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Is he unsupportive or am I expecting too much?


Elpida90

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Hi everyone,

 

 

Just looking to obtain another perspective on my situation. I am a 28 yo female living with my 32 yo boyfriend.

 

 

We have been together for 2 years and have lived together for the last 6 months (I moved into a place he was renting). I earned quite a bit more than him, so we split the bills 70/30 with me paying the lion's share. My boyfriend was struggling financially when we met. He never expected anything but I was always happy to pick up the bill if we went for dinner or drinks to try and help him somehow. Since then he is much better and now has a fair amount of money saved.

 

 

I should mention that he does a traditional office job whereas I own my own small business. In January, I decided to change course of operation which meant investing some of my savings into my business. Since January I have been both living from my savings and investing in my business. It paid off as I signed some really big clients in April. The problem however is that I now work on 65 days net payment which means I dont get paid until 65 days after doing the work.

 

 

The last few months of my paying 70% of the bills, investing in the business, etc, all from my savings means that I have not enough money to tide me over until I get my first big payments in August and then September.

 

 

I told my boyfriend that the next two months would be a struggle and he was very rude about it after coming to expect me to pay most of the bills. He said we could split the rent 50/50 but honestly I am on the brink of running out of any money whatsoever.

 

If I pay half of the June and July rents and bills, and do grocery shopping, that's all I can afford.

 

Every time I go to the supermarket I am adding up dollars and cents because these next two months will be a struggle. It's my birthday next month and I won't be able to afford to do anything. I also can't afford to have a checkup at the dentist.

 

Meanwhile my boyfriend is in a good place financially. He left an atm receipt lying on the table and I can see that he has stacked up a lot of savings over the last few months. Despite hearing me say I am struggling, he openly gambles on betting apps right in front of me and says "oh well that's only $50" if he loses.

 

I feel really hurt that despite the fact that I helped him a lot in the past and paid his way, he will not help me now. Ironically after September I will be making a lot and having a lot of disposable income but this is a difficult blip.

 

I asked if he could cover more of the rent or let me pay him back later for these two months and he got angry and told me he is not responsible for paying for two people. He did our first big grocery shop of the month and after me telling him I am struggling, he kept complaining every time I ate something saying he hoped I was going to bother to do some of the food shopping and not just eat all his things. Honestly this makes me so angry as I historically did all of the food shopping.

 

He will make comments about how I should have been better with my money or snidey remarks on how if you want something you pay for it not expect it for free. He makes me feel like I am some freeloader ☹

 

I just wish I had a supportive boyfriend who would say "look ive got rent these two months" and just let me contribute to smaller bills or something, or let me give it him in September. Before I moved in he was living here alone anyway!

 

I am seriously considering leaving and going to stay with my parents. It's affecting my ability to concentrate on my work now and honestly I will have to take out a small loan or get a credit card to get me from now to August if i stay in his place while he sits with tens of thousands in his account.

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Lose the bf.

 

Damn, you have been supporting this creep for all of this time and he won't step up to the plate. Wow! Did he ever pay you back for supporting him?

 

I think you are seeing his true colors. He no longer sees you as his wallet.

 

I do not understand why he was not contributing more when his financial situation changed? You should have been more equal in expenses and not allowed him to put it all into savings. You are clearly a part of the problem and enabled this bum to live off of you.

 

Move out and dump him! Expect more for yourself and stop supporting men!

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Leave him and let him learn how to fend for himself.

 

When you're in a committed relationship helping with finances when one partner experiences hard times should be what a good partner does.

 

I moved in with my husband when we were dating in order to go to university. He paid for the mortgage and food etc while I did my program.

 

When I finished I went back to my country and we got married and I sponsored him over as a spouse. For the first 8 months he had no job and had trouble finding one. I obviously paid for everything as he had done for me.

 

This guy isn't willing to be a partner but he sure liked having another mom.

 

Get rid of him.

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Ugh, there are just so many people men and women like this these days. Don't bleed over anyone who isn't willing to return the favor. You're learning the hard way that this man is a leech and not a partner. I'm sorry for the wake up call, but it is absolutely time to move on.

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I mean the dude is either a regular Disney villain by your description, or there's a whole lot we're missing. If this legit is the story, then the answer is obvious to leave tomorrow.

 

Regardless, there's a whole lot of goofy **** going on for a couple who's only been together a couple years. He shouldn't have banked on you covering 70% (I'm likewise curious how he paid prior to you moving in). You shouldn't be making brazen business investments relying on being financially supported by someone else. This t1t-for-tat isn't sustainable for a healthy relationship.

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I mean the dude is either a regular Disney villain by your description, or there's a whole lot we're missing. If this legit is the story, then the answer is obvious to leave tomorrow.

 

Regardless, there's a whole lot of goofy **** going on for a couple who's only been together a couple years. He shouldn't have banked on you covering 70% (I'm likewise curious how he paid prior to you moving in). You shouldn't be making brazen business investments relying on being financially supported by someone else. This t1t-for-tat isn't sustainable for a healthy relationship.

