Absolutely broken - when will it end?

I've posted in other sections of this forum. But I really need help and some perspective on how and why things are how they are.

I have no one to talk to, I'm on my own so any help/ advice on here would be very much appreciated.

I 'mutually' split up with my girlfriend of three years around four months. Things weren't right for a while and she told me she was unhappy. I tried my very best to fix things but she didn't seem interested. She became cold and distant, would cancel plans, rearrange days, says she needed to be back a certain time, not speak to me when we were together, pull faces of disgust when I tried to make convo (when I turned to face her she stoped, thought I couldn't see her) when I would ask if she wanted to be with me she would say 'I've never said I havent' and 'you keep asking that, so maybe you're not happy anymore' then when I asked to see her she would sometimes say ' I'll have to cancel my plans and come out then' I would tell her I don't expect that, I just wanted to see her. When I tried to work things out face to face she would tell me just to not to worry and she'll make more effort....she never really did. I tried to plan days out, holiday, nights together, but the excuses came. In the end I started to go get tired and very down about it all...I didn't know what I was doing wrong so when she mentioned one day 'we can't go on like this' I agreed and said we should call it a day. This absolutely broke my heart, still has. I love her and still do.

After we broke I sent her a note thanking her for our time together, that I care about her and left it at that. She replied thanking me. She contacted me a couple of times after until she decided to ignore me for two months after I asked to try again and she said she couldn't give me a answer. I didn't get in touch with her for this time..I left her alone because she clearly didn't want to talk. Then one day I walked past er in the street...I was ready to say hello until she blatantly blanked and ignored me.....I laughed it off but was a little hurt. Then when I got home I had a text from her saying she did see me but I wasn't facing her so couldn't say hello....this is rubbish. She then messaged me daily for two weeks, njust polite chit chat, I asked to me for coffee and she said 'aw thanks' I didn't ask again. She sent me links to various things and asked a few questions. Then at this time a 'new' guy appeared and started liking her pics . As soon as this happened BOOM she stopped replying. I'm told they are talking constant. This has absolutely destroyed me. I was back at the initial break up but now another guy is in the scene I'm devastated. I'm hurt, angry and deeply upset. She seems to have had the break up really easy and I'm here still suffering and loving her. I told her when we spoke I want her to be happy...she replied 'that's appreciated' she ever wished me well..

I don't know how to cope at the moment. The thought of them together, her getting attention from another guy is hurting me. I'm keeping busy and doing a lot in my personal life but this is on my mind constant. My anxiety is on overload.

Will I ever get over this? Did she ever like me? I don't think she cares about me?

Instead of asking whether she cares about you or likes you, ask yourself why you want to pursue a relationship with someone that doesn’t show any interest in spending time with you.

And yes it always hurts the first time our ex’s move on with someone else... same question tho, ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that chooses not to work through things with you and instead chooses to rebound with another guy.

OP the signs are all there, you don’t share the same level of interest or values, it’s just another sign that the relationship is over.

She obviously liked you at least for a while. But it seems to me she didn't have the balls to break up right away when she decided she didn't. Then she strung you along or kept you around either as a source of comfort or a plan b until she found someone else. Maybe she thought about getting back together, maybe she didn't and just liked the attention enough to bait you along. Who really knows? Just her but to be honest don't worry about it. It doesn't matter why. Let her go. Block her number, Facebook etc. Ignore her. Don't ask her friends about her etc. Just move on.

Yes, you'll get over it. You have to just give it time. Of course she cares about you, but the relationship simply won't work. Work on healing and moving on.

Of course you'll get over it. I am sorry that you are going through this but I promise you that you definitely will get over it, with time. Yes, it hurts but apparently, she doesn't seem interested in spending time with you or trying to work things out. Sorry. I'm sure she cared about you at some point but the relationship is now over. Please accept that. You just need to go through the grieving process. No short cuts, I'm afraid. I am recently divorced after being married for 29 years. He told me he wanted a divorce 13 months ago. Eleven days after I moved out he had a woman sleep over (in my bed which was still warm, no less!). How do you think I felt? I do understand how you feel when you think of her with someone else. It sucks, big time. It's devastating to imagine a girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse with someone else. At first, that nearly destroyed me but nowadays I sincerely don't care who he's with. That, OP, is progress. I can tell you that after a year of grieving, I am slowly healing and accepting my now reality, and I feel better. That's what you need to do. Time is the key. Hang in there, OK?

What you are feeling is quite normal. Our self esteem goes into the toilet, we feel terrible and we question everything, Did she love me, what did I do wrong, was there anything I could of done differently, can I save this, and the questions go on and on. We have all been there and that is why there are tons of songs, poems, movies, books on love. And when a break up happens, it sucks, it hurts and we wonder if we will ever get over it.

I can tell you that yes, you can and will get over it and get this.. you will find love again, you will be happy and in love and soon enough youll find yourself in the arms of another person. When that will happen is up to you. You are the one that controls your happiness. Its not your X, or how your X is doing, its you. I know it hurts that she is out there happy and you are suffering, but why do you feel you have to suffer? Why must you feel like you have to carry the burden for both people? Remember, love and happiness is not a race and it doesnt matter who found someone first. What should matter is happiness.

