Jump to content

I don't know how to react to this.


jul-els

Recommended Posts

Hello. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other exclusively for the past year and a half. I'm 52, no kids, she's 56 and has two boys ages 17 and 14. The father of her sons is not a very good person from what she told me about him. He's crazy and abusive and didn't treat her well and doesn't take much interest in his sons. She told me early on that she suspected her oldest would possibly eventually not want to continue visitation with his dad. And now that time has come. He has decided that he doesn't want to go and see his dad anymore. From what I understand about him, I don't blame him. But I don't know much about that story, I keep out of it. It's really none of my business and I don't want it to be.

 

Because of the way her ex has treated her kids, she has been very careful about introducing me into her kids lives. She waited six months before I met them. That was fine with me and I understood. In the past year that they have known me though, I haven't been intrusive towards them, but I have bought them tickets on a few occasions to go out with their mother and I and I've attended some of their extracurricular activities, but I make sure not to put any pressure on them. I'm not their dad, I don't want to be, and I don't want them to think that I'm trying to interject myself into their lives in a parental capacity. I'm not and I never will. I care about them because I care about their mother, but I consider myself to be a friend to them if they want me to be and nothing more.

 

So the arrangement her and I have had so far for seeing each other has been basically me going to her house when the kids are with their dad. When her son decided he wasn't going to visit his father anymore, she just matter of fact told me that I would not be able to stay the night at her house anymore as long as he was there. I wasn't asked how I felt about it and no other explanation was given to me, just that I could no longer stay the night if her son was going to be there. That's it.

 

I told her I felt that we were at a point in our relationship where it would be okay for me to stay over with her son there. I said that if things have been going in that direction anyway, which they appear to be, and her son has now decided he's going to be there, then now would probably be the time for us to take that next step. I asked her if she was ready for that and if she wanted to take that next step. She said, "yes I need to talk to him about it, but I don't want to spring anything on them". I told her she's not, the kids know me and I'm not new to them. She has fears because her ex introduced his girlfriend to them very early on and she apparently isn't very nice to them either. I said, "are you ready to take that next step?", and she said "yes...I don't know..." and then she laughed. Doesn't exactly make me feel very confident.

 

So it's been a couple weeks now and she hasn't mentioned anything to her son about me being around more or staying the night. Her and I are avid concert goers and we have a lot of dates planned for the next few months that were made with our usual plan, which is we go out and I stay at her house for the weekend. Now it looks like it's just going to be me going to pick her up, we go out, I drop her off and go home. Sex is definitely out of the question with that kind of arrangement and I don't know how she feels about that and she hasn't asked me how I feel about it. We are both very sexual people and it's an important aspect of the relationship for both of us.

 

I just feel like I've kinda been left hanging at this point and that she made a unilateral decision about our relationship based on her exes behavior without my input being considered. I'm kinda beside myself at the moment wondering how this is going to play out.

 

How do I react to this? Her son is 17, so he's aware of what's going on between his mom and I. It's not a mystery. He's very standoff-ish with me and I honestly can't get a read on him about how he feels about me either way. But her younger son who's 14 is very friendly and it's clear that he has no problem with me.

 

So what's the best way for me to react? I want us to take that next step and be more of a part of her life and everything she and I have done up to now has made me feel that's the direction we were going. I've spent the past year letting her kids get to know me. One of them is practically an adult an the other isn't far behind. Do I just hang back and let the situation in her house play out however it's going to? I'm ready for her and I to get more serious, but I feel like she's just kinda leaving me hanging at the moment. How do I approach this with her? Or should I at all?

Link to comment

You pretty much described my life a few years ago. Two sons, at differing points, no longer wanting to stay with their father and lived with me full time. All this in the middle of dating someone.

 

It wasn't a unilateral decision but more of mom putting her son first, as she should. You should have anticipated any and all scenarios before you got involved with someone with kids.

 

In your opinion everyone is ready, but there are two other people in the mix.

 

Best advise, don't push. Don't persuade . Trust that she is clearly aware of how you feel and the impact it has on everyone. You push, she could likely choose and it will likely not be you.

 

Give them time to adjust to his full time home and time for mom to wrap her around how it's going to feel when you pass each other in the hallway coming out of the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was this exact time that I critically evaluated the relationship I was in and had to be honest with myself if I saw us still together in the long run. If not, I wouldn't chance exposing my son to it.

 

You say the boy is a little standoffish? Then it's safe to say he's not comfortable with Mom's sleep overs. My ex had sleep overs and after enough unnecessarily exposure and tension is what led the boys to want to stay with me.

 

Why can't you go to your house? That's what I did when my sons were that age. That coupled with high school kids constantly staying the night at friends houses gives mom a free pass for the night.

