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Thread: Am I wrong to be upset?

  1. #21
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    Seem to be getting advice completely one way or the other!

  2. #22
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    I think most people would agree that a break might be beneficial. For both of you.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I get why you want to do this and I also get why you call your mum every day... OP while I agree with you about your trip to Spain, I also agree with your GF about the level of codependency you have with your mum right now... I understand wanting to make the most of your time with her when she is sober, but I think you are also letting your anxiety about her control your life. This is pretty classic behaviour for the family of addicts and alcoholics.

    Try to find a balance and if you haven’t already, get some help and attend some Alanon meetings in your area.

  4. #24
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    Personally, I would not marry and have children with someone who gave me a hard time about my family.

    What happens when she’s exhausted and has a screaming toddler on her hands and everyone is trying to tell her how to parent (oh yes, most families cross boundaries and do stuff like this) and she needs to pack a caravan full of diapers and wipes and a million changes of clothes to go there. It gets worse, IMO, not better.

    ... and she’s already locking you on the balcony in your underwear and trying to make you sleep with the light on.

    I’d be running from this personally.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beej
    However I will say that there are times when I simply completely disagree with her view over some things and neither of us are willing to budge. Some examples being:
    - I mentioned the above argument about returning on the Sunday. After explaining why I couldn’t give a time to return home, she started crying saying I’m not helping her anxiety (she has OCD but has never mentioned anxiety before). I said “now your being silly” and she said I am a hypocrite for asking for emotional support for my mental concerns (I won’t go into this) and that I have now set the precedence for how she will act with me going forward.
    - one evening she wouldn’t let me sleep by keeping the light on. I have to travel a long way and work long days so I just wanted to get to sleep. I pleaded with her to turn it off but she just kept putting it back on. I asked her why and she couldn’t give me an answer. I said “if your going to be a knob I’ll go sleep in the lounge” she threw a glass of water and me and locked me out on the balcony for over an hour in my underwear. 2 days later she told me it was her OCD.

    In both situations she will categorically not change her view and because I have insulted her by calling her a name, anything that happens in return is my fault.

    I recently broke up with her and started looking for a place of my own. She is always very vocal about us breaking up but it hit hard her thinking that I was really done. So she, in floods of tears, pleaded me for another go. This was the Sunday just gone. The most recent disagreement at the start of this post took place yesterday.

    I am not a perfect boyfriend and don’t claim to be, but sometimes simple common sense prevails, unless I am just totally out of sorts after 4 years of arguments.

    I would also like to point out that my girlfriend is extremely loving and caring, intelligent and beautiful. She is perfect, until we have a disagreement.

    This is exhausting....
    She is NOT perfect... I am sure she has her good qualities, however she also behaves like a needy, codependent tyrant that throws tantrums when she is not getting what she wants, and she is dragging you down to her level to the point of you calling her names.

    Turning the light on and not turning it off? Locking you out on the balcony? Absolutely not okay under any circumstances and both of you are making excuses for her perpetuation of abuse.

    Time to consider getting outside help and if that doesn't work... getting out.

  7. #26
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    Thank you for your advice, both for and against my side of things as it gives a bit of perspective.

    Finally this evening I managed to get us to talk. I asked her what her opinion was on my mum and my relationship with her. I told her I’ve thought things over and that I completely understand that she may have felt on the sidelines and why she would think that the amount of contact is unusual. I explained why I am being there for her and that I will step away to a certain extent when I feel that I can. She told me that the time I spent with my mum was never an issue. She didn't have much to say about it. I was quite firm that for the right reasons I want to take my mother away, just me and my sister, my mind is made up on that, and there there is nothing wrong with it. It’s not just a holiday you are being excluded from but a chance to strengthen our family and help my mum. She said if that’s my stance she will have to reconsider our relationship, she is seriously pissed that I “made a thing about it” last night because I got a bit upset with her about this topic. Basically I haven’t shown that I want to be in a relationship because I have made a thing out of it. We have flights we booked to go to Spain this weekend and now she’s saying she isn’t sure if she wants me to go. Oh the irony... note: isn’t sure, never is sure, whether it’s plans or us breaking up. Always a U-turn, always dissatisfied but never enough to go through with the decision. Every time we talk previous arguments come up. Why agree to move forward and have a couple of nice evenings if the past gets brought up again.

