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Thread: First date tomorrow after 2.5 year relationship. Feeling nervous/ anxious

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    There are guys out there that specialize in vulnerable women and you are vulnerable right now.
    Take a moment to acknowledge this.

    I don't want to be a buzzkill, nor do I want to be a hypocrite, since I've had some good experiences with dating "too soon," ranging from hot flings (when I was younger) to nice, friendly conversations (when I stopped caring so much about sex, be it in the form of flirtation of actual sex, as mode of validation).

    But do know that when you tell a man from a dating app that you're a week out of a relationship you are basically announcing yourself as vulnerable and not a candidate for anything significant. I'm just one man, of course, but I'll be frank in telling you what I'd hear in that moment: pain, damage, wobbly emotions.

    All that is a major turn off for me at this point in my life, so I would have said something like, "I appreciate your honesty, but think it's best if we cancel. Wishing you all the best on your journey." That he is into flirting and having fun with someone he does not know but does know is in an emotionally vulnerable stateóno judgement, but please don't mistake that for him being the world's most understanding and sensitive dude. What it means is that he is turned on by you being unavailable and vulnerable.

    That's not to say he's a sharkóhe may be in a similar state in his own life, reeling a bit over some romantic loss himselfóor that you should be more nervous. But if you're going to date in this stateóas a form of "therapy," as Gary so often advocatesóI'd really suggest doing it without leading with your wounds. It is, more often than not, a recipe for a connection founded on hurt and, as such, a recipe for more hurt.

    How do you avoid that? By not leading with your wounds. Talk about life, art, hobbies, movies, whatever. Find connection and commonality and "fun" there, and deal with your wounds in private, with people you know and trust. There can be strength in that combo, and maybe even something therapeutic. Telling someone you don't know that you're a wounded bird rarely goes well.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    A lot of people will tell you it's too soon for you to date. They would be wrong, it's good therapy.
    It may be good therapy for some but certainly not all Gary Snyder.

    Especially after only one week since the breakup for heaven's sake.

    My experience? I began dating about a month after my long term ex and I broke up, and it made me feel worse!

    Why? Because the guy was not my ex! I kept comparing him to my ex, and it actually caused me to spiral into a full blown depression because by dating I was suppressing/masking my pain instead of dealing with it head on.

    I ended up hurting him, hurting myself and my own healing process.

    IMO, if you're not comfortable going on this date OP, do yourself and possibly him a favor and don't go!

    I would also be wary of him telling you he wants to "flirt" knowing you are fresh from a breakup when you are most vulnerable.

    Not only is it a totally lame comment, he's taking advantage of that vulnerability imo.

    Translation: Let's flirt and maybe (hoping in his mind) it will lead to sex. Personally, I wouldn't trust it.

    I say don't go and give yourself more time to process the breakup.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-20-2019 at 01:50 PM.

  3. #13
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    Whatís imo?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    "in my opinion"

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    But do know that when you tell a man from a dating app that you're a week out of a relationship you are basically announcing yourself as vulnerable and not a candidate for anything significant.
    Yup!

    It also suggests, especially given his comment that he wants to "flirt" that he's hoping for some casual sex you -- a woman fresh from a break up and vulnerable.

    I don't know him so can't say for sure, but I think it's quite possible he may very well be a "shark" (blue's word).

    Personally, I wouldn't trust it and wouldn't go but if you want to chance it, then go, maintain your boundaries and try and have fun.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    AlAnon would be a better outlet for this than TMI and spelling out how damaged you are to people on dating sites. Dating is not therapy. It can be great when you're ready but the fact that you haven't even met and he knows about the drama with the alcoholic bf, indicates you're not.
    Originally Posted by Habba712
    I have explained to him what Happened and when. I was also very honest about it.

  8. #17
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    Vent to your friends not to a stranger. He's praying on your emotional instability and most likely wants sex.

  9. #18
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    Be very careful, OP.

    While you have been honest with this guy, you are also in an emotionally fragile state. That vulnerability can really work against you if you are not careful. Have fun, sure, but be aware that you are much more likely to wind up hurt by situations that would otherwise not be so bothersome when you venture back into casual dating.

    For example, if you flirt and have fun and then he ghosts you - how will you feel? Or if you wind up in bed together, but then he disappears? These are things that night not bother someone too much if they are generally feeling pretty confident and secure in themselves and can accept that such things happen sometimes. But for the very recently-dumped, it tends to magnify the feelings of rejection and hurt.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Blue nailed it!

    If you are looking to get over him by getting under some strange dude then by all means keep going down this route. Make a profile on Tinder, post a sexy pic and just wait and pick the guy you want to have sex with. BUT if you are looking for a real relationship with potential long term then dating right now is a huge mistake.

    On the first meet one of the things I ask if I haven't already talked to them on the phone about it is: "How long have you been single?" and then "How long was your last relationship?" If she says it was a year long and they broke up 7 days ago I don't care how beautiful she is I take a pass. The simple reason is that they are not ready to date. So the person they are dating becomes their therapist, their healing partner, shoulder to cry on, their substitute boyfriend... Basically a person to be used to feel better.

    Hey we all have baggage, we all have issues and we all can be better humans but I am not looking for a fixer upper girlfriend, I am looking for someone to share my life with.

    Be smart with your heart because it is pretty exposed right now. There is no rush to date, real decent guys will be more interested in you in 3 to 6 months from now. Trust me you will have no problems attracting quality guys.

    Lost

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