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For some background, I've been dating my bf since February. After he asked me to be his gf, we did not necessarily establish exclusivity. We were both open to non-monogamy, but I never stated that. I was still undecided on my end, but it wasn't much of a concern for me at the time. He never told me he was sleeping with other people when I became his gf. One of them was a woman who is positive for a couple of STDs. Upon this knowledge, I accepted the facts and had both of us get initial testing. This wasn't too big of a deal to me at first. There wasn't an agreement, so I can't say it was cheating. Otherwise, this would be different.

 

The issue is he unfortunately lied to me about when he slept with that woman, which was a couple of weeks before telling me the news. He didn't come out with this information on his own, I had to pry when what he was telling me wasn't adding up. At first, he said it was before we were official, but that was not true and it was actually afterwards. This information concerning the timeline was important to tell my physician, who asked me these questions. One STD can lead to very serious health concerns. The jist was, he lied because he said I make him nervous? He wasn't sure. He said he had a few drunken mess ups.

 

While I didn't expect exclusivity, I expected honesty as my current bf. Instead he lied about the timeframes and was avoidant with my relevant questions concerning the situation. I don't know how to feel, only that I'm uneasy now about the lie and I want it to go away. How would y'all react to this situation? How do I proceed? How do I make this uneasiness go away?

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Agree. It's fine to be open minded, but when this much nebulousness could lead to health concerns it should be game-over. No matter what stage things are at with someone there's never a place for deceit and "i was drunk" excuses.

How to make the uneasiness go away? Make him go away.
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His lie benefited him, but put you at risk. He deflected responsibility for lying by saying you made him nervous? A sign of good character is telling the truth even when it's a difficult thing to do.

Is this someone you want to bet your future on?

 

At the same time, we here are always so quick to say `hang em!'

 

Only you two will know if this is a one time error that you can overcome. That will be a very personal choice.

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Hold on.. Are you ok or not ok with non-monogamy? Are you both exclusive at all now? You never were explicit about that even towards the end of your write up. It sounds like you're in a lot of denial and you aren't very in touch with yourself (aren't sure of yourself). This is never a good sign as it will create problems in relationships. If you don't know where your limitations lie, you will not know how to conduct yourself in a relationship and will often find yourself in situations you can't explain (perpetual confusion). That uneasiness will never go away for you at this rate. Start deciding what's best for you and don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole, so to speak. If something isn't right for you, it just isn't. Don't over-rationalize something that just feels wrong.

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He's having sex with you and with another woman(men) that have known STD's and he's lying to you about the timeline and details. Do you really need others to tell you how you should feel, how we would react, how you should proceed?

 

Yeah. My own emotions feel like they're winning over my logic. I was in the mindset of breaking it off after finding out about the lie, but then I couldn't after talking to him in person. He is extremely remorseful, didn't realize the lie was that bad initially (he does now - the timeline was off by a couple of weeks so he didn't think it would make a difference), and is all in to try to amend the situation. His actions screamed that much. Dropped everything to try to compensate for the lie multiple times. He made himself available to talk to me anytime (I work 3rd shift btw), took off work multiple times in order to stay with me to make me feel better, cut out all of the partners, got me an alexa so I can drop in on him at home anytime, all because he didn't want us to end. I didn't ask for any of that.

 

I'm not one to cut a relationship off for any lie, but this wasn't a harmless lie. However, he said he never meant to hurt me, he didn't think it would. I couldn't end it after seeing him. I think I need to hear from others to help me out.

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Hold on.. Are you ok or not ok with non-monogamy? Are you both exclusive at all now? You never were explicit about that even towards the end of your write up. It sounds like you're in a lot of denial and you aren't very in touch with yourself (aren't sure of yourself). This is never a good sign as it will create problems in relationships. If you don't know where your limitations lie, you will not know how to conduct yourself in a relationship and will often find yourself in situations you can't explain (perpetual confusion). That uneasiness will never go away for you at this rate. Start deciding what's best for you and don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole, so to speak. If something isn't right for you, it just isn't. Don't over-rationalize something that just feels wrong.

