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Thread: Lies

  1. #1
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    Lies

    For some background, I've been dating my bf since February. After he asked me to be his gf, we did not necessarily establish exclusivity. We were both open to non-monogamy, but I never stated that. I was still undecided on my end, but it wasn't much of a concern for me at the time. He never told me he was sleeping with other people when I became his gf. One of them was a woman who is positive for a couple of STDs. Upon this knowledge, I accepted the facts and had both of us get initial testing. This wasn't too big of a deal to me at first. There wasn't an agreement, so I can't say it was cheating. Otherwise, this would be different.

    The issue is he unfortunately lied to me about when he slept with that woman, which was a couple of weeks before telling me the news. He didn't come out with this information on his own, I had to pry when what he was telling me wasn't adding up. At first, he said it was before we were official, but that was not true and it was actually afterwards. This information concerning the timeline was important to tell my physician, who asked me these questions. One STD can lead to very serious health concerns. The jist was, he lied because he said I make him nervous? He wasn't sure. He said he had a few drunken mess ups.

    While I didn't expect exclusivity, I expected honesty as my current bf. Instead he lied about the timeframes and was avoidant with my relevant questions concerning the situation. I don't know how to feel, only that I'm uneasy now about the lie and I want it to go away. How would y'all react to this situation? How do I proceed? How do I make this uneasiness go away?

  2. #2
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    How to make the uneasiness go away?

    Make him go away.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. It's fine to be open minded, but when this much nebulousness could lead to health concerns it should be game-over. No matter what stage things are at with someone there's never a place for deceit and "i was drunk" excuses.
    Originally Posted by loyal
    How to make the uneasiness go away? Make him go away.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He's having sex with you and with another woman(men) that have known STD's and he's lying to you about the timeline and details. Do you really need others to tell you how you should feel, how we would react, how you should proceed?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    His lie benefited him, but put you at risk. He deflected responsibility for lying by saying you made him nervous? A sign of good character is telling the truth even when it's a difficult thing to do.
    Is this someone you want to bet your future on?

    At the same time, we here are always so quick to say `hang em!'

    Only you two will know if this is a one time error that you can overcome. That will be a very personal choice.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Hold on.. Are you ok or not ok with non-monogamy? Are you both exclusive at all now? You never were explicit about that even towards the end of your write up. It sounds like you're in a lot of denial and you aren't very in touch with yourself (aren't sure of yourself). This is never a good sign as it will create problems in relationships. If you don't know where your limitations lie, you will not know how to conduct yourself in a relationship and will often find yourself in situations you can't explain (perpetual confusion). That uneasiness will never go away for you at this rate. Start deciding what's best for you and don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole, so to speak. If something isn't right for you, it just isn't. Don't over-rationalize something that just feels wrong.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    He's having sex with you and with another woman(men) that have known STD's and he's lying to you about the timeline and details. Do you really need others to tell you how you should feel, how we would react, how you should proceed?
    Yeah. My own emotions feel like they're winning over my logic. I was in the mindset of breaking it off after finding out about the lie, but then I couldn't after talking to him in person. He is extremely remorseful, didn't realize the lie was that bad initially (he does now - the timeline was off by a couple of weeks so he didn't think it would make a difference), and is all in to try to amend the situation. His actions screamed that much. Dropped everything to try to compensate for the lie multiple times. He made himself available to talk to me anytime (I work 3rd shift btw), took off work multiple times in order to stay with me to make me feel better, cut out all of the partners, got me an alexa so I can drop in on him at home anytime, all because he didn't want us to end. I didn't ask for any of that.

    I'm not one to cut a relationship off for any lie, but this wasn't a harmless lie. However, he said he never meant to hurt me, he didn't think it would. I couldn't end it after seeing him. I think I need to hear from others to help me out.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Hold on.. Are you ok or not ok with non-monogamy? Are you both exclusive at all now? You never were explicit about that even towards the end of your write up. It sounds like you're in a lot of denial and you aren't very in touch with yourself (aren't sure of yourself). This is never a good sign as it will create problems in relationships. If you don't know where your limitations lie, you will not know how to conduct yourself in a relationship and will often find yourself in situations you can't explain (perpetual confusion). That uneasiness will never go away for you at this rate. Start deciding what's best for you and don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole, so to speak. If something isn't right for you, it just isn't. Don't over-rationalize something that just feels wrong.
    I was always ok with non-monogamy. Like I said, I was not expecting monogamy but was expecting honesty. What I meant by undecided was about me exploring other people myself right now, since I had no one I was interested in at the time but may be later on when/if I do (I plan to move far away and the lifestyle appealed to me). I wanted the option in the future if the opportunity presented itself, which it did before becoming official and I hoped maybe after a while. I was always ok with him being non-monogamous. This is more for background. I am comfortable with non-monogamy, but not with lies that are important. Trust and knowing the facts are what is important to me, so I can act accordingly (such as telling my doctor accurate information so I can get proper testing and treatment). I knew STDs would be a risk factor, despite proper protection. It comes with the lifestyle, which I accepted. Again, the problem is with the lie in the relationship, not the lifestyle. The lifestyle alone doesn't bother me. Due to the circumstances, we decided to be exclusive.
    Last edited by yatsue; 06-20-2019 at 05:39 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    I was always ok with non-monogamy. Like I said, I was not expecting monogamy but was expecting honesty. What I meant by undecided was about me exploring other people myself, since I had no one I was interested in at the time but may be later on when/if I do (I plan to move far away and the lifestyle appealed to me). I was always ok with him being non-monogamous. This is more for background. I am comfortable with non-monogamy, but not with lies that are important. Trust and knowing the facts are what is important to me, so I can act accordingly (such as telling my doctor accurate information so I can get proper testing and treatment). I knew STDs would be a risk factor, despite proper protection. It comes with the lifestyle, which I accepted. Again, the problem is with the lie in the relationship, not the lifestyle. Due to the circumstances, we decided to be exclusive.
    I wouldn't continue associating with this person. It's only been four months. Are you ready to move on or are you still thinking of keep this going? It seems more like a farce now, something false and like the romance is lost. Aside from this relationship, even if you do end it, you might need to heal and tell yourself that not everyone is like this (recover from the lack of discretion and truth). Unfortunately, there are all kinds of people out there, monogamous or not.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I wouldn't continue associating with this person. It's only been four months. Are you ready to move on or are you still thinking of keep this going? It seems more like a farce now, something false and like the romance is lost. Aside from this relationship, even if you do end it, you might need to heal and tell yourself that not everyone is like this (recover from the lack of discretion and truth). Unfortunately, there are all kinds of people out there, monogamous or not.
    Thank you for your input. It's definitely something I will need to think about with more clarity. I still feel very attached and need some time.

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