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Thread: Is my fear/anger justified?

  1. #1

    Is my fear/anger justified?

    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now, on and off.
    A little bit of background on us:
    He was diagnosed with bipolar type II about a year ago, though he doesn't seek regular help for it. He takes the medication he's given but doesn't seek therapy which has always concerned me. He's tried a few therapists in the past and none really clicked with him so he's given up on the notion entirely.
    He's in a very unique position job wise, he's a freelancer, and when he is working, it's usually away from home. He makes a substantial amount of money for the few months of work, then spends the rest of the year at home not doing a lot.
    He's an active smoker (weed), who probably smokes 4-8 joints a day. This never really bothered me, I enjoy smoking too like I enjoy a nice glass of wine after work, but I feel uncomfortable about the amount he smokes. I'm not sure why... It doesn't necessarily alter his mood, I think I just worry about his reliance on it. He says he just smokes because he's bored which I understand. I work a rigid 9-5 job, I'm also a naturally hard worker and he sits at home waiting for me every day.
    He also has a pretty bad cocaine addiction that comes and goes, I couldn't tell you the extent of it because I'm not sure I've ever gotten the full story, he never sought out help to overcome this addiction, he says he can deal with it himself.
    In the last 6 months, he relapsed, was in an awful place and cheated on me twice. When he relapses he does stupid things like messages other girls, send nude pictures of himself to other people, that sort of stuff. He justified this as he was coming out of his "bad time" saying he does this sort of stuff because he deserves to be sad, or when he looks at me all he sees is the awful stuff he's done to me and punishes himself. Very destructive behaviour.
    He has been off coke now for a few months after falling back into it on one of his work trips, he's been home now about 2 months and here is my issue:
    Every weekend he goes out. Without fail. His nights out aren't just a few drinks with the boys and then back home, it's multiple different substances, out at clubs until 8am sort of stuff.
    Now, he says he isn't doing coke, so I shouldn't be worried. He's always had an issue with limits, it's 100% or nothing with him which is part of the reason I fell in love with him.
    Recently he's been doing quite a bit of LSD, he says don't worry, 'I'm just micro-dosing'. It's just 'for fun' or 'to be creative'.
    Whenever I try to talk to him about his drug use he gets upset, tells me I'm being 'too judgmental' or 'making him feel like a junky'.
    If I'm being honest, I probably could phrase my words a bit better, but I'm often overwhelmed with emotion, though I am desperately trying to work on that. Because of this, he lies about his drug use a lot. Which I understand is my fault, if I was more positive about it all, he wouldn't lie, but now I've found myself monitoring his social media and 'drug apps'. I hate the idea of snooping but every time I do it, I find something I didn't want to see, so I keep going back to it.
    He's not doing coke which is the only thing he's been addicted to, so I shouldn't worry, right?
    Apart from this, he is the sweetest, most incredible guy. He makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world and I truly love him. I couldn't imagine life without him.
    Should I let this go?
    Am I being crazy?

    Thank you in advance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop playing therapist or micromanaging him. Calling the kettle black is a very weak position. Either clean up your own act or live and let live. Parenting someone is the quickest way to relationship conflict. Focus on your own life, your own career/finances, your own physical and mental health and quit pointing fingers.

    If you choose to live with a heavy drug user expect a lot of lies, heartaches, arguments and difficulties. Stop trying to fix and change him, it never works and breeds even more resentment. Consider clean living and your independence from micromanaging someone else's mental and substance problems..

  3. #3
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    This guy is an abusive drug addict -- with an insufficiently treated mental illness. He repeatedly uses a substance he knows makes him behave badly, he goes out of his way to use everything under the sun and then justifies it all. I am sorry, i am completely at a loss as to why you are staying. He is making absolutely no effort to improve his mental, physical, health or addiction situation and indulges at every opportunity. Do you really think he is going to wake up one day and suddenly do something about these things? He may have some good qualities, but so do a lot of people who do a lot more to make their lives better. No one is forcing him to sit at home on the days he doesn't work -- there are a million constructive things he could be doing with his time, he chooses drugs. You are choosing to stay in a chaotic, unhealthy situation if you stay with this guy. It has been years, nothing is improving. Is this how you want the rest of your life to look?

  4. #4
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    Anyone that tries to justify illegal drugs is in denial.
    If he didnít try to justify it , it would suggest an occasional user.

    The fact that he does try to justify it, is basically him comparing himself to the occasional user and thinking they are are using the same amount. But they arenít and their relationships arenít failing because of it either.

    It doesnít matter which drug he is taking.He might not be addicted to cocaine specifically but he is addicted to substances regardless which one.

    What are you going to do?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the others. I think you working the 9-5 has blinded you from a lot of details going on in his life in his free time while you're at work. I'm really not sure what you find appealing in him but I think this could be a case of not knowing any better and being too used to an unhealthy situation. If you've never been in a healthy or positive relationship with someone, you just have no idea how wrong this is. I have a strong feeling that he's aware his actions affect you and he's surrounded by guilt. This pushes him to do more and more hard drugs to escape the reality of his mental health and the lifestyle he's adopted. You can't help him anymore and it's alarming it's gotten to six years.

    Let go and start your life fresh. Be aware of the warning signs and the types of behaviours in men (your partners) that draw you in while dating. These should all have been red flags. Whenever someone shows you that they have large amounts of free time, you should be asking what that person is doing in that free time. There are plenty of ways to occupy that time. Not all of it has to be productive but it certainly doesn't have to be destructive. I hope you find peace and remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Is my fear/anger justified?

    I think the bigger question is why are you doubting yourself?

    You've spent years making excuses for his behavior. So much so you've lost your internal compass over what feels good, what doesn't and you aren't even sure if you are permitted to feel disappointed by a cheating, drug addict with a mental illness

    Why do you stay and why don't you think you deserve better than this?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by kaylaharvey1
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now, on and off.
    ep going back to it.
    He's not doing coke which is the only thing he's been addicted to, so I shouldn't worry, right?
    Apart from this, he is the sweetest, most incredible guy. He makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world and I truly love him. I couldn't imagine life without him.
    Should I let this go?
    Am I being crazy?

    Thank you in advance!
    Yes. Let it go. Or...let HIM go. Cocaine is not the only thing he is addicted to. If he is smoking 4-8 joints a day, he is addicted. If he is out until 8 AM and on different substances, he is addicted. If he cheated on you twice in six months, he is addicted. If he is 100% or nothing, he is addicted.

    When you try to talk to him about it, he blames you. Is it your fault that he is doing these things? It sure doesn't sounds like it. It IS your fault for not setting boundaries with him and sticking to them. Don't give him an ultimatum, give yourself an ultimatum: either you set your boundaries or you leave.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Lying
    Cheating
    Abusing illegal substances

    All the above are relationship deal breakers to a healthy person. Imo, yes, your fear is justified. Your anger not so much because you have witnessed this behaviour for more than half a DECADE yet you keep making the informed choice of getting back with him.

    Imo, you need to break up for good and seek professional therapy to address whatever keeps you going back for more + whatever makes you feel responsible for HIS behaviour.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Drug addiction and bipolar......some people would consider those deal breakers


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