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Thread: Recent Fall out with a family member, is it my fault?

  1. #1
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    Recent Fall out with a family member, is it my fault?

    So here is the background, my family doesn't work. We live off social security income, I'm the only one working and goes to school full time. I'm getting stressed, my family has well over 5 adults and none of them work. One is 19 watching the younger siblings, other is 26 who stays home and literally does nothing but go out with her boyfriend and watches netflix. The other just recently graduated high school and is trying to pick up work. I'm paying for most of the bills, car payments for a car that i can't even drive, i pay for ubers to get to work and school and back home. I'm working and i'm broke, and I'm the only one working! I'm fed up and i'm tired, and recently i got into an argument with my eldest sister, we used to be like best friends and now we're not. We don't talk to one another, she unfriended me from facebook. She told me it's my fault i work part time, and I lost it. We got into a heated argument, and she said I act righteous thinking i'm better than my whole family for working. My mom told me I was selfish for getting mad at her for not being there for me to take me to work, because she has her own issues. Am I really in the wrong? I feel like I'm not, but everyone in my house is pinned against me. I just want to save and build my future is that wrong? My sister told me that I am working not for the family, but for myself. I am planning to move next year out of California, and she makes me feel bad like I'm abandoning my family. I don't know if I'm doing anything right.


    (I'm only 21 and i'm trying to learn how to drive)

  2. #2
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    No, you are not wrong . Save your money and get out .

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    I just wished it was easier, if no one is not paying the bills who will? The electricity is due, and I can cover it but i can't save money if all of it goes into bills. I have nothing left. I just feel like it's my responsibility now but yet I'm so fed up. I don't know what to do.

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    If you could afford the electric bill, pay for HALF of an electric bill at an apartment with a female roommate who is not a family member.
    Why is the 19 year old watching kids if no one else is working so they don't need the kids watched for them? Unless your parents are profoundly disabled.
    The one that just graduated has some promise if she doesn't get swallowed up.
    If you don't pay the bills - they will figure it out. What are they buying so not to pay the bills?
    They can get food stamps or go to the community meals at churches, etc.
    Or they can move.

    Don't worry about what they will do - your parents should be leading the family and you need to secure your future. If you have to, go to school part time and work full time, but maybe if you are a college student you can find 3 other young ladies to rent with near school and afford it

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    I guess being sheltered when I was a younger, as in being under 18 I couldn't do anything independently, I relied a lot of my parents and suddenly they stop working when we moved to California and expected us to grow up real fast. I need to stop being so scared, and just do something. I am a people pleaser, I guess I was just trying too hard to keep everyone happy and comfortable, that I even got bitter real fast. My parents aren't home often, so my 19 years old sister maintains the house, and takes care of the toddlers while they're away. It's just my older sister doesn't work or watches the kids, she goes out a lot to her bfs place and we all have spoken to her about getting a job. She just says she wants to get her permit first, and then switched plans and said until she gets her drivers license before finding a job which I also paid for her permit test. I think it really is time for me to move on. I used to work full time, but I decided to go to trade school to get out of a part time deli chain and move on. It's just hard to not look back and feel guilt and pain. I'm family oriented and walking away from it is so hard.

  7. #6
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    It's not your problem regarding who will pay the bills if you're not when you move out. Let them figure it out.

    In the meantime, be quiet. Don't argue anymore. Play your cards right. Be peaceful at all costs even at the expense of your dignity. Why? Because you have a plan and no sense fighting. Fighting will get you nowhere. Remain patient while you quietly devise your plan to move out permanently. Quietly continue working, keep your nose to the grindstone, save your money, make your swift exit when you are financially independent and move out of California. Do it in that order.

    Survive on your own with careful advanced planning. You family are grown adults and it's up to them to sustain their household WITHOUT YOU.

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    thank you so much for the encouraging words, I've been hitting dead end, sleepless nights, and just thinking to myself why it's so hard to do something right. I've been called selfish and righteous, and Cherylyn you're right. They can call me whatever they want, I need to stop resisting and do something for myself. They'll hate me when I leave, maybe, but when I can help myself, I know I can finally help them the way my heart desires. But it's got to be me first. I'm learning everyday, thank you for the helping me realize I can do something.

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    Originally Posted by angie822
    I guess being sheltered when I was a younger, as in being under 18 I couldn't do anything independently, I relied a lot of my parents and suddenly they stop working when we moved to California and expected us to grow up real fast. I need to stop being so scared, and just do something. I am a people pleaser, I guess I was just trying too hard to keep everyone happy and comfortable, that I even got bitter real fast. My parents aren't home often, so my 19 years old sister maintains the house, and takes care of the toddlers while they're away. It's just my older sister doesn't work or watches the kids, she goes out a lot to her bfs place and we all have spoken to her about getting a job. She just says she wants to get her permit first, and then switched plans and said until she gets her drivers license before finding a job which I also paid for her permit test. I think it really is time for me to move on. I used to work full time, but I decided to go to trade school to get out of a part time deli chain and move on. It's just hard to not look back and feel guilt and pain. I'm family oriented and walking away from it is so hard.
    There should be no "WE" told her to get a job. you are not her parent. Its your parents' household and you need to step back from parenting your siblings (unless your parents are neglectful of the little ones). If your parents worked when you all lived in another state, they can do something. If California isn't affordable, they can move. When you lived in another state, you probably had a normal childhood with parents who worked and took care of you so you could go to school. I think you are very motivated if you are going to trade school. That's wonderful. Pull yourself up === "family oriented" doesn't mean enabling them. if you had an 80 year old parent whose health was slipping - that is one thing - but there are 5 adults here. if they don't have you paying their bills, they will figure it out on their own. They will have to.

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    Originally Posted by angie822
    thank you so much for the encouraging words, I've been hitting dead end, sleepless nights, and just thinking to myself why it's so hard to do something right. I've been called selfish and righteous, and Cherylyn you're right. They can call me whatever they want, I need to stop resisting and do something for myself. They'll hate me when I leave, maybe, but when I can help myself, I know I can finally help them the way my heart desires. But it's got to be me first. I'm learning everyday, thank you for the helping me realize I can do something.
    If you pay their bills, you are enabling them. If mom were widowed and she was working two jobs to support the littles, I totally would get helping by watching the kids on your day off, buying little treats for the little kids that she can't afford --like a new book, fun school supplies, etc. But these people don't lift a finger because they know you will pay the bills

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    What do your Parents do all day if they dont work but are out of the house?

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