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Thread: I am conflicted about what this means...

  1. #1
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    I am conflicted about what this means...

    (THIS IS REALLY LONG IM SORRY, IF YOU READ IT ALL ILY OKAY, I REALLY NEED ADVICE, SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM FOR THE QUESTION/SUMMARY)

    Okay, so about 6 or 7 years ago while I was still in high school I met a guy who I really liked. The thing is I met this guy right before my family moved me 1000 miles away literally. So I totally fell for him and we became fast friends and for a while he had friend zoned me but then he eventually started to reciprocate his feelings towards me back. It was really bad timing to be honest.

    Eventually I had a going away/birthday party and I invited him, and my friend pulled him aside at the end of the party to convince him to give me a goodbye kiss since I was leaving. So I pretty much got my first kiss that night. So basically after, we hung out everyday that week up until moving day. He even told me a family member of his was living down where I was moving and that he would be visiting me when he went down there the next two weeks. Which he did, and he even spent the night with my family and I at my house and it was great. He really seemed to like me and all our fiends and family knew of us and they thought he cared for me. He even said at some point he wanted to do long distance but it didnít work out that way since we were so young and in our teens still.

    Okay, so fast forward a little and eventually he started becoming cold and distant and we started arguing and most of the time in text or Skype, and it would end with me subbing him in an angry FB post he would later see. Eventually he stopped talking to me and blocked me on social media and a few months later was talking to someone new and dating them. It didnít take long for it to become a cycle where, when he broke up with someone he was dating her quickly unblocked me and would try to talk to me again, get bored, and start talking to someone new, then blocking me once more. Everytime we started talking again I would pretend like nothing happened and it wasnít a dumb rebound cycle.

    So to make this short, this cycle pretty much kept up on and off for the last few years since weíve known each other, and the actual last time I had seen him in person was the few months after I had moved where I visited back home, and he honestly kind of played me then too. I heard through the grapevine and from seeing the pages of the people heíd date that he was in some pretty serious relationships but they never seemed to end well, and well then he was eventually trying to find me and put me back in his radar again even though I live far.

    Okay so fast forward even more to very recently, a month or two ago, we reconnected through social media after nearly 2 years of not speaking to each other bc he was in a pretty serious relationship this time and they broke up a half a year ago, and I was really missing him so I spoke with him a little. I was due for a visit home actually and I told him so, and he said that we would maybe see each other. Sooo, we made plans to see each other when I went up there. Eventually our talking got us on the topic of us both being single and reminiscing about what we had as kids and then we started talking randomly about sex. I had realized then that I had been a virgin so long and seeing how comfortable I was around him in the past, I knew heíd be a great candidate for my first time. So we discussed it, I told him the truth, and bam, I officially had my plans when I went up there.

    So I visited back home and he was actually the person I first saw. All these years later and he still looked the same but more handsome, and he said the same of me. It felt great seeing him again since I thought I never was going to see him again tbh. We kissed again and it was the same as all the years before... I really felt a connection again, and he said my lips felt the same. We hung out and caught up and eventually we went back to his house which brought back memories. We eventually had sex in his room while his family was home (asleep) and he really made the effort to make the first experience for me comfortable and feel good. He really took his time with foreplay and he pleased me before himself. He kissed me all over and kissed me tenderly as we had intercourse, and he asked if I was okay, and told me I was okay when I would moan. If it hurt he would stop and try to help me loosen up before going again. Afterwards, we cuddled a very short amount of time, he kissed me on my lips, neck, chest, and lastly my forehead which really made it feel special for me.

    What made this feel even better was how he made the effort to come get me when where I was visiting and staying at was almost an hour away from him. He picked me up and dropped me off even though it was sort of an inconvenience for him, I guess he really wanted to see me. He even bought me food after, and before we left his house he kissed and hugged me some more also. When he dropped me off we made out tenderly before I got it of the car and cuddled a little, and he didnít leave until I got inside the house, which I thought was super sweet and gentlemanly of him. This whole time we spent together, it seemed like he really cared, especially for my first time and for it being us seeing each other after so long. I had no idea where we would stand after I went back home though, but I already figured we may never talk again after this, so I just tried to enjoy it. This whole situation happened twice in my whole trip.

