confused and hurt by break up of short term relationship

I'm a 32 year old guy. I've only had one serious, long term relationship (4 years long and we broke up 5 years ago). Although I've enjoyed being single and dating a lot, I've entered most of my short relationships in the last 5 years as casual, with no expectations. I was in no rush to settle down.

However, five months ago I met a 26 year old woman (again, going into it with no expectations), and really enjoyed being with her. She was sweet, easy to talk to, pretty, just a good person to be around. I really liked her. We connected. We texted everyday and everything was going great. Very healthy and no fights.

About a month ago she would stop responding to my texts and take a few days to get back to me. I asked her if everything was okay and she said she's having really bad depressive episodes. I was very empathetic to her situation, as I've gone through depression before too. This continued for 3 weeks (text for a few days, then silence, etc) until we finally had a conversation where she said that her depression is too bad right now to continue with our relationship. I understand self care and mental health is extremely important. However, I am very confused and hurt that someone who I got along with so well would just end things like that. I want to be with her and I'm really unsure what to do.

With a long term relationship you spend a lot of time, energy and emotion trying to get it to work out, but ultimately realize it's not going to work out. However, in this situation I feel like I am completely blindsided because of the "what ifs," "what could have been," and stuff like that.

Can anyone offer any advice on what to do or how to handle this situation? It's been 2 weeks and I'm pretty down. thanks in advance.

Sorry about all this.

There are ways where the short ones sting more than the long ones. All that potential one day, a void the next. Went through something similar last fall—a total first for me, at 38! I'd done long term, and I'd done plenty of casual—but never short where my emotional investment was kicking in, only to have it crumble.

At the end of the day, you really just have to let it go. That's really the only way you can show respect—to her, and what she's saying, and to yourself. Use this chapter not to close off and get cynical, but as a reminder that you're capable of big feelings, and perhaps ready for something more serious than you even knew. Your mindset about dating may be less casual today than it was a few years ago, and you know what? That is awesome, something to celebrate, even while you feel the pain you need to feel right now. It will pass.

I'm reluctant to say too much more without knowing the details, but there is a big difference between being 32 and 26. To wear my bias on my sleeve: I have plenty of experience with these gaps. When I hear things like "bad depressive episodes" I can't help but hear someone in their mid-twenties who is still grappling with the business of being an adult, someone who is easily overwhelmed by matters that, hopefully, become less overwhelming into your 30s. Easy for you to empathize with, since you've been where she's at, but empathy does not move someone into a different phase in life—the phase you're in. Something to think about as you process this.

Sorry to hear about this. I would let this go, don’t contact her, she probably needs space. Try to keep yourself busy, go out with you friends etc. She’s probably not in the right place to be in a relationship and there’s not much you can do about it.

Get to know someone a bit better next time and if they have untreated depression or other issues, tread carefully. This doesn't mean that you can't date someone who's working through something and getting help. There's nothing you can do at this point with this particular person. Just stay respectful and stay away from her. She may not even want to date you at all for other reasons. Five months is too early to tell and I don't mean to sound jaded but anything could be going through her head and people give plenty of reasons for not continuing to see someone and not everyone tells the truth. Leave it as it is and don't jump in hoping to be her knight in shining armour. It's inappropriate for the situation and you both barely know each other. Meet new people.

It sounds like you were more invested than her and hoping it would develop into a long-term relationship. It's a bummer but disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Don't fight the feeling. It's okay to be disappointed.

I'd let her go and keep dating. We win some and we lose some. Keep the "casual" attitude to some degree and realize that in the grand scheme of things the two of you really didn't know each other for very long. A lot of what you think you're missing out on is a fantasy about the future you created in your head. Come back to reality, look at the facts of the situation, and I think you'll relax and not hurt as much.

Sorry this is going on. All you can do is respect her need to withdraw from the relationship to attend to her health. At least she was forthcoming about this. That means the last 5 mos were for real and you saw the integrity she has. Give her some space. Maybe she will contact you in the future. Until then just carry on.

About a month ago she would stop responding to my texts and take a few days to get back to me. I asked her if everything was okay and she said she's having really bad depressive episodes. she said that her depression is too bad right now to continue with our relationship.

Thank you for all of your insight and replies. While I am upset that we broke up I am also upset that this is the first person in 5 fricking years I actually liked. That's a long time and I worry it'll take another 5 years to meet someone else. Maybe I'm too picky, maybe I have issues lol, but in 5 years she was the first woman I connected with. I think the loss of her + the 5 year gap is the overall reason I'm feeling down.

Something similar happened to me some months ago. Although I've been single for the past 3 years (I'm 35 now), I still had a date here and there but really liked the last one. Given various factors I really thought that she's the right woman for me. We coexisted so naturally, everything was effortless, mature and with no BS at all. Then she just said that she's not ready and broke it up. Previously I had been through a very rough patch (I have told my story in another post 3 years ago) and I had really learned to not give a damn during these 3 years, but what happen there with her and me really hurt, actually it hurt substantially.

At the end of the day, however, you must understand that some things are just:

a.) not worth fixing

b.) not meant to be

c.) happening to teach us a lesson

I'd suggest you go about your life and do what you enjoy. Do not feel worthless and definitely do not try and contact her, it won't bring anything good I can assure you.

I know you're down, but just let it pass, do not get used to living with this feeling, stir up your daily routine, travel, do stuff, meet new people. She's not been there 6 months ago and you've been fine, she's not there now and you can be even better.

