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Thread: Questioning One's Own Relationship

  1. #1
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    Questioning One's Own Relationship

    Hey guys, I am a bit troubled by something I just read and wanted to get your thoughts about it.

    I just finished reading and responding to the thread from a woman who just discovered her boyfriend of three years was engaging in sexual messaging and possible sexual activity with other women during their entire three year relationship and prior.

    Prior to discovering this (she didn't snoop, apparently a woman he had been sexting with messaged her), she had no clue and thought everything was fine!

    Anyway, not sure why but I am very troubled by this, and it's making me wonder about my own boyfriend now!

    I have no reason to believe he's doing anything even remotely related to this and trust him with all my heart, but so did the women posting!

    And then there are all these true story documentaries I watch and read about, discussing women who also trusted their boyfriends/husbands and thought everything was fine, but then discovered their bf's were living some sort of double life, all related to having relations with other women.

    "Dirty John" was a true story I watched not too long ago about this very thing. Gawd, that was super troubling!

    Anyway, my questions are (1) what to do with these troubling thoughts, and (2) is anyone else ever bothered by what they read on message forums and other social media, and if so, does it carry over into your current relationship, causing you to doubt?

    I also question it a little bit, because I was so in love with my ex, I lived in sort of a never-never land for many years, believing we were madly in love and everything was perfect (we were even planning our wedding), only to discover he was a serious drug addict during most, if not all, of our relationship.

    I tend to be a very anxious person in general, I do manage it well by doing Yoga, running, eating right, etc but can't seem to shake these thoughts sometimes.

    Any advice about this would be very much appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I guess it's one of those moments where you ask yourself is there any truth to any of this? Is there anything remotely off that you can put your finger on?

    I'll bet if you were ask the poster you referred to the same thing, she'd probably respond with something, that in hindsight she dismissed.

    You can't live in fear of `what if's'

    You are smart enough to know how to take care of yourself and act on your own behalf. Getting jitters once in a great while is ok and to be expected. Just shake it off and find some comfort knowing that you aren't so easily fooled and it's ok to take your pulse once in while.

    Check, check. Now shake it off.

    *remind yourself that this forum is not a snapshot of the general consensus, but rather people that come with here with their troubles and craziness. Us included :)
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 06-20-2019 at 04:22 PM.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I can't imagine that I would be in a relationship with someone and not know that there was even a tiny disconnect between us. When a man loves you, he behaves in a certain way that demonstrates affection, loyalty, admiration, and joy in your presence.

    I'd like to think that you can't fake that sort of thing. Too many women, I think, involve themselves in relationships that aren't not 100% committed, and they are content to continue until they discover that there are outside influences.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Just disabuse your mind of it. The more your ponder the worse it is .

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This might be a bit off-sounding but not meant to be. What I'm trying to say is not feeling comfortable all the time might not be a bad thing. You should understand that life can change and good people can change with it. Not everything is certain. Only change is. I am married now but I can't tell you if things will always go well in the same way I can't tell you when I'm going to kick the bucket or when our time to go is. We can't always be sure about everything and that's the one thing you'll have to embrace or learn to with some grace. It comes with accepting that we can't control everything.

    What you can do is focus more on what you have with your partner rather than what you might not have. If you have a good bond (trust each other), focus on that. Leave everything else to the universe because you have to accept that there's a lot out of your hands and many things that you cannot predict or change. Yes, I know this sounds kooky but from one anxious person to another, this just my two cents. You're a great person, Katrina. I think any man would be lucky to have you in his life.

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    This is what my mother called "borrowing trouble".

    What if, what if. What if you walk out your front door and an anvil falls on your head? Should you refuse to leave home? What if the pastries you bought are infected with botulism? Should you stop eating?

    Living your life in fear is no life at all.

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    Thanks guys, and thank you Rose, your comment about me being a great person and my bf is lucky to have me was a very nice (and comforting thing to say). xx

    I know it's just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head; my bf and I have started discussing moving in together, perhaps someday having a child; I'm beginning to feel very attached to him emotionally and I suppose it's all just making me a bit nervous. Taking that next serious step.

    @reinvent, I think you're right about that other poster knowing or at least suspecting something may have been amiss, I mean even with my ex, in retrospect, I knew something wasn't quite right but buried my head about it.

    With my current bf, I honestly can't say I suspect anything untoward going on, so somehow I will just have to manage these anxious thoughts when they arise and deal.

    It's still troubling though, reading about these things, even if they're happening to others and not me.

    My heart really breaks for them sometimes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I guess it's one of those moments where you ask yourself is there any truth to any of this? Is there anything remotely off that you can put your finger on?

    I'll bet if you were ask the poster you referred to the same thing, she'd probably respond with something, that in hindsight she dismissed.
    Yes to this. I hear so many on here say "our relationship was perfect" or "when it's good it's really good"... meanwhile completely dismissing things that are actually happening, anything from a little off to completely insane. Saw it twice just today. And did it myself when I was married. We see what we want to see and many people will hide or dismiss what they don't hoping they are wrong or that it will go away on it's own.

    Point is... we should always have our eyes open, but that doesn't mean we need to manifest the worst case scenario as our reality. If there is something off, question it... otherwise let that mindset go and don't dwell on it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    And I need to add this... we should always question our relationships. Question whether we are treating them the way we would want to be treated... whether we are doing what we need to do to maintain a loving foundation... whether we are reciprocating, communicating, initiating, and whether we are getting the same in return. My biggest mistake was always letting things stagnate and taking my relationship for granted. My bf and I talked about this last night... relationship goal 105: keep doing what we are doing now after the honeymoon phase wears off... dating, talking, being intimate, being physical, being spontaneous, because we both desire a healthy and strong relationship.

  11. #10
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    Maybe it is good to give up true crime and reality TV if it works you up.

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