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Thread: Shy or Uninterested?

  1. #1

    Shy or Uninterested?

    Hello everyone,

    I have situation that I need some advice one. My wife passed away about 10 months ago but I have just now decided to date again. Another woman has caught my attention. We work together and she's a few years older than me. I'm in my late 20's and she's in her early 30's. She's very shy even after you get to know her. She's really sweet and humble, and I think she's attractive. From what I can gather she's only had one boyfriend in her life and it was not serious. I approach her nearly everyday for some type of small talk, and occasionally she'll text me and say a few things. She doesn't ever say much but I can't tell if its because she's shy or uninterested.

    I have not been too flirty or anything because I'm just getting back into dating, but I'm not sure if I should be flirty with her. She seems comfortable around me. If I touch her she hasn't backed away but she never touches me. She smiles and laughs and spends her afternoons talking with me but I still get the feeling she's just being nice. Then another part of me says that she doesn't know how to flirt or talk with a man like that. I had another coworker say there seems to be a connection between the two of us.

    I'm thinking of asking her to dinner and I'm bracing for rejection. But you never truly know unless you ask. But I wanted some other opinions too. If this is too vague I'll try to provide more info. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your loss. As for the co-worker, most new relationships end versus succeed, so if you dated and it ended, are you willing to risk the awkwardness of seeing an ex every day? Also, what you're doing at work is being seen by everyone, and treating the place as a romantic social environment is putting you in a poor light professionally. You're supposed to be concentrating on work, not spending afternoons chatting up a pretty lady.

    It's up to you if you want to ask her out or not, since we can't know anymore than you do if she's interested. If she does accept, keep your lengthy social interactions with her outside of work.

  3. #3
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    Don't be "flirty" at work.

    You have her number, so ask her out for a casual dinner date. If she says yes, then be "flirty" at dinner.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Agree with the others. You may be making her and others uncomfortable by flirting in the workplace.

    Also, I am not requesting you specify how your wife passed away, but I have to wonder if you're really ready to date after only 10 months? If her death was expected, perhaps you made peace with it before she actually passed, but even so I think you're rushing things.

    It's unlikely your first dating experience after the passing of your wife will last forever. Don't drag a coworker into your difficult emotional experience. It will backfire and affect your professional life.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Agree with the others. Also, I am not requesting you specify how your wife passed away, but I have to wonder if you're really ready to date after only 10 months? If her death was expected, perhaps you made peace with it before she actually passed, but even so I think you're rushing things.

    It's unlikely your first dating experience after the passing of your wife will last forever. Don't drag a co-worker into your difficult emotional experiences. It will backfire and affect your professional life.
    I agree with this 1000%

  7. #6
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    There are no rules as far as when someone else might be ready to date again. It is a case-by-case basis, and only determined by the person involved. Some are ready right away, some never are. Nothing he said makes me think he must not be ready.

    I'd be interested to hear how long he has known her, if she is aware of his situation, etc.?

    As an aside, I lost a serious romantic partner to a sudden heart-attack (we were not married nor did we live together, so a bit of a different situation) 2 1/2 years ago and I casually date these days but no one has caught my eye so far. Except a man I work with. We are polite to each other and I doubt this man would guess I'm interested in him. It seems he goes out of his way to talk to me sometimes, and a couple of times there has been very mild flirting which only once I returned/responded to. He probably thinks I'M not interested when I very much am, just that (as people have said in this thread) the workplace is not a pick-up joint, I'm there to work. Now if he asked me to dinner, I'd be all over it. Of course, it's also possible that he's just "being nice."

    The only real advice I'd have should this progress to a date, is to NOT be pushy, don't be over-flattering, and don't tell her things like how attractive you find her or how long you've been interested or anything like that. Those things feel like pressure and will make her uncomfortable. Focus on getting to know her, letting her know you, and take it slow. People find partners at the workplace all the time so it can be (and is) done successfully. Good luck. :)

  8. #7
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    Touching or "flirting" or asking a coworker out to dinner...what could possibly go wrong with any of that? (The many reasons should be obvious). As it stands, it sounds like you both are enjoying the small talk and apparently it is not affecting getting work done. Since most of us spend many hours per week at a job with the same people, it is natural that friendships or more develop over time. The key part is over time. I agree with the other posts, you seem to be rushing and this could be a rush to fill a void from your loss of your wife. Coworkers and a job are not for testing dating readiness or attempting to quickly try to move on. If anything, there are dating apps or socializing with non-coworkers to help with getting back out there. In the meantime, enjoy the interacting with her and if it lasts, eventually ask her to join you for lunch.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'd keep it simpler than dinner and ask her out for coffee first and see how it goes.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    10 months is not the length of time I’d describe as ‘ finally’ deciding to date again...

    Are you sure you’re giving yourself enough time to grieve?

    The only way I’d describe 10 months after the death of a spouse as ‘finally’ is if you were in the 1800s with a farm to run and children to rear, since we are lucky to be living in the modern era you are given the luxury to mourn in peace, use the time wisely.

    Also don’t flirt at work... yes privately asking her out would be the best route, but make sure you’re ready.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask her for a casual coffee to scope it out before doing anything too date-like such as dinner since she is a coworker.
    Originally Posted by Qwerty97351
    We work together and she's a few years older than me. I'm in my late 20's and she's in her early 30's. I'm thinking of asking her to dinner and I'm bracing for rejection.

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