I am sure you'll get over it.

Something similar happened to me some months ago. Although I've been single for the past 3 years (I'm 35 now), I still had a date here and there but really liked the last one. Given various factors I really thought that she's the right woman for me. We coexisted so naturally, everything was effortless, mature and with no BS at all. Then she just said that she's not ready and broke it up. Previously I had been through a very rough patch (I have told my story in another post 3 years ago) and I had really learned to not give a damn during these 3 years, but what happen there with her and me really hurt, actually it hurt substantially.

At the end of the day, however, you must understand that some things are just:

a.) not worth fixing

b.) not meant to be

c.) happening to teach us a lesson

 

I'd suggest you go about your life and do what you enjoy. Do not feel worthless and definitely do not try and contact her, it won't bring anything good I can assure you.

I know you're down, but just let it pass, do not get used to living with this feeling, stir up your daily routine, travel, do stuff, meet new people. She's not been there 6 months ago and you've been fine, she's not there now and you can be even better.

I am sure you'll get over it.

Hi VeevaContact - thanks for the reply. It does sounds like a similar situation and I'm sorry to hear that. Looks like we both entered dating with the "don't give a damn" mentality and unfortunately when we fell for someone it ended abruptly.

How are you feeling now? and did the two of you ever talk again? the sudden ending of what (on my end, at least) seemed like an awesome relationship is really what I'm struggling with here. Had the relationship run its course and we weren't compatible I'd be in a totally different spot right now.

Thank you for all of your insight and replies. While I am upset that we broke up I am also upset that this is the first person in 5 fricking years I actually liked. That's a long time and I worry it'll take another 5 years to meet someone else. Maybe I'm too picky, maybe I have issues lol, but in 5 years she was the first woman I connected with. I think the loss of her + the 5 year gap is the overall reason I'm feeling down.

I suspect the reason you haven't been in a relationship for the past 5 years is because you haven't wanted to be in a relationship for the past 5 years. Yeah, you flirted with the notion, flirted with connection, and probably, well, did a lot of flirting and enjoyed it.

Which is the headspace you were in when you met this woman. And something about her—and probably something about where you've evolved, on your own—made it different. Try to think of it like that, that she has shown you something inside yourself, rather than think of her as some mirage in a desert that you'll now wander alone for another 5 years.

I've spent a lot of my life being Mr. Casual. That was my mentality, my attitude, and it led to casual connections. At some point something shifted, and it was jabs to the heart like this that marked the shift. I got less casual, more sincere. Started meeting people who, just a few years earlier, I wouldn't have connected with. Wasn't ready.

You're young, quite young, but not quite as young as you were five minutes ago. Five months ago you met someone you thought would be like what you were used to: the shurg emoji version of romance. It was more than that, for you, and let you know that you want and are ready for something more. Mourn this, as needed. Then keep seeking that.

 

That's a long time and I worry it'll take another 5 years to meet someone else.

Would that be so horrible? Why?

In my opinion, rather than spend the energy searching for "someone else" to fill the void inside you that needs to be in a relationship, spend that energy learning to be happy and fulfilled within, and being happy on your own.

Once you get to the place where you don't need to be in a relationship, and feel perfectly happy and fulfilled without one and on your own, will you be in a better mind frame to actually meet that special someone, and have it work.

This feeling of worry you have that it will take you another five years is wasted energy and typically results in the exact opposite happening.

Relinquish that worry, and simply learn to be happy within yourself and on your own.

How are you feeling now? and did the two of you ever talk again? the sudden ending of what (on my end, at least) seemed like an awesome relationship is really what I'm struggling with here. Had the relationship run its course and we weren't compatible I'd be in a totally different spot right now.

She contacted me after 2+ months of silence to tell me that she cut the line in order to protect me, that she was not ready and that she wanted to clear things up because she thinks I am a great guy. Worst of all was that we worked in the same building and during those two months I had to pass by and greet her numerous times without her saying anything. I felt really bad the first days, then I just stopped caring at all. And yes - she does not give a damn, why should I?

I feel awesome, to be honest. I feel free and motivated by the fact that I did not continue onward with someone, who obviously is not mature enough to sit and talk, someone who's obviously lying and would have wasted much of my time. I have recently moved on to a new job, growing my career, not bumping into her anymore, and most importantly - I have rediscovered valuing myself the proper way. And so should you. I know the thought of remaining alone for years to come can seriously mess with your head. I'm thinking of that a lot too. But you never know who you might meet even today, in like an hour, and that someone could really turn your whole life around. Free yourself of any idea that makes you believe you're unworthy of love or thoughts that push you into sadness. Live goes on, like I said - she was not there 6 months ago and you've been happy before as well. ;)

About the relationship.. Thats a bummer that it happened. Remember the saying 'careful for what you wish for because you just might get it' well this could work against her. She wants time, you give it to her, and in that time you could very well meet the woman of your dreams that you otherwise wouldnt of had the chance.

And this "take me another 5yrs" is just BS. The only person that dictates the time line of dating is you. You dont have a hard time in meeting people so having people to choose from is not the issue, so what is the issue is you. Maybe you dont date those if you think they will hurt you or for other reasons, I dont know, but you alone are in control of your dating life and no one else.

Use this as a positive.. You are free and the one you are supposed to be with is waiting to meet you or you perhaps have already and just dont know it. Think positive