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Thread: Is he unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

  1. #1
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    Is he unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

    Hi everyone,


    Just looking to obtain another perspective on my situation. I am a 28 yo female living with my 32 yo boyfriend.


    We have been together for 2 years and have lived together for the last 6 months (I moved into a place he was renting). I earned quite a bit more than him, so we split the bills 70/30 with me paying the lion's share. My boyfriend was struggling financially when we met. He never expected anything but I was always happy to pick up the bill if we went for dinner or drinks to try and help him somehow. Since then he is much better and now has a fair amount of money saved.


    I should mention that he does a traditional office job whereas I own my own small business. In January, I decided to change course of operation which meant investing some of my savings into my business. Since January I have been both living from my savings and investing in my business. It paid off as I signed some really big clients in April. The problem however is that I now work on 65 days net payment which means I dont get paid until 65 days after doing the work.


    The last few months of my paying 70% of the bills, investing in the business, etc, all from my savings means that I have not enough money to tide me over until I get my first big payments in August and then September.


    I told my boyfriend that the next two months would be a struggle and he was very rude about it after coming to expect me to pay most of the bills. He said we could split the rent 50/50 but honestly I am on the brink of running out of any money whatsoever.

    If I pay half of the June and July rents and bills, and do grocery shopping, that's all I can afford.

    Every time I go to the supermarket I am adding up dollars and cents because these next two months will be a struggle. It's my birthday next month and I won't be able to afford to do anything. I also can't afford to have a checkup at the dentist.

    Meanwhile my boyfriend is in a good place financially. He left an atm receipt lying on the table and I can see that he has stacked up a lot of savings over the last few months. Despite hearing me say I am struggling, he openly gambles on betting apps right in front of me and says "oh well that's only $50" if he loses.

    I feel really hurt that despite the fact that I helped him a lot in the past and paid his way, he will not help me now. Ironically after September I will be making a lot and having a lot of disposable income but this is a difficult blip.

    I asked if he could cover more of the rent or let me pay him back later for these two months and he got angry and told me he is not responsible for paying for two people. He did our first big grocery shop of the month and after me telling him I am struggling, he kept complaining every time I ate something saying he hoped I was going to bother to do some of the food shopping and not just eat all his things. Honestly this makes me so angry as I historically did all of the food shopping.

    He will make comments about how I should have been better with my money or snidey remarks on how if you want something you pay for it not expect it for free. He makes me feel like I am some freeloader ☹

    I just wish I had a supportive boyfriend who would say "look ive got rent these two months" and just let me contribute to smaller bills or something, or let me give it him in September. Before I moved in he was living here alone anyway!

    I am seriously considering leaving and going to stay with my parents. It's affecting my ability to concentrate on my work now and honestly I will have to take out a small loan or get a credit card to get me from now to August if i stay in his place while he sits with tens of thousands in his account.

  2. #2
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    Lose the bf.

    Damn, you have been supporting this creep for all of this time and he won't step up to the plate. Wow! Did he ever pay you back for supporting him?

    I think you are seeing his true colors. He no longer sees you as his wallet.

    I do not understand why he was not contributing more when his financial situation changed? You should have been more equal in expenses and not allowed him to put it all into savings. You are clearly a part of the problem and enabled this bum to live off of you.

    Move out and dump him! Expect more for yourself and stop supporting men!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-20-2019 at 09:13 PM.

  3. #3
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    Yep, stay with your parents. He's angry he no longer has his human ATM machine available.

    Side note...hope you have learned to never, ever cover a partner's expenses again. Unless you are legally married.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    Leave him and let him learn how to fend for himself.

    When you're in a committed relationship helping with finances when one partner experiences hard times should be what a good partner does.

    I moved in with my husband when we were dating in order to go to university. He paid for the mortgage and food etc while I did my program.

    When I finished I went back to my country and we got married and I sponsored him over as a spouse. For the first 8 months he had no job and had trouble finding one. I obviously paid for everything as he had done for me.

    This guy isn't willing to be a partner but he sure liked having another mom.

    Get rid of him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Ugh, there are just so many people men and women like this these days. Don't bleed over anyone who isn't willing to return the favor. You're learning the hard way that this man is a leech and not a partner. I'm sorry for the wake up call, but it is absolutely time to move on.

  7. #6
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How did he pay the rent before you moved in?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean the dude is either a regular Disney villain by your description, or there's a whole lot we're missing. If this legit is the story, then the answer is obvious to leave tomorrow.

    Regardless, there's a whole lot of goofy **** going on for a couple who's only been together a couple years. He shouldn't have banked on you covering 70% (I'm likewise curious how he paid prior to you moving in). You shouldn't be making brazen business investments relying on being financially supported by someone else. This t1t-for-tat isn't sustainable for a healthy relationship.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I mean the dude is either a regular Disney villain by your description, or there's a whole lot we're missing. If this legit is the story, then the answer is obvious to leave tomorrow.

    Regardless, there's a whole lot of goofy **** going on for a couple who's only been together a couple years. He shouldn't have banked on you covering 70% (I'm likewise curious how he paid prior to you moving in). You shouldn't be making brazen business investments relying on being financially supported by someone else. This t1t-for-tat isn't sustainable for a healthy relationship.
    I think that it a blessing. She has finally woken up to who he is.

    OP, I still cannot comprehend why you allowed him to put money into savings, while you paid the majority?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I have a different take, as you've said he never did expect anything nor ask. It seems you volunteered to pay extra towards rent etc. with an unspoken assumption on your part that he wanted an arrangement like this. Yes, he could/should have spoken up there and then and said he would not accept beyond your share.
    But I think he wasn't in this just to mooch. I think he would have been happy with each of you worrying about your respective shares and keeping it clean and simple.
    Was there ever a discussion about how finances would be handled as a couple?
    Instead of rushing off in anger, I would talk about it first.
    You still may decide this is not for you, but at least you'll have full info of where he is coming from.

    I think I see it this way as I have never been comfy with an arrangement like you wish to have. I stated it fairly upfront though, and of course there are times one person may float the other for a time in order to do something. But that needs to be decided as a couple. If my partner even today, a few years in to living together, spring me with ' oh so since I helped you, now I'm in trouble and need you to help cover me for a few months' without having explicitly telling me that as the terms of him helping me in the first place so I can decide if I want that deal or to decline, I wouldn't like it.

    And if you move home, does that mean your folks will help you? It's just things to think about.

  11. #10
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    He didn’t save “tens of thousands” in 6 months. I’m not buying it. If even “tens” means “twenty” - that’s saving $3,333 a month in the 6 months you’ve been living together. Saving. In after-income tax money. After paying rent, and groceries, and presumably transportation, and I assume he has a phone, etc.

    So - either he makes a lot more than you think he makes... or you are living in an inexpensive tiny place... or “struggling” to him meant he wasn’t saving as much as he wanted to... or...

    I think there is more to this story. The math simply doesn’t add up. Or you are including pension savings or something.

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