 

I was always ok with non-monogamy. Like I said, I was not expecting monogamy but was expecting honesty. What I meant by undecided was about me exploring other people myself right now, since I had no one I was interested in at the time but may be later on when/if I do (I plan to move far away and the lifestyle appealed to me). I wanted the option in the future if the opportunity presented itself, which it did before becoming official and I hoped maybe after a while. I was always ok with him being non-monogamous. This is more for background. I am comfortable with non-monogamy, but not with lies that are important. Trust and knowing the facts are what is important to me, so I can act accordingly (such as telling my doctor accurate information so I can get proper testing and treatment). I knew STDs would be a risk factor, despite proper protection. It comes with the lifestyle, which I accepted. Again, the problem is with the lie in the relationship, not the lifestyle. The lifestyle alone doesn't bother me. Due to the circumstances, we decided to be exclusive.

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I was always ok with non-monogamy. Like I said, I was not expecting monogamy but was expecting honesty. What I meant by undecided was about me exploring other people myself, since I had no one I was interested in at the time but may be later on when/if I do (I plan to move far away and the lifestyle appealed to me). I was always ok with him being non-monogamous. This is more for background. I am comfortable with non-monogamy, but not with lies that are important. Trust and knowing the facts are what is important to me, so I can act accordingly (such as telling my doctor accurate information so I can get proper testing and treatment). I knew STDs would be a risk factor, despite proper protection. It comes with the lifestyle, which I accepted. Again, the problem is with the lie in the relationship, not the lifestyle. Due to the circumstances, we decided to be exclusive.

 

I wouldn't continue associating with this person. It's only been four months. Are you ready to move on or are you still thinking of keep this going? It seems more like a farce now, something false and like the romance is lost. Aside from this relationship, even if you do end it, you might need to heal and tell yourself that not everyone is like this (recover from the lack of discretion and truth). Unfortunately, there are all kinds of people out there, monogamous or not.

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I wouldn't continue associating with this person. It's only been four months. Are you ready to move on or are you still thinking of keep this going? It seems more like a farce now, something false and like the romance is lost. Aside from this relationship, even if you do end it, you might need to heal and tell yourself that not everyone is like this (recover from the lack of discretion and truth). Unfortunately, there are all kinds of people out there, monogamous or not.

 

Thank you for your input. It's definitely something I will need to think about with more clarity. I still feel very attached and need some time.

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Yeah. My own emotions feel like they're winning over my logic. I was in the mindset of breaking it off after finding out about the lie, but then I couldn't after talking to him in person. He is extremely remorseful, didn't realize the lie was that bad initially (he does now - the timeline was off by a couple of weeks so he didn't think it would make a difference), and is all in to try to amend the situation. His actions screamed that much. Dropped everything to try to compensate for the lie multiple times. He made himself available to talk to me anytime (I work 3rd shift btw), took off work multiple times in order to stay with me to make me feel better, cut out all of the partners, got me an alexa so I can drop in on him at home anytime, all because he didn't want us to end. I didn't ask for any of that.

 

I'm not one to cut a relationship off for any lie, but this wasn't a harmless lie. However, he said he never meant to hurt me, he didn't think it would. I couldn't end it after seeing him. I think I need to hear from others to help me out.

 

The jist was, he lied because he said I make him nervous?
What? Do you no longer make him nervous when he's faced with telling you the truth about something he fears you won't like much?

 

I dunno, chica... it's up to you which path you take with the knowledge you have but if you're going to stay with him, you best have a heart to heart with him about boundaries and deal breakers and being able to communicate.

 

If you're okay with polyamory then YOU BOTH better be adamant about wearing condoms and before becoming sexually intimate with any partner, everyone get tested first.

 

Good luck, choose wisely based on your own personal boundaries and deal breakers and be smart and don't tear them down just to avoid feeling the temporary pain of the withdrawl of no longer having him in your life.

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His lie benefited him, but put you at risk. He deflected responsibility for lying by saying you made him nervous? A sign of good character is telling the truth even when it's a difficult thing to do.

Is this someone you want to bet your future on?

 

At the same time, we here are always so quick to say `hang em!'

 

Only you two will know if this is a one time error that you can overcome. That will be a very personal choice.

 

I had the same thoughts. I know it is a bad lie. Too often is it easy to say to just dump someone, although I know no one is perfect. I mess up plenty, plenty enough to dump myself many times over. I bet we all have been there. I always look at intentions, and while this was a self serving one, I believe this was something he believed was a harmless lie, as the timeframe was so small he didn't think it made a difference. There would be no recovery from this if he had any ill intentions or had no genuine remorse.

