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Recent Fall out with a family member, is it my fault?


angie822

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So here is the background, my family doesn't work. We live off social security income, I'm the only one working and goes to school full time. I'm getting stressed, my family has well over 5 adults and none of them work. One is 19 watching the younger siblings, other is 26 who stays home and literally does nothing but go out with her boyfriend and watches netflix. The other just recently graduated high school and is trying to pick up work. I'm paying for most of the bills, car payments for a car that i can't even drive, i pay for ubers to get to work and school and back home. I'm working and i'm broke, and I'm the only one working! I'm fed up and i'm tired, and recently i got into an argument with my eldest sister, we used to be like best friends and now we're not. We don't talk to one another, she unfriended me from facebook. She told me it's my fault i work part time, and I lost it. We got into a heated argument, and she said I act righteous thinking i'm better than my whole family for working. My mom told me I was selfish for getting mad at her for not being there for me to take me to work, because she has her own issues. Am I really in the wrong? I feel like I'm not, but everyone in my house is pinned against me. I just want to save and build my future is that wrong? My sister told me that I am working not for the family, but for myself. I am planning to move next year out of California, and she makes me feel bad like I'm abandoning my family. I don't know if I'm doing anything right.

 

 

(I'm only 21 and i'm trying to learn how to drive)

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I just wished it was easier, if no one is not paying the bills who will? The electricity is due, and I can cover it but i can't save money if all of it goes into bills. I have nothing left. I just feel like it's my responsibility now but yet I'm so fed up. I don't know what to do.

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If you could afford the electric bill, pay for HALF of an electric bill at an apartment with a female roommate who is not a family member.

Why is the 19 year old watching kids if no one else is working so they don't need the kids watched for them? Unless your parents are profoundly disabled.

The one that just graduated has some promise if she doesn't get swallowed up.

If you don't pay the bills - they will figure it out. What are they buying so not to pay the bills?

They can get food stamps or go to the community meals at churches, etc.

Or they can move.

 

Don't worry about what they will do - your parents should be leading the family and you need to secure your future. If you have to, go to school part time and work full time, but maybe if you are a college student you can find 3 other young ladies to rent with near school and afford it

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I guess being sheltered when I was a younger, as in being under 18 I couldn't do anything independently, I relied a lot of my parents and suddenly they stop working when we moved to California and expected us to grow up real fast. I need to stop being so scared, and just do something. I am a people pleaser, I guess I was just trying too hard to keep everyone happy and comfortable, that I even got bitter real fast. My parents aren't home often, so my 19 years old sister maintains the house, and takes care of the toddlers while they're away. It's just my older sister doesn't work or watches the kids, she goes out a lot to her bfs place and we all have spoken to her about getting a job. She just says she wants to get her permit first, and then switched plans and said until she gets her drivers license before finding a job which I also paid for her permit test. I think it really is time for me to move on. I used to work full time, but I decided to go to trade school to get out of a part time deli chain and move on. It's just hard to not look back and feel guilt and pain. I'm family oriented and walking away from it is so hard.

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It's not your problem regarding who will pay the bills if you're not when you move out. Let them figure it out.

 

In the meantime, be quiet. Don't argue anymore. Play your cards right. Be peaceful at all costs even at the expense of your dignity. Why? Because you have a plan and no sense fighting. Fighting will get you nowhere. Remain patient while you quietly devise your plan to move out permanently. Quietly continue working, keep your nose to the grindstone, save your money, make your swift exit when you are financially independent and move out of California. Do it in that order.

 

Survive on your own with careful advanced planning. You family are grown adults and it's up to them to sustain their household WITHOUT YOU.

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thank you so much for the encouraging words, I've been hitting dead end, sleepless nights, and just thinking to myself why it's so hard to do something right. I've been called selfish and righteous, and Cherylyn you're right. They can call me whatever they want, I need to stop resisting and do something for myself. They'll hate me when I leave, maybe, but when I can help myself, I know I can finally help them the way my heart desires. But it's got to be me first. I'm learning everyday, thank you for the helping me realize I can do something.

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I guess being sheltered when I was a younger, as in being under 18 I couldn't do anything independently, I relied a lot of my parents and suddenly they stop working when we moved to California and expected us to grow up real fast. I need to stop being so scared, and just do something. I am a people pleaser, I guess I was just trying too hard to keep everyone happy and comfortable, that I even got bitter real fast. My parents aren't home often, so my 19 years old sister maintains the house, and takes care of the toddlers while they're away. It's just my older sister doesn't work or watches the kids, she goes out a lot to her bfs place and we all have spoken to her about getting a job. She just says she wants to get her permit first, and then switched plans and said until she gets her drivers license before finding a job which I also paid for her permit test. I think it really is time for me to move on. I used to work full time, but I decided to go to trade school to get out of a part time deli chain and move on. It's just hard to not look back and feel guilt and pain. I'm family oriented and walking away from it is so hard.

