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My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. We seem to have differing morals on some matters, one of which I feel I really need some calibration on. My mother is a recovering alcoholic who was admitted to hospital for serious health concerns after a number of falls. Due to her alcoholism and lack of eating her condition was very concerning and upsetting. It was a very difficult time for my sister and I. I am so proud of her for now being nearly 3 months sober after 40 years of progressive drinking. I spoke to my girlfriend about my sister and I taking my mum away for the weekend to Spain to celebrate and bring the family closer (I live 100 miles away so only see her once per month at the most). I explained that I had considered us bringing our partners but think it would be nice for us to go away just the 3 of us, for my mother’s sake. My girlfriend is very upset, saying it’s not fair for me to exclude or not invite her. She now won’t talk about it, saying she has said what she has to say on the matter. It looks like I’m going to have to make the decision on my own. She also went away with her sister and mum recently and I wasn’t invited on the basis that this was a “girly weekend” (I obviously had no issues with this at all and actually encouraged her to consider going away in the first place). As my sister and mum are female and I’m male she says it’s different. She also has commented that it is unusual/unsuitable that I try and phone my mum every night (I try to catch up and give her support as much as I can because she lives alone) given that I’m 28. She says I need to live my own life. I want to make my girlfriend happy but feel a definite clash. Am I wrong, is she? Is this a compromise that should be made? Given that we have had issues in our relationships (big arguments) there is what I would describe as some resentment between us, which makes things a bit snappier, and at times my actions have affected the relationship. Therefore I understand that to improve our relationship it’s important for me to compromise and make her the centre of my world, and I’m trying to do that. However I don’t feel that this should apply to this example, I worry that the she is not able to realise the gravity of the situation and instead sees it as me prioritising my happiness over hers.

I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

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She needs to butt out of your family plans/business. Why bother seeking approval on that? Stop talking to her about your mother and your mother's problems. She does have a point about you being over enmeshed with your mother. There is no right/wrong, just differing values and a lot of incompatibility. Stop debating this, it's pointless.

I spoke to my girlfriend about my sister and I taking my mum away for the weekend to Spain to celebrate and bring the family closer I’m 28. She says I need to live my own life.
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It sounds like there are a few issues at play, but let's focus on the main one: You should not need her approval to handle your family situations in a way you feel is healthiest and most fitting the circumstances.

 

Even if you have wronged her in fights or in other areas of your relationship, that does not equal giving up your right to an ongoing healthy amount of independence and autonomy - something you should not need to give up at any time of your life be it while in a relationship, married, single, etc. I cannot IMAGINE telling my husband that he shouldn't take a trip alone with his mom and siblings if he felt it was necessary and especially if there were the sensitive factors involved that you are describing. We are married, which might make me feel I have the "right" to tell him I need to be included because I am legally also family, but this would be a non-negotiable for me.

 

Compromise is one thing, but "making her the centre of your world" is an entirely different story, and a big red flag. She clearly feels that you should be putting her above anyone/thing else. It sounds like you two already have some compatibility issues (when you describe arguments and ongoing snappiness and resentments towards each other, that to me points to a bigger problem), but she is exhibiting some controlling behaviours that need to be addressed. How often you speak with your mother on the phone is, frankly, not her call and she shows a clear lack of support for you and your loved ones with her selfish reactions here. Maybe it is a maturity issue, or maybe she genuinely doesn't understand the gravity of this kind of situation (maybe try to share some more information about it with her if that seems to be the case), but it sounds like there is some toxicity in this relationship you need to really address soon. She also really seems to feel she has the right to call the shots by making the case that her "girly weekend" trumps your plans to spend time with your family during a time of hardship.

 

You mentioned that she "won't talk about it anymore" so it's "up to you to make this decision." Does this mean that you were expecting her to make the decision to come with you, even though you intended for no partners to come along? In the end, it IS your decision whether or not you bring her or go without her. If she chooses not to try to understand and support you, and if she continues sulking and semi-stonewalling you, I would give the future of the relationship a lot of thought.

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It is unusual (to me) that you call your mom every day but it’s not unheard of. I do know some people who do that. I’m not really sure why your girlfriend cares? If that’s something that makes you happy and it’s not interfering in your life in any way... well... I think your gf is being nit-picky. Are we talking hours-long phone calls or 5 minute phone calls?

