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Thread: Am I wrong to be upset?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You would be wise to go to some AlAnon meetings and discover why you are enabling your mother this much. Forget about this particular gf. It's your stance with an alcoholic mother and trying to rescue her that is damaging your life. You need to cut the apron strings. Get help for your enabling/"codependency".

  2. #12
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    I can see how your girlfriend would feel a bit pushed aside--especially if this has been an ongoing issue with your mom. She has been a bit of a casualty due to your mom's issues. It is not your mom's fault at all, however!
    On the other hand, you also need to care for your family. While I don't think it is strange to take a weekend trip with your mom and sister, I'm sure your girlfriend sees this as you--once again--choosing to spend your time with them (as you have done a LOT lately). She simply wants to be around you.
    She needs you to make a plan and stick to it. After four years, she has probably come to rely on you for a lot of different things. She now feels like she can't. That is upsetting her and kind of rocking her boat.
    When it comes down to it, you need to find your equilibrium. You need to be solid. You can't continue on shaky ground and expect her to walk easily with you...

  3. #13
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well it's a mixed bag. You are right that you should be able to go away with family for a weekend without your girlfriend.

    But calling your mom every night makes your girlfriend right on that issue - you are a mama's boy.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I am the son of two alcoholic parents. What you are doing for your mother is commendable and hard, I know I have been there more than a few times.

    First off you are doing right by your mother. She has chosen sobriety and is sticking to it and you are being supportive and caring while she tries to get healthy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing so don't question your actions at all. Could you imagine not doing the best you could for your mother and having her fall and die from her injuries? It really doesn't matter that she is an alcoholic or just getting old and needs extra help and attention, you are being a good son.

    Your girlfriend is a spoiled selfish brat. It is that simple. I couldn't imagine what you have been going through for 4 years with this woman. I see her list of priorities going something like this:

    1. Her being on top of the pedestal always!
    2. Her happiness
    3. Her security
    4. Her social status
    5. Her health
    6. Her feeling loved
    7. Her entertainment
    8. Her plans
    9. Her wants
    10. Her needs
    11. Her desires
    12. HER WAY!!!
    ...
    27. Then comes you

    You are right in this matter and she is wrong, there is no need for compromise and from the way you describe this woman you need a few days away from her.

    I would strongly suggest you start a new thread about the difficulties in the relationship as a whole. This particular situation is just a symptom or a larger illness.

    Lost

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  6. #15

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    No children or pets, so no extra responsibility whilst I am away. She is quite open about not wanting to visit my family. We have had the odd argument on special occasions with my family and I think she is embarrassed to see them because she doesn’t feel that they approve of her. My family have said things in the past to me such as “are you sure this is right” but are always welcoming to her and do not exclude her from anything. I often try and get her and my family together, but there always seems to be an issue which results in her not being willing to come. She often speaks derogatory about my sister and father. Perhaps this has something to do with her opinion about the weekend away. She is open about her commitment to me and often talks of the future/marriage/kids etc. I want that to, but the relationship issues have held us back.

  7. #16
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    She does need to be able to get along with your family if she plans to build a life with you. But I don't think she is a spoiled brat. I think she is sad that your pattern has changed.

    Honestly, she might not be comfortable around a recovering alcoholic. Additionally, it is not your responsibility to keep your mom sober. She has to do that for herself. Is there a chance that she has traded her addiction to alcohol for a codependency on her children? Perhaps some family therapy could help?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If she feels badly about your family, that's not good. I don't feel there's mutual trust and respect in this relationship and it's eating away at your romance. I'm unsure how calling your mother every night is going to hasten or help your mum's situation at all. Does your mum ask you to check in on her every day? It's important for you be clear with your family and your partner when this ends. I don't think it's normal to be checking in on a family member every single day indefinitely. Your girlfriend needs to know or possibly hear verbally (because some people are like that) when this will end or how you are going to go about setting boundaries going forward with some kind of timeline even if it's a loose timeline. I'd be wary about pursuing any future with someone as mired in pre-existing commitments and issues as you without a strong understanding of proper boundaries and limitations. I'm speaking very frankly here.