About the relationship. You can go back and wonder what you could of done differently. Maybe you said the wrong thing or did something to upset her and I have learned that it really not what you did, but its a simple fact that she just no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you anymore. Nothing you did was wrong, nothing you could of done to save it. It takes two to be in a relationship and she wanted out. She eventually sabotaged it and you took it as it was your fault. Its not. Its no ones fault, the reason doesnt matter. The relationship ended because it was no longer working out.

So dont follow her life, its not a race. You two are on different paths now and you have to do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Depression will always find an idle heart, but happiness has to be sought out. The choice is yours my friend.

Thankyou all. It's good to know I will eventually get through it. It's a struggle at the moment. I fell for her badly and I just feel cast aside I guess. It's a real shame she didn't seem keen to work on things, but like has been said it's clear she didn't want to spend time with me and I need to remember that.

I keep telling myself to stop thinking about someone who isn't even give me a second thought. What is the point. If she liked me she would be trying to sort things out or at least see me for a coffee. I don't plan on contacting her now, she has stopped replying to me so no point in even trying. Just need to accept that the girl I fell for doesn't feel the same. Can't wait for the day when I don't care anymore

Thankyou all. It's good to know I will eventually get through it. It's a struggle at the moment. I fell for her badly and I just feel cast aside I guess. It's a real shame she didn't seem keen to work on things, but like has been said it's clear she didn't want to spend time with me and I need to remember that.

I keep telling myself to stop thinking about someone who isn't even give me a second thought. What is the point. If she liked me she would be trying to sort things out or at least see me for a coffee. I don't plan on contacting her now, she has stopped replying to me so no point in even trying. Just need to accept that the girl I fell for doesn't feel the same. Can't wait for the day when I don't care anymore

I forgot to mention one thing that might help you to get over her: focus on the bad times in the relationship, not the good. That's what I did and IMO it helped. I think we all go through heartbreak in our lives at one point or another. Good luck to you.

I forgot to mention one thing that might help you to get over her: focus on the bad times in the relationship, not the good. That's what I did and IMO it helped. I think we all go through heartbreak in our lives at one point or another. Good luck to you.

Thankyou. I've bben trying to. I'm blaming myself a lot and wishing I had done things different. I was doing OK after a couple of months after breaking up, feeling better, she was still on my mind all the time but I was able to function better.

Now this new guy is in the scene it's brought everything back. All I can thing about is them together. I'm comparing myself to him a lot, he seems to have a lot more to offer than I ever could. The fact she's getting attention off him and she wants nothing to do with me. Sounds selfish I know but I guess it feels painful for me to accept this. I've had relationships before but I've never experienced anything like this I'm usually a pleasant quietly confident guy but this has battered my self esteem.

I think it's the fact she found someone so soon. If it had happened months down the line and I was mentally more accepting to the break up I don't think I would feel as bad, it's the fact I was just starting to feel better and then it's come crashing down again.

If I told you to not think of an Elephant. Odds are you are going to think of an Elephant. A typical mistake made by a lot of people is that they say they will TRY to not think of their X. Just by saying that you have already thought of your X. Its like having a phone number on your fridge and saying Im going to forget this number. Just by knowing its there you are going to think about it. What is the best way to forget the 3rd period French or Spanish you learned in school? By not talking in French or Spanish. You don't do it by saying Im going to forget, you will forget by living your daily life.

Getting over an X is much the same way. You don't focus on your X and what you shouldn't do like contact her or think about her or look at her social media. You forget about your X simply by living your life. Accepting that it is over and the reasons why or what led to the break up just doesn't freaking matter anymore. If you have to settle things in your mind just say "It didn't work out" and you use that. Use this time to find that person who was happy.. that's the one you should be looking for.

If I told you to not think of an Elephant. Odds are you are going to think of an Elephant. A typical mistake made by a lot of people is that they say they will TRY to not think of their X. Just by saying that you have already thought of your X. Its like having a phone number on your fridge and saying Im going to forget this number. Just by knowing its there you are going to think about it. What is the best way to forget the 3rd period French or Spanish you learned in school? By not talking in French or Spanish. You don't do it by saying Im going to forget, you will forget by living your daily life.

 

Getting over an X is much the same way. You don't focus on your X and what you shouldn't do like contact her or think about her or look at her social media. You forget about your X simply by living your life. Accepting that it is over and the reasons why or what led to the break up just doesn't freaking matter anymore. If you have to settle things in your mind just say "It didn't work out" and you use that. Use this time to find that person who was happy.. that's the one you should be looking for.

Thankyou. That makes a lot of sense. I think I'm 'over' the relationship now it's just the new discovery of her with someone else which has brought it all back. I keep asking myself, what's he got better, why him and not me, how can she move on so fast, but I guess she probably switched off long before we even broke up. I just wish she would of told me.