 

For the family trip, your gf needs to butt out. Of course you can go away with just your family. The dynamic changes when you bring partners around. I understand why your gf is hurt but she is being unreasonable.

 

You also said some strange things in your post, IMO about “making her the Centre of your world” and “prioritizing your happiness over hers”. Are these words she has said to you? You SHOULD prioritize your own happiness. You need to be happy before you can look to make others happy. And no one should be the “center of your world”. That’s odd and unhealthy.

 

I don’t know any of your history - or if you have indeed in the past been selfish or dismissive of her needs - but based on this post alone - your gf sounds unreasonable and demanding.

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Sounds to me like you should split up due to incompatibility in areas unrelated to this one instance.

But that your gf is using this one instance as a test?

Which is unfair.

Rather than dwell on the current dilemma , perhaps you should discuss why this is now a bone of contention for your gf?

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I can kind of see your girlfriend's point if she's been a support to you while you were dealing with your mother's illness and condition. Like, she would deserve the reward of a nice getaway after she's been there for you. Has she been there for you?And yes a girls weekend is different because then you're excluded because of gender not because you're not important or special enough to be included. Certainly if there are private family matters to be discussed and your girlfriend is not your wife, then ok.

 

So for me it turns somewhat on the sacrifices your girlfriend has made so you could be there for your mom.

 

I try to talk to my mom every day. I like her -she's really cool!! and also for safety - she is 84 and lives alone the last 2 years plus. My sister and I make sure we talk with her once a day between the two of us. My husband used to talk to his parents almost every day -and we've each lived hundreds of miles from our parents for much of the last 9 years. His parents passed away. I did object when he insisted on talking with them when I should have been the priority -and when it wasn't an emergency -meaning if I'd been alone with our then infant for 12-14 hours straight and he took a call as he walked in from work and was supposed to take over with the baby so I could use the restroom by myself or- gasp -shower. But it was an individual basis. I call my mother at times that work for our family although my husband loves that I talk with my mother, loves to tell me anecdotes to pass on to her when we talk, etc. And we are in our 50s. Age has nothing to do with it. I've always been close with my mother.

 

I am sharing because that might help and on the other hand it really depends. Good luck!

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You do not need to make her the center of your world. You need to talk about why you feel that it's important that it's just the three of you, and she needs to respect that. It's not her place to decide whether she gets to come with or not. Ask her to understand the factors at play and that it matters to you to be supporting your mom, and be firm in telling her that she doesn't get to intervene (if you've decided that, which I think you should have). Most of the incompatibilities between two people can reach a neutral consensus to let you move on with your lives (together) if talked about properly. It doesn't need to be argued about - if you worry she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, tell her that. Talk about it until you are understood. Same for the phone calls: it doesn't sound like she understands why you do it, not to mention it shouldn't be a problem for her if you do. Maybe just make sure it's not a super long phone call every day or that it's sometimes once every two days instead. Otherwise, I don't think you should be the one compromising when it comes to this topic. Good luck! ♥

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I would like to clarify due to questions in one of the replies.

I spent a lot of time with my mum in hospital away from my girlfriend. I felt I had to be there as she kept putting herself in harms way by getting up and falling, and also encouraging her to eat and helping her clean. My girlfriend (who was aware of the above), as a result of this, didn’t see me for just shy of a week. I also visited a few consecutive weekends in the month that followed. So she has certainly made sacrifices in terms of the amount of time we have not had together. However in the past 2 months things have returned to normal. I would say I spend around 30 minutes talking to my mum a day, and would do this when we are lounging around the house rather than when we have made plans together. This isn’t every day. In terms of support she offers, it’s difficult to gauge. She will occasionally ask after her. We had some big fights shortly after she came out of hospital, about unrelated (what I would describe as) minor things. Either she was struggling with me being away or I was feeling under pressure - probably a combination. A couple of weeks ago we had a major argument because, when faced with the first time she would come down to see my mum with me, she was shocked that I wouldn’t commit to returning home in the afternoon on the Sunday. She told me it was unreasonable to go for 2 nights in the first place so not returning home until possibly 8 in the evening was not fair and weird. I wasn’t enforcing a late departure time, we just hadn’t made plans yet for the weekend. Like I did in the other example, I tried to explain my reasoning, such as supporting my mum, seeing other family and that it’s 4 hours of travelling, but we could not reach an agreement. I hope this helps clarify.