 

If this relationship is important to you, how you handle this milestone (and there will be plenty more) will determine the outcome.

 

This calls for being generous, patient and flexible.

And when you least expect it, things will change again.

Link to comment

This is where you show her how much you care about her, and respect her, by basically sitting still. She knows how you feel and what you'd like, big picture, and it sounds like she's pretty lined up in that respect. That's all great. Trust it, don't push.

 

Kids are kids—they come first, and she needs to adjust to this new situation first before making it more complicated. That's just the deal. What you want in a day or a month might take a lot more time than usual. That's not a verdict on her feelings about you, or even being on a different page, but simply the reality of her life.

Link to comment
You pretty much described my life a few years ago. Two sons, at differing points, no longer wanting to stay with their father and lived with me full time. All this in the middle of dating someone.

 

It wasn't a unilateral decision but more of mom putting her son first, as she should. You should have anticipated any and all scenarios before you got involved with someone with kids.

 

In your opinion everyone is ready, but there are two other people in the mix.

 

Best advise, don't push. Don't persuade . Trust that she is clearly aware of how you feel and the impact it has on everyone. You push, she could likely choose and it will likely not be you.

 

Give them time to adjust to his full time home and time for mom to wrap her around how it's going to feel when you pass each other in the hallway coming out of the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was this exact time that I critically evaluated the relationship I was in and had to be honest with myself if I saw us still together in the long run. If not, I wouldn't chance exposing my son to it.

 

You say the boy is a little standoffish? Then it's safe to say he's not comfortable with Mom's sleep overs. My ex had sleep overs and after enough unnecessarily exposure and tension is what led the boys to want to stay with me.

 

Why can't you go to your house? That's what I did when my sons were that age. That coupled with high school kids constantly staying the night at friends houses gives mom a free pass for the night.

 

If this relationship is important to you, how you handle this milestone (and there will be plenty more) will determine the outcome.

 

This calls for being generous, patient and flexible.

And when you least expect it, things will change again.

 

Yes, this is a time for re-evalution, I agree. Not just for her, but for both of us. I knew she had kids and I was ready to accept them and I still am. She knew she had kids and should know if she's ready to make me a part of her life or not. It's been a year. I've been patient, generous and flexible. She needs to be forthcoming with me about where I stand. We can go to my house, but she can't leave the kids at home alone. The relationship is important to me, but it also needs to be fair. I'm just not sure of the best way I can express that to her.

Link to comment
This is where you show her how much you care about her, and respect her, by basically sitting still. She knows how you feel and what you'd like, big picture, and it sounds like she's pretty lined up in that respect. That's all great. Trust it, don't push.

 

Kids are kids—they come first, and she needs to adjust to this new situation first before making it more complicated. That's just the deal. What you want in a day or a month might take a lot more time than usual. That's not a verdict on her feelings about you, or even being on a different page, but simply the reality of her life.

 

Thank you. You've expressed pretty much how I feel about it. I just don't want her to keep me in the dark about it. I don't see any reason why she can't tell me how she feels about this new development and what it means to our relationship.

Link to comment
Yes, this is a time for re-evalution, I agree. Not just for her, but for both of us. I knew she had kids and I was ready to accept them and I still am. She knew she had kids and should know if she's ready to make me a part of her life or not. It's been a year. I've been patient, generous and flexible. She needs to be forthcoming with me about where I stand. We can go to my house, but she can't leave the kids at home alone. The relationship is important to me, but it also needs to be fair. I'm just not sure of the best way I can express that to her.

 

What I can't help but hear—and, of course, I understand you're emotional right now—is that you're losing that patience at a moment when she needs it most. It's been a couple of weeks of this new arrangement—also known as three seconds in Parent Time.

 

It sounds like she told you where you stand—that, big picture, she wants what you want. But it's only been three seconds. If you can see it a bit more along those lines I think you may find that you both get what you want.

 

If you push more about knowing "where you stand," or needing her to prove something by putting your needs before those of her son, you are very likely going to push things to a point where something cracks.

Link to comment
What I can't help but hear—and, of course, I understand you're emotional right now—is that you're losing that patience at a moment when she needs it most. It's been a couple of weeks of this new arrangement—also known as three seconds in Parent Time.

 

It sounds like she told you where you stand—that, big picture, she wants what you want. But it's only been three seconds. If you can see it a bit more along those lines I think you may find that you both get what you want.

 

If you push more about knowing "where you stand," or needing her to prove something by putting your needs before those of her son, you are very likely going to push things to a point where something cracks.

