Help me please.

[Cledi]

Hello, I met a girl online and we spoke for a couple weeks, not too much but we phoned for 4 hours a time a few times and then she came over. She came over and we had a really nice time, we did sexual things together and the day after she went home (I was going to go with her however we decided it’d be best if we waited until the weekend or the next week; which is now this week) and I took her to the train station and she left without any issues and I was really excited to see her again. I messaged her saying I hope she had a nice time and that I can’t wait for us to see each other again and she assured me she had a wonderful time and that was it. All of a sudden she started going cold and not messaging, she didn’t message for the rest of the night except saying “I’m dealing with stuff right now, just need time” and I basically had to beg her (as I thought it was something about us) to message me. She then said that it’s nothing to do with me however she just wants time and space and that she never meant to hurt me (also said I’m already attached and we’re not even official, which I am but I can’t help that) I then messaged her mum, asked for her advice and she just said to make sure she’s knows I support her and she told me what had been going on (she told me about her ex and how he treated her which was really, really bad) and my ‘girlfriend’ had already told me that her child is in care and she’s trying to get him back. She messaged me about speaking to her mum and told me I shouldn’t have got her involved so I just replied saying I was sorry and that I just wanted her advice and that I’ll message her in a couple days.

A day or so go by and I try my luck, asking whether she’s okay and I managed to get a reply saying that she’s not too great and she’ll message me the next day. I say that’s fine and the next day comes; she didn’t message so I decided to message her asking if she felt like speaking later on and she said it depends how she felt so I said I’ll message her later on. Later on comes and I message her, she said she didn’t feel like speaking on the phone but that we could stick to messaging. I ask her a few questions like if she’s ready for us to see each other again and that I really want to be there for her and make her feel better but she blanks me. I then say I’ll message her the next day (today) and I did saying I hope she feels alright (once again blanked) and then I asked if she’d be down for a phone call at 10pm (this was at about 9:20pm) and once again, blanked however I said please let me know if you don’t want me to call because if not I won’t call. She then responded saying she feels a bit ty so she probably won’t answer. I said I’ll try at 10 anyway so then I can cheer her up if she picks up. I ring, no answer so I messaged her saying I’ll message tomorrow and a few other things, blanked again.

Sorry for that but I’m just so conflicted and hurt, this is the first time I’ve felt like this about someone and I’m awful and giving people time and space as I just get so bored without speaking to her and I feel useless that she won’t speak to me. I’d just like some advice really, I do hope she starts to feel better soon but I just needed to get it off of my chest.

[reinventmyself]

Sorry for that but I’m just so conflicted and hurt, this is the first time I’ve felt like this about someone and I’m awful and giving people time and space as I just get so bored without speaking to her and I feel useless that she won’t speak to me. I’d just like some advice really, I do hope she starts to feel better soon but I just needed to get it off of my chest.

There is no conflict. This woman told you straight up that she wasn't interested. From there you continue to reach out to her and now her actions are further validating the fact that she still isn't interested. At this rate you are subject to a restraining order.

Having said this, you do seem very lonely and hungry for some company. Please don't rely on the kindness of strangers on the internet, who much like this woman who may have used you for a moments comfort and wasn't interested in any thing further.

Do you have any family, friends or interests that you can cultivate? Join a club, go to church, take a class.

My concern is that not only are you overstepping here, you can be vulnerable to someone who wants to take advantage of you.

[Cope]

Well the one mistake you made in this post is that you think you can't help your behavior, but you really can! This requires therapy though. I strongly advise you to get some.

You felt too much, too soon and you demanded from her to basically feel what you're feeling. All the calls and texts show this. You didn't even give her space when she asked for it. She on the other hand, should've been clearer and ended it when she first knew that it wasn't going to work.

What you're going through is common, a lot of people behave like you, that doesn't mean it's healthy. The good news is that it's completely fixable, but with therapy. If you want to stop feeling this way, it's the only way out.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to let her go. It's going to be hard. You have came to the right place though, you will find great support here! Be open to all the advice you get!

[katrina1980]

Sorry for that but I’m just so conflicted and hurt, this is the first time I’ve felt like this about someone and I’m awful and giving people time and space as I just get so bored without speaking to her and I feel useless that she won’t speak to me.

I agree with reinvent and Cope but to add -- I would suggest you learn, and fast, how to give people the time and space they request and need.

Not doing so shows a total lack of respect for the person (in this case, her), makes you appear quite self-centered, not to mention needy and insecure.