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I would like to clarify due to questions in one of the replies.

I spent a lot of time with my mum in hospital away from my girlfriend. I felt I had to be there as she kept putting herself in harms way by getting up and falling, and also encouraging her to eat and helping her clean. My girlfriend (who was aware of the above), as a result of this, didn’t see me for just shy of a week. I also visited a few consecutive weekends in the month that followed. So she has certainly made sacrifices in terms of the amount of time we have not had together. However in the past 2 months things have returned to normal. I would say I spend around 30 minutes talking to my mum a day, and would do this when we are lounging around the house rather than when we have made plans together. This isn’t every day. In terms of support she offers, it’s difficult to gauge. She will occasionally ask after her. We had some big fights shortly after she came out of hospital, about unrelated (what I would describe as) minor things. Either she was struggling with me being away or I was feeling under pressure - probably a combination. A couple of weeks ago we had a major argument because, when faced with the first time she would come down to see my mum with me, she was shocked that I wouldn’t commit to returning home in the afternoon on the Sunday. She told me it was unreasonable to go for 2 nights in the first place so not returning home until possibly 8 in the evening was not fair and weird. I wasn’t enforcing a late departure time, we just hadn’t made plans yet for the weekend. Like I did in the other example, I tried to explain my reasoning, such as supporting my mum, seeing other family and that it’s 4 hours of travelling, but we could not reach an agreement. I hope this helps clarify.

 

So to you two months of normalcy is a long time. To her it might not be. Do you have children together or pets who need special attention? What responsibilities did she have to take on while you were away? I also think she doesn't feel particularly close to your mother and my next question would be what are your future plans? Does she want to marry you -do you want to marry her or make a long term commitment? If not then she might not be as invested in your family.

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You would be wise to go to some AlAnon meetings and discover why you are enabling your mother this much. Forget about this particular gf. It's your stance with an alcoholic mother and trying to rescue her that is damaging your life. You need to cut the apron strings. Get help for your enabling/"codependency".

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I can see how your girlfriend would feel a bit pushed aside--especially if this has been an ongoing issue with your mom. She has been a bit of a casualty due to your mom's issues. It is not your mom's fault at all, however!

On the other hand, you also need to care for your family. While I don't think it is strange to take a weekend trip with your mom and sister, I'm sure your girlfriend sees this as you--once again--choosing to spend your time with them (as you have done a LOT lately). She simply wants to be around you.

She needs you to make a plan and stick to it. After four years, she has probably come to rely on you for a lot of different things. She now feels like she can't. That is upsetting her and kind of rocking her boat.

When it comes down to it, you need to find your equilibrium. You need to be solid. You can't continue on shaky ground and expect her to walk easily with you...

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I am the son of two alcoholic parents. What you are doing for your mother is commendable and hard, I know I have been there more than a few times.

 

First off you are doing right by your mother. She has chosen sobriety and is sticking to it and you are being supportive and caring while she tries to get healthy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing so don't question your actions at all. Could you imagine not doing the best you could for your mother and having her fall and die from her injuries? It really doesn't matter that she is an alcoholic or just getting old and needs extra help and attention, you are being a good son.

 

Your girlfriend is a spoiled selfish brat. It is that simple. I couldn't imagine what you have been going through for 4 years with this woman. I see her list of priorities going something like this:

 

1. Her being on top of the pedestal always!

2. Her happiness

3. Her security

4. Her social status

5. Her health

6. Her feeling loved

7. Her entertainment

8. Her plans

9. Her wants

10. Her needs

11. Her desires

12. HER WAY!!!

...

27. Then comes you

 

You are right in this matter and she is wrong, there is no need for compromise and from the way you describe this woman you need a few days away from her.

 

I would strongly suggest you start a new thread about the difficulties in the relationship as a whole. This particular situation is just a symptom or a larger illness.

