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Thread: Have a hard time reading signs

  1. #1

    Have a hard time reading signs

    Being a male who's almost 32, admitting that I've never been on a date is absolutely terrifying. So, I'm just going to throw that out there now, just so I can get one the hardest parts of the way first (me actually getting it out there). One of the main reasons for this (the second hardest part) is partially due to a bit of self-esteem issue and being a little quiet around people I'm not comfortable around. I also have reading most signs being thrown at me (hence the title of this thread). These things really weigh me down a bit and act as a blow to my self confidence in the relationship world (and I'll admit, it's more than likely self inflicted). I want a relationship, but I find it extremely hard to get into one due to the fact that I find it hard to jump in as well as reading signs.

    I'll give an example of what I mean with an even that happened recently. I work in a hospital in the materials management department. I am one of the people responsible for deliveries, supplying units, constructing crash carts, and making sure the supplies go where they need to be going to. The hospital contracts out to various outside medical companies for various things, such as their laundry cleaning, hazardous waste pick up, etc. Well, one of the people (a female) I tend to see occasionally is a person who works for one of these contractors, and she has a similar position as I do (going to various units picking stuff up and dropping stuff off). When I usually see this person, she tends to keep to herself. I never see her interact with anyone, talk to people, or even really make eye contact with anyone. I occasionally (but not always) make eye contact with her, but she seems like she tend to just keep to herself. She seems like she's either just there to get in and get out without the need or want to interact, or she is extremely shy. When I usually see her around, I tend to think about how I think she's extremely pretty and always wanted to say something to her, but always didn't because I didn't want to come off as a weirdo or anything.

    A few days ago, she actually stopped me in the hall around the corner from where my department is, asks to borrow my pen really quick, says she'll come find me to return it, and asks if where I work was the department around the corner (which I am assuming she knew based on my shirt that only the materials management people wear). Anyways, a little while later, I was in my department getting some things together when of of the receiving guys (the receiving guys, being a part of my department essentially, wear the same shirts I do, and their office is literally 50 feet or less from, and in the same hallway as, the main part of my department is) came up to me and said that an extremely pretty girl was essentially acting like she was hunting me down in order to give me my pen back and wanted to make sure I'd get it.

    With this situation, I seriously couldn't tell what to think. Was she just in a desperate need for a pen for whatever reason and asked the first person she saw, or was she racking her brain to try and say something to me in order to open a door, (I guess maybe hoping she was kinda thinking the same thing I was, always wanting to say something, but never did in fear of coming off weird, then just took a chance to create a chance). I'd very much like to believe it's the latter, but a large part of me just thinks it's the former, that she just asked the first person she saw and was just extremely nice in wanting to make sure I got it back when she could have easily just kept it like so many other people tend to do.


    I guess what I am getting at is, what do I think in a situation like this? Is it wrong of me to even entertain the notion of possibly thinking she was being anything but nice? I tend to do this quite a bit, and honestly have no clue how people meet each other and interact with each other to the point of getting into a relationship. I honestly have no clue how that happens, so I find it hard to see what the signs are.


    I apologize if this seems like a rambling post or if I seem a little pathetic, I'm just tired of not being able to see certain things clearly and do in fact want to change for the better, I think I just need a little guidance to that point.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Delacrank's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by comicfan87
    I guess what I am getting at is, what do I think in a situation like this? Is it wrong of me to even entertain the notion of possibly thinking she was being anything but nice? I tend to do this quite a bit, and honestly have no clue how people meet each other and interact with each other to the point of getting into a relationship. I honestly have no clue how that happens, so I find it hard to see what the signs are.
    I'm sorry if this is rude, but i think you are over analyzing the situation. First off, if you think she's pretty chances are other guys think this as well. I'm not saying there isn't a chance that she wouldn't be into you, just don't assume because she is reserved at work that means she doesn't have a social life outside of it. I've actually made this mistake many times, seeing someone not be extroverted and feeling like a knight in shinning armor.

    Thinking that I could save them from themselves, when in reality if they wanted my help or entertainment or what have you, they would have just introduced themselves. That being said, I would refrain from trying to get into a relationship with a co-worker.

    On another note, I think you should try to date. It's probably the fear and assumption that people will reject you. The reality is that rejection is not actually that bad at all. It just feels really bad in the moment but then you get over it and you spend time thinking about other things. Sometimes, its actually worth getting rejected like 10 or 11 times just to meet that one person who you might spend a week or a month or a year of your life with. Then you realize hey, this rejection is just me realizing that not every single women who I am attracted to is going to be attracted to me as well.

    That's it.

