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Thread: Am I crazy? (please help me)

  1. #1
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    Am I crazy? (please help me)

    My now wife had an affair for almost a year and I forgave her before the marriage ( I was no angel either however I wasnít on the level of sleeping around) . Anyways I have recently found out that when she was in her affair phase she brought the guy to my home when I was out and God knows what truly happened even tho she says they just ďmade outĒ . I have said to her I want to move home and I will never be comfortable in this house or sitting on my chairs. Now I need some advice, am I overreacting because technically I have forgiven her , but I didnít know anyone was in my home. I feel like my privacy has been violated and like some unknown man knows everything about me and I know nothing about him(not that I want to know) . I suffer from anxiety and depression ( which she downplays ) and this has me losing sleep I cannot rest in this house. I need a fresh start , please correct me if Iím wrong I just need help

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Are you getting professional help for your depression and anxiety? I think that it would do you good if you're not already getting therapy. It seems that your priorities are a tad mixed up in that you can get past the fact that he's been in her but you can't get past the fact that he's been in your home.

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    Yes I am getting help/therapy but Iím on a waiting list which they are trying to push me forward, at the moment itís only phone calls . And maybe my priorities are mixed up , I just donít want anything to ever remind me of that point in time , now every time I have to enter my house it will be a constant reminder so I have no idea how I will get over this unless I leave this house.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Derek321
    Yes I am getting help/therapy but Iím on a waiting list which they are trying to push me forward, at the moment itís only phone calls . And maybe my priorities are mixed up , I just donít want anything to ever remind me of that point in time , now every time I have to enter my house it will be a constant reminder so I have no idea how I will get over this unless I leave this house.
    ... and what goes through your mind every time you enter your wife? You didn't seem to need to leave her!

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    Erm to be honest I still have trust issues that is tied in with the help I am seeking but I understand why she did what she did. The only thing I donít understand is how she could bring this man in our home near our children , especially coz this guy turned out to be a psycho ( he wouldnít give up on her literally ) .

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    Some people move because they donít like their kitchen. Lol! You donít need a huge reason to want to move.

    I donít think itís an unreasonable request to want to move - as long as there are no practical reasons preventing it (is: the kids would need to change schools, you canít afford it, etc)

    ... but I do think you should frame it as a positive (ie: i want a fresh start) rather than a negative (ie: you are being punished for what you did)

    Marriage counseling can help with this... but I actually think itís a great idea.

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    Oh yes I get you, I do say I want a fresh start because it is actually true and she agrees, but I donít know if she feels she has a choice but to agree with me. One of my reoccurring nightmares is that this guy turns up at my house , it wouldnít be impossible she had to change her number because he just wouldnít get the messsge (he thought he owned her). So I just donít want to have to worry about such things , she says he would never show up at the house but she also said he would never call or text her and then she had to block then change her number. Also because the nightmares and anxiety I canít sleep much, but she expects me to lay with her and watch her sleep ,when I would rather go out to my mothers/friends and have some drinks and come back when I literally canít stay up anymore. I think I do have a problem.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think you would do well to go to your family doctor while you are waiting to get into therapy. Perhaps he can give you a mild anti-anxiety med that will calm your mind and alleviate your paranoia. At this point, it sounds that even if you moved, you'd not be settled and calm.

    Good luck, I hope you don't have much longer to wait until you are seeing someone to help you out of this thought process.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You do have a problem in the sense that you are totally in denial just how badly this cheater has affected your life. It's not the house, it's the cheater you are with. Of course you have nightmares - it's normal. You may have forgiven her, but that doesn't mean that you condemn yourself to live in a nightmare. When she had a long term affair, she killed your relationship.

    Time for you to face up to that truth, get rid of the cheater, give yourself a real fresh start and then you'll find that your nightmares and anxiety are gone. Anxiety is your body's way of telling you that you are in a sh$tty situation and you don't go to a shrink and start taking happy pills for that. You want a real cure? You want your life and sanity back? Get rid of the cheating wh...

    Wake up man. Wake up.

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    Erm the cheating hurt, even though like I said it was me that caused it ( long story) so I understand that. And I dont think a year affair is worth throwing away over 14 years. If I had the feeling she would do it again I would have ended it in a second. I think the real issue is she donít take me serious. She had the nerve to say to me that Iím fine and her actions have had no long lasting effect on my mental state , because she has gotten over all of the horrible things I have said and done to her so I can do the same. So I feel I canít ever being up when Iím feeling low or anxious to her coz she will get annoyed / upset or think Iím beingĒ extra ď then it will end up me having to cheer her up. I know my problem with anxiety and depression is my problem and I have to deal with it myself, but I wish my wife was there for me more, like when I canít get to sleep I wish she would stay up with me a bit and talk because I would definitely do that for her but I feel Iím just being to wimpy for her at the moment she isnít impressed I feel.

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