    Last week we both decided to end it and because I am being made redundant and may be out of work I asked if I could keep our rental property (1 month rolling contract). She said no she wanted to stay, I don’t want a massive fight so fine I said I’d look for places. She said I can pay half the rent for when I’m here only so I could move out. I did look for other places and when I told her she went into despair. When I said I would need to end my tenancy here for a reference so I could get a new place she told me I would have to hand my notice in when we pay the rent. Essentially this would mean I would have to live with her for 7.5 weeks. We are due to be kicked out as landlord is selling, this could happen any moment. When she begged for us to give it another go I said ok but until things have improved I’m not prepared for us to both sign for for a 6 month contract in the house we move into (IMO her U-turn on the break up led to her telling me I had to stay for 7.5 weeks). She was upset and I understand that, but we both agree that we are well and truly on the rocks! She ended up agreeing and we had a good few days, although she has brought this up 3 times since. Now this is the bone of contention in tonight’s conversation. She hates that I’m “throwing my weight around and showing whose boss”.

    Considering how if it all I can move forward with this relationship that I really want to work.
    Last edited by Beej; 06-20-2019 at 03:11 PM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beej
    Considering how if it all I can move forward with this relationship that I really want to work.
    I'm just going to be frank here.

    I don't think the relationship you "really want to work" is this relationship. Nor do I think you particularly want to be with this woman. What you want is a completely different relationship with a completely different woman, but you're breaking your brain to stitch together the scraps before you into some kind of quilt that provides genuine warmth, to squint hard enough so that the massive, unbridgeable chasms between you two look more like cracks in the sidewalk that can be smoothed over with a little putty.

    Perhaps because of your own past—and what I imagine was a hard youth with an alcoholic parent, a youth I can very much relate to, by the way—you are somewhat inclined to equate punishment and manipulation with being loved and respected. Or, more to the point: that being loved and respected is not something you deserve, but something you have to work for, claw for, nibble on in scraps rather than feast on in a buffet. Otherwise I cannot for life of me understand the appeal here.

    This thread, as it has unspooled, has become a story of a toxic relationship that stopped functioning a long, long time ago.

  9. #28
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    Blue castle I appreciate what you’re saying. However my mothers conditioned worsened in recent years and she was and continues to be a wonderful and caring person despite her issues. Maybe not having a dad around, however, has made me less firm with my beliefs. However I torment myself so much over this “whose right whose wrong thing”. Constantly not knowing whether I am a good person. I have realised over the past year that there is not much self esteem left. Not to wallow in self pity but the depression that has come over me recently makes it difficult to be firm when she’s wrong but also realise when I am in the wrong as well.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    Relationships are not about who is "right" and who is "wrong," and they are certainly not things we engage with to prove that we are "good" people. They are about two people—not good, not bad, not perfect, not awful, but just people—who function well together.

    You two, by the sounds of it, do not.

    I can't help but feel that, gun to head, you'd find more relief than pain in the following scenario: you go away for a few days with your mother and come back to find your relationship is over. Honestly, I think that's what you want. But you don't want to be the "bad" guy and just say it. You want to be the "good"guy who can talk about it, try to resolve it.

    She sees through that a bit, sees it as disingenuous, so instead of meeting you on the high plane where adults work through problems, she goes for the low blows. She's basically trying to grab the power back from you, since she sees your high-minded, equanimous approach more as power grab than something coming from your heart.

    Your coping mechanism to conflict is to be more patient and understanding than you actually are; hers is to be more of a brat than she actually is. As a result, there is nothing like a sincere, authentic connection. Around and around it goes, each of you chipping away at the other.

  11. #30
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    Oh wow, my mind is blown. Seriously...

    The amount of times I try to be something and someone, try and act the right way, to act in the moral way. But inside I’m screaming, you aren’t being fair. I force myself to see her view because “I’m a pain too” but the resentment is too much sometimes. Maybe this is where this belief in me that I’m not a good person comes from. One thing I do know for sure is that one of us has nothing left to give and one won’t end the relationship, the problem is they are both the same person, her.

    I said to her today that I genuinely mean what I said (see: tonight I finally managed to get her to talk..) and I do. But she just sees it as bull. I don’t understand why she would continue to be in a relationship that she is extremely upset in. She is either sky high in love or screaming in my face and I end up being in the middle, drained of passion.

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