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Thread: Is he unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    A spin off of this ^
    I read that you supported him when he was short and now when things are tight for you, he either isn't willing to reciprocate and if he does he's pretty punishing about it.

    But no where in your post did you share whether or not you addressed this with him. Did you tell him exactly how you are feeling much like you did with us? And if you did, what was his response?

    Because unless he's dense, I think it's a very reasonable expectation that your partner support you in the same fashion that you were willing to do so for him.

    If not, I agree. An impasse, he's dense and needs to go.
    Seriously, what is the purpose of having a partner unless you support each other, emotionally and otherwise.?
    You could live alone cheaper and not have someone making you feel resentful about inequity in your partnership.
    Thank you reinvent.
    I know it sounds strange, but we never had any conflicts or stresses in the relationship until lately, so I never saw how he acted when things got tough.

    Honestly just lately its been a stressful period where all I do is work work work. I don't feel that I can sit down with him and say "I'm really struggling with this, and I'm stressed and don't know what the best thing to do is" because by default he just gets furiously angry. It seems impossible to have a rational discussion with him. I tried a few months ago, then decided to try and see how I coped, now trying to speak with him again. I didn't ask him anything by way of changing the bill split at first and he got angry as soon as I started talking about money worries.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I agree that times have changed now and that it's not really like that anymore where the man has to earn more than a woman. I do feel though that if one partner makes significantly less (any gender) and the other partner mostly pays for everything, these situations could arise where one or both people feel resentful. I totally agree though that a partner should act supportive and understanding and OP's partner is definitely not doing that.

    E.g. if one partner went through a hard time and the other was really supportive, then the original partner also needs to be supportive at other times. Here this is not the case because OP basically financially supported her boyfriend for six months and she didn't make a big deal about it. Now that she needs some financial help, he has the money but he is making a really big deal about helping her and yes acting like a d-bag. Especially making comments like "don't eat my food". He is 32 years old, they live together, they are a de facto couple. It's not his food or her food, it's THEIR food. OP paid for a lot of stuff before and HE is kicking up a huge stink that he had to pay for groceries once or twice. Sounds like an immature, stingy person. Also hypocritical because he had no problem leeching off his girlfriend.

    I personally think that this is not the kind of person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but that's just me.

    I would also suggest that in future you don't financially support your partner like this because they become complacent and reliant on it. I understand that not everyone has qualifications or means to get a highly paid job. But if their partner pays for most things then some people just take it for granted and don't want to better themselves.
    Thank you Tiny Dance. I know I've really learned my lesson about supporting someone.

    Honestly I never felt resentful about paying more at first. It's only now where I feel kind of sad at how he's acting after everything I've done for him, and not even being open to a discussion.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Elpida90
    Thanks Rabican, I agree. I just feel sad because outside of finances our relationship was great, though he's furious at any suggestion where the bills are equal or he pays slightly more and barked "we had a deal!" - well it wasn't a deal signed in blood and he should try and empathise.
    He is a parasite and an azzhole. You should have never have put yourself in this situation.

    I cannot believe that this is the first you have seen this behavior. Time to honest with yourself.

    Girl, the bottom line is that he does not, and will not have your back. He is not bf, husband, or father material! You need to find someone who is self sufficient and that you do not have to support. He is upset because his ATM has run out of cash.

  4. #34
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    In all I just feel that he is my boyfriend. We live together and talk about a future together so we should support each other.


    But one person's idea of support is different than another.
    For some "being there" for someone is support,
    Being told that you must contribute a larger amount of money towards bills due to the unilateral business decisions of the other person - no beuno.

    If you make a decision that is going to have that deep effect and you feel you have a "partnership" you not only talk about it as stream of consciousness, but you say "if i do this now, i can't pay the bills and would need you to pay X more. What do you think i should do? Could you/would you do that? The other option are to not invest in my business right now, or we move somewhere more affordable. What are your thoughts"

    But instead, you made the decision and expecting him to step up.

    I feel kind of sad at how he's acting after everything I've done for him,

    Doing something for someone does not mean you can go and collect "favor due" at the exact moment you want.
    You should do something for someone - and not expect anything.
    Suggesting a 70-30 split because you make more = is simply that - the agreement that you decided upon and not "a favor".

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    In all I just feel that he is my boyfriend. We live together and talk about a future together so we should support each other.


    But one person's idea of support is different than another.
    For some "being there" for someone is support,
    Being told that you must contribute a larger amount of money towards bills due to the unilateral business decisions of the other person - no beuno.

    If you make a decision that is going to have that deep effect and you feel you have a "partnership" you not only talk about it as stream of consciousness, but you say "if i do this now, i can't pay the bills and would need you to pay X more. What do you think i should do? Could you/would you do that? The other option are to not invest in my business right now, or we move somewhere more affordable. What are your thoughts"

    But instead, you made the decision and expecting him to step up.

