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Thread: help

  1. #1

    help

    I'm stressed to the eyeballs. Really stressed and thinking i might be going through some sort of breakdown.
    i've been in a relationship for 11 years.
    i've wanted to have a baby for the past 6 years.
    my partner doesn't want children.
    we split up over it but then got back together and i decided to move on from it.
    But I cannot move on from it. It's something I really want. But I love him so much I don't want to lose him.
    He said if I got pregnant he wouldn't want it and that would be the end of us as a couple.
    I've stopped using the pill and I've been tampering with condoms.
    I've done this for about 6 months now, but no pregnancy has been forthcoming.
    I know I shouldn't be doing this. I want a baby. I don't want to lose my partner.
    I'm not sure if I'm just extra over-emotional or what's going on?
    I might have a pituary tumour (awaiting MRI results) so maybe this is contributing to how I feel.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to prioritize the things that you have on your plate.

    Step one: you need to seek professional help to manage your stress while you wait for the MRI results. The possibility of a pituitary tumour is understandably very scary. Also, bear in mind that stopping the pill can cause mood swings. Please seek professional counseling. Your physical and mental health are always the no 1 priority and at this point in your life it sounds like you are dealing with too much stress to manage it on your own. While you are waiting, you need to stop tampering with condoms. There is no point in getting pregnant while being unwell and it would be unfair to the child.

    Step two: once you are feeling better and more in control, you need to rethink your relationship and what is more important. Bringing a child into this world against its father's will sounds a very bad start to this child's life. Do you really want to bring a child into such unhappiness? Do you really want to trap your partner like that? How is that love?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to end it. There is a huge incompatibility. If you want children, pursue that. You haven't moved on from it, you just acquiesced to his stance for fear of being alone. Do not get pregnant 'by accident' hoping he changes his mind. Tampering with condoms with a partner who doesn't want kids is not the answer.
    Originally Posted by lostandlost
    i've wanted to have a baby for the past 6 years.
    my partner doesn't want children.
    we split up over it but then got back together and i decided to move on from it.
    I've stopped using the pill and I've been tampering with condoms.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Hiding the fact that you've discontinued birth control could hurt the relationship, it breaks trust.

    But he is wrong - many women want to have a baby.....if people want to date, they should know what they are getting into. Kids are more little people to love you. If you had a baby, he would change his tune... he would fall in love with it as soon as he saw it. Maybe you can get him to a counselor, maybe the counselor could change his thinking.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Tampering with birth control is an irresponsible and selfish thing to do OP.... either let this relationship go or let the idea of having a child go. I can say with certainty that if you have a kid with this guy the relationship will be over anyway so why bother staying? Clearly having a child is more important so go on about your life and leave him to his.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Hiding the fact that you've discontinued birth control could hurt the relationship, it breaks trust.

    But he is wrong - many women want to have a baby.....if people want to date, they should know what they are getting into. Kids are more little people to love you. If you had a baby, he would change his tune... he would fall in love with it as soon as he saw it. Maybe you can get him to a counselor, maybe the counselor could change his thinking.
    Gary, I don't mean to invalidate your opinion, but I've got to disagree with you about this.

    OP, your boyfriend is not "wrong" for not wanting children, those are his feelings to which he is entitled. Not everyone wants kids, nor are they cut out to have kids.

    I also have to disagree that should you choose to have a baby regardless of his feelings, he will change his tune, fall in love with the baby and you will all live happily ever after.

    No, no, and NO!! You should not and cannot expect this to happen, in fact, more likely than not, he will resent you for disregarding and disrespecting his feelings and be gone!

    He has made it very clear he does not want kids, and he needs to find a woman who shares his feelings about this.

    Contrary to popular belief, and Gary Snyder's belief not all women want children.

    For example, I don't have any strong urge to have children. And if I don't end up having any, my life will be just as happy and complete as it would it I had them.

    All that said, what I DO agree with Gary Snyder about and think is wrong, very wrong, is your deceiving him by going off birth control without telling him trying to have a baby.

    This leads me to conclude that having a baby is more important to you than him and your relationship, so for that reason, my advice is to end it and find a man who wants kids, and let your bf find a woman who doesn't.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-19-2019 at 03:24 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Most legal debates on reproductive coercion "stealthing" address men tampering with condoms/contraception. In some cases it can be prosecuted as fraud, domestic violence, assault, etc. What you are doing may not be on the books (yet) as a crime but do you really think he will stick around and you'll live happily ever after as a family? You have some serious thinking to do. You would be better off ending it and using a donor.

    Read up on birth control sabotage laws:[Register to see the link]
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-19-2019 at 03:42 PM.

  9. #8
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    DO NOT have a baby.
    Breakup with this man and find a man who is looking for his future wife and wants a baby.
    Or stay single and become a foster mom and foster young kids so you can understand what the reality of caring for a child is, at the same time helping out children.
    It may sober you up

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Hiding the fact that you've discontinued birth control could hurt the relationship, it breaks trust.

    But he is wrong - many women want to have a baby.....if people want to date, they should know what they are getting into. Kids are more little people to love you. If you had a baby, he would change his tune... he would fall in love with it as soon as he saw it. Maybe you can get him to a counselor, maybe the counselor could change his thinking.
    No... some people simply don't want to have children and it's their right and prerogative. No one is right or wrong here for wanting or not wanting a child. What this means is that they're not compatible and she shouldn't be with a man who doesn't want kids if she wants one. Also no, she shouldn't have a kid with him in hopes that he falls in love with the child when they see the child. No, it doesn't work like that for all. Most honorable men will sure fulfill their obligations, pay what they have to pay and even be present on some level, but you can't guarantee that someone who doesn't want children will suddenly be on board and be "father/mother of the year" and everything will go smoothly.

    Now... maybe people will disagree with me, but I put tampering condoms and not taking birth control in secret in hopes to fool a partner into having a baby "by accident" is on a very similar trust breaking level as cheating. Or criminally as fraud (I'm not sure if this is legally a crime or not, but morally...) as there are people who tamper with birth control to get children from rich celebrities for money. I know that this is not the case with you OP, but this is wrong on all levels. That to me is NO NO NO and I'd immediately break up with a woman who pulled this on me and I found out (if I were a man). This is awful. You either accept that he doesn't want a child and you stay with him or you decide that wanting a child is more important to you, which is in your right, and you break up and find someone who wants to be a father/get other methods legal and safe of having a child. What you don't have the right to do is fooling someone into fathering a child with you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need to break up with this guy, you CANNOT make him want a child if he doesnt. Tricking him is the wrong way to deal with this. Find a guy who would love to have a child with you.

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