My biggest anxiety is thinking of them 'togther' the more I try and not think about it, the more I do...like you said.

Still missing her. It seem s worse in the mornings and less so at night. I think it's the anxiety at getting through another day, everyday feels so hard at the moment. I know she's long gone and doesn't even think about me anymore. I wish I could switch my feelings off!

Yeh that would be great wouldn't it...!? I've said many times that if you could invent an 'Anti- Heartache Pill' you'd be a millionaire!

But don'y worry mate. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of You and the day to day and eventually you'll start to even out.....

I have a feeling I'll miss my exwife for the rest of my days (or what we had) but I've also built a good life for myself behind the scenes...So long as you keep putting little things in place every day, every week, every month you eventually start to notice it paying off....

When one door closes, another one opens....but it's hell in the hallway*

Hang In There Buddy*

Carus*

Thankyou. That makes a lot of sense. I think I'm 'over' the relationship now it's just the new discovery of her with someone else which has brought it all back. I keep asking myself, what's he got better, why him and not me, how can she move on so fast, but I guess she probably switched off long before we even broke up. I just wish she would of told me.

My biggest anxiety is thinking of them 'togther' the more I try and not think about it, the more I do...like you said.

If you get anxiety thinking of your X, then I am going to go out on a limb and say you are not in the "Over" stage. What you are doing now is carrying the cross you think you should bear. You have resigned and thought that she problem never thinks about you or asks if she even remembers anything of the relationship, asking if it was just a lie and all you are doing is carrying a burden that you shouldn't have to carry. Asking questions like "how is he better? What does he have that I don't? What does she see in him but not me?" are all questions that you will never get the answer to. And even if you did, it would only bring up 10 more questions.

And what you are doing is normal, I can say Ive done the same thing but in the end does asking all those questions help you or does it hurt you? Comparing yourself to someone else is not healthy, and I think what you are doing is looking for a 'Thank you' or validation for your feelings. You haven't moved on because you need for her to at least say that she thinks of you or what you had was real. Problem is, that is not going to happen. So since it is not, what are you going to do?

In a weird way, I think of a situation like yours like buying shoes. You can find a pair that look great but wont fit, or you can find a pair that is really expensive but its the wrong size. What you have to understand that its not about finding the best pair. Its about finding the best pair for YOU. What your X did was find someone who she thought was a better fit, but not a better guy. For me, Nikes are just toooooo narrow but they look great. Rebook don't feel right in my feet so I found a brand that fits me best. Doesn't have to be the flashiest, expensive, but it fits great and that's all that matters. You must find the one that fits you

Yeh that would be great wouldn't it...!? I've said many times that if you could invent an 'Anti- Heartache Pill' you'd be a millionaire!

 

But don'y worry mate. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of You and the day to day and eventually you'll start to even out.....

 

I have a feeling I'll miss my exwife for the rest of my days (or what we had) but I've also built a good life for myself behind the scenes...So long as you keep putting little things in place every day, every week, every month you eventually start to notice it paying off....

 

When one door closes, another one opens....but it's hell in the hallway*

 

Hang In There Buddy*

 

Carus*

Thanks Carus, I'm hanging on :)

If you get anxiety thinking of your X, then I am going to go out on a limb and say you are not in the "Over" stage. What you are doing now is carrying the cross you think you should bear. You have resigned and thought that she problem never thinks about you or asks if she even remembers anything of the relationship, asking if it was just a lie and all you are doing is carrying a burden that you shouldn't have to carry. Asking questions like "how is he better? What does he have that I don't? What does she see in him but not me?" are all questions that you will never get the answer to. And even if you did, it would only bring up 10 more questions.

And what you are doing is normal, I can say Ive done the same thing but in the end does asking all those questions help you or does it hurt you? Comparing yourself to someone else is not healthy, and I think what you are doing is looking for a 'Thank you' or validation for your feelings. You haven't moved on because you need for her to at least say that she thinks of you or what you had was real. Problem is, that is not going to happen. So since it is not, what are you going to do?

In a weird way, I think of a situation like yours like buying shoes. You can find a pair that look great but wont fit, or you can find a pair that is really expensive but its the wrong size. What you have to understand that its not about finding the best pair. Its about finding the best pair for YOU. What your X did was find someone who she thought was a better fit, but not a better guy. For me, Nikes are just toooooo narrow but they look great. Rebook don't feel right in my feet so I found a brand that fits me best. Doesn't have to be the flashiest, expensive, but it fits great and that's all that matters. You must find the one that fits you

That makes sense. I just can't wait for the day my mind feels free of it all. It's only me that can do it now.

She still sending me a link yesterday, I don't know why she doing, I thanked her for it and she never got back.

That makes sense. I just can't wait for the day my mind feels free of it all. It's only me that can do it now.

 

She still sending me a link yesterday, I don't know why she doing, I thanked her for it and she never got back.

Why do you refuse to ask her to stop contacting you?

As long as you remain in contact you will not, repeat WILL NOT improve how you feel.