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Thread: Constant slave

  1. #11
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    You are largely responsible for this so start by acknowledging that.

    In your last post you said you are living rent free. So really what bills are you talking about?

    You say transportation and phone ?
    Why did you initially pay for her phone if you were not happy to pay out until the contract ends?
    That was actually a Shyte move from you. False security.
    What transportation? Is she using your car?

    You are wrong to move out of your mothers and not let her know.
    You are not communicating properly.
    Give her one months notice to move out , in the meantime stop sleeping in the same bed and let her sleep in a spare room or on the couch.

    Stop paying for her phone. Stop paying for groceries and basically stop giving her the mixed signals that you are.

    And put the trash out yourself if your mum and stepdad don’t do it. You are living rent free!!!
    It doesn’t sound like you are contributing much to them and to the contrary creating a burden?

    Instead of paying your rent you are paying for another’s phone? Sorry but stop calling another irresponsible when you are hardly responsible yourself?

  2. #12
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
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    You definitely need to get out of this situation and move on with your life, and honestly so does she. All the advice above is good - don't just disappear, but rather let her know you've had enough and you'll be moving in a while. Make sure to explain clearly how she bothers you, so she knows better in the future. She's not going to keep a stable job unless she realizes it's her only option to survive, so, after telling her in advance and allowing her for a bit of time to find a job again, stop paying for her things.

  3. #13
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    You are choosing to stay in this situation and excuse it by calling yourself "stuck and helpless".

    What enjoyment are you getting out of this? You must be getting something pleasurable out of it or you would make changes.

  4. #14
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    I’ve been in similar shoes. I get it. I think it stems from being a caring and empathetic person. You see the situation she’s in, you think “what would I want someone to do for me in her shoes” and that’s what drives you. She knows this and she’s taking advantage.

    The thing you need to realize is this - you (or any other healthy person) wouldn’t be in her shoes. She is the creator of her own mess - and for that reason, it’s never going to end. There is a reason that she can’t get along with her family, or her aunt, or hold a job, etc. It’s her.

    There comes a time when you need to love and protect yourself.

    What I did in your shoes was I broke up with him and told him he’d need to start looking for a place to live. And then I shut down. I left in the morning, kept myself busy all day, and came home late at night to sleep. I ignored every tear, every guilt trip, the pleading, the mind games, etc. I did not engage in conversation at all. If he said anything at all (ie: good morning), I would reply with “have you figured out where you are going? Have you found a job?”. That’s it. I told him I would give him half my savings so he could eat and live and figure himself out - for first month’s rent or whatever ($1000) and offered to buy him a train ticket to his grandmother if that’s what he decided (who also lived 8 hours away and he didn’t want to go there).

    He eventually left. He kinda had to choice. I made living with me as intolerable and unsustainable as possible.

    You aren’t “throwing her on the street”. She has options. She doesn’t like those options - but that’s not your problem.

    Personally, I may or may not have gone above and beyond what i needed to do - but it was what I was able to live with. At the end of the day, you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and feel ok about it. But you don’t need to be a doormat about it and you need to take care of yourself first.

    For what it’s worth, I did end up talking to him again about 10 years later. He had tried through the years but I ignored him. He now has an awesome career and a beautiful home in an affluent neighborhood. He apologized and he thanked me. He acknowledged that he needed a kick in the pants and to hit rock bottom in order to turn his life around.

    Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Right now you are enabling her behavior. You need to cut it off for BOTH of you. Find your strength. Find your resolve. Figure out what you’ll be ok with and just do it. It takes incredible strength but future you will thank you for it.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by DimaDemerzel
    You definitely need to get out of this situation and move on with your life, and honestly so does she. All the advice above is good - don't just disappear, but rather let her know you've had enough and you'll be moving in a while. Make sure to explain clearly how she bothers you, so she knows better in the future. She's not going to keep a stable job unless she realizes it's her only option to survive, so, after telling her in advance and allowing her for a bit of time to find a job again, stop paying for her things.
    People like the girlfriend usually find someone else to sponge off. Hopefully, the behavior will change.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oh my, living with the lazy ex. That's a nightmare scenario.

    I usually don't like to give advice, I just give facts. But I have to ask... why are you allowing this ex, who should be no concern of yours, to live in the house and leach off of you, and use you?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    \
    What I did in your shoes was I broke up with him and told him he’d need to start looking for a place to live. And then I shut down. I left in the morning, kept myself busy all day, and came home late at night to sleep. I ignored every tear, every guilt trip, the pleading, the mind games, etc. I did not engage in conversation at all. If he said anything at all (ie: good morning), I would reply with “have you figured out where you are going? Have you found a job?”. That’s it..
    ^^ This

    And I will add that there is something very powerful about telling someone this is `nonnegotiable' or `it's not open for debate'
    You will quickly learn that you've been part of the crazy dance when she goes into her tirade of all that's wrong and tantrums telling you how horrible you are.

    Be calm and firm. Don't debate, defend or try to convince. Have conviction in your decision, give her a time line and be prepared to stand behind it. Don't do the crazy dance with her.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Do I just say f* it and let her fend for herself???
    Yep. You'd be surprised how quickly she can reverse this if she's forced to do it on her own.

  10. #19
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    Go back and read your post as if a friend is asking you for advice. Do you really not know what you need to do? Time for her to go.

  11. #20
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    She's an adult, and it's not your job to raise her. On another note, I'm baffled at why your Mom would allow this nonsense to go on in her home.

    I'd give her a two week notice to get her **** together, and get out.

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