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Thread: Recent Fall out with a family member, is it my fault?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by angie822
    I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!
    Why did they not use the 2K to pay bills so their child in college is not supporting her family?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Money is to improve your life. So start with finding student or roommate style housing. A car is never an investment. It's a depreciating tool/convenience. Learn to manage your money better. Money is to 1) support yourself 2) pay for the things you have to and need (such as a car). Continuing to live off your family and argue about money and bad choices with money is getting you nowhere. Once you get out of your parents house and become financially independent, you may be eligible for student loans, financial aid, low cost student housing, etc. The first step is to cut the cord and get out on your own. It would solve all your problems and conflicts.
    Originally Posted by angie822
    I have almost 4k in my saving right

  3. #23
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    I feel like a lot of people in this thread are advocating for someone to cut ties with their family as if that is easy to do. I understand the complexity here. This is your family and they are putting a lot of pressure on you to not be independent, but instead to be part of their unit. And there are innocent toddlers here at risk, having a sibling take care of them, having irresponsible adults. It's not fair to you or those kids. I totally understand how you feel tied to this situation. And it's not so simple to just move out and leave because I understand the guilt you would feel. Your parents' situation sounds a little strange to me. I suspect that what they're doing may not be legal. And that's not why you're here, and that's not for us to get involved in, but it's another layer of guilt and entrapment for you. They're being really crappy to you and that's not fair. But I also would not be surprised if this is going to be a burden for you for life: this balancing act between independently fulfilling your own potential and having to be a member of this family. I don't advocate cutting ties with them and just shipping off without looking back. Your family is important, and they are deeply flawed, and that's complicated. I think anyone else here would feel just as conflicted as you do, and as frustrated.

    Maybe for some people, leaving their families behind is easy and obvious, but for a lot of people it isn't, and this comes down to a system of values. You have to decide how important your family is to you, and how important it will be to you to have a relationship with them. It's not an easy decision at all and you're wise to think it over. But keep in mind, relationships can expand and contact from distant to close and back again. You don't have to permanently cut them off, and you don't have to be wholly enmeshed in their household, either.

    Decide what sacrifices you want to make, and how important financial independence would be to you, verses how important family relationships would be. Because it sounds like they're putting you in the position to choose. If you stay involved, you will sacrifice independence and you will grow even more bitter and frustrated, but you'll have your family there around you. I know that you're angry with them, but I think part of you feels like you "ought" to be there. And part of that is the pressure they're putting on you, that you "should" and "ought" to be there for them. That's unfair for them to do. In a more fair family, they would embrace you and accept your decisions, and support and encourage your independence while treating you just as valued as a member of their unit.

    I think that your family should value you unconditionally, for who you are, and that they should not simply value you for your financial contributions, because that's not unconditional love. I think they should respect your desire for independence and not make you feel guilty about that.

  4. #24
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    If she never gets a chance to break away, she will not be able to build her own autonomy.

    No one is saying cut ties. But there is nothing wrong with taking a break from them.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    If she never gets a chance to break away, she will not be able to build her own autonomy.

    No one is saying cut ties. But there is nothing wrong with taking a break from them.
    I agree, but I also understand that's hard to do sometimes when you've been raised to believe that you owe something to your family and that family obligations are moral obligations, and when you fear that taking a break will be permanent and will cause you to lose your family altogether. As much as they suck, maybe angie822 feels a strong connection to her family and still wants to have relationships with them, and may fear that she will lose them if she takes a break. In fact, she might lose them if her family decides to react that way to her seeking her own autonomy. That's a scary threat. Most people want to have a family on their side. Some people I know have struggled their whole lives going back and forth, not knowing which is worse, having their family in their lives or no family in their lives.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Rihannon
    I feel like a lot of people in this thread are advocating for someone to cut ties with their family as if that is easy to do. I understand the complexity here. This is your family and they are putting a lot of pressure on you to not be independent, but instead to be part of their unit. And there are innocent toddlers here at risk, having a sibling take care of them, having irresponsible adults. It's not fair to you or those kids.
    No one is to saying to cut ties and not have a relationship - to not talk to or having a loving relationship with them. We are talking about leaving the nest, and setting some boundaries. Everyone should leave the nest at some point and the OP cannot really progress because she is a student and should be focusing on being that - making the money she needs to get her through school and not be victim to her parents and sister's poor choices.

    Those kids are NOT her responsibility. They can get WIC, they can move into a smaller more affordable place, most states have free early childhood classes before Kindergarten if their income is low and they can move back to their more affordable state if they were doing fine before they came to pricey California. Let the parents parent.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    No one is to saying to cut ties and not have a relationship - to not talk to or having a loving relationship with them. We are talking about leaving the nest, and setting some boundaries. Everyone should leave the nest at some point and the OP cannot really progress because she is a student and should be focusing on being that - making the money she needs to get her through school and not be victim to her parents and sister's poor choices.

    Those kids are NOT her responsibility. They can get WIC, they can move into a smaller more affordable place, most states have free early childhood classes before Kindergarten if their income is low and they can move back to their more affordable state if they were doing fine before they came to pricey California. Let the parents parent.
    All I'm trying to say is that I understand that it is difficult to pull away from a family who is pressuring you to stay.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    She is paying car insurance, yet taking an uber. She is not simply paying her fair share.

    There is a difference between paying your own electric bill at your own place and paying for car insurance for cars that are not yours to drive and the main utilities because you are enabling your parents. Paying SOMETHING because you live there is one thing -- an agreed to upon amount, etc, every month or a bill, but there are 5 adults here and the household should not live and die based on a full time student supporting the family. As a full time student, as long as she is in school, her responsibility is to pay for her entertainment and anything above and beyond her parents would normally pay whether she was there or not (if she wants an iPhone, gas and car insurance for the car SHE drives). She should not subsidize her sister who doesn't work, etc, but has plenty of time to hang out with her bf.

    If to live there, one sister paid the electric and the other paid the cable/internet and another paid the car insurance - then that's different, as the "rent" they agreed to, that's another matter, but that's not the case.
    I agree. This is why I said to pay for what you WANT to pay for, and let the rest slide. If whatever slides is valuable enough for someone else to pay, it's amazing how that will happen. Regardless, you're minus the cost of those bills closer to saving the money to move out.

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