    There seems to be a lot of resentment building and I think all of this can be solved with proper boundaries and setting limits. You seem stuck in a depressing vortex of sadness, preoccupation with your mum's health and not being able to balance this with your future (your girlfriend). This is coming from someone who cared for sick/dying parents so I understand where you're coming from but your partner needs more from you than simply being on the sidelines. She needs to know you haven't checked out or forgotten your future together.

    The trip to Spain shouldn't be a big deal but the fact that it is and you can't take a trip alone with your sister and mother says a lot. I'd work on those boundaries and work a bit better being able to juggle present commitments and future plans.

  9. #18

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    I understand and appreciate people’s different perspectives on mine and hers situation. I fear that because things have been rocky for some time, that this issues just get in the way and avoid us putting good energy into the relationship and making good memories together. I feel that she sees any effort towards other things (family, friends (who I rarely ever see - twice a year maybe), mountain biking etc) as a negative and taking away from her. Sometimes I do feel that seeking enjoyment from other things is the only way to stay sane and take enjoyment front life. Other times I feel like I don’t do enough to engage the relationship. We spend every day and every weekend together and often go for meals/drinks but maybe not weekends away as much. I’m struggling with that at the moment as I am shortly due to be made redundant.

    However I will say that there are times when I simply completely disagree with her view over some things and neither of us are willing to budge. Some examples being:
    - I mentioned the above argument about returning on the Sunday. After explaining why I couldn’t give a time to return home, she started crying saying I’m not helping her anxiety (she has OCD but has never mentioned anxiety before). I said “now your being silly” and she said I am a hypocrite for asking for emotional support for my mental concerns (I won’t go into this) and that I have now set the precedence for how she will act with me going forward.
    - one evening she wouldn’t let me sleep by keeping the light on. I have to travel a long way and work long days so I just wanted to get to sleep. I pleaded with her to turn it off but she just kept putting it back on. I asked her why and she couldn’t give me an answer. I said “if your going to be a knob I’ll go sleep in the lounge” she threw a glass of water and me and locked me out on the balcony for over an hour in my underwear. 2 days later she told me it was her OCD.

    In both situations she will categorically not change her view and because I have insulted her by calling her a name, anything that happens in return is my fault.

    I recently broke up with her and started looking for a place of my own. She is always very vocal about us breaking up but it hit hard her thinking that I was really done. So she, in floods of tears, pleaded me for another go. This was the Sunday just gone. The most recent disagreement at the start of this post took place yesterday.

    I am not a perfect boyfriend and don’t claim to be, but sometimes simple common sense prevails, unless I am just totally out of sorts after 4 years of arguments.

    I would also like to point out that my girlfriend is extremely loving and caring, intelligent and beautiful. She is perfect, until we have a disagreement.

    This is exhausting....

    Regarding supporting my mum. My mum hasn’t asked me to or expects me to call her on any basis, or ask me to go down and see her. My frequency of calls is because I want to call her, mostly because I feel that extra support will help her develop a newfound appreciation for things in life that aren’t alcohol. I don’t intend on this being a long term solution. If I were able to see her once a week (for example if I was just down the road and could pop in) I would definitely call less. I have also asked my sister to step up and see mum more to help me out but she is very career focused and works all hours god sends.

  10. #19
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    Honestly, I would be livid if someone told me I was being silly when I mentioned my anxiety. And why are you name-calling? That is too juvenile to be present in a relationship. Maybe it is better for both of you that you not be together. She has a few issues to work on and you might need to check your codependency on your mother and your disregard for your girlfriend's issues.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Good grief. I am no expert on mental health but that does not sound like OCD and it certainly is NOT anxiety. It's emotional manipulation and abuse. I'm referring to the lights on preventing you from sleeping and locking you out on the balcony. This is totally unacceptable and ridiculous. She needs a lot more help than you're able to provide and between your mum and her, this is would be over the top for anyone. I'm not sure why you are debating at all whether she should be in your life. If you do continue to invite her into your life, I think this will be on you (your fault) and no one else's. You should be recognizing that your life should be different from this.

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