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Thread: Recent Fall out with a family member, is it my fault?

  1. #11
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    @Shelluf62 I'm not comfortable sharing what they do, but my parents work on a farm in hopes for money. But they aren't real jobs that get paid bi weekly or monthly.
    @abitbroken I've realized that I'm babying adults, and you're right i'm enabling them. I need to stop, and it is now. I step my foot on the ground already and am not paying the electricity bill this month. I've talked to my mother about this already and she isn't happy but they'll find a way.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are a classic enabler and people pleaser and you really need to get out of that situation and mind set. If you leave they WILL figure out how to pay the bills, because they will have to.

    You'd be much further ahead to move into a tiny apt. or even a room you share with a friend than to keep doing what you are doing. They take advantage of you because they can.

    If these other people are healthy and well enough to work, they need to be. Being a lout on the couch is a pitiful waste of a life, someone needs to kick their butts to get them moving, but that's not your job. Your job is to take care of you, plan for your future, get your license. But most of al, get the hell out of there.

  3. #13
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    Stop paying any bills, concentrate on your own fate. It is not your job to rear your siblings. It is the responsibility of your/their parents.

    Someone has conned you into taking responsibility for the others.

    If you can get part time work, then all others 16 or older can do likewise and control their own fate.

    Particularly your netflix watching sibling.

    Save your money in an account nobody else has access to and move as soon as you can. Stay in school. Your education is your key to freedom.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    angie822, Be smart and stay strong! Ignore the name calling such as 'selfish' and 'self righteous.' Misery loves company. People family or no family will always manipulate conversations with name calling, labels and turning it around on you which is gaslighting btw. Google the word: "gaslighting." It's a real head trip let me tell you. It's a tricky, sneaky way to fight. Do not stoop down to their level and never engage.

    Be shrewd. Make your own calculated plans for your future. Remain peaceful even when it is hard. Then when you are prepared financially, that is the time to make your exit out of your hell hole family life and out of California.

    Be methodical with the way you think. Do things step by step QUIETLY. Your day in the sun will come. Be prudent and quietly plan your future.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are over 18. Move out on your own. Talk to the campus administration about student loans, financial aid and student housing. After 18, it's your job to provide yourself with housing and college education.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining and do something constructive toward your own independence. No one owes you free room and board. Anywhere you live you'll have to contribute to bills. So say home and whine or get out now and discover independence.
    Originally Posted by angie822
    I'm only 21

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you want electricity, pay for electric, and if you want to see what will happen if you don't, arrange to couch-surf with friends while the family grapples with who will pay the electric bill.

    Think of it this way: if you live on you own, you'll need to pay bills anyway. So pay for whatever you WANT at home, and consider it your rent. If you need a better job to move out, then make that your private goal and work toward it.

    It makes no sense to have arguments with family about what they'll do or not. Keep your eyes on your own paper, be kind to the people you must live with, and make other plans that will move you forward even while you get along with your current 'roommates'.

  8. #17
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    My hubs has a mom who was like this. She stopped working after her mom passed away, and didn't get another job for another decade, till my husband stopped enabling her, moved in with me. She used every manipulative statement in the book; cuz heck he was her meal ticket and doing all the cooking and cleaning. But another 5+ years, she finally got a good job. She's still an A-hole, but she is getting by just fine fiscally.

    Look into ads for housing around campus with roommates. And slowly pack to not be noticeable, taking a box over at a time. Then just move. A parents job is to get you ready for adulthood. They are only doing a disservice to you emotionally and fiscally.

    I move heavens and earth, so my kids are fed, taking care of, and can have a real childhood. You are bringing home the bacon; so don't for one second believe you don't get a say in your life and finances!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If you want electricity, pay for electric, and if you want to see what will happen if you don't, arrange to couch-surf with friends while the family grapples with who will pay the electric bill.

    Think of it this way: if you live on you own, you'll need to pay bills anyway. So pay for whatever you WANT at home, and consider it your rent. If you need a better job to move out, then make that your private goal and work toward it.

    It makes no sense to have arguments with family about what they'll do or not. Keep your eyes on your own paper, be kind to the people you must live with, and make other plans that will move you forward even while you get along with your current 'roommates'.
    She is paying car insurance, yet taking an uber. She is not simply paying her fair share.

    There is a difference between paying your own electric bill at your own place and paying for car insurance for cars that are not yours to drive and the main utilities because you are enabling your parents. Paying SOMETHING because you live there is one thing -- an agreed to upon amount, etc, every month or a bill, but there are 5 adults here and the household should not live and die based on a full time student supporting the family. As a full time student, as long as she is in school, her responsibility is to pay for her entertainment and anything above and beyond her parents would normally pay whether she was there or not (if she wants an iPhone, gas and car insurance for the car SHE drives). She should not subsidize her sister who doesn't work, etc, but has plenty of time to hang out with her bf.

    If to live there, one sister paid the electric and the other paid the cable/internet and another paid the car insurance - then that's different, as the "rent" they agreed to, that's another matter, but that's not the case.

  10. #19
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    I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by angie822
    I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!
    Why are you taking an Uber if you have a car? Sorry, but your parents should not "keep your car and use it while you take a cab". You make the payments each month, so pay them back and take the keys away from them. Or THEY make the payments and its their car. Honestly, this is worse than I thought. I mean, you wanted to pay cash for the car and somehow you end up making a downpayment and paying on a car you can't even drive? If you don't even have a license yet - what the heck, girl? Is the car in your name or theirs. How about the loan? If the loan is NOT in your name, I would stop making payments and use the money to get your license and pay towards all the ubers you must take to school. if its in yours and your parents names, talk to the bank and see what steps you need to take to get yourself off of it or buy them out.

    Add up all the ubers you have to take. How much is that per week. Certainly, you can afford to move into a dorm or an apartment with 2-3 other girls if you are paying $20 a day 5 days a week for Uber!!
    This is not even "i live there, and i don't want the electricity shut off"

    your parents and your sisters will smack up the car, and you will have nothing and they will expect you to pay.

    You need a reality check. Off the car. If you can put away the $200-400 you are paying in car and insurance, you can pay cash for a car when you leave the state in a few years. Or get a lease so you don't have to worry about repairs and when you get a good job, buy one.

    I guarantee you will leave the state empty handed with all the wear and tear. They will find away to use your $4k because they need a deposit to put the power back on in the house or it will be eaten up by repairs.

    I hope they do NOT know you have that money and its in your own account and not an account with your parents name they set up as a kid for you

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