 

I think that it a blessing. She has finally woken up to who he is.

 

OP, I still cannot comprehend why you allowed him to put money into savings, while you paid the majority?

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I have a different take, as you've said he never did expect anything nor ask. It seems you volunteered to pay extra towards rent etc. with an unspoken assumption on your part that he wanted an arrangement like this. Yes, he could/should have spoken up there and then and said he would not accept beyond your share.

But I think he wasn't in this just to mooch. I think he would have been happy with each of you worrying about your respective shares and keeping it clean and simple.

Was there ever a discussion about how finances would be handled as a couple?

Instead of rushing off in anger, I would talk about it first.

You still may decide this is not for you, but at least you'll have full info of where he is coming from.

 

I think I see it this way as I have never been comfy with an arrangement like you wish to have. I stated it fairly upfront though, and of course there are times one person may float the other for a time in order to do something. But that needs to be decided as a couple. If my partner even today, a few years in to living together, spring me with ' oh so since I helped you, now I'm in trouble and need you to help cover me for a few months' without having explicitly telling me that as the terms of him helping me in the first place so I can decide if I want that deal or to decline, I wouldn't like it.

 

And if you move home, does that mean your folks will help you? It's just things to think about.

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He didn’t save “tens of thousands” in 6 months. I’m not buying it. If even “tens” means “twenty” - that’s saving $3,333 a month in the 6 months you’ve been living together. Saving. In after-income tax money. After paying rent, and groceries, and presumably transportation, and I assume he has a phone, etc.

 

So - either he makes a lot more than you think he makes... or you are living in an inexpensive tiny place... or “struggling” to him meant he wasn’t saving as much as he wanted to... or...

 

I think there is more to this story. The math simply doesn’t add up. Or you are including pension savings or something.

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I know your boyfriend didn't expect anything at first and you volunteered to pay for everything 70/30, so OK that part was not exactly his fault. I don't know what he's like in other aspects of your relationship but I have to say that from your post he sounds horrible. You did support him a lot financially for quite a while and now you are only asking that he help you for a couple of months. You are not saying it'll be forever. You have your own business and your own income. If he has the money then he should not be acting so rude about doing this for you, after everything you have done for him. And to act like a jerk about the food and be like "you are eating MY food". Um, you live together and in a relationship of two years so it's both your food. Sure, he got the grocery shop this time but you used to get it and you never said "don't eat my food". He sounds very stingy, petty and immature for his age. You can also see now that he was completely ungrateful for all you did for him. You're a smart businesswoman, you can do MUCH better than this!

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Move out. It's not working out. Why be his sugar-mama?

 

We have been together for 2 years and have lived together for the last 6 months (I moved into a place he was renting). I earned quite a bit more than him, so we split the bills 70/30 with me paying the lion's share.

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Did you know of his gambling before you moved in?

His “savings” are not his. They are yours because you subsidised him.

And his “savings” are more likely due to winnings from gambling that can turn into losses in a day.

 

So yes he is angry that you want a cut of his winnings essentially, but those winnings were born from your enabling. Instead of him having no money to gamble you decided to pay for part of his rent allowing him money to gamble.

 

He has become accustomed to your financial enabling that he doesn’t know what to do now.

 

So yes, only way forward from here is to move out. Since you moved into his rental , your name won’t be in the lease so you legally can move out right now.

If you want to be somewhat empathetic , move out and give him 2 weeks rent (50/50 only)

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Never be covering for dinner or rent all the time when you're the female. Either it's 50/50 or he should contribute more.

 

Guy is a leech and you should break up. Please learn from this and never do this again.

 

Why does being female matter? It's not like these two have an a specific setup where she's a SAHM or works part time to care for kids and he's the breadwinner. How does her gender play into this? Men deserve fairness too.

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Is it yourplace that he moved into? Or did you look for a place together and pick this one?

If its the former, you can't punish him for you deciding to invest in your business and not having much left over for bills if you were swinging it fine before he showed up and asked him only for 30%.

If its the latter, then you should have chosen a place where you can both afford half of the rent.

He is paying exactly what you told him was his share when he moved in.

I understand he should help, but it should not be "okay this month, you pay half". It should be incremental "I am not making as much money so over the course of the few months can you work up to paying more of the rent." OR why not just ask HIM to pick up the groceries and extras instead of calculating the pennies at the grocery store.

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Why does being female matter? It's not like these two have an a specific setup where she's a SAHM or works part time to care for kids and he's the breadwinner. How does her gender play into this? Men deserve fairness too.

 

Raising kids is a tough job, plus when a parent stays home and cares for the kids they are not paying for childcare. That does not equate to this situation.

 

She has been supporting him while he gambles. Shame on her!

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Raising kids is a tough job, plus when a parent stays home and cares for the kids they are not paying for childcare. That does not equate to this situation.

 

She has been supporting him while he gambles. Shame on her!

 

I agree, she needs to ditch this guy in this case.