    Also, if you want to ask her out, then just get it out of your system. But please do yourself a favor and don't spend months fantasizing about this crush and the things you would do in your imaginary world. Oftentimes our imaginations are so far from reality.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think you should try to establish a friendship first. I think it's harmless to ask her out for coffee and light chit chat. See if she generally will take an interest in you as a friend first and see how this friendship could develop into something more but don't scare her off! Take it very, very, very slowly. Take baby steps when it comes to establishing a sincere friendship with her. Patience is key. Don't appear as over eager and over enthusiastic otherwise, yes, you will be perceived as weird and creepy. Act natural, be pleasant, polite, never interrupt, show grace and find out what type of personality and character she has, too. Keeping things easy such as either taking a short break together or coffee outside work should be alright.

    In any scenario either she just wants to be your friend and in the best case scenario, who knows? Just be nice and keep things easy. Don't jump to conclusions and let the friendship take its course from there.

  4. #4
    Hey I'm a lot older and feel exactly the same, my advice is to just go for it.

    The number of times in younger days there was someone I liked nut due to low confidence/ self esteem I never had the courage to approach them. Later I'd be talking to someone who knew them and not with every person but they say she liked me or something like that. So many missed opportunities. I'm not much better now.

    I know people say don't have regrets but as a man in his fifties I do look back and regret things, don't be like me.

    Good luck

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's ok to have a crush. Stay professional at work. Work is not a singles bar or dating site. Get on some dating apps with a good profile and photos. Start messaging and meeting women for a low-key coffee. Try to develop your confidence with women.....outside of work crushes..

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    To answer your questions, at best, she seems detail-oriented. At worst, she's a bit of a worrier of unnecessary things. It's just a pen. She may hold pens in high esteem and it may be a pet peeve of hers to have others taking her pens and work items that she needs while on the job. I wouldn't overanalyze this. If you are interested, just ask her out. If you can't muster the courage, start dating and meeting people outside of your work. I also don't agree with dating in the work place. This is really your call.

  8. #7
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    This is where compliments come in. Go up to her, and tell her a compliment, whether she looks really nice today, Or you like her necklace,etc; something that shows you notice her.

    Then build from there. Or just ask her one day, "Hi, I'm blah-blah. Would you like to get a coffee together?" It may seems like moving mountains, but sometimes gotta break the ice.

    I'm in the medical supply field, so I see no problem dating at that setting. Hospitals are gigantic, and you don't work directly together either.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by comicfan87
    one the receiving guys (the receiving guys, being a part of my department essentially, wear the same shirts I do, and their office is literally 50 feet or less from, and in the same hallway as, the main part of my department is) came up to me and said that an extremely pretty girl was essentially acting like she was hunting me down in order to give me my pen back and wanted to make sure I'd get it.
    I can't help but think if 5 different people ran into someone trying to return a pen to you, you'd get 5 different interpretations of the same event.

    I wouldn't put so much value into this guy goading you into thinking this girl has the hots for you.

    He may very well be right, but what matters is your first hand experiences with her.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 06-19-2019 at 02:25 PM.

  10. #9
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    Your premise is flawed. You don't need to read tea leaves to find out if you have a future with this woman or any other. Ask her out. Whatever she says will give you the answer. Asking someone out isn't the huge deal that your mind makes of it, and getting rejected isn't the worst thing in the world because at least it is a clear answer.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by Delacrank
    I'm sorry if this is rude, but i think you are over analyzing the situation. First off, if you think she's pretty chances are other guys think this as well. I'm not saying there isn't a chance that she wouldn't be into you, just don't assume because she is reserved at work that means she doesn't have a social life outside of it. I've actually made this mistake many times, seeing someone not be extroverted and feeling like a knight in shinning armor.

    On another note, I think you should try to date. It's probably the fear and assumption that people will reject you. The reality is that rejection is not actually that bad at all. It just feels really bad in the moment but then you get over it and you spend time thinking about other things. Sometimes, its actually worth getting rejected like 10 or 11 times just to meet that one person who you might spend a week or a month or a year of your life with. Then you realize hey, this rejection is just me realizing that not every single women who I am attracted to is going to be attracted to me as well.

    Also, if you want to ask her out, then just get it out of your system. But please do yourself a favor and don't spend months fantasizing about this crush and the things you would do in your imaginary world. Oftentimes our imaginations are so far from reality.

    You don't sound rude, in fact, this is the type of answer I want, something straight up and honest. I'm not really seeing to be her "knight in shining armor," I like both introverted and extroverted people for various reasons. And yeah, fantasizing = bad. That just gives off bad vibes. I never really thought much beyond "that chick is cute" until what happened, and because I was never good at reading people, and since there's been a bunch of times I've had friends tell me "such and such girl was flirting with you" when I thought they were just being "regular" or a non-flirt makes me think I'm just oblivious.

