t in 2 years made any attempt or effort to even have sex with you.

It doesn’t matter why. It’s certainly not something you could fix even if you knew why.

He is only interested in an online affair and likely because he has options locally.

 

But he did make it very clear in the beginning that he didn’t want anything from you other than what he’s getting now.

 

So either continue to provide that no questions asked or stop.

Up to you entirely.

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He sounds like he's married or has a girlfriend.

 

And even if he doesn't, why do you waste this much time on him, OP? He clearly has no intention of actually meeting up again, and you're right that you are probably one of many women he talks to. You're a distraction when he's bored or horny but he's almost certainly actually getting real sex from someone else.

 

What are you getting out of this?

 

He is not married for sure. About girlfriend , he says he didn't date anyone for last 4-5 years. maybe flings yeah. Although very recently he was telling me that he is not much into sex and i should stop judging him and let's just be normal friends which he didn't stick to.

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Two years of talking, plus i am very picky. He just fitted in every aspect. It's just i picked the wrong one. I am a very successful woman career wise and confident too. I couldn't find an equally successful man for a long time except for him. I am super emotional too.

 

I don't buy that, at least in this case. If you were picky, you wouldn't be wasting two years on a guy who is all talk, no action. You would have discarded this dude ages ago. Picky women don't hang on to a non-starter. They devote their time to men who walk the walk and nix the rest.

 

I think you need to be more realistic with yourself and this situation. You have built up an idea of who this man is, based on very little real-life interaction. It's who you hope he is that you're stuck on, not who he actually is. That's likely also what happened when you suggested dating on your first and only meeting. You put the cart before the horse. I also think you need to concede that yes, you are leading with emotions and it's getting you into murky territory. You're attached to a fantasy here, because it feels good to feed the emotions that seek attention and validation from someone we like. But you're seeking it from the wrong source. He obviously is not interested beyond a phone-sex game, but you keep hoping he will change his mind and help you feel better about wasting so much time on him. Time to stop that.

 

Cut this guy off.

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Is he married? Are you? Block and delete him from all messaging and social media apps. Get a good profile and photos up on a quality dating site and start messaging and meeting local single men for a quick coffee.

It was a year of him paying compliments to me and not much of flirting though. After a good one year , things slowly escalated to engaging in phone sex.
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Is he married? Are you? Block and delete him from all messaging and social media apps. Get a good profile and photos up on a quality dating site and start messaging and meeting local single men for a quick coffee.

 

None of us is married , I am 27.

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Two years of talking, plus i am very picky. He just fitted in every aspect. It's just i picked the wrong one. I am a very successful woman career wise and confident too. I couldn't find an equally successful man for a long time except for him. I am super emotional too.

 

First step to getting over this guy is to stop saying that he fits everything you want when he doesn't. If he did, you wouldn't be on this forum upset about the situation.

 

If you're a successful and confident woman it's time to learn the difference between "good on paper" and actual relationship material. Stop engaging with a guy that doesn't want what you claim to want or admit you don't really want it.

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First step to getting over this guy is to stop saying that he fits everything you want when he doesn't. If he did, you wouldn't be on this forum upset about the situation.

 

If you're a successful and confident woman it's time to learn the difference between "good on paper" and actual relationship material. Stop engaging with a guy that doesn't want what you claim to want or admit you don't really want it.

 

I guess i was in love with the fantasy of him , without knowing who he is.

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How is that an unfortunate situation?

When you place yourself in a situation voluntarily it’s not considered misfortune. It’s called a mistake.

So stop making that mistake and pretending it’s something out of your control.

 

He hasn’t in 2 years made any attempt or effort to even have sex with you.

It doesn’t matter why. It’s certainly not something you could fix even if you knew why.

He is only interested in an online affair and likely because he has options locally.

 

But he did make it very clear in the beginning that he didn’t want anything from you other than what he’s getting now.

 

So either continue to provide that no questions asked or stop.

Up to you entirely.

 

You sound so right. I have a question to you Billie, I was curious otherwise, as a male you can give some insight, men generally do not miss out on any opportunity to have sex considering my experience with other guys, no matter if they are married. have girl friend or casually hooking up. Experience with this guy was perplexing. Although he was himself suggesting all the time to meet, but when the time came, he never could make it blaming this on various reasons.

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You sound so right. I have a question to you Billie, I was curious otherwise, as a male you can give some insight, men generally do not miss out on any opportunity to have sex considering my experience with other guys, no matter if they are married. have girl friend or casually hooking up. Experience with this guy was perplexing. Although he was himself suggesting all the time to meet, but when the time came, he never could make it blaming this on various reasons.

 

He is getting sex elsewhere.

He is enjoying getting off with you while “thinking” it’s not cheating.

When he is horny he suggests meeting , it’s fantasy, after he gets off thanks to you , he goes back to reality.

When he gets horny again he contacts you because the illicit online stuff gets him off, you oblige him every time.

He of course can’t tell you the truth because if he did , you would bail and then who is he gonna get off to in his fantasy?

 

You are a real person , but to him you are fictional.

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I don't buy that, at least in this case. If you were picky, you wouldn't be wasting two years on a guy who is all talk, no action. You would have discarded this dude ages ago. Picky women don't hang on to a non-starter. They devote their time to men who walk the walk and nix the rest.

 

I think you need to be more realistic with yourself and this situation. You have built up an idea of who this man is, based on very little real-life interaction. It's who you hope he is that you're stuck on, not who he actually is. That's likely also what happened when you suggested dating on your first and only meeting. You put the cart before the horse. I also think you need to concede that yes, you are leading with emotions and it's getting you into murky territory. You're attached to a fantasy here, because it feels good to feed the emotions that seek attention and validation from someone we like. But you're seeking it from the wrong source. He obviously is not interested beyond a phone-sex game, but you keep hoping he will change his mind and help you feel better about wasting so much time on him. Time to stop that.

 

Cut this guy off.

 

I agree with you. I didn't stop myself from falling for the fantasy of this guy. I saw him as i wanted to. I believed him to be good person without him actually ever proving it. In the hope of a positive outcome, i have got attached with the idea of having him as my only source of happiness. I generally tend to get less logical in relationships but here i should have been careful.

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He is getting sex elsewhere.

He is enjoying getting off with you while “thinking” it’s not cheating.

When he is horny he suggests meeting , it’s fantasy, after he gets off thanks to you , he goes back to reality.

When he gets horny again he contacts you because the illicit online stuff gets him off, you oblige him every time.

He of course can’t tell you the truth because if he did , you would bail and then who is he gonna get off to in his fantasy?

 

You are a real person , but to him you are fictional.

 

This totally explains. I never thought this way. Even when i didn't oblige and tried to cut him off, his online pursuing game became stronger and I was under the impression that he genuinely likes me and must be dealing with his own insecurities. How foolish of me.

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This totally explains. I never thought this way. Even when i didn't oblige and tried to cut him off, his online pursuing game became stronger and I was under the impression that he genuinely likes me and must be dealing with his own insecurities. How foolish of me.

 

You were his fantasy and he was yours.

You are both responsible for allowing it to go on this long. He was of course happy to because he only considered it a fantasy.

You wanted to make a fantasy real by obliging him with HIS fantasy.

 

It doesn’t matter how smart you are at work etc, you clearly aren’t so smart when it comes to relationships.

You have wasted 2 years ignoring possibilities of relationships by ignoring potentials just to have phone sex with a guy who doesn’t even care to actually have sex with you. Why???!

 

This is your issue not his.

He never wanted anything more from you. You actually know this but still haven’t deleted or blocked him?

And then call that “unfortunate”?

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