 

There should be no "WE" told her to get a job. you are not her parent. Its your parents' household and you need to step back from parenting your siblings (unless your parents are neglectful of the little ones). If your parents worked when you all lived in another state, they can do something. If California isn't affordable, they can move. When you lived in another state, you probably had a normal childhood with parents who worked and took care of you so you could go to school. I think you are very motivated if you are going to trade school. That's wonderful. Pull yourself up === "family oriented" doesn't mean enabling them. if you had an 80 year old parent whose health was slipping - that is one thing - but there are 5 adults here. if they don't have you paying their bills, they will figure it out on their own. They will have to.

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thank you so much for the encouraging words, I've been hitting dead end, sleepless nights, and just thinking to myself why it's so hard to do something right. I've been called selfish and righteous, and Cherylyn you're right. They can call me whatever they want, I need to stop resisting and do something for myself. They'll hate me when I leave, maybe, but when I can help myself, I know I can finally help them the way my heart desires. But it's got to be me first. I'm learning everyday, thank you for the helping me realize I can do something.

 

If you pay their bills, you are enabling them. If mom were widowed and she was working two jobs to support the littles, I totally would get helping by watching the kids on your day off, buying little treats for the little kids that she can't afford --like a new book, fun school supplies, etc. But these people don't lift a finger because they know you will pay the bills

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@Shelluf62 I'm not comfortable sharing what they do, but my parents work on a farm in hopes for money. But they aren't real jobs that get paid bi weekly or monthly.

@abitbroken I've realized that I'm babying adults, and you're right i'm enabling them. I need to stop, and it is now. I step my foot on the ground already and am not paying the electricity bill this month. I've talked to my mother about this already and she isn't happy but they'll find a way.

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You are a classic enabler and people pleaser and you really need to get out of that situation and mind set. If you leave they WILL figure out how to pay the bills, because they will have to.

 

You'd be much further ahead to move into a tiny apt. or even a room you share with a friend than to keep doing what you are doing. They take advantage of you because they can.

 

If these other people are healthy and well enough to work, they need to be. Being a lout on the couch is a pitiful waste of a life, someone needs to kick their butts to get them moving, but that's not your job. Your job is to take care of you, plan for your future, get your license. But most of al, get the hell out of there.

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Stop paying any bills, concentrate on your own fate. It is not your job to rear your siblings. It is the responsibility of your/their parents.

 

Someone has conned you into taking responsibility for the others.

 

If you can get part time work, then all others 16 or older can do likewise and control their own fate.

 

Particularly your netflix watching sibling.

 

Save your money in an account nobody else has access to and move as soon as you can. Stay in school. Your education is your key to freedom.

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angie822, Be smart and stay strong! Ignore the name calling such as 'selfish' and 'self righteous.' Misery loves company. People family or no family will always manipulate conversations with name calling, labels and turning it around on you which is gaslighting btw. Google the word: "gaslighting." It's a real head trip let me tell you. It's a tricky, sneaky way to fight. Do not stoop down to their level and never engage.

 

Be shrewd. Make your own calculated plans for your future. Remain peaceful even when it is hard. Then when you are prepared financially, that is the time to make your exit out of your hell hole family life and out of California.

 

Be methodical with the way you think. Do things step by step QUIETLY. Your day in the sun will come. Be prudent and quietly plan your future.

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You are over 18. Move out on your own. Talk to the campus administration about student loans, financial aid and student housing. After 18, it's your job to provide yourself with housing and college education.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining and do something constructive toward your own independence. No one owes you free room and board. Anywhere you live you'll have to contribute to bills. So say home and whine or get out now and discover independence.

I'm only 21
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If you want electricity, pay for electric, and if you want to see what will happen if you don't, arrange to couch-surf with friends while the family grapples with who will pay the electric bill.

 

Think of it this way: if you live on you own, you'll need to pay bills anyway. So pay for whatever you WANT at home, and consider it your rent. If you need a better job to move out, then make that your private goal and work toward it.

 

It makes no sense to have arguments with family about what they'll do or not. Keep your eyes on your own paper, be kind to the people you must live with, and make other plans that will move you forward even while you get along with your current 'roommates'.

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My hubs has a mom who was like this. She stopped working after her mom passed away, and didn't get another job for another decade, till my husband stopped enabling her, moved in with me. She used every manipulative statement in the book; cuz heck he was her meal ticket and doing all the cooking and cleaning. But another 5+ years, she finally got a good job. She's still an A-hole, but she is getting by just fine fiscally.