    So I saw him again about three days ago, the day before I was due to go back home, and we had sex again. It was the same tender loving cycle but it seemed a bit more rushed I guess. Both times weíd spent together he displayed both signs that he was being sort of distant but also like he really cared for me so Iím confused. For instance, this time after the sex, he got up quickly and began dressing and looking at me to get dressed and went upstairs quickly to prepare to take me back, but afterwards in the car he let me hug and kiss him and tel him I had a great time, and that didnít know when I would see him again, to which he replied that I would see him and he wanted to visit me.

    He also mentioned how we could hang out a little longer if I wanted but that he had to work early in the morning, but it wasnít as late as it was the first time we hung out and he had to work that morning too. Anyways during this recent drive back I stayed particularly quiet and he kept putting his hand on my leg and asking me what I was thinking about, turning the music down to listen to me, and letting me hold and kiss his hand and kissing me at the lights. So I guess Iím just confused on why he wanted to get up from bed to drop me off so quickly and then he was tender and sweet afterwards, even kissing me goodbye while holding me and waiting for me to get inside again.

    Both times he texted me to either see how I was doing or tell me he had a great time and to have a safe flight. Now the last time I spoke to him was 2 days ago, through social media, where we said we missed each other. I have not tried initiating anything and neither has he.

    Do you think he will ghost me after all this effort to see each other and have sex twice, and was it possibly just meaningless to him so that he could get some? Iím not sure if he may ghost me because I live far and thereís nothing that can be done about it or if he really will continue to talk to me, and potentially visit in the future.

    Any advice on this is greatly appreciated! I would love to hear some similar stories and situations to go about this and see if maybe I should just cut him off before he does me, or continue staying connected with him after all thatís happened....

    (THANK YOU FOR READING)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Uhg.
    You aren't going to like what I have to say.

    To be honest, I get a really bad feeling from reading your post. You've been emotionally available to him all of these years and while he's gone on and had relationships, he was always welcome to pop back into your life for some in between attention seeking thing - until which time he finds someone else to have a real relationship with just to push you aside again and again.

    What a great guy to decide he should be your first! The way you shared the making of that decision, it seemed very one sided, but you blindly agreed to it.

    My friend, a man will drive an hour for sex. It doesn't mean much. It's considered a very minimal effort. Has he ever taken you out on a legitimate date?

    The reason he jumped out of bed and took you home is an indication that he either has a conscious or he recognizes that all of this means something entirely different to you. He felt he was crossing over into something he had no intention on going through with.

    How this plays out, I don't want to predict. But let's go with this fact - I live far and thereís nothing that can be done about it or if he really will continue to talk to me, and potentially visit in the future.

    If it's a relationship you are after with this dude, this is your answer. There is nothing in this for you at this time. Unless you don't mind having this guy be your first and chalking this up to an experience.

    Hold out for someone who is equally interested in you. In the meantime, tell this guy you are holding out for someone who deserves you. All of you.

    I'm trying to be firm and gentle with you at the same time because you seem so endearing. If you were my daughter, I'd give it to you straight. Be done with this guy. He's really not that nice to you.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 06-19-2019 at 08:56 PM.

  3. #3
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    Okay, so I forgot to mention, I knew this was supposed to be a casual encounter the whole time, because I didnít expect anything to come out of it, but I also really wanted to have sex, and we were both available at the time and I was comfortable. After all that bull I mean it was still a pretty good first time and I wanted to take it more as fun and a learning experience. I guess I got blinded by how good it was tbh... but now Iím starting to see that after all this we really might end up in the same terms of not speaking again. Iím just wondering if I should initiate this first or not, because so far he hasnít done anything wrong this time around and may take it somehow wrong if I just cut him off out of nowhere. It feels wrong but like a good bout of revenge. But I also feel like this time around after seeing him again could have been different? But idk. I just wanted to know if I should just cut ties while I still have him in my radar to avoid him doing it to me first or something...

