Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 48

Thread: Is he unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,598
    Gender
    Female
    Pardon, I don't think this was covered by the other members yet. Would you please clarify whether you spoke about your business investments as a couple and the effects it would have on your personal expenses/personal life? I would think he deserves to have been prepared for the long and short term effects but you might not have felt comfortable discussing this with him due to his financial difficulties or perceived issues managing his own money, at least at the start. Either/or is fine. I just need to understand the situation better.

    You may not have to take a regular loan depending on what you qualify for. Shop around and see whether you're able to take out a business line of credit (differs from plcs or personal lines of credit and rates might be better). Do you have any income at all coming through? I think you're upset and hurt by your boyfriend's choice of words but don't let that set you back from finding solutions together. You might want to uncover (for your own peace of mind/closure) why he's so resentful towards you. If it's because he wasn't included in the decision to invest in Jan or in your business plans as a couple, you might have some peace-making to do together. This might be a good way to learn from your experiences going forward. Perhaps it's also a good opportunity to re-evaluate expenses for entertainment and come together to save as a couple for your shared future.

    This is this year. There's next year also. And also the year after that and so on. 1) figure out whether this is an issue of misunderstanding and whether the resentment between both of you can be cleared, 2) think a bit longer term, next year's plan/budgets and possibly, 3) re-evaluate expenses in general and look at shared future/financial goals together. Hope this helps.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,056
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Pardon, I don't think this was covered by the other members yet. Would you please clarify whether you spoke about your business investments as a couple and the effects it would have on your personal expenses/personal life?
    .
    A spin off of this ^
    I read that you supported him when he was short and now when things are tight for you, he either isn't willing to reciprocate and if he does he's pretty punishing about it.

    But no where in your post did you share whether or not you addressed this with him. Did you tell him exactly how you are feeling much like you did with us? And if you did, what was his response?

    Because unless he's dense, I think it's a very reasonable expectation that your partner support you in the same fashion that you were willing to do so for him.

    If not, I agree. An impasse, he's dense and needs to go.
    Seriously, what is the purpose of having a partner unless you support each other, emotionally and otherwise.?
    You could live alone cheaper and not have someone making you feel resentful about inequity in your partnership.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    FL
    Age
    39
    Posts
    2,237
    Gender
    Male
    I'd flat tell him that you expect him to pay 50/50 on everything, and more in the short term if you run out of money. You subsidized him when he was short, if he's not willing to do the same for you then that's very telling. I'd kick him to the curb and see if you can't find a roommate or second job to help with money in the meantime.

    Sounds like he's perfectly content freeloading on you. I wouldn't go for it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,270
    I hope OP comes back to fill in the rest of the story.
    Something isn't right with me about all this. I'm not sure if it's the expectation here that if you help a partner without making a deal together, they are beholden to you. Or that she was banking on that and made a decision to run dry her finances , expecting that someone else ( him, her parents) will see her through until money comes in. What if there was no partner, no parents, well you'd just find a way to cover your costs right? And I think at 29, it is on you to make sure you've got your own back first.
    Also unsettled me how she's looking at ATM receipts and there is this feeling I get where she feels owed as though his money is her money to use as she needs.
    If there was a deal that she pay extra on bills and rent in exchange for that money later, sure, he's a jerk to renege.
    I just think it's not wise to go into a relationship thinking the other will automatically operate in the same way you do. I think a lot of this is lack of communication early on about what they each expecting from the other in terms of financial handlings.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,356
    I use the term "Disney villain" because I always raise an eyebrow when someone's depiction illustrates someone else as a straight-down-the-line d-bag, yet they're still here asking about it. And especially when it's a one-and-done, it gets me thinking someone wanted to paint a story in a certain light to get some quick and biased validation. That he would "offer" to split rent 50/50 with her really has me wondering. I mean this dude's either got balls so massive they've got their own satellite, or there's something else to her paying more than him going through a rough spot. Maybe as a mutual favor, she comes in and claims the spare room for her business' office but consequently spends more. Or maybe dude really is just that much of an ass. I don't know.

    Also, it's more than a bit disingenuous to take the fact you covered the dinner check more often than not while your partner couldn't afford it and then categorically include it in with "the bills." Either you both can afford to go out or you can't. If your partner can't but you'd like to and it's worth it to you for them to join you, then you're picking up the bill. So long as it's clear and upfront the other person can't pay, that's fair enough. You don't get to just start a tally from there, though. When my wife was going through residency, she couldn't afford many dinners out at all. I could, and I wanted to go out with her. I understood she couldn't pay. I never went back to the Excel spreadsheet and chalked it up to an extra $200 in household expenses I was disproportionately pitching in. Going out to dinner is a choice, and you can always eat-in for cheaper and go out later to do something that's likewise cheaper, or even free.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,566
    Originally Posted by j.man

    And especially when it's a one-and-done, it gets me thinking someone wanted to paint a story in a certain light to get some quick and biased validation.
    Yup, totally agree.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,531
    Gender
    Female
    I agree that times have changed now and that it's not really like that anymore where the man has to earn more than a woman. I do feel though that if one partner makes significantly less (any gender) and the other partner mostly pays for everything, these situations could arise where one or both people feel resentful. I totally agree though that a partner should act supportive and understanding and OP's partner is definitely not doing that.