    And yes, it’s fear of rejection, I’ll admit it, mostly because I’ve been rejected so many times I’ve gotten to the point where I find myself asking “why just ask for another rejection?” Over the past 5 years, I’ve pretty much thought to myself how I’d rather just not try than add to the ever growing list of rejection.

    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think you should try to establish a friendship first. I think it's harmless to ask her out for coffee and light chit chat. See if she generally will take an interest in you as a friend first and see how this friendship could develop into something more but don't scare her off! Take it very, very, very slowly. Take baby steps when it comes to establishing a sincere friendship with her. Patience is key. Don't appear as over eager and over enthusiastic otherwise, yes, you will be perceived as weird and creepy. Act natural, be pleasant, polite, never interrupt, show grace and find out what type of personality and character she has, too. Keeping things easy such as either taking a short break together or coffee outside work should be alright.

    In any scenario either she just wants to be your friend and in the best case scenario, who knows? Just be nice and keep things easy. Don't jump to conclusions and let the friendship take its course from there.

    Yeah, I mostly want to take it slow myself. I’m not really the type of guy who’d want to move too fast in things like this, honestly. I’d rather it go slowly.



    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's ok to have a crush. Stay professional at work. Work is not a singles bar or dating site. Get on some dating apps with a good profile and photos. Start messaging and meeting women for a low-key coffee. Try to develop your confidence with women.....outside of work crushes..

    Well, I totally agree. I’ve always had the rules of co-workers = no close friends + no relationships. I've never seen or used work as a "hunting ground" for a lack of a better term for possible romantic interests. If anything, I have a reputation for being way too aloof at work. The only reason I even allowed myself to even had the slightest bit of a thought on this one was because since she works with a contracting company, she’s only at the hospital once or twice a week and she’s on various floors at various times. There’s probably more women who work at the hospital full time who’re probably more attractive that I don’t even have the slightest bit of a crush on. I’ve never treated work as a “singles bar” because I actually respect my job and enjoy where I work.


    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    To answer your questions, at best, she seems detail-oriented. At worst, she's a bit of a worrier of unnecessary things. It's just a pen. She may hold pens in high esteem and it may be a pet peeve of hers to have others taking her pens and work items that she needs while on the job. I wouldn't overanalyze this. If you are interested, just ask her out. If you can't muster the courage, start dating and meeting people outside of your work. I also don't agree with dating in the work place. This is really your call.

    I think this is why it got me thinking. It’s just a pen, not a gold brick; and I work in materials management where we’re practically skating on loose pens. And as I’ve said earlier in the post, she’s not really there at my work throughout the week and doesn’t even work in direct contact with my department, so it would have been very understandable that she DIDN'T return it, considering how much people move and work non-stop


    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I can't help but think if 5 different people ran into someone trying to return a pen to you, you'd get 5 different interpretations of the same event.
    I wouldn't put so much value into this guy goading you into thinking this girl has the hots for you.
    He may very well be right, but what matters is your first hand experiences with her.
    I gotta admit, you’re absolutely right. I do know I saw her pass by my department, stop, look around, then head back towards receiving as if she was a little lost just before he came up to me, but still, I think you’re probably right that he was probably just building it up a bit

    Originally Posted by saluk
    Your premise is flawed. You don't need to read tea leaves to find out if you have a future with this woman or any other. Ask her out. Whatever she says will give you the answer. Asking someone out isn't the huge deal that your mind makes of it, and getting rejected isn't the worst thing in the world because at least it is a clear answer.
    That’s true too. I shouldn’t be trying to look to see if there are little hints or not, it IS kinda pointless. And yeah, at least a rejection IS an answer, but as stated earlier I've had a lot of it so a big part of me just wants to say "why bother, I'm just going to get rejected again" while another part say "I really don't wanna be alone my entire life, and I need to stop being such a baby."


    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    This is where compliments come in. Go up to her, and tell her a compliment, whether she looks really nice today, Or you like her necklace,etc; something that shows you notice her.

    Then build from there. Or just ask her one day, "Hi, I'm blah-blah. Would you like to get a coffee together?" It may seems like moving mountains, but sometimes gotta break the ice.

    I'm in the medical supply field, so I see no problem dating at that setting. Hospitals are gigantic, and you don't work directly together either.

    Ahh, so you kinda get where I'd be coming from then. I think it's a little different than most other places, and like you said, hospitals are huge and she works with a contractor that has absolutely no connection with my department, so it's not like it'll create an internal rift or cause some sort of an issue really, at least none that I can see.

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