I am sorry that sounds harsh and that you're hurting but seriously, your behavior of bombarding her with texts attempting to pull her in, or change her mind did just the opposite, it pushed her further away.

Again, please learn this otherwise I don't foresee any relationship ever working out for you.

I'm sorry.

[Tinydance]

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Have you dated much? I'm sorry it didn't work out with this girl but I really think you went about the whole thing very wrong. You met this girl online, you pretty much did not know her basically at all. Talking on the phone for four hours once or twice doesn't mean you know each other. You also spoke only for two weeks. That is a very short time.

You didn't even have a proper date really. You didn't go for coffee, to the movies or dinner. She just came over to your place and you had sex. Having sex with almost a virtual stranger is technically called a hook up or a one night stand. She was definitely not your "girlfriend", you shouldn't even be using this word.

You acted really full on and maybe she straight away could sense your desperation and she backed off immediately. She told you not to message her and it should have been enough for her to say that to you only once. You didn't listen but just kept messaging more and more, even though you were getting very unenthusiastic replies. Talking to her Mum was very out of line! You are adults, you don't need to get parents involved. Especially as you don't really know this woman or her Mum.

Your behaviour was acting like a stalker and I would strongly advise to never do that again if you want to succeed with women.

[maew]

OP hopefully you take the advice from people here and learn from this... when someone says they want space, LISTEN. What you did was disrespectful of the boundaries she was setting with you and shows an inability on your part of handling your emotions like a mature adult. It was also very disrespectful and awkward of you to contact her mother.

Leave her alone and get some help with learning how to manage your emotions appropriately.

[limichelle]

Op why did you get the mom involved? You went behind her back and it may have been your intention to try to help, however it comes off creepy as you hardly know her. Also please stop texting and calling. The ball is in her court now.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this sounds like she regrets the hookup/one night stand. Next time meet someone asap and go out to a public place for the first meet such as coffee, etc. Avoid too much texting/phone chitchat beforehand. It sounds like to much too soon especially sleep overs on the first meet.

Yikes do not do end runs around someone and contact their mother! That is bordering on stalking and very creepy. You need to back up and respect her request for space.

She came over and we had a really nice time, we did sexual things together and the day after she went home
she didn’t message for the rest of the night except saying “I’m dealing with stuff right now, just need time”
She then said that it’s nothing to do with me however she just wants time and space
I then messaged her mum, asked for her advice
She messaged me about speaking to her mum and told me I shouldn’t have got her involved.

[loyal]

A day or so go by and I try my luck, asking whether she’s okay and I managed to get a reply saying that she’s not too great and she’ll message me the next day. I say that’s fine and the next day comes; she didn’t message so I decided to message her asking if she felt like speaking later on and she said it depends how she felt so I said I’ll message her later on. Later on comes and I message her, she said she didn’t feel like speaking on the phone but that we could stick to messaging. I ask her a few questions like if she’s ready for us to see each other again and that I really want to be there for her and make her feel better but she blanks me. I then say I’ll message her the next day (today) and I did saying I hope she feels alright (once again blanked) and then I asked if she’d be down for a phone call at 10pm (this was at about 9:20pm) and once again, blanked however I said please let me know if you don’t want me to call because if not I won’t call. She then responded saying she feels a bit ty so she probably won’t answer. I said I’ll try at 10 anyway so then I can cheer her up if she picks up. I ring, no answer so I messaged her saying I’ll message tomorrow and a few other things, blanked again.

You messaged her saying you would message her about messaging her? Phew! And then you messaged her mom?

Put your brakes on. She is not interested. She may have been if you had shown a modicum of self-control, but you have already all but walked down the aisle with her in your head!

Give her space. If she wants to get in touch with you, she will. But you have GOT to leave her alone! You have made yourself very clear. She knows you are very interested. If she reciprocates, she will message you. Until then, radio silence.

[Rabican]

Dude... Cmon man.

Look I'll be blunt. You met someone, you had a spark, a fling whatever... Then you got your Captain cling on. You turned into the mushy feely clingy oh please don't leave me guy that pretty much repulses women.

Women don't want that. There's a fine line between being clingy and calling her mom and being sensitive or caring.

I'm basically a caveman who my wife says is emotionless. So I don't have to worry about ever overstepping that line... But you can be caring without coming across like you're pathetic and desperate after a few dates.

Next time you have a thing going... Message her after and say you had a good time. If she agrees say we should get together again. Don't be like oh I'm dying to see you I can't live without you... Yuck. More macho less grovelling next time you'll be better off.