 

I'm just wondering why the previous poster said that you should pay only 50% or less if you are female, no other criteria involved. Seems lopsided and unfair to me.

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I agree, she needs to ditch this guy in this case.

 

I'm just wondering why the previous poster said that you should pay only 50% or less if you are female, no other criteria involved. Seems lopsided and unfair to me.

I agree. Expenses should be shared.

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Pardon, I don't think this was covered by the other members yet. Would you please clarify whether you spoke about your business investments as a couple and the effects it would have on your personal expenses/personal life? I would think he deserves to have been prepared for the long and short term effects but you might not have felt comfortable discussing this with him due to his financial difficulties or perceived issues managing his own money, at least at the start. Either/or is fine. I just need to understand the situation better.

 

You may not have to take a regular loan depending on what you qualify for. Shop around and see whether you're able to take out a business line of credit (differs from plcs or personal lines of credit and rates might be better). Do you have any income at all coming through? I think you're upset and hurt by your boyfriend's choice of words but don't let that set you back from finding solutions together. You might want to uncover (for your own peace of mind/closure) why he's so resentful towards you. If it's because he wasn't included in the decision to invest in Jan or in your business plans as a couple, you might have some peace-making to do together. This might be a good way to learn from your experiences going forward. Perhaps it's also a good opportunity to re-evaluate expenses for entertainment and come together to save as a couple for your shared future.

 

This is this year. There's next year also. And also the year after that and so on. 1) figure out whether this is an issue of misunderstanding and whether the resentment between both of you can be cleared, 2) think a bit longer term, next year's plan/budgets and possibly, 3) re-evaluate expenses in general and look at shared future/financial goals together. Hope this helps.

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Pardon, I don't think this was covered by the other members yet. Would you please clarify whether you spoke about your business investments as a couple and the effects it would have on your personal expenses/personal life?

.

 

A spin off of this ^

I read that you supported him when he was short and now when things are tight for you, he either isn't willing to reciprocate and if he does he's pretty punishing about it.

 

But no where in your post did you share whether or not you addressed this with him. Did you tell him exactly how you are feeling much like you did with us? And if you did, what was his response?

 

Because unless he's dense, I think it's a very reasonable expectation that your partner support you in the same fashion that you were willing to do so for him.

 

If not, I agree. An impasse, he's dense and needs to go.

Seriously, what is the purpose of having a partner unless you support each other, emotionally and otherwise.?

You could live alone cheaper and not have someone making you feel resentful about inequity in your partnership.

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I'd flat tell him that you expect him to pay 50/50 on everything, and more in the short term if you run out of money. You subsidized him when he was short, if he's not willing to do the same for you then that's very telling. I'd kick him to the curb and see if you can't find a roommate or second job to help with money in the meantime.

 

Sounds like he's perfectly content freeloading on you. I wouldn't go for it.

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I hope OP comes back to fill in the rest of the story.

Something isn't right with me about all this. I'm not sure if it's the expectation here that if you help a partner without making a deal together, they are beholden to you. Or that she was banking on that and made a decision to run dry her finances , expecting that someone else ( him, her parents) will see her through until money comes in. What if there was no partner, no parents, well you'd just find a way to cover your costs right? And I think at 29, it is on you to make sure you've got your own back first.

Also unsettled me how she's looking at ATM receipts and there is this feeling I get where she feels owed as though his money is her money to use as she needs.

If there was a deal that she pay extra on bills and rent in exchange for that money later, sure, he's a jerk to renege.

I just think it's not wise to go into a relationship thinking the other will automatically operate in the same way you do. I think a lot of this is lack of communication early on about what they each expecting from the other in terms of financial handlings.

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I use the term "Disney villain" because I always raise an eyebrow when someone's depiction illustrates someone else as a straight-down-the-line d-bag, yet they're still here asking about it. And especially when it's a one-and-done, it gets me thinking someone wanted to paint a story in a certain light to get some quick and biased validation. That he would "offer" to split rent 50/50 with her really has me wondering. I mean this dude's either got balls so massive they've got their own satellite, or there's something else to her paying more than him going through a rough spot. Maybe as a mutual favor, she comes in and claims the spare room for her business' office but consequently spends more. Or maybe dude really is just that much of an ass. I don't know.

 

Also, it's more than a bit disingenuous to take the fact you covered the dinner check more often than not while your partner couldn't afford it and then categorically include it in with "the bills." Either you both can afford to go out or you can't. If your partner can't but you'd like to and it's worth it to you for them to join you, then you're picking up the bill. So long as it's clear and upfront the other person can't pay, that's fair enough. You don't get to just start a tally from there, though. When my wife was going through residency, she couldn't afford many dinners out at all. I could, and I wanted to go out with her. I understood she couldn't pay. I never went back to the Excel spreadsheet and chalked it up to an extra $200 in household expenses I was disproportionately pitching in. Going out to dinner is a choice, and you can always eat-in for cheaper and go out later to do something that's likewise cheaper, or even free.

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