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Thread: Boyfriend kissed another girl, is it my fault?

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend kissed another girl, is it my fault?

    Hi all. I really need help about this situation. Basically my boyfriend of 2.5 years kissed with another girl this week-end. I am 24 and he is 23.
    He is my second serious relationship and I am his first.

    So, this weekend he went to see his best friend in another country. I was kinda pissed off with him because he had gone off as soon as he had finished his job that thursday. I felt left-out and jealous of his mate. Its been strange between us in general. We haven't been having much sex and when we do it was really all about him. I was trying my best but I felt like we were falling into a routine and also that I was becoming a kind of housewife, even though I'm trying to finish my Masters degree as a student. Of course he has been the one who has been working, he has been tired, although I don't really need his help financial help except for what's fair for both of us: I pay the rent from my grant and he pays for food, which evens up. Although I can't really afford to go on trips, and he can, which makes me jealous. I also cooked and cleaned while he worked.

    So when he left this weekend I felt pretty pissed off. Although at the same time I thought he just wants to see his mate, which he doesn't that often. In itself I shouldn't have been pissed off but with everything else I think it made me kinda annoyed.
    When I learnt that they were going to have a party with his mate's friends coming round, it made me pretty angry. I know it was exagerrated to feel like this but I couldnt help it. I felt pissed off and jealous because he was out having fun and I was at home, alone, after doing quite a lot these past months. Couldn't help feeling like it. So I sent him a message saying I wanted split up. Then I couldn't respond because my phone died and I went out to a concert alone, I tried to control my temper by going out. I felt so pissed off and actually depressed about him out at a party without me that I wanted to die. I have moved to a new city and he has followed me here after a 1.5y LDR. I haven't been able to make many friends and have been struggling mentally since coming to this new city. I felt like nobody, not even my boyfriend, wanted me to hang out with them.
    I meant what I said but the next day I felt bad about it, although a part of me still felt angry at him/at myself.

    Fast foward to monday, he comes back. He wasnt meant to, he was meant to stay at his family's until the following sunday. We had a long conversation on the phone that day and I had told how I felt that night, admitting that I felt depressed, suicidal and that I'm jealous of him and his friends etc. I thought we had made progress and I felt like we had gotten some things out the way. He came back anyway that evening.
    The next day in the evening we are hanging out on the bed after spending the day together. Then, by accident, I see that a girl has asked him a friend request on facebook while he is on his phone. He quickly gets up and goes to the bathroom, not accepting and denying her. I felt it was strange and also all my anger and jealousy comes back from saturday night. When he comes back I say So you're getting friend request from girls now. Then he gets angry, says I'm crazy and goes out for a walk. He comes back 20 mins later, lies on the bed and is acting depressed. I say I'm sorry and whats the matter and then he tells me, with a tear coming down his face.

    I was pretty shocked. Apparently she asked him to dance, although we have had the conversation of our limits and that we wouldn't dance one-on-one with strangers. He initially said I kissed her. Then when I asked more questions he said it was at the same time and now he's saying it was her that kissed him.
    He said that it was just a peck on the lips and they were dancing normal, not touching. I don't really understand the logic of that, since a kiss like that doesn't just spring out of nowhere. When I ask for details, he says its not important and that its just gonna tortue me to imagine it. Which I find absolutely ridiculous that he's giving himself the choice to tell me or not and that its pretty suspicious that he's not telling me everything. He said he was very drunk too.

    He otherwise seems really sorry. He cried so so much, I've never seen a guy cry that hard. He keeps saying he's sorry, that it was a mistake, that I won't regret it if I take him back and that he'll do all he can to regain my trust. He also said its really difficult for him to help me with my problems of insecurity and that the fact that I couldn't trust pushed him to do it. So I feel like its my fault. It probably is.

    Also angry and I imagining them together. Also angry that he actually accepted her request (!!) "because I'd see that he hadn't accepted and know something was wrong" (so he wanted to hide it from me? I also don't have his facebook password so I don't know how I'd know that). I certainly feel like his not telling me all the details and that makes me very angry, evening though he keeps saying he is.

    I honestly don't know what to do. Something I want him to leave. But when he started packing his things, then I started to really feel my heart break completely and I tell him to just stay and explain why/what happened, so stopping him from going, really.
    I already had trust issues, probably because of insecurity and my past relationship, but now its gonna pretty much impossible for me.
    I don't how to deal with it, what to do exactly if I were to let him stay. I know we must talk to each other and sort out our problems. But what can he do to regain my trust and what can I do so I stop being jealous and feeling like I can't trust him.

    So the questions are:
    Is it my fault, did I push him to do this? I know I def have mental issues I need to work on, but is this an excuse for him?
    Is he telling he whole truth? How can I make him tell me everything? Should I learn the details, I want to know them, so isn't it my right to know?
    Should I give him a second chance?
    How can I deal with my anger towards them/imagining them?
    How can we deal with our issues if we were to stay together and what can he do to regain my trust?

    I know its "only" a kiss and it would be silly to break up with someone over it, but with everything else going on, its been difficult for me to want to trust him again. A kiss isn't an action on its own, theres a whole lot of other things that build up to that moment so for me anyway, its not a small thing.

    Thank you very much for reading and for your help to whoever is willing to write back!!

  2. #2
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    It is not your fault that this happened. First and foremost.

    I do think you need to reexamine the situation. Let's put it in a sequence:
    1. You have a boyfriend of 2.5 years and are living together
    2. He goes to visit a friend. That friend has a party. This upsets you.
    3. You told him you wanted to split up. Your phone died.
    4. He took your words to be truthful. He kissed another person.
    5. He came home. Early. To talk to you.
    6. You sort of guilt-tripped him by telling him you were depressed and suicidal. Even though you were the one who initiated the split up.
    7. He gets a friend request. You freak out.
    8. He tells you what happened. You want details. He doesn't want to give you details. This is wise on his part.
    9. He sees your anger and packs his things. You lose trust.

