It's been 3 months last text 3 weeks ago...

Hi all,

First time poster so I thought I'd ask your advice.

On 21 March a woman I've been in a 4.5 year relationship brought our romance to an end. We met in 2014 online and we immediately hit it off. It became physical very quickly and we really had great chemistry. She had just emerged from the end of a 15 year marriage and I had recently separated from my long term ex. There was one problem. I had kids and she didnt. Initially this wasn't a problem as I was seeing my kids only at weekends but two years in I was forced to move back to the family home to care for my children when my childrens mother became ill. We had already had a few splits at this point mostly about my kids and the fact that I wasn't as free as her to pursue what she wanted. It was always coming up. She had lived a child free existence up to meeting me. I knew that moving back to the house was going to put a strain on us. It did, and whilst my ex had moved out after a few months she came over and stayed the occasional night. But this seemed to be too much for her particularly my being tied down. She also showed signs of insecurity and I had found that she was checking my phone on numerous occasions. However there was periods of drama over minor things during this time and some days I didn't know whether I was coming or going. But I did love her. We had talked about marriage, she had asked me but I had deferred it as I knew how she felt about my being a father with that responsibility.

In July last year our time started to dwindle, we spent less and less time together and one Saturday she sent me a text to say it's over and that it's due to my circumstances. I respected that and let her be. Over the next 10 weeks we texted some more and finally agreed to get back together and she moved in with us. I think she did make an effort initially but then I could tell that she wasn't into family life. At the end of March she asked for a talk and said she was moving out. I was devastated. She said I'm not at the right stage in my life to be with her. I always knew this problem existed. When she had left me earlier she immediately started dating but came back so I thought she wanted to be with me. Anyway she moved her things out and moved to her sisters house and has remained there since. There was a few texts to say happy birthday and then a week later another to ask how I am. I shouldn't have replied but I said I dont know what to say but that I was ok. I said I was busting myself at work, looking after my children and working on my fitness goals. I also wished her family my best wishes to which she just thanked me. 3 weeks later at the end of May she sent another text saying she was thinking of me and just wanted to see how I was doing? I took the brave decision to not reply. I haven't heard from her since and she's been in strict NC since as have I.

We had such a great connection. With the repeated breakups and reconciliations I now dont know how she feels or whether I'll ever hear from her again. I think I know I need to move on and I'm certainly trying but each day is so hard.

I feel heartbroken over the whole thing but I'm left feeling is there something more to come. She unfriended me on Facebook but still keeps my number. I think I'm in limbo here but she's definitely cracking on with her life and her whattsapp picture shows her on holiday this week with her sister.

Is this a totally hopeless situation and should I now move on myself. It is so hard.....

Thankyou for you advice.

Sorry about all this.

It sounds like it's time to let go and let go of hope, as I can't help but feel you already know. In ways it sounds like hope was a big part of this relationship—that you both spent a lot of time hoping it would work work instead of almost working.

Reading between the lines, even when you say things were good, in terms of her understanding your responsibilities as a parent, there were still "a few splits" about just that. Stir in the phone snooping and drama and...well, I have to ask if this is really the kind of person you can see yourself with, and secure with?

Relationships that blow hot and cold, that turn on and turn off, can be awfully intoxicating. Because they're half like an actual relationship and half like a really great relationship that is just around the corner. But they're also draining, and you sound a bit drained. I think what you're looking for might be right around the corner, but it's unlikely to be with this person.

Here's the bottom line: you need to view yourself and your children as a package deal, no exceptions. Any person whom you date who cannot accept your children, in essence, cannot accept you. Adopt this viewpoint and you will avoid the heartbreak that comes with dating someone who simply does not want children (or who does not want someone else's children) as part of their life.

Yes, continue with no contact and move on. Focus on your children, your work, and your fitness as you have been doing. You are not compatible with this woman due to the fact that she will not accept the whole package.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately there were too many logistical problems and too many on/off issues. Living with an ex partner for whatever reason is a deal-breaker for most people. Also she wanted marriage, you didn't, you have kids she doesn't, etc. All you can do is let it go and consider dating single moms with more in common with you.

two years in I was forced to move back to the family home to care for my children when my childrens mother became ill. We had already had a few splits at this point mostly about my kids and the fact that I wasn't as free as her to pursue what she wanted.

Cracking on with her life? I don't see her cracking on with anything much at all except for taking advantage of the luxurious option rooming in or bunking into her sister's property which isn't difficult to do for many people if given the opportunity. This person seems to operate her life based on mood swings, whims and impulses. She seems every inch a liability and an embarrassment (her behaviour and impulsiveness, not the fact that she has no children or doesn't want to date you) compared to the types of commitments you have and what you are working towards - raising your children and maintaining a family home. What do you see in her? Please aim a little higher.