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I do think your emotions ( or lust ) are clouding your good judgement right now.

You are considering taking a gamble with your health and life where the odds are stacked against you. If you win, you get some more time having sex with him and walk away intact. If you lose, you could get sick. And he doesn't have to have ill intentions for you to lose. Here intentions don't matter, it's the actions that count.

Since you are going high risk already with a choice to sow your wild oats around, you need at least honesty as a boundary. Don't give that boundary up!

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When your own standards are a moving target, it's not even realistic to trust your own word, much less someone else's.

 

Get clarity about what you want in a relationship. From there, it's far easier to screen out or screen in people who want and expect the same things for themselves. That's how to find a build a solid foundation with another that doesn't include health risks and deception.

 

If you're not willing to be honest with your Self about what you want, then all of the hopes in the world won't bring you the kind of trust that comes with avoiding ambiguity. You'll just keep sliding your definition of honesty around to accommodate lousy behavior even while your emotions eat at your stomach lining.

 

Is that how you want to live?

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Are you into non monogamous relationships yourself or do you just go along with it cos you don't think you deserve a committed guy?

 

I was also dating and fooling around with other men while with my bf. They eventually faded out since I stopped taking interest in them, but was intent on continuing whenever it suited me again. I liked the option and less restrictive lifestyle. Monogamy is not that important to me. I can take it or leave it, which is the same mindset he has told me. I didn't care he was sleeping with others. Honesty is important though, that should be a given. We did decide it would be best to be exclusive given the circumstances, for obvious reasons. I'm unsure why this keeps being discussed. This is not what I have issue with. No matter what kind of relationship we have, I should be told the truth, which is the issue at hand here.

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I'm sorry, but if in this day and age he thought it was no big deal to not clue you in about his other sex partners he's a fool.

 

He could have exposed you to something that could affect you for the rest of your life...or kill you. And you're willing to write this off as a harmless "mistake"?

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Thank you for your input. It's definitely something I will need to think about with more clarity. I still feel very attached and need some time.

 

You can feel attached and then use your head to make the decision that doesn't compromise your health in a very serious way. Of course he knew he was lying about facts. And he knows about STDs and how they are transmitted. Not rocket science. If he was not upfront about the timing so that you could protect yourself or do damage control then his values and morals justify lying even when it puts someone else's health at serious risk. Take your time and please keep your clothes on and during this time. We all feel very attached to things that are bad for us from time to time -that's the time you have to be marshal up all your strength and react to those feelings by putting your physical and emotional health at top priority.

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I was also dating and fooling around with other men while with my bf. They eventually faded out since I stopped taking interest in them, but was intent on continuing whenever it suited me again. I liked the option and less restrictive lifestyle. Monogamy is not that important to me. I can take it or leave it, which is the same mindset he has told me. I didn't care he was sleeping with others. Honesty is important though, that should be a given. We did decide it would be best to be exclusive given the circumstances, for obvious reasons. I'm unsure why this keeps being discussed. This is not what I have issue with. No matter what kind of relationship we have, I should be told the truth, which is the issue at hand here.

 

Yes -you should be told the truth about his exposure to STDs. He doesn't need to share anything else about the women he has sex with and if you asked about other details he could be honest and say "I'd rather not share". He does need to tell you accurate facts about STD exposure.

 

I also think that your conversation about a non-monogamy mindset might be too vague in general. People choose to have casual sex for many reasons as you know and having a "non-monogamy mindset" is one of many. His mindset might be part of the reason or the whole reason and might be based on something else entirely. The only relevance is not whether you share the same mindset about the value of monogamy but the nitty gritty of your sexual interactions - for whatever reason under the sun he wants to be able to have casual sex with you and whoever else he feels like. You feel the same. It doesn't really matter why, it doesn't matter how often he indulges or you.

 

Your "relationship" is that you go on dates and have casual sex when you feel like having sex. The level of what personal information you share is likely to be very different from the kind of personal information committed couples share. But information about health and health risks should be shared just like it should be shared between anyone who knows of a risk to that person or that person's family. Nothing to do with romantic relationships really and you've both chosen a casual sexual arrangement with the rule that STD risks must be disclosed and disclosed truthfully. Just like in my workplace you're not supposed to come to work with the flu and if you unintentionally expose people to a contagious illness you're supposed to disclose. I wouldn't elevate this arrangement to anything else having to do with a "non-monogamy mindset" - too vague and too much wiggle room.