  4. #4
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    I have a slightly more positive spin :)

    I think he cares about you. Itís hard to say he doesnít care about you AT ALL when youíve had an on/off relationship for years - most of which did not include sex. So yeah, I would say he cares.

    But caring about you and wanting a relationship with you are two different things.

    I think heís been pretty clear throughout the years that heís not into the long distance thing. I donít think sex changes that at all. I think you can expect more of the same from him.

    Generally speaking, IMO, when a man gets up right after sex (unless youíve been in a relationship a long time) - it means he doesnít want to cuddle and pillow talk and stir up or nurture feelings.

    I think he cares about you as a person, and wanted to make sure it was a good experience for you (which it was) - which is why he was being tender... but I think thatís all it was.

    Ultimately, yes, I think heís going to go distant and/or ghost. Best not to get your hopes up.

    Edited to say: itís entirely up to you if you want to cut him off first or not. Itís whatever you feel will hurt less. But I donít think you need to get ďrevengeĒ? He gave you exactly what you asked for and agreed to. Not sure why youíd be mad about that...

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shesmaudlin
    Okay, so I forgot to mention, I knew this was supposed to be a casual encounter the whole time, because I didnít expect anything to come out of it, but I also really wanted to have sex, and we were both available at the time and I was comfortable. After all that bull I mean it was still a pretty good first time and I wanted to take it more as fun and a learning experience. I guess I got blinded by how good it was tbh... but now Iím starting to see that after all this we really might end up in the same terms of not speaking again. Iím just wondering if I should initiate this first or not, because so far he hasnít done anything wrong this time around and may take it somehow wrong if I just cut him off out of nowhere. It feels wrong but like a good bout of revenge. But I also feel like this time around after seeing him again could have been different? But idk. I just wanted to know if I should just cut ties while I still have him in my radar to avoid him doing it to me first or something...
    well, it sounds like you have a good handle on this.

    What to do? How about nothing? Get busy with your life and if he reaches to say hello, you do the same without assigning a lot of meaning to it.

    When in doubt, do nothing. Don't do anything until you know better. Time is your friend here.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RedDress


    Edited to say: itís entirely up to you if you want to cut him off first or not. Itís whatever you feel will hurt less. But I donít think you need to get ďrevengeĒ? He gave you exactly what you asked for and agreed to. Not sure why youíd be mad about that...
    Yah, the revenge comment is suspect.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by RedDress

    Edited to say: itís entirely up to you if you want to cut him off first or not. Itís whatever you feel will hurt less. But I donít think you need to get ďrevengeĒ? He gave you exactly what you asked for and agreed to. Not sure why youíd be mad about that...
    I AGREE.
    you flew to him because you wanted to lose your virginity.

    Unless you move closer to his area or he moves closer to yours, there isn't going to be a serious relationship here.
    its going to be when you both happen to be single and one of you is visiting the other's area by happenstance.
    I encourage you, like he already did, to find a relationship nearby to you.

  9. #8
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    We eventually had sex in his room while his family was home (asleep) and he really made the effort to make the first experience for me comfortable and feel good.

    I would NOT feel special about having sex with someone's family in the same house sleeping. But that's just me!
    he got up right away because you probably were not supposed to be sleeping in the same room together under his parents' roof or to make sure he didn't wake them/or the family didn't wake up and you were in bed with him.
    I would have expected for you both to have gotten a hotel room or something.

  10. #9
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    OK, chalk it up to you wanting to be intimate with him in a way that you found meaningful, connected. And further, you thinking he was in the same zone, same feelings.

    I hate to tell ya, but even if he likes you and was willing and interested in sexual encounters, this guy is not even as emotionally invested in you as you want him to be.

    If I were you, I would not invest any more time or emotions on him. Instead, figure out what makes you happy and seek a person to share that happiness within an hour's travel from wherever you live.



    It doesn't make him a bad person, but he is not what you seek.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Think of this the same way you would think of a fun vacation encounter. It's not a relationship.

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