 

Lost

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No children or pets, so no extra responsibility whilst I am away. She is quite open about not wanting to visit my family. We have had the odd argument on special occasions with my family and I think she is embarrassed to see them because she doesn’t feel that they approve of her. My family have said things in the past to me such as “are you sure this is right” but are always welcoming to her and do not exclude her from anything. I often try and get her and my family together, but there always seems to be an issue which results in her not being willing to come. She often speaks derogatory about my sister and father. Perhaps this has something to do with her opinion about the weekend away. She is open about her commitment to me and often talks of the future/marriage/kids etc. I want that to, but the relationship issues have held us back.

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She does need to be able to get along with your family if she plans to build a life with you. But I don't think she is a spoiled brat. I think she is sad that your pattern has changed.

 

Honestly, she might not be comfortable around a recovering alcoholic. Additionally, it is not your responsibility to keep your mom sober. She has to do that for herself. Is there a chance that she has traded her addiction to alcohol for a codependency on her children? Perhaps some family therapy could help?

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If she feels badly about your family, that's not good. I don't feel there's mutual trust and respect in this relationship and it's eating away at your romance. I'm unsure how calling your mother every night is going to hasten or help your mum's situation at all. Does your mum ask you to check in on her every day? It's important for you be clear with your family and your partner when this ends. I don't think it's normal to be checking in on a family member every single day indefinitely. Your girlfriend needs to know or possibly hear verbally (because some people are like that) when this will end or how you are going to go about setting boundaries going forward with some kind of timeline even if it's a loose timeline. I'd be wary about pursuing any future with someone as mired in pre-existing commitments and issues as you without a strong understanding of proper boundaries and limitations. I'm speaking very frankly here.

 

There seems to be a lot of resentment building and I think all of this can be solved with proper boundaries and setting limits. You seem stuck in a depressing vortex of sadness, preoccupation with your mum's health and not being able to balance this with your future (your girlfriend). This is coming from someone who cared for sick/dying parents so I understand where you're coming from but your partner needs more from you than simply being on the sidelines. She needs to know you haven't checked out or forgotten your future together.

 

The trip to Spain shouldn't be a big deal but the fact that it is and you can't take a trip alone with your sister and mother says a lot. I'd work on those boundaries and work a bit better being able to juggle present commitments and future plans.

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I understand and appreciate people’s different perspectives on mine and hers situation. I fear that because things have been rocky for some time, that this issues just get in the way and avoid us putting good energy into the relationship and making good memories together. I feel that she sees any effort towards other things (family, friends (who I rarely ever see - twice a year maybe), mountain biking etc) as a negative and taking away from her. Sometimes I do feel that seeking enjoyment from other things is the only way to stay sane and take enjoyment front life. Other times I feel like I don’t do enough to engage the relationship. We spend every day and every weekend together and often go for meals/drinks but maybe not weekends away as much. I’m struggling with that at the moment as I am shortly due to be made redundant.

 

However I will say that there are times when I simply completely disagree with her view over some things and neither of us are willing to budge. Some examples being:

- I mentioned the above argument about returning on the Sunday. After explaining why I couldn’t give a time to return home, she started crying saying I’m not helping her anxiety (she has OCD but has never mentioned anxiety before). I said “now your being silly” and she said I am a hypocrite for asking for emotional support for my mental concerns (I won’t go into this) and that I have now set the precedence for how she will act with me going forward.

- one evening she wouldn’t let me sleep by keeping the light on. I have to travel a long way and work long days so I just wanted to get to sleep. I pleaded with her to turn it off but she just kept putting it back on. I asked her why and she couldn’t give me an answer. I said “if your going to be a knob I’ll go sleep in the lounge” she threw a glass of water and me and locked me out on the balcony for over an hour in my underwear. 2 days later she told me it was her OCD.

 

In both situations she will categorically not change her view and because I have insulted her by calling her a name, anything that happens in return is my fault.

 

I recently broke up with her and started looking for a place of my own. She is always very vocal about us breaking up but it hit hard her thinking that I was really done. So she, in floods of tears, pleaded me for another go. This was the Sunday just gone. The most recent disagreement at the start of this post took place yesterday.

 

I am not a perfect boyfriend and don’t claim to be, but sometimes simple common sense prevails, unless I am just totally out of sorts after 4 years of arguments.

 

I would also like to point out that my girlfriend is extremely loving and caring, intelligent and beautiful. She is perfect, until we have a disagreement.