My childrens mother had moved out due to her illness through alcoholism so at this point it was just me and my children. I would have accepted her proposal but I had the nagging doubt about the kids, which turned out right. The thing is she always knew about my children from day one, she just couldn't adapt and over time she couldn't handle this. It wasn't that I was looking for a replacement mother, I did everything for the children. It just wasn't her in the end.

The crazy thing is they say you can't help who you love, there was some really nice times mixed together with some real drama. I look back and think how I could have possibly done things any different but I couldn't, I tried my best to keep everything together and I was chasing my tail for the last two years.

Her moral values aside when I met her aged 44 I felt like I'd waited my whole life for something like this to come along but only 6 months in, I knew it was a major deal breaker but we both persevered with it, I think because we both felt a lot for each other.

The morning she left she said with a hand gesture "we're here and we need to be there" with her open palms a foot apart. I didn't stand in her way and gave her the breakup. In the past when we had splits she always said I never fought for her, but why should you need to fight to convince someone to be with you?

In reality I guess I just served a purpose at a time in her life that was convenient.

Her own house is rented out and with her sisters collapsed marriage she had a place to go and do whatever she wanted.

I can't help but think if we'll ever talk again or at some point in the future, if she'll remember me and think differently about my situation. I know that's not healthy and I can't put my life on hold.

Before she left she was about to say "do you think in a years time" but I stopped her before continuing and just said that she needed to go and do what she wanted.

NC is so hard and not replying to her last text makes me feel terrible but I had to make a stand, I'd been far too easy in the past and I needed to change.

I'd love to reach out but I know its pointless.

I look back and think how I could have possibly done things any different.......

It's good to reflect on past relationships that did not work out and to think on what could have been done differently (so that the same mistakes are not repeated in future relationships). In your case, as I said before, what you can do differently is to view yourself as a package deal instead of someone who can be separated from your children. In future, look for the signs (i.e. red flags) in anyone who does not accept the whole package. If you ever meet someone who is okay with you, and you only, and who doesn't have any room in their life for your children, walk away immediately. Do not continue to date the person and allow emotional attachments to form. If you had done this in your past relationship (walked away after the first few dates instead of continuing to see the person and establish a 4.5-year long relationship) you would have avoided all of the emotional pain and heartbreak you are now facing.

So yes, learn from this, and behave differently next time.

Her moral values aside when I met her aged 44 I felt like I'd waited my whole life for something like this to come along but only 6 months in, I knew it was a major deal breaker but we both persevered with it, I think because we both felt a lot for each other.

I think the lesson here is that deal-breakers can't be unbroken by feelings, and it's worth really exploring that. Personally, I'm of the belief that when we stay in something we're pretty sure is unworkable it's because, on some core level, we find semi-conscious solace in the idea that it won't work. Makes for the sort of relationship you "work on" more than "being in," and while those can be frustrating (the drama, the edge, the uncertainty) they can be comforting, to a degree, because you never fully surrender into them.

Anyhow, as Jen said, I think you should start viewing you and your children as a package—an awesome package that will attract an awesome woman, not just a woman who is awesome when she doesn't have to think too much about you being a father. Any relationship that makes you feel as if your children are a hindrance, or some kind weight, is simply not the relationship for you, no matter what else if offers.

 

Personally, I'm of the belief that when we stay in something we're pretty sure is unworkable it's because, on some core level, we find semi-conscious solace in the idea that it won't work. Makes for the sort of relationship you "work on" more than "being in," and while those can be frustrating (the drama, the edge, the uncertainty) they can be comforting, to a degree, because you never fully surrender into them.

 

^^This is a quite an astute observation blue. I can't really relate but I understand it.

Those with intimacy and commitment issues/fears tend to gravitate to these "unworkable" types of situations too. Lots of fights, uncertainty, drama.

Reason being, when it's unworkable, there's the comfort of knowing it won't ever lead to commitment. Being that they fear commitment, there's a certain safety in that.

It's when a relationship is working and as such the expectation of commitment when the fear is triggered

Any relationship that makes you feel as if your children are a hindrance, or some kind weight, is simply not the relationship for you, no matter what else if offers.

This was the reality of our situation. It's easy to gloss over this in the moment as you sit in some sort of suspended disbelief as I did. However she gave me more than enough hints yet I ignored it.

I have to keep come back to this when I think about the relationship as a whole, her desire was for a man with no "baggage" who had the ability to take her on holidays, weekends away, bars and restaurants, she most certainly didn't want to play family with my children.

I did see this early on but I chose putting off the easy decision then making it much worse for me now.

I wont make this mistake again but it doesn't make things any easier now.

I just need to get out of this emotional turmoil. I also need to move on and get my head in a different place, it should be easy to do on paper, thinking about someone whose stabbed me twice and certainly isn't going through a fraction of what I am right now.