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Thread: Betrayed by group of 20 friends: forgive or leave?

  1. #11
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    OK, this may not be as bad as you've built it up in your mind. More people are accepting than in the past. My own son is gay and got so stressed out about telling me or not that when he came out to me he did it in a text message. He'd convinced himself that would freak out or judge him and never speak to him again b because of his orientation.

    All based on whiff!

    I accept my son as he is and support him as best I can.

    Maybe your friends are feeling awkward around you, or they are waiting for you to just be as you are and not judge them for having heard what you revealed to one person in the group.

    I seriously doubt your friends are going to drop you as a friend after such a long time. One caveat: that may change if you pursue unrequited romance within the group.

    Hang in there.

  2. #12
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    Honestly, i would avoid 2 am confessions. If someone asks me something I don't care to talk about just then, I would have said "oh. Why do you ask that?"
    I mean, if you were not "out" - no one has the right to out you. Of course, that ship has sailed.

    (Not in response to your reply but in general) People typically think that men going as far as to date a man, must be at least bi or probably gay. I find this such a limited and unfair perspective on men.


    Um...yes, a man who goes as far as to "date" another man is not straight. No straight man goes on a date with another man. I actually can't believe that's a serious statement.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, i would avoid 2 am confessions. If someone asks me something I don't care to talk about just then, I would have said "oh. Why do you ask that?"
    I mean, if you were not "out" - no one has the right to out you. Of course, that ship has sailed.

    (Not in response to your reply but in general) People typically think that men going as far as to date a man, must be at least bi or probably gay. I find this such a limited and unfair perspective on men.


    Um...yes, a man who goes as far as to "date" another man is not straight. No straight man goes on a date with another man. I actually can't believe that's a serious statement.
    I think OP is referring to the fact that women often experiment in "harmless" and "casual" ways without being labeled. I've actually been sexually involved with women in the past (only for one night events) and pretty much consider myself straight (definitely totally straight in regards to romantic involvement) and no one bats an eye. I no longer wish to experiment with women and no one is expecting me to label myself as bisexual or lesbian based on a few fun but ultimately unimportant past experiments. It's a double standard.

    OP, I think you're upset because you were figuring yourself out and didn't want the pressure of a group and their opinions while you did so. I'm sorry you confided in the wrong person. However, I encourage you to continue socializing with them and remaining open while you define yourself. It's okay if you still don't know what to call yourself, but if you are aware you don't want to be labeled a certain way, make that clear! If they are your friends they will respect it. If they don't, then maybe it really is time to move on from this social circle.

  4. #14
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    I just realized you posted about this in late November 2018. Does that change my earlier reply? No. It is in your best interest to let go of the past. Don't let it dictate who you are.

    Sometimes people do stuff that hurt us. It really stings. The worst part is we'll never know why they acted the way they did since we are not them. But the courageous part is to forgive those that hurt us. Getting upset is easy, but it takes a courageous heart to forgive.


    Originally Posted by manu85
    Hi,
    I am a 33 year old bisexual male. Since the age of 14-15 I've had a great group of about 15-20 very close highschool friends.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks for explaining earlier. I understand your fluidity and actually agree with you. In my neck of the words, despite Vancouver being Vancouver on the west coast, there's still a lot of passive aggression for gender and sexual fluidity. Over the years though I don't think people appreciate behaviours or views that are wishy washy either or neither here nor there. I feel like you're still in a very new and experimental stage and that's fine. You're right that people will want to categorize you because in order to understand you they''ll first have to associate you with something familiar. Unfamiliarity often generates fear which often leads to hostility, condemnation/persecution and isolation. That's just how the world works. You are entitled to keep your sexuality private but sooner or later you'll have to come to terms with whatever you are and whatever you choose to represent regardless of the myriad of colours you really are underneath.

    I identify as an ally for the gender fluid and transgendered community. You get to choose what you wish to represent and what values and beliefs you want to have in your lifetime. You should take as long as you need. It's for that reason that I mentioned it's your call whether you want to go to the September gathering. It will mean you're either ready to represent yourself (your chosen self and truest self amidst those colours) and what your beliefs are or it may also mean that you need a little more time to develop your layers and that's perfectly fine. When you're ready to fly, trust me, you absolutely will. All in good time. Take as long as you need to grow.

  7. #16
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    How often do you see these people?

    Have you been expanding your friend circle?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by manu85
    @Rose Mosse: thanks for your reply, you make some good points. I do realize expecting people to keep secrets like these at some point becomes unrealistic, but I do think I could have expected a better job than having your lifetime friends gossip after weeks about something they knew had been a personal struggle for 10+ years. I did shy away from the reality of my sexuality but being pushed into saying goodbye to my straight identity and the disadvantages that come alon with that rather than having been given the choice, wasn't a solution either.

    (Not in response to your reply but in general) People typically think that men going as far as to date a man, must be at least bi or probably gay. I find this such a limited and unfair perspective on men. It gives such little opening to men being truly able to have genuine straight attraction but to also feel genuinely attracted to some men, even only in a physical way. This is exactly why 80 % of the bi men stay in the closet, because their straight side is usually annihilated and their chances with women ruined. This needs to change if we want bisexual and other non-straight men to feel comfortable in their skin and accepted by society and by women as actually interesting and valid possible partners and mates so these men don't have to feel the need to resort to repressing their bi-feelings and adopt a fake 100 % straight image just in order to be accepted by women as partners. Society still needs to come to terms and accept more fluid variations of sexuality. And yes, people (women and men) have the right to prefer traditionality and marry strictly straight or strictly gay people neatly belonging to known categories, but should at least try to open their minds to alternative options and not give in to fear of the unknown, even if only for the sake of those (many!) of us who do not feel into neat categories.

    Btw I almost forgot to answer your question: I don't like to label myself as I have found my sexuality is fluid and there s always a side to any label that just misleads peolle and that leads to me feeling frustrated about what they don't percieve correctly imo. Usually mostly straight feels like the best fit, but 2 years ago bisexual would feel like the best fit.
    Sorry, but straight men do not get physical with other men. Accept who you are.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You came out to several of them and that's ok. Accept yourself.

  10. #19
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    Why donít you try meeting new friends in the new country? I live abroad too, I know itís hard to rebuild your social circle, but social media make it so much easier. You can join a local group on Facebook, and start from there. I think you rely too much on this group of friends, itís time to make new friends. If thereís a language barrier, learn the language so you donít feel isolated.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Holding grudges harms ourselves rather than the intended target.

    Chances are that nobody is nearly as invested in your sexuality as you've imagined them to be. You've opted to spread your own secret to numerous people. So why continue to consider it a secret?

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