    I feel kind of sad at how he's acting after everything I've done for him,

    Doing something for someone does not mean you can go and collect "favor due" at the exact moment you want.
    You should do something for someone - and not expect anything.
    Suggesting a 70-30 split because you make more = is simply that - the agreement that you decided upon and not "a favor".
    Strongly disagree. I moved into his place and he was paying 100% of the bills before I arrived. He implied his financial situation was worse than it was/is.

    70% is not something signed in blood. Not sure why you are saying no bueno and being so rude and patronising.

    70% is okay when someone makes significantly more. When that someone says hey I can't afford to do that, can we go 50/50 they are not suggesting something outrageous. Since situations changed, 70/30 is not something agreed forever and eternity.
    Its not that I blew all my money on a poor business decison and said "sh*t you need to pay now". If you bothered to read my responses you would see that.

    As mentioned I raised my concerns about our arrangement several times and was met with anger. As I said he was also paying 100% before me. Now I've noticed hes saving money each month from me paying the bills while im in a period where I'm struggling to support two people, surely the arrangement should be addressed.

    FYI we live in an inexpensive one bedroom apartment not a big house that is only feasible based on a higher salary.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Elpida90
    Strongly disagree. I moved into his place and he was paying 100% of the bills before I arrived. He implied his financial situation was worse than it was/is.

    70% is not something signed in blood. Not sure why you are saying no bueno and being so rude and patronising.

    70% is okay when someone makes significantly more. When that someone says hey I can't afford to do that, can we go 50/50 they are not suggesting something outrageous. Since situations changed, 70/30 is not something agreed forever and eternity.
    Its not that I blew all my money on a poor business decison and said "sh*t you need to pay now". If you bothered to read my responses you would see that.

    As mentioned I raised my concerns about our arrangement several times and was met with anger. As I said he was also paying 100% before me. Now I've noticed hes saving money each month from me paying the bills while im in a period where I'm struggling to support two people, surely the arrangement should be addressed.

    FYI we live in an inexpensive one bedroom apartment not a big house that is only feasible based on a higher salary.
    How was he able to pay his bills before you came along? Why would you agree to this arrangement it had not been a problem in the past? Did you always pay his way when going out?

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    In all I just feel that he is my boyfriend. We live together and talk about a future together so we should support each other.


    But one person's idea of support is different than another.
    For some "being there" for someone is support,
    Being told that you must contribute a larger amount of money towards bills due to the unilateral business decisions of the other person - no beuno.

    If you make a decision that is going to have that deep effect and you feel you have a "partnership" you not only talk about it as stream of consciousness, but you say "if i do this now, i can't pay the bills and would need you to pay X more. What do you think i should do? Could you/would you do that? The other option are to not invest in my business right now, or we move somewhere more affordable. What are your thoughts"

    But instead, you made the decision and expecting him to step up.

    I feel kind of sad at how he's acting after everything I've done for him,

    Doing something for someone does not mean you can go and collect "favor due" at the exact moment you want.
    You should do something for someone - and not expect anything.
    Suggesting a 70-30 split because you make more = is simply that - the agreement that you decided upon and not "a favor".
    And again, if you bothered to read what I wrote rather than twisting it and being rude, by "support" I also mean emotional support. I tried to raise this with him a few times and he got angry, so I tried to continue on as best as I could. I am in a position where I can't even share my problems and worried with my partner.

    At the very least he could sit down with me and talk about it all, or offer an ear to everything, not get furious and refuse to acknowledge my problems. We are a couple that is living together. He should be supportive in an emotional sense.

  9. #38
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    Also, his expenses were reduced the moment you moved in, if the you had done the 50/50. It does not matter that you are earning more, his expenses were still less at an equal arrangement. You should never agreed this arrangement, as you were not living in a more expensive place.

    I'm assuming at the 70/30 split you were still paying for the social aspect of the relationship (dinners, movies etc), while he squirreled away his money. This was a really good deal for him.

    I am sorry, but you were a real sucker to fall for all of this!

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How was he able to pay his bills before you came along? Why would you agree to this arrangement it had not been a problem in the past? Did you always pay his way when going out?
    Hi Holly,
    I realise in hindsight how stupid it sounds.
    At first we lived separately and only moved in together when the lease was up on my last apartment.

    He had a sports injury and had to keep paying out for surgery, so he positioned it that he was really struggling to make ends meet. As I mentioned, he'd act very upset and stressed when a bill came up and always make comments about how his wages couldn't cover everything. In the beginning our outings were 50/50 but because he seemed so upset, I tried to be helpful by paying.

    I agreed to the 70/30 at first but he wasnt open to discussing it ever and felt entitled to that arrangement. I tried to bring it up in the past but dropped it when he got angry in a way of seeing how things would go, and not wanting to get into huge arguments.

  11. #40
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    You are an intelligent woman, do not ever fall for this again. He sounds ike some sort of con artist. he should be ashamed for his behavior. He is also very manipulative.

    Now you. You deserve a hell of a lot more than this crap. Drop the dead weight, and find someone that can contribute an equal amount and not leech off of you.

    Go to your parents until you get things worked out. Then, you can find a place on your own.

    Forget about this creep!

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