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Thread: Lies

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    Yeah. My own emotions feel like they're winning over my logic. I was in the mindset of breaking it off after finding out about the lie, but then I couldn't after talking to him in person. He is extremely remorseful, didn't realize the lie was that bad initially (he does now - the timeline was off by a couple of weeks so he didn't think it would make a difference), and is all in to try to amend the situation. His actions screamed that much. Dropped everything to try to compensate for the lie multiple times. He made himself available to talk to me anytime (I work 3rd shift btw), took off work multiple times in order to stay with me to make me feel better, cut out all of the partners, got me an alexa so I can drop in on him at home anytime, all because he didn't want us to end. I didn't ask for any of that.

    I'm not one to cut a relationship off for any lie, but this wasn't a harmless lie. However, he said he never meant to hurt me, he didn't think it would. I couldn't end it after seeing him. I think I need to hear from others to help me out.
    The jist was, he lied because he said I make him nervous?
    What? Do you no longer make him nervous when he's faced with telling you the truth about something he fears you won't like much?

    I dunno, chica... it's up to you which path you take with the knowledge you have but if you're going to stay with him, you best have a heart to heart with him about boundaries and deal breakers and being able to communicate.

    If you're okay with polyamory then YOU BOTH better be adamant about wearing condoms and before becoming sexually intimate with any partner, everyone get tested first.

    Good luck, choose wisely based on your own personal boundaries and deal breakers and be smart and don't tear them down just to avoid feeling the temporary pain of the withdrawl of no longer having him in your life.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    His lie benefited him, but put you at risk. He deflected responsibility for lying by saying you made him nervous? A sign of good character is telling the truth even when it's a difficult thing to do.
    Is this someone you want to bet your future on?

    At the same time, we here are always so quick to say `hang em!'

    Only you two will know if this is a one time error that you can overcome. That will be a very personal choice.
    I had the same thoughts. I know it is a bad lie. Too often is it easy to say to just dump someone, although I know no one is perfect. I mess up plenty, plenty enough to dump myself many times over. I bet we all have been there. I always look at intentions, and while this was a self serving one, I believe this was something he believed was a harmless lie, as the timeframe was so small he didn't think it made a difference. There would be no recovery from this if he had any ill intentions or had no genuine remorse.

  3. #13
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    Damn, this is your health. I would be done. Do you use protection?

    Dude, is a sleaze bag.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The most famous cop-out under the sun:
    Originally Posted by yatsue
    he said he never meant to hurt me.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I do think your emotions ( or lust ) are clouding your good judgement right now.
    You are considering taking a gamble with your health and life where the odds are stacked against you. If you win, you get some more time having sex with him and walk away intact. If you lose, you could get sick. And he doesn't have to have ill intentions for you to lose. Here intentions don't matter, it's the actions that count.
    Since you are going high risk already with a choice to sow your wild oats around, you need at least honesty as a boundary. Don't give that boundary up!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When your own standards are a moving target, it's not even realistic to trust your own word, much less someone else's.

    Get clarity about what you want in a relationship. From there, it's far easier to screen out or screen in people who want and expect the same things for themselves. That's how to find a build a solid foundation with another that doesn't include health risks and deception.

    If you're not willing to be honest with your Self about what you want, then all of the hopes in the world won't bring you the kind of trust that comes with avoiding ambiguity. You'll just keep sliding your definition of honesty around to accommodate lousy behavior even while your emotions eat at your stomach lining.

    Is that how you want to live?

  8. #17
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    Are you into non monogamous relationships yourself or do you just go along with it cos you don't think you deserve a committed guy?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    Are you into non monogamous relationships yourself or do you just go along with it cos you don't think you deserve a committed guy?
    I was also dating and fooling around with other men while with my bf. They eventually faded out since I stopped taking interest in them, but was intent on continuing whenever it suited me again. I liked the option and less restrictive lifestyle. Monogamy is not that important to me. I can take it or leave it, which is the same mindset he has told me. I didn't care he was sleeping with others. Honesty is important though, that should be a given. We did decide it would be best to be exclusive given the circumstances, for obvious reasons. I'm unsure why this keeps being discussed. This is not what I have issue with. No matter what kind of relationship we have, I should be told the truth, which is the issue at hand here.
    Last edited by yatsue; 06-21-2019 at 10:17 AM.

  10. #19
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    I'm sorry, but if in this day and age he thought it was no big deal to not clue you in about his other sex partners he's a fool.

    He could have exposed you to something that could affect you for the rest of your life...or kill you. And you're willing to write this off as a harmless "mistake"?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    Thank you for your input. It's definitely something I will need to think about with more clarity. I still feel very attached and need some time.
    You can feel attached and then use your head to make the decision that doesn't compromise your health in a very serious way. Of course he knew he was lying about facts. And he knows about STDs and how they are transmitted. Not rocket science. If he was not upfront about the timing so that you could protect yourself or do damage control then his values and morals justify lying even when it puts someone else's health at serious risk. Take your time and please keep your clothes on and during this time. We all feel very attached to things that are bad for us from time to time -that's the time you have to be marshal up all your strength and react to those feelings by putting your physical and emotional health at top priority.

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