    E.g. if one partner went through a hard time and the other was really supportive, then the original partner also needs to be supportive at other times. Here this is not the case because OP basically financially supported her boyfriend for six months and she didn't make a big deal about it. Now that she needs some financial help, he has the money but he is making a really big deal about helping her and yes acting like a d-bag. Especially making comments like "don't eat my food". He is 32 years old, they live together, they are a de facto couple. It's not his food or her food, it's THEIR food. OP paid for a lot of stuff before and HE is kicking up a huge stink that he had to pay for groceries once or twice. Sounds like an immature, stingy person. Also hypocritical because he had no problem leeching off his girlfriend.

    I personally think that this is not the kind of person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but that's just me.

    I would also suggest that in future you don't financially support your partner like this because they become complacent and reliant on it. I understand that not everyone has qualifications or means to get a highly paid job. But if their partner pays for most things then some people just take it for granted and don't want to better themselves.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    18
    I didn't come back here and reply sooner because for one thing I'm trying to decide what to do in my situation for the best, and for the other, I was quite surprised how rude and accusatory some of the comments were.

    People posting on here are clearly seeking help and perspective, not trying to paint someone as "villainous" or whatever else - what would I have to gain from doing that to online strangers?

    In any case I believe that yes he perhaps was exaggerating about how much he was struggling.

    I never kept tallies of what I paid and when and held it over his head as someone suggested. That's what makes me sad - I wanted his company and he always made it seem that he was struggling and upset and so I assumed that someone would not play their romantic partners in this way.

    Perhaps yes I'm stupid for always picking up the bill and supporting him. Lesson learned I suppose.

    Honestly he painted himself as someone who barely had two cents to rub together. He was always telling me about his medical bills, or when something came up like maintenance for his car or whatever, he'd act very upset. I never paid for these things but always felt worried for him and now I feel foolish.

    It's not that I made brazen investments in my business either, nor did I expect "someone else" to fund me. I grew up very working class so there has never been "someone else". The work that I do is actually digital marketing/SEO consulting.

    In all I just feel that he is my boyfriend. We live together and talk about a future together so we should support each other.

    It's not that I feel entitled to his money, but I'd never let my partner struggle on by when they had done so much for me. I'm not even meaning for him to give money, just cover a bigger percentage of the July and August bills, even if I give money back later.

    I first bought this up a few months ago and said I was worried, but at least I had savings. He knew my situation and got quite snappy saying "we had an agreement" about the bill split. I guess in a way I was too proud and embarassed to talk about it again, and thought I'd be able to make it through the next few months.

    Its only now that i bought it up again and he got so angry about it. It's the lack of emotional support too. I guess I never noticed it when things were going smoothly but I don't feel that I can sit and talk to him about feeling stressed and worried about finances, the challenges of my work, etc. Obviously I don't expect to lean on him for everything but it would be nice to feel like I wasn't alone in it all and to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

  10. #29
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I hope OP comes back to fill in the rest of the story.
    Something isn't right with me about all this. I'm not sure if it's the expectation here that if you help a partner without making a deal together, they are beholden to you. Or that she was banking on that and made a decision to run dry her finances , expecting that someone else ( him, her parents) will see her through until money comes in. What if there was no partner, no parents, well you'd just find a way to cover your costs right? And I think at 29, it is on you to make sure you've got your own back first.
    Also unsettled me how she's looking at ATM receipts and there is this feeling I get where she feels owed as though his money is her money to use as she needs.
    If there was a deal that she pay extra on bills and rent in exchange for that money later, sure, he's a jerk to renege.
    I just think it's not wise to go into a relationship thinking the other will automatically operate in the same way you do. I think a lot of this is lack of communication early on about what they each expecting from the other in terms of financial handlings.
    Your tone comes across very patronising.

    I'm not expecting my bf or my parents to bail me out, I'm expecting to be in a relationship where we support each other with problems - financial and otherwise, even if just to have a discussion and set it all out on the table and come to resolutions together.

    I'm not snooping through ATM receipts, he literally left one out on the kitchen counter, and I literally thought to myself , is this the account of my struggling boyfriend who is always upset about money.

    I don't feel entitled to his money, though I do feel entitled to have someone who is honest about his situation

  11. #30
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by Rabican
    I'd flat tell him that you expect him to pay 50/50 on everything, and more in the short term if you run out of money. You subsidized him when he was short, if he's not willing to do the same for you then that's very telling. I'd kick him to the curb and see if you can't find a roommate or second job to help with money in the meantime.

    Sounds like he's perfectly content freeloading on you. I wouldn't go for it.
    Thanks Rabican, I agree. I just feel sad because outside of finances our relationship was great, though he's furious at any suggestion where the bills are equal or he pays slightly more and barked "we had a deal!" - well it wasn't a deal signed in blood and he should try and empathise.

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •