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It’s officially over, I couldn’t take it anymore


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Last night, I officially ended things with my ex. I should have done it a long time ago but it reached its limit last night.

 

We had been dating for about a year, and she got confused a few times. We semi-broke up in December when she went away and wanted to “experiment” another girl in a threesome. I was devastated and we decided to still see each other but with no expectations and spend time together (having sex, cuddling, hanging out etc) we would talk to each other daily and every two weeks or so we’d see each other. She wanted me to meet other people and throughout that time I did go on dates and even met a girl I really liked but it didn’t work out.

 

This past month we only saw each other once and didn’t text as much, but stil l every few days we would. We were planning to hang out next week and she brought up that she still wants me in her life and see me, but to not be physical anymore. No more kissing, no more cuddles nothing. I can’t do that. She knows I always wanted to be with her and she said that her head is now clear and that by doing things with me it will blurry her head since she still feels something for me. I told her why do we have to do that if she still feels something for me? She just feels she will get confused because she wants to meet the person that she meant to be with forever.

 

A few times throughout our relationship she got confused, one minute she wanted to be with me, another minute she wasn’t sure she saw a future with me, etc we broke up once last year and she contacted me to get back together and it was bliss but during the holidays she got confused again and wanted to explore this other girl in a threesome.

 

I’m the first girl she dated (I’m a lesbian, she is bisexual) we are both 29. She is fully in the closet and I never pressured her to come out. But she would say that she didn’t want to come out with me unless she was really sure about me.

 

Anyways, I think I let this go on for way too long. I told her I didn’t want to be just a texting buddy and see her just once in a while if we can’t even touch each other. I said “you know I always wanted to be with you. I would in a heartbeat but I prefer we don’t talk at all if I’m just going to be a text buddy. I said don’t text me at all, only if you ever change your mind about me”

She was crying and really didn’t want me to leave her life and still wanted me there. But I can’t do this, it’s too much now. So I deleted her from Facebook, unfollowed her from Instagram and deleted her number.

 

It’s been really hard because we were really into each other’s lives. But now saying I can’t even touch her anymore because she really wants to meet other people and doesn’t want me to confuse her, just really hurt me and I can’t do this.

 

I’m hurt and I miss her. I’m not sure what the future holds but it’s officially over for now.

 

I need some advice please.

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I’m sorry OP... there isn’t any advice I have that will take the pain away, I will say that you have done the right thing by cutting contact with her and going forward establish boundaries so she doesn’t try and pull you back in... she doesn’t know what she wants in life and you don’t need that kind of instability I’m sure.

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You did the right thing, OP.

 

If she was not fully out of the closet, she was not yet right with herself. When you know who you are and are confident in who you are, you want to share that with other people.

 

You can’t love others properly until you love yourself first. She’s just not there.

 

If there was ever a case of “it’s not you, it’s me”, i think this was clearly it.

 

She needed time to explore, time for self-discovery, time to love herself.

 

You were best to move on. She was unintentionally stringing you along - and it likely would not have changed anytime soon.

 

You need someone who is ready for YOU and all the awesomeness that you are. Someone who is ready and excited to claim you as their own.

 

Good for you, OP! Now you are free to find the right person who is ready and waiting for you.

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If she clears herself out and wants me

Back she knows she can contact me. But in the mean time I must go away from her. She said she will respect my decision and not talk to me. I told her she can reach me out if she changes her mind. I still have a strong feeling she will. She was saying she is on dating sites and I can’t bear to be her text buddy and always wondering what she is doing. It hurts like hell though, I’m cornered I can’t win either way.

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Star you did the right thing. You were NOT her primary interest....and she made that clear. What a crappy thing to do and say to someone!! Heal your great big heart for someone who actually really and truly deserves it!!! You will find it. I promise!💕

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I just really miss her. I was going through a lot too when she told me this no touching rule. I also told her “don’t think that I wanted to see other people. You encouraged me by telling me to go see them, I would have never done so, I am always sure about you”

There is nothing I can do.

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I'd take from this the value of learning why it's best to make a clean break from anyone who isn't All In. That starts your healing from Day 1 rather than keeping you miserable for months because they're too cowardly to set you free.

 

Trust that anyone who is a meant-to-be deal can figure that out with reflection on their own, without your attempts at influence. If an ex ever wants to fully reconcile, credit them with the ability to catch up with you as you move forward instead. Hovering only kills any chance that they will ever respect you enough to rekindle desire, because it demonstrates that you don't respect your Self.

 

Head high, and make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this. You will thank yourself later.

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Thank you all for your replies. It’s been incredibly hard. I just let myself feel what I have to feel. I just feel that I was cornered, I couldn’t continue without being physical. I can’t just be friends with her. Just A little more than two weeks ago we had a nice time together.

 

She was sad and crying that I didn’t want her in my life if we weren’t physical anymore. She’s on sites meeting others and I don’t just want to be there like an idiot. I did say some things out of anger “I’m just your dirty little secret” which angered her and hurt her. But I apologized after and told her I was hurt and it’s really hard for me. She knows how I feel so if she wants to come back, she can reach out. Thought?

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Pulling the plug always hurts, that's why sites like this one even exist. You did the right thing. Don't be anyone's experiment or secret.

I’m the first girl she dated (I’m a lesbian, she is bisexual) we are both 29. She is fully in the closet and I never pressured her to come out. But she would say that she didn’t want to come out with me unless she was really sure about me.

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Can someone please remind me why I did the right thing?

 

I’m going through a lot right now too. My best friend whom I’m closest too is going through a relapse of drugs and is in psychosis and won’t talk to me. A girl I met whom I really liked lee me

Off and now this. I’m feeling really down.

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Because you're torturing yourself in the long run to stay friends with someone who you want to be more but who won't reciprocate.

 

How do you think you're gonna feel when you're the shoulder for her to lean on until she finds another person to share that with and more. She still gonna wanna you around then? Will her partner?

 

She wants you as a friend now because it's a comfort to her, and you want her around because you want her... But you can't have her so you're just torturing yourself with something you can't have.

 

Clean break always better in these situations.

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After she had the three some it was clear she didn’t want a future with me, but we really wanted to continue seeing each other and having sex and all that because we really enjoyed each other’s company. But now “her head is clear and me being physical with her will only confuse her because she feels she will take 3 steps backwards” it’s just I’m going through a lot right now. If she has any chance of changing her mind about me, this is the only way, time and me healing and her seeing life without me.

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"We had been dating for about a year, and she got confused a few times."

 

She was never as into you as you were into her. There's nothing you could have done, she wasn't a long term girlfriend. She came into your life for a brief time to teach you something. Take what you can from it and head towards the next adventure. There will come a time where you will know what this relationship was for in your life, and you will be glad to have had it, and glad that it hadn't lasted. That time may be far off... but you can work to bring it closer if you start focusing on what lessons are there to be taken from this experience, and less on whether or not you made the right decisions or could have done anything differently.

 

At the very least - I think you have learned that you want to be with someone who is as confident about their feelings for you as you are for them. Someone you DON'T have to try to convince to stay. The less time you spend on someone who doesn't fit that bill, the more you can spend trying to find that person.

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Can anyone else give me some thoughts. I’m feeling really crappy. I keep thinking there is something I could’ve done.

 

There was nothing you could have done except for cut her off completely and cleanly the first time. This would have raised her respect for you along with your self respect, and it was your best shot of allowing her to learn what her life would be like without you in it. Instead you stuck around for breadcrumbs, which gave her a comfortable way to wean herself off of you while confirming for her that she doesn't respect you enough to form a future with you.

 

So your current choice is to keep drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by stagnating your focus on your past, or you can move yourself out of you own way, and put your focus on helping out the people in your life who you've neglected in favor of stagnation. Committing yourself to helping your friends and family with their projects, errands, yard work, or treating them to a meal or an event may not sound motivating, unless you focus on creating great memories for them while you're not capable of enjoying much yourself at the moment.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If you wait until you 'feel like' strengthening your bonds with the people in your life, you'll sink yourself into that deeper hole and will continue to feel lousy until you make a better choice. Involvement with others, and making your time about them-not-me, will ground you and move your focus beyond the ex. This will help you 'normalize' and it will inspire you to begin pursuing new interests and friendships as you heal.

 

Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, we need to participate. It's a decision.

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Thank you indefinitely for your kind words and replies guys.

 

I am helping myself heal: I went out to a friends show last night, forcing myself to keep busy doing errands and taking care of myself, I’m going to go to the gym later and I went to go see my therapist a few days ago. I am trying my best, and letting myself feel whatever it is I need to feel. I know it will pass. I know I did the right thing for myself.

 

 

I have deep regrets that I should’ve ended it during the holidays when she went away and had that three some. Even though when she came back and her words said she didn’t see a future with me, we continued being affectionate and spending time together. I gave her all she needed and was always there, and didn’t leave time for her to worry about me not being there. Just recently how she said “I feel I took two steps forward and if we get physical it willing be three steps back for me, I will get blurry if we get physical” shows me she is still confused about me, and perhaps wants to meet a man and doesn’t want me to confuse her.

 

I can’t stick in the past. But I feel sad of losing her. She was crying on the phone because she didn’t want me out of her life totally.

 

It’s best for both of us. I can heal and move on and try to meet someone who will 100 percent sure of me. She may meet someone, or overtime miss me and she may come back realizing that life without me is hard and that she did after all really feel something for me.

 

Time will tell.

 

I know it’s not healthy, but I do have hope that over time she will miss me a lot. And that time away will make her realize her life without me. And that after all, she does want to be with me. It’s the only way to see if there ever was something there for her. No matter what, I am 100% sticking to no contact.

 

Time away is the only way, no matter how much it hurts. She is used to me always being there, no matter what, but now I am gone. My therapist says she will for sure eventually reach out and miss me but that if she does, the only way is if she clarifies her feelings and wants to be with me 100%

 

No half way, no friends with benefits, no just friends, but a committed relationship where she is sure and that she tells her family and friends about me.

 

I don’t want to have false hope, but I guess it’s a normal stage. Is there any chance she will come back if I stick to NC?

 

She came back the first time after 2 weeks of NC, and sent me this long sentimental text of how much I meant to her. That is why I am wondering.

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What she said is in no way a promise.

 

Many, many people say the same thing because they think it will hurt the other person less. Also because they want to be sure the other person remains available to them if they choose to seek them out for any reason (not necessarily reconciliation).

 

Your therapist is probably correct. She will reach out and give you the same wishy washy answers she's giving you now. Only you can decide if that's good enough.

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I know it’s not healthy, but I do have hope that over time she will miss me a lot.

 

Naaah, it's not unhealthy. Most people hold at least a seed of hope, if they're honest with themselves. I don't believe in berating yourself in an attempt to squelch hope, but rather, I've always opted for a much gentler approach: trusting in the wisdom that comes from reaching 'higher ground'.

 

I trust the future to teach me how invested I'll want to remain in the idea that, if ex and I are truly a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday--but far into the future--because enough time needs to pass for each of us to have reached that higher ground on our own.

 

This motivates me to invest in my own development. I start with the technique I mentioned above, where I move my focus onto rekindling bonds with people I've neglected while my focus was on the ex. There is a reason for this. You can't 'imagine' the startling outcomes this commitment to others will bring, you must experience it rather than 'think about' it, because it will shift your perspective beyond what you can 'see' at present.

 

You don't need to be 'up' for playing the entertainer, all you need to do is show up and avoid complaining about your problems. Encourage your friends and family to talk about themselves. Allow your ego to take a back seat to relaxing and listening to your loved ones. Make commitments you won't break to help with their mundane errands or projects--simple stuff, like joining them as they wash a car or paint a room or weed a garden.

 

You will thank yourself each time you invest in someone else and feel valued, appreciated and humbled by how fortunate you are to have this person in your life. You will bypass the droopy singles scene where you attempt to attract a new lover to help you feel less awful, and instead you will build REAL bonds with those you've taken for granted.

 

This begins a process of new vision. It will ground you, stabilize you, and bring you new insight that will inspire you to create your own projects and goals, form new friendships around new interests, and recognize that any potential lover who doesn't own the capacity to appreciate your unique value (in the way that your family and friends do), it only speaks of their limited vision rather than of any deficiency in you.

 

This will raise your inner value and your bar on future pursuits in your love life. You will learn how to never settle for anything less than true simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and remains fully invested in you. This is, in part, some of the new perspective you'll gain from reaching for your own higher ground.

 

I don’t want to have false hope, but I guess it’s a normal stage. Is there any chance she will come back if I stick to NC?

 

Nobody can answer this, but no contact and a focus on your own forward movement and healing is your percentage play. You'll either gain the perspective to handle your ex on higher ground someday, or you'll begin to view ex as less and less relevant over time. Either way, it's a win, but you'll need to do the work in order to reach the place where you can see more clearly. Family and friend 'grounding' will lift you there. Dwelling on the ex will not.

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Thank you catfeeder for your very helpful reply. I have started doing that, and really spending more time with those that care about me. I have done a goal to myself to do goals for myself that make me happy; going on a trip next month, starting my own music project with a friend, working out more, reading a new book per month, and getting back in spirituality.

 

But I’m stuck with moments of hard sadness, missing her, and almost texting her. But I’m proud I haven’t and it’s been a week. When I feel like texting her, I text my therapist instead (he wants me to text him when I’m not feeling well) and it’s helped. But I still have this thought and feeling I’m stuck with:

 

Did I do the right thing? I’m making myself miserable by not having her in my life at all? Was this a mean thing? Maybe I can handle just having her there for me as a friend?

 

But then I remember: I don’t just want to be her friend or text buddy. I want her. I don’t want her to be in a relationship and be actively looking for someone new other than me, it kills me. Who am I kidding? I feel like a chump just being there and waiting for little texts or seeing her once every few weeks.

 

I do hope, and hope she will contact me again. I hope she will reflect and miss me. I hope she will realize what she lost.

 

Any advice? Anything please. Please someone give me some encouragement.

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