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Thread: I don't know how to react to this.

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    And because it's a new development, it's developing. I get the sense that when the boy moved in and you said it was so, it was to happen according to your time frame.

    Again. The kids come first and it should happen according to the child's time frame. If waiting is too much for you, then you have that option to end it, of course.

    Trust me when I tell you this is weighing heavily on her.
    In my case, the boyfriend at the time told me I needed to do what ever was best for my son and he wouldn't have it any other way. His value skyrocketed in the moment.
    Yeah I don't want to be demanding or unfair about it. But fairness goes both ways. But yes you're right, it probably is weighing heavily on her as well. Which is all the more reason we need to make our feelings clear to each other, imo. A little honest communication never hurt anyone is the way I'm seeing it at the moment. But lack of it could possibly cause things to go bad.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    How long has her son been with her full time?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Trust me when I tell you this is weighing heavily on her.
    This.

    Your frustration is understandable, though I think your hurt feelings are getting a bit in the way of your logic and also your most genuine feelings toward her. Her not-so-great ex just threw a rock through the window of her life. She's not freaking out or losing it—she loves that rock and lives for it, after all, and she's a grown up who can clean up some broken glass. But, still, it's a lot. When we're juggling a lot we don't always handle things with the grace of a ballerina. Or, put another way: when we are really concerned about a 17 year old boy we don't always think about a 52 year old man.

    So, yeah, she said "you can't stay over"—because, well, that's the hard face for the time being, as this develops. She's also tried to offer some soothing, listening to you, letting you know that she's not thinking about this as the permanent solution, that she hears your feelings. That's not nothing, right there. In fact, it's a lot. She cares for you.

    But this is mama bear stuff, and if you zoom out just a bit I think you'll find that what you're frustrated with at this moment is also connected to so much about what you admire and are attracted to in her. Maybe take some solace in that, let that take the edge off a bit so you can find that patience and compassion again. Sexy stuff, that. And I'm sure she's missing the easier access to sexy stuff just as much, if not more, than you right now.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    How long has her son been with her full time?
    Both boys are with her all the time except Wednesday nights and every other weekend. But it looks like from here going forward the oldest is likely going to be at his mom's 24/7.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This.

    Your frustration is understandable, though I think your hurt feelings are getting a bit in the way of your logic and also your most genuine feelings toward her. Her not-so-great ex just threw a rock through the window of her life. She's not freaking out or losing it—she loves that rock and lives for it, after all, and she's a grown up who can clean up some broken glass. But, still, it's a lot. When we're juggling a lot we don't always handle things with the grace of a ballerina. Or, put another way: when we are really concerned about a 17 year old boy we don't always think about a 52 year old man.

    So, yeah, she said "you can't stay over"—because, well, that's the hard face for the time being, as this develops. She's also tried to offer some soothing, listening to you, letting you know that she's not thinking about this as the permanent solution, that she hears your feelings. That's not nothing, right there. In fact, it's a lot. She cares for you.

    But this is mama bear stuff, and if you zoom out just a bit I think you'll find that what you're frustrated with at this moment is also connected to so much about what you admire and are attracted to in her. Maybe take some solace in that, let that take the edge off a bit so you can find that patience and compassion again. Sexy stuff, that. And I'm sure she's missing the easier access to sexy stuff just as much, if not more, than you right now.
    It's a lot to think about and consider and you make a lot of sense. Thank you.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Seeing is only minutes old, what will it cost you sit on it for moment and have some faith that things will settle in and adjust.

    I hear you wanting to demand answers to something that is in your own words a `very new development'

    Besides, if you are important to her, she'll make room. Right?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    And. . I don't know what her son is like, but I suspected mine lived with me only because there were dirty socks on the floor and all the food in the fridge was gone. Most 17 yr olds are pretty much MIA most of the time. Mine certainly were.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Where I'm coming from, for reference:

    I was that 17-year-old kid, many times over, growing up. And my mom was that mom—and bless her for that, because I can't imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise. I'm a 39 year old man writing that sentence and I get a little choked up thinking back to those days.

    But also? I'm now in a version of your shoes, or at least slipping them on. My girlfriend has a child. We're pretty new, so only the universe knows how it all shakes out, but I'm about a million percent committed to finding out. I know I've got moments like this on the horizon, and have already tasted them. I'd probably find it really challenging had I not grown up as I did, if I didn't have some kind of respect for all this basically etched into my genetic code, since I'm also very much just a dude.

    And us dudes? Let's be honest: we like a lot of attention and can kind of be like teenagers in our hearts and loins long after adolescence. All that can be cute, but it's not out noblest of traits. These are just those moments when we have to be a little bigger than the little dude who resides in us. Deep breaths. By just being there—being a still point as the dust settles, not another weight on her scale—you'll find that honest communication happening. And, in that, you can make clear choices and have clear thoughts about all this.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Seeing is only minutes old, what will it cost you sit on it for moment and have some faith that things will settle in and adjust.

    I hear you wanting to demand answers to something that is in your own words a `very new development'

    Besides, if you are important to her, she'll make room. Right?
    Yes, you're right.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    And. . I don't know what her son is like, but I suspected mine lived with me only because there were dirty socks on the floor and all the food in the fridge was gone. Most 17 yr olds are pretty much MIA most of the time. Mine certainly were.
    I don't know about that. He doesn't have a car, although I imagine he'll probably get one soon. I don't care if he's around all the time or not, I truly don't. It's more of a question of if he's okay with me being around.

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