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Thread: Itís officially over, I couldnít take it anymore

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by starlight588
    I know itís not healthy, but I do have hope that over time she will miss me a lot.
    Naaah, it's not unhealthy. Most people hold at least a seed of hope, if they're honest with themselves. I don't believe in berating yourself in an attempt to squelch hope, but rather, I've always opted for a much gentler approach: trusting in the wisdom that comes from reaching 'higher ground'.

    I trust the future to teach me how invested I'll want to remain in the idea that, if ex and I are truly a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday--but far into the future--because enough time needs to pass for each of us to have reached that higher ground on our own.

    This motivates me to invest in my own development. I start with the technique I mentioned above, where I move my focus onto rekindling bonds with people I've neglected while my focus was on the ex. There is a reason for this. You can't 'imagine' the startling outcomes this commitment to others will bring, you must experience it rather than 'think about' it, because it will shift your perspective beyond what you can 'see' at present.

    You don't need to be 'up' for playing the entertainer, all you need to do is show up and avoid complaining about your problems. Encourage your friends and family to talk about themselves. Allow your ego to take a back seat to relaxing and listening to your loved ones. Make commitments you won't break to help with their mundane errands or projects--simple stuff, like joining them as they wash a car or paint a room or weed a garden.

    You will thank yourself each time you invest in someone else and feel valued, appreciated and humbled by how fortunate you are to have this person in your life. You will bypass the droopy singles scene where you attempt to attract a new lover to help you feel less awful, and instead you will build REAL bonds with those you've taken for granted.

    This begins a process of new vision. It will ground you, stabilize you, and bring you new insight that will inspire you to create your own projects and goals, form new friendships around new interests, and recognize that any potential lover who doesn't own the capacity to appreciate your unique value (in the way that your family and friends do), it only speaks of their limited vision rather than of any deficiency in you.

    This will raise your inner value and your bar on future pursuits in your love life. You will learn how to never settle for anything less than true simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and remains fully invested in you. This is, in part, some of the new perspective you'll gain from reaching for your own higher ground.

    Originally Posted by starlight588
    I donít want to have false hope, but I guess itís a normal stage. Is there any chance she will come back if I stick to NC?
    Nobody can answer this, but no contact and a focus on your own forward movement and healing is your percentage play. You'll either gain the perspective to handle your ex on higher ground someday, or you'll begin to view ex as less and less relevant over time. Either way, it's a win, but you'll need to do the work in order to reach the place where you can see more clearly. Family and friend 'grounding' will lift you there. Dwelling on the ex will not.

  2. #22
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    She came by my workplace today. She kept staring at me and seemed really sad. We didnít talk. But clearly the sadness is strong.

  3. #23
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    Thank you catfeeder for your very helpful reply. I have started doing that, and really spending more time with those that care about me. I have done a goal to myself to do goals for myself that make me happy; going on a trip next month, starting my own music project with a friend, working out more, reading a new book per month, and getting back in spirituality.

    But Iím stuck with moments of hard sadness, missing her, and almost texting her. But Iím proud I havenít and itís been a week. When I feel like texting her, I text my therapist instead (he wants me to text him when Iím not feeling well) and itís helped. But I still have this thought and feeling Iím stuck with:

    Did I do the right thing? Iím making myself miserable by not having her in my life at all? Was this a mean thing? Maybe I can handle just having her there for me as a friend?

    But then I remember: I donít just want to be her friend or text buddy. I want her. I donít want her to be in a relationship and be actively looking for someone new other than me, it kills me. Who am I kidding? I feel like a chump just being there and waiting for little texts or seeing her once every few weeks.

    I do hope, and hope she will contact me again. I hope she will reflect and miss me. I hope she will realize what she lost.

    Any advice? Anything please. Please someone give me some encouragement.

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