    If you are upset about not knowing his Facebook password, you will never be able to fully trust him. Not because of him, but because of your insecurities. When the kiss happened, you had already broken up with him. He was drunk and sad...what do you expect? You didn't cause this, but you also can't hold it against him.
    He doesn't owe you any details. Remember, you told him you wanted to split up.
    You are the one who has to deal with your anger. Remember, you told him you wanted to split up.
    He doesn't need to regain your trust. Remember, you told him you wanted to split up.

    It sounds like you would do well to take some time apart. You both have issues that should be addressed before you will be able to be in a healthy relationship.

    Also, if you truly feel suicidal, please get help. This is not something you want to carelessly toss around in a moment of anger or depression.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have trust issues myself (towards others, not myself) but my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to transparency. I very rarely let my guard down and usually operate with eyes at the back of my head, so to speak. I never ever take things forgranted nor am I ever at rest. If I am relaxed, it's a product of the security I feel in our marriage and testament to years of building on that trust but I know and understand things to change on a dime and prefer knowing it when it happens. I normally feel things instinctively before they happen. I can't explain that but it's 99.99% accurate and I don't shy away from it. I think a person's greatest downfall is in not being able to trust him/herself. You should trust your own judgment and reactions.

    I think when two people are willing to come together and acknowledge those traits or characteristics, you can learn to grow together and develop trust. There is no way a relationship can grow without trust. It usually takes years to build and seconds to destroy.

    Your boyfriend was upfront with you and he did tell you what happened. Your suicidal tendencies are something you have to deal with and using them as a threat or any type of coercion in a relationship is emotionally manipulative on your part and unfair to your boyfriend who shouldn't be handling that or at the brunt of that. Have you tried seeing a therapist or someone who can help you work through the intense desire to escape?

    Regarding the relationship as a whole and giving him a second chance, all that resentment between the both of you will continue to grow and become very negative over time if you don't deal with your own issues and recognize when some of your behaviours are unhealthy. If you feel that you cannot ever exist in a place of trust and fundamentally trust yourself, I don't think a relationship is a good idea at this time. It may also be a case of incompatibility because of your difference in lifestyle that's making those misunderstandings and lack of trust worse.

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    No we had a healthy talk on the phone and I admitted to him I've been feeling depressed for a while. Not because of him, but in general, and him being away triggered it again. Which I know is not normal.
    Then he decided to come back because he was worried. And then he told me what had happened when I saw the friend request and how he was acting.
    I do not carelessly toss this around. It was very difficult for me to admit and I have never told anyone, except a close friend.
    I wanted to split up with him because of the issues we've been having. I hadn't actually split up with him and he knows it. He knows these issues and he knows that I would have been open to discuss it. I know it was very hurtful, but I don't see it as a reason to kiss someone else. If you're upset with someone that you love, is that a normal response then? I have had my heart broken, and the last thing I wanted to do straight away was kiss someone else.
    I am not upset about not having his facebook password, I've never wanted it.
    Maybe I found his way of acting from past situations untrustworthy. And now I am just right and should have followed my gut feeling in the first place.

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  6. #5
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    Always follow your gut.

    "I hadn't actually split up with him and he knows it."
    But you said you wanted to split up!? You are playing games and you got burned.

    "Also angry that he actually accepted her request (!!) "because I'd see that he hadn't accepted and know something was wrong" (so he wanted to hide it from me? I also don't have his facebook password so I don't know how I'd know that). I certainly feel like his not telling me all the details and that makes me very angry, evening though he keeps saying he is."
    But you are not upset about not having his password?!

    There are no normal responses when you are upset with a significant other. Everyone handles these things differently. You are hurting--that is very obvious. If you are not in a good place, you will not be able to be in a good place in a relationship. Take some time. Work on you.

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    I am willing to give him a second chance. Especially as in part it was my fault. Although me saying I wanted to split up was due to a number of issues that was going on between us.

    I am not using it as a way of threatening him, I have never mentionned it to him and have always been too hesitant to do so, as with everyone. I wanted to tell him because I needed the support from him. It may reads as that but it was NEVER my intention.

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    No I'm not upset about having his password. I'm saying I don't understand his logic.
    I feel like you are being very judgmental and passive agressive on my part.
    You don't really know whats been happening outside of that weekend, he has been acting strange for over a month. I've tried to talk to him, and he'd say he's just tired.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There are so many issues, TG. I don't think this is a good place for you. Try to work on you and stop focusing so much on what's wrong with your boyfriend. I think you made the decision to call it quits and you should stick with it. Look back on your earlier reasons. It's your decision but going back and forth is just going to make an already bad situation with very little trust even worse. You're not coming across as trustworthy yourself if you seem to go back and forth. Heal and move on.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Teddygirl
    No I'm not upset about having his password. I'm saying I don't understand his logic.
    I feel like you are being very judgmental and passive agressive on my part.
    You don't really know whats been happening outside of that weekend, he has been acting strange for over a month. I've tried to talk to him, and he'd say he's just tired.
    You are right: I don't know what's been going on outside of what you have written. My opinions are just that: opinions. And they are based on what you've written. No judgement here, just an outside perspective. Ultimately, you are the one who has to decide what you will do.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It sounds like there are a lot of resentments brewing. This was just the tip of the iceberg. No one deserves to be cheated on. He sounds too immature for you. It would be great if you could get a roommate to share costs and stop wasting your youth "playing housewife". Why be tied down to this? A lot of your anger seems to revolve around being too attached but incompatible.

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