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Thread: Questioning One's Own Relationship

  1. #81
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Which brings us back to the conversation at hand. Only you can say, K, if this is the sort of thing that appeals to you as something to "plough through," be it the appeal of teaching your boyfriend to be more self-accepting or the appeal of proving to yourself that you can be committed through thick and thin. Just make sure you're operating from the story as it's playing out, that you're writing together, and not a story you're writing in your own imagination. I think anxiety is often the result of the real story not matching the one in our heads—and that therapy, which you sound interested in, can be really helpful in learning to see those two things clearly so we can make clearer choices.
    That was a great post blue, but wanted to copy the above quote as it's especially relevant.

    To clarify, I don't really feel I am teaching him anything per se, more to the point, we are both teaching "each other," learning from each other as we plough through these sometimes choppy waters.

    With respect to him withholding that he was previously married, not justifying it, it was wrong for sure, but he didn't realize it was wrong at the time as dysfunctional as that sounds.

    He had not yet developed the necessary trust that would allow him to feel comfortable sharing that with me. Others may not understand this, but I do.

    Without disclosing too much, his relationships prior to me had been cold and emotionally distant. His marriage was definitely cold and distant, and his relationship before me was with a body-builder (female) and their relationship focused mostly on that, as he was into that too at the time. That was the extent of their bond.

    With me, we had some minor bumps along the way, due to two semi-damaged people attempting to come together. But we are learning together, growing together, healing together as odd as that might sound to some. And now have finally developed the mutual trust to be more open and share.

    It goes back to what you posted blue, it took some time but we are both learning what it feels like to be accepted by someone, that neither of us needs to edit ourselves or hide from ourselves to be loved. Or as I used to refer to it, and even created a thread about a few years back - pretending to be someone or something we are not.

    He did not feel that from me back then, nor did I from him.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So Kat, first things first, I have not read this whole thread, I read the first page and kinda glanced at everything else. You, bat and blue appeared to be vibing so I kinda didn’t bother with the post, your response to Irka on her post prompted me to see what she wrote, that’s when I responded yesterday... so yeah I’m rambling... anway, Im telling you this because my response is coming from the sidelines, I haven’t been watching closely so bear with me.

    Look at Irkas response to you:

    Originally Posted by irka000
    Katrina, you are truly special woman and helped so many people on here..... Like someone already mentioned, your man is lucky to have you. Enjoy it....
    As you may recall I am full of anxiety....however I recently absorbed a short but powerful book that helped me immensely. I feel more free than ever before....my mind is free....I refuse to overthinking and believe in my stories I create on regular basis.
    Please read Don Miguel Ruiz work and it should blow your mind....some things are obvious and we all know about it ....some are obvious but we are blind to them.
    My mind was full of the thoughts you shared in your post.....now when they try to enter my mind ,I deal with them accordingly...and I am so much lighter....
    As you always say, trust in the connection you have with your man....
    After all, it's really not easy to click with someone....you can be attracted but very often it is temporary.
    Trust but also aware as Wiseman so rightly pointed out but most importantly enjoy it :)
    Look at what she wrote...

    The bold sounds very much like your verbiage.

    I mean absolutely no disrespect sometimes it can be a bit overkill, I mean a poster can be like:

    “Hey guys should I eat jiffy peanut butter?”

    And you’ll respond:

    “Yes jiffy is my favorite, my boyfriend doesn’t like it and we’ve never been happier! 1.75 years together!”

    Im exaggerating obviously but seriously only a little. I didn’t notice it at first, it wasn’t until after your last post about your doubts, where you kinda admitted to well overcompensating and there were well normal relationship issues that arise going on, they were worked through, awesome/great, you almost immediately jumped back to doing it again...

    I’m reminded of posters who have 3 posts, a year ago and come back to the heartbreak board to post their amazing updates... which are 9 times out of 10 rebound stories, or as I was saying look at irkas post. 32 seconds after writing that she’s got a new post which proves she’s in the exact same headspace burdening her boyfriend and lord knows who else with her anxiety, but look at what she wrote...

    OVERCOMPENSATION.

    Now I’m not saying your relationship isn’t strong or that you don’t love one another or any of that.

    I’m saying, to me, it seems, something in you seems to make you feel the need to project perfection when nobodies even looking.

    What are you overcompensating for?

  3. #83
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    I am not sure FIO, but I actually caught myself doing it as well..

    I did same thing w my ex (the long term ex), I was not a member here at that time but goodness gracious, the way I posted about him and our relationship, one would think our love story was akin to something Shakespeare would write.

    When the reality was it was anything but. Did same thing with my dad, when younger and even into my 20s.

    My emotions are literally all over the place, which is why I have decided to seek infividual therapy. To figure it out.

    But if I had to guess, I compensate because when I love a man, really love him, I live in a sort of never-never land because living in a real relationship where there are problems and issues threatening the relationship is to painful, so I catapult myself into a sort of denial about them.

    With my current, I find myself breaking away from that, but then I revert back.

    But i am aware of it, so that's a step. Hopefully, a good qualified therapist will help me break all the way through.

    You admit to not having read the entire thread, so you may not have read this, but with respect to my posts to others, I admit to feeling like a bit of a hypocrite sometimes, if only I could apply what I post to others, to my own relationship(s).

    But I am beginning to have a breakthrough so that's a positive.

    Thanks FIO for calling me on that. As I said, I noticed myself doing it too, was hoping no one else did, but you did, not a huge surprise.

    Hope that makes sense, as I said, my emotions are all over the place right now.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-25-2019 at 10:26 AM.

  4. #84
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    To add, this need for perfection, it's not limited to only relationships.

    Ever since I was a young girl, I have had this need to be "perfect."

    In school, I had to get straight As, my parents didn't even expect it, I expected it of myself.

    I struggled with a serious eating disorder (have posted about this) because of my need to have the "perfect" body.

    My job, no mistakes, ever! And when I do, I beat myself up bad. My bosses rarely critiitize because they know I am my worst critique, and will learn from it.

    My apt, everything needs to look and be perfect.

    Even my posts on this forum need to be perfect. You probably have not noticed but if there is so much as a comma missing or a word misspelled, I will go back and edit. If it's too late, I'm like ugh.

    I mean come on Kat, who cares? I guess I do.

    My family, my friends, my boyfriends all tell me, it's okay! You don't need to be perfect all the time! I will still love you!

    On the forum before ENA, there was one poster who called me out, asking me why this need to project perfection just like you did FIO.

    I denied it because I was not as self-aware back then.

    But I am more self-aware now, and feel like I am breaking through.

    Hopefully, again, with the help of a therapist, I will get there all the way.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-25-2019 at 11:36 AM.

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  6. #85
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    I was abused as a child and the only thing I could "control" was myself and my own environment.

    What cured me of that was 1) serious health issues. I viewed these as my own body betraying me, and I COULD NOT DO A THING ABOUT IT! I could get hysterical about it, or I could accept it. 2) I ask myself "what would happen if there's a cushion out of place, or a picture that's not hung perfectly straight, or the trash isn't taken out immediately? Famine? Apocalypse? Asteroid smashing into Earth?" Of course not!

    I did notice that you tend to portray your relationship as being the Best! Relationship! Eva! and your "wonderful connection!!!111" and I too thought you were overcompensating. Trying too hard to convince who? Us? Yourself?

    I think this thread was an awesome idea. I mean, you started out on a kind of different topic but it's evolved so much. I think you like to explore yourself and your feelings and motivations, and this is a great platform to do so.

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