 

Thank you, this is very helpful. I guess what's really bothering me is the way she approached it. Just, "you can't stay over anymore" and that's it. No discussion or consideration about how that would make me feel. I guess that's what's actually bothering me. I feel like I just need a bit more communication from her at the moment. But perhaps that's just me. Perhaps not. I'm not sure at the moment. But as you said, this is all still a very new development.

Link to comment

But as you said, this is all still a very new development.

 

And because it's a new development, it's developing. I get the sense that when the boy moved in and you said it was so, it was to happen according to your time frame.

 

Again. The kids come first and it should happen according to the child's time frame. If waiting is too much for you, then you have that option to end it, of course.

 

Trust me when I tell you this is weighing heavily on her.

 

In my case, the boyfriend at the time told me I needed to do what ever was best for my son and he wouldn't have it any other way. His value skyrocketed in the moment.

Link to comment
And because it's a new development, it's developing. I get the sense that when the boy moved in and you said it was so, it was to happen according to your time frame.

 

Again. The kids come first and it should happen according to the child's time frame. If waiting is too much for you, then you have that option to end it, of course.

 

Trust me when I tell you this is weighing heavily on her.

In my case, the boyfriend at the time told me I needed to do what ever was best for my son and he wouldn't have it any other way. His value skyrocketed in the moment.

 

Yeah I don't want to be demanding or unfair about it. But fairness goes both ways. But yes you're right, it probably is weighing heavily on her as well. Which is all the more reason we need to make our feelings clear to each other, imo. A little honest communication never hurt anyone is the way I'm seeing it at the moment. But lack of it could possibly cause things to go bad.

Link to comment
Trust me when I tell you this is weighing heavily on her.

 

This.

 

Your frustration is understandable, though I think your hurt feelings are getting a bit in the way of your logic and also your most genuine feelings toward her. Her not-so-great ex just threw a rock through the window of her life. She's not freaking out or losing it—she loves that rock and lives for it, after all, and she's a grown up who can clean up some broken glass. But, still, it's a lot. When we're juggling a lot we don't always handle things with the grace of a ballerina. Or, put another way: when we are really concerned about a 17 year old boy we don't always think about a 52 year old man.

 

So, yeah, she said "you can't stay over"—because, well, that's the hard face for the time being, as this develops. She's also tried to offer some soothing, listening to you, letting you know that she's not thinking about this as the permanent solution, that she hears your feelings. That's not nothing, right there. In fact, it's a lot. She cares for you.

 

But this is mama bear stuff, and if you zoom out just a bit I think you'll find that what you're frustrated with at this moment is also connected to so much about what you admire and are attracted to in her. Maybe take some solace in that, let that take the edge off a bit so you can find that patience and compassion again. Sexy stuff, that. And I'm sure she's missing the easier access to sexy stuff just as much, if not more, than you right now.

Link to comment
How long has her son been with her full time?

 

Both boys are with her all the time except Wednesday nights and every other weekend. But it looks like from here going forward the oldest is likely going to be at his mom's 24/7.

Link to comment
This.

 

Your frustration is understandable, though I think your hurt feelings are getting a bit in the way of your logic and also your most genuine feelings toward her. Her not-so-great ex just threw a rock through the window of her life. She's not freaking out or losing it—she loves that rock and lives for it, after all, and she's a grown up who can clean up some broken glass. But, still, it's a lot. When we're juggling a lot we don't always handle things with the grace of a ballerina. Or, put another way: when we are really concerned about a 17 year old boy we don't always think about a 52 year old man.

 

So, yeah, she said "you can't stay over"—because, well, that's the hard face for the time being, as this develops. She's also tried to offer some soothing, listening to you, letting you know that she's not thinking about this as the permanent solution, that she hears your feelings. That's not nothing, right there. In fact, it's a lot. She cares for you.

 

But this is mama bear stuff, and if you zoom out just a bit I think you'll find that what you're frustrated with at this moment is also connected to so much about what you admire and are attracted to in her. Maybe take some solace in that, let that take the edge off a bit so you can find that patience and compassion again. Sexy stuff, that. And I'm sure she's missing the easier access to sexy stuff just as much, if not more, than you right now.

 

It's a lot to think about and consider and you make a lot of sense. Thank you.

Link to comment

Seeing is only minutes old, what will it cost you sit on it for moment and have some faith that things will settle in and adjust.

 

I hear you wanting to demand answers to something that is in your own words a `very new development'

 

Besides, if you are important to her, she'll make room. Right?

Link to comment

Where I'm coming from, for reference:

 

I was that 17-year-old kid, many times over, growing up. And my mom was that mom—and bless her for that, because I can't imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise. I'm a 39 year old man writing that sentence and I get a little choked up thinking back to those days.