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Since I'm familiar with more of your story than just this chapter I'm going to big picture this a bit before getting to the nuts and bolts.

 

This sounds a bit like the kind of relationship you get into when you don't quite want to get into a relationship so much as use a relationship to push yourself a little bit to learn what kind of relationship you eventually want to be in—to find the "clarity" that catfeeder mentioned in her post.

 

Everything stays a little loose, a little open, a little undefined, and there can be something radical, refreshing, and genuinely rewarding about it all—especially if (just, um, spit-balling here) your last serious attempt at a relationship was with a man-boy who was prone to jealousy, escaping into a cloud of video games, and leaving you feeling a bit too much like a mom/teacher than the layered, awesome, desirous woman you are.

 

Prior to discovering this lie, this sounds like it had been a really great thing for you. An experiment of sorts, as well as some fun, some sparks, some flickers of a genuine connection and perhaps a new sort of connection, but all in a "safe" place where your emotional investment was more restrained. Kind of perfect for someone who (a) isn't super eager to jump fully into something that looked like the last thing she got out of; and (b) is planning on moving "far away" in the near future.

 

Trouble is? I don't think he was (is?) operating in the same system as you, or that you two clearly defined this system, together. What you maybe most cherished about this dynamic—one where radical honesty took precedent over traditional fidelity—his actions show that what he appreciated was the vagueness, the wiggle room to be both "in" something and be a bit dumb, a bit drunk, and for it not to be as big a deal as it would be in a more conventional union.

 

In your shoes, right now, I'd take a moment to really think about all that.

 

What I see, in his lie, is someone who can't quite hang in this non-monogamous universe with grace and integrity. Very little was asked of him, after all, compared to what is asked of people in a more conventional dynamic. Just be straight, in short. He was sideways. Which puts you, right now, in a shade of the position you were in in your last relationship—where you have to "teach" a man how to be a man rather than get, out of the gates, the sort of man you want. Where you wait patiently to see if he'll evolve into the man you think he can be.

 

Something to reflect on. Sometimes we find ourselves repeating the same patterns in different spheres. It all looks different on the surface—open instead of closed, etc.—but, before we know it, we're compromising similar values, forgiving similar shortcomings, and find out ourselves in a similar sort of quicksand of the sort we thought we'd left in our past. What seemed to be a new paradigm proves to be closer to the old paradigm, just with a slightly different label.

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That is interesting and I think this is far more basic and the OP would be far more well-served to think of this in basic simple terms. Her sex partner lied and exposed her to STDs. Her sex partner is not a suitable sex partner when it comes to health risks because he justifies lying in order to be able to have sex with her and others as he pleases. She can think about all the reasons for the "non-monogamy mindset" and delve into all the whys and reasons why she doesn't want a committed relationship with him or anyone else right now and she can try to read his mind as to why he chose to be in a casual sexual arrangement but this is a health issue and someone who lied and risked her health. I've even heard of laws that prohibit someone from lying like this. I think in the first instance if she can distill this to the basic terms and take care of herself physically that's the most important because since she says she feels attached, indulging in the other stuff will probably lead to her justifying still hanging out with him and having sex with him.

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That is interesting and I think this is far more basic and the OP would be far more well-served to think of this in basic simple terms. Her sex partner lied and exposed her to STDs. Her sex partner is not a suitable sex partner when it comes to health risks because he justifies lying in order to be able to have sex with her and others as he pleases. She can think about all the reasons for the "non-monogamy mindset" and delve into all the whys and reasons why she doesn't want a committed relationship with him or anyone else right now and she can try to read his mind as to why he chose to be in a casual sexual arrangement but this is a health issue and someone who lied and risked her health. I've even heard of laws that prohibit someone from lying like this. I think in the first instance if she can distill this to the basic terms and take care of herself physically that's the most important because since she says she feels attached, indulging in the other stuff will probably lead to her justifying still hanging out with him and having sex with him.

 

For clarity, he isn't just a sex partner. It would be more simple if it was that way. We're in a serious, committed relationship. So I do feel attached emotionally. We discussed that we didn't care for exclusivity when making it official, hence were non-monogamous at first. I didn't state I would see others just yet, but had it in mind for the near future, since I didn't have anyone of interest at the time. We decided to be exclusive after it wasn't working out when I was lied to.

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