 

This is exhausting....

 

Regarding supporting my mum. My mum hasn’t asked me to or expects me to call her on any basis, or ask me to go down and see her. My frequency of calls is because I want to call her, mostly because I feel that extra support will help her develop a newfound appreciation for things in life that aren’t alcohol. I don’t intend on this being a long term solution. If I were able to see her once a week (for example if I was just down the road and could pop in) I would definitely call less. I have also asked my sister to step up and see mum more to help me out but she is very career focused and works all hours god sends.

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Honestly, I would be livid if someone told me I was being silly when I mentioned my anxiety. And why are you name-calling? That is too juvenile to be present in a relationship. Maybe it is better for both of you that you not be together. She has a few issues to work on and you might need to check your codependency on your mother and your disregard for your girlfriend's issues.

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Good grief. I am no expert on mental health but that does not sound like OCD and it certainly is NOT anxiety. It's emotional manipulation and abuse. I'm referring to the lights on preventing you from sleeping and locking you out on the balcony. This is totally unacceptable and ridiculous. She needs a lot more help than you're able to provide and between your mum and her, this is would be over the top for anyone. I'm not sure why you are debating at all whether she should be in your life. If you do continue to invite her into your life, I think this will be on you (your fault) and no one else's. You should be recognizing that your life should be different from this.

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I get why you want to do this and I also get why you call your mum every day... OP while I agree with you about your trip to Spain, I also agree with your GF about the level of codependency you have with your mum right now... I understand wanting to make the most of your time with her when she is sober, but I think you are also letting your anxiety about her control your life. This is pretty classic behaviour for the family of addicts and alcoholics.

 

Try to find a balance and if you haven’t already, get some help and attend some Alanon meetings in your area.

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Personally, I would not marry and have children with someone who gave me a hard time about my family.

 

What happens when she’s exhausted and has a screaming toddler on her hands and everyone is trying to tell her how to parent (oh yes, most families cross boundaries and do stuff like this) and she needs to pack a caravan full of diapers and wipes and a million changes of clothes to go there. It gets worse, IMO, not better.

 

... and she’s already locking you on the balcony in your underwear and trying to make you sleep with the light on.

 

I’d be running from this personally.

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However I will say that there are times when I simply completely disagree with her view over some things and neither of us are willing to budge. Some examples being:

- I mentioned the above argument about returning on the Sunday. After explaining why I couldn’t give a time to return home, she started crying saying I’m not helping her anxiety (she has OCD but has never mentioned anxiety before). I said “now your being silly” and she said I am a hypocrite for asking for emotional support for my mental concerns (I won’t go into this) and that I have now set the precedence for how she will act with me going forward.

- one evening she wouldn’t let me sleep by keeping the light on. I have to travel a long way and work long days so I just wanted to get to sleep. I pleaded with her to turn it off but she just kept putting it back on. I asked her why and she couldn’t give me an answer. I said “if your going to be a knob I’ll go sleep in the lounge” she threw a glass of water and me and locked me out on the balcony for over an hour in my underwear. 2 days later she told me it was her OCD.

 

In both situations she will categorically not change her view and because I have insulted her by calling her a name, anything that happens in return is my fault.

 

I recently broke up with her and started looking for a place of my own. She is always very vocal about us breaking up but it hit hard her thinking that I was really done. So she, in floods of tears, pleaded me for another go. This was the Sunday just gone. The most recent disagreement at the start of this post took place yesterday.

 

I am not a perfect boyfriend and don’t claim to be, but sometimes simple common sense prevails, unless I am just totally out of sorts after 4 years of arguments.

 

I would also like to point out that my girlfriend is extremely loving and caring, intelligent and beautiful. She is perfect, until we have a disagreement.

 

This is exhausting....

 

She is NOT perfect... I am sure she has her good qualities, however she also behaves like a needy, codependent tyrant that throws tantrums when she is not getting what she wants, and she is dragging you down to her level to the point of you calling her names.

 

Turning the light on and not turning it off? Locking you out on the balcony? Absolutely not okay under any circumstances and both of you are making excuses for her perpetuation of abuse.

 

Time to consider getting outside help and if that doesn't work... getting out.

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