 

But also? I'm now in a version of your shoes, or at least slipping them on. My girlfriend has a child. We're pretty new, so only the universe knows how it all shakes out, but I'm about a million percent committed to finding out. I know I've got moments like this on the horizon, and have already tasted them. I'd probably find it really challenging had I not grown up as I did, if I didn't have some kind of respect for all this basically etched into my genetic code, since I'm also very much just a dude.

 

And us dudes? Let's be honest: we like a lot of attention and can kind of be like teenagers in our hearts and loins long after adolescence. All that can be cute, but it's not out noblest of traits. These are just those moments when we have to be a little bigger than the little dude who resides in us. Deep breaths. By just being there—being a still point as the dust settles, not another weight on her scale—you'll find that honest communication happening. And, in that, you can make clear choices and have clear thoughts about all this.

Link to comment
Seeing is only minutes old, what will it cost you sit on it for moment and have some faith that things will settle in and adjust.

 

I hear you wanting to demand answers to something that is in your own words a `very new development'

 

Besides, if you are important to her, she'll make room. Right?

 

Yes, you're right.

Link to comment
And. . I don't know what her son is like, but I suspected mine lived with me only because there were dirty socks on the floor and all the food in the fridge was gone. Most 17 yr olds are pretty much MIA most of the time. Mine certainly were.

 

I don't know about that. He doesn't have a car, although I imagine he'll probably get one soon. I don't care if he's around all the time or not, I truly don't. It's more of a question of if he's okay with me being around.

Link to comment
Where I'm coming from, for reference:

 

I was that 17-year-old kid, many times over, growing up. And my mom was that mom—and bless her for that, because I can't imagine how I'd have turned out otherwise. I'm a 39 year old man writing that sentence and I get a little choked up thinking back to those days.

 

But also? I'm now in a version of your shoes, or at least slipping them on. My girlfriend has a child. We're pretty new, so only the universe knows how it all shakes out, but I'm about a million percent committed to finding out. I know I've got moments like this on the horizon, and have already tasted them. I'd probably find it really challenging had I not grown up as I did, if I didn't have some kind of respect for all this basically etched into my genetic code, since I'm also very much just a dude.

 

And us dudes? Let's be honest: we like a lot of attention and can kind of be like teenagers in our hearts and loins long after adolescence. All that can be cute, but it's not out noblest of traits. These are just those moments when we have to be a little bigger than the little dude who resides in us. Deep breaths. By just being there—being a still point as the dust settles, not another weight on her scale—you'll find that honest communication happening. And, in that, you can make clear choices and have clear thoughts about all this.

 

You're a wise man. I grew up with a step dad who was less than kind, so I know I'd never want to be anything like that to her kids. And you're right us guys are very good at being big kids. I know I am. I like to have fun! But life isn't always fun and sometimes we just gotta suck it up. Peaks and valleys.

Link to comment
I like to have fun! But life isn't always fun and sometimes we just gotta suck it up. Peaks and valleys.

 

True, though there's another way of seeing this: as fun.

 

No, it's not champagne and hot sex, but it's a place to grow and explore, both within this relationship and within yourself—to grow a few inches by being a bit smaller than you'd like for a bit longer than you'd like. It's a challenge. Challenges are fun. Fun begets fun, often in ways we don't expect.

Link to comment

I don't feel she's sure about you and neither is her son. There's something off about the way you're coming across with the older son and his mum. It wouldn't be this way if they didn't sense you were a threat. You mentioned in one of your concerns in your first post that sex and sexual intimacy is important to you (and so it would be for most) but in situations like this, while it's fine to think it, it's not ok to express it (realistically, you just come off like a sleazebag). I'm going to be real with you: you sound preoccupied about sex and spending after-hours/concert time with her in her bedroom. Something's got to give.

 

If you do genuinely see a life with her, cool your jets and splash some water on yourself. Enjoy the concerts and the plans at the moment but resist the urge to plan anything too far in advance. If she wants to call the shots, let her call the shots for a time and hang back. Let her come to you. If you don't sense any urgency in her, I don't think you should reciprocate any further. It takes two to tango. Don't get suckered into a relationship that's one-sided or remain in a long-suffering place waiting for someone or a situation to change. I'm more of the belief that you deserve better than that. Find someone else who is more emotionally and sexually available. There's absolutely no shame in admitting that you both are not compatible.

Link to comment
True, though there's another way of seeing this: as fun.

 

No, it's not champagne and hot sex, but it's a place to grow and explore, both within this relationship and within yourself—to grow a few inches by being a bit smaller than you'd like for a bit longer than you'd like. It's a challenge. Challenges are fun. Fun begets fun, often in ways we don't expect.

 

Well, I don't know if I'd go that far, lol, but it's work. And anything you want and that's worth having is worth working for.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...