 

Look into ads for housing around campus with roommates. And slowly pack to not be noticeable, taking a box over at a time. Then just move. A parents job is to get you ready for adulthood. They are only doing a disservice to you emotionally and fiscally.

 

I move heavens and earth, so my kids are fed, taking care of, and can have a real childhood. You are bringing home the bacon; so don't for one second believe you don't get a say in your life and finances!

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If you want electricity, pay for electric, and if you want to see what will happen if you don't, arrange to couch-surf with friends while the family grapples with who will pay the electric bill.

 

Think of it this way: if you live on you own, you'll need to pay bills anyway. So pay for whatever you WANT at home, and consider it your rent. If you need a better job to move out, then make that your private goal and work toward it.

 

It makes no sense to have arguments with family about what they'll do or not. Keep your eyes on your own paper, be kind to the people you must live with, and make other plans that will move you forward even while you get along with your current 'roommates'.

 

She is paying car insurance, yet taking an uber. She is not simply paying her fair share.

 

There is a difference between paying your own electric bill at your own place and paying for car insurance for cars that are not yours to drive and the main utilities because you are enabling your parents. Paying SOMETHING because you live there is one thing -- an agreed to upon amount, etc, every month or a bill, but there are 5 adults here and the household should not live and die based on a full time student supporting the family. As a full time student, as long as she is in school, her responsibility is to pay for her entertainment and anything above and beyond her parents would normally pay whether she was there or not (if she wants an iPhone, gas and car insurance for the car SHE drives). She should not subsidize her sister who doesn't work, etc, but has plenty of time to hang out with her bf.

 

If to live there, one sister paid the electric and the other paid the cable/internet and another paid the car insurance - then that's different, as the "rent" they agreed to, that's another matter, but that's not the case.

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I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!

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I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!

 

Why are you taking an Uber if you have a car? Sorry, but your parents should not "keep your car and use it while you take a cab". You make the payments each month, so pay them back and take the keys away from them. Or THEY make the payments and its their car. Honestly, this is worse than I thought. I mean, you wanted to pay cash for the car and somehow you end up making a downpayment and paying on a car you can't even drive? If you don't even have a license yet - what the heck, girl? Is the car in your name or theirs. How about the loan? If the loan is NOT in your name, I would stop making payments and use the money to get your license and pay towards all the ubers you must take to school. if its in yours and your parents names, talk to the bank and see what steps you need to take to get yourself off of it or buy them out.

 

Add up all the ubers you have to take. How much is that per week. Certainly, you can afford to move into a dorm or an apartment with 2-3 other girls if you are paying $20 a day 5 days a week for Uber!!

This is not even "i live there, and i don't want the electricity shut off"

 

your parents and your sisters will smack up the car, and you will have nothing and they will expect you to pay.

 

You need a reality check. Off the car. If you can put away the $200-400 you are paying in car and insurance, you can pay cash for a car when you leave the state in a few years. Or get a lease so you don't have to worry about repairs and when you get a good job, buy one.

 

I guarantee you will leave the state empty handed with all the wear and tear. They will find away to use your $4k because they need a deposit to put the power back on in the house or it will be eaten up by repairs.

 

I hope they do NOT know you have that money and its in your own account and not an account with your parents name they set up as a kid for you

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I have almost 4k in my saving right now that I have saved from my last income tax, and trying to add more money into there. The story about my car, my mom said that I should buy a car, we had only one car at the time. I told her I don't want to buy a car because financially it's burdening and I didn't even have a drivers license, I'd prefer to save for it on my own and buy it full cash instead of a down payment and having to pay monthly. But they did a down payment of 2k for the car and I'm responsible for the rest, it was 8k total. They say it's my car once I'm done paying it. So I have to pay the car, and this car will be mine. I'll take this car with me out of state. I'm researching housing, jobs over there while i'm in school. I've talked to my career advisor counselor on setting a resume to appeal to out of state employment. I'm making a big change in my life, and I'm thankful for all of the advices given to me on this post. I've posted on several life advice forum and so far this is the only forum that has responded to me! So thank you! your responses really gave me the strength!

 

Why did they not use the 2K to pay bills so their child in college is not supporting her family?

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Money is to improve your life. So start with finding student or roommate style housing. A car is never an investment. It's a depreciating tool/convenience. Learn to manage your money better. Money is to 1) support yourself 2) pay for the things you have to and need (such as a car). Continuing to live off your family and argue about money and bad choices with money is getting you nowhere. Once you get out of your parents house and become financially independent, you may be eligible for student loans, financial aid, low cost student housing, etc. The first step is to cut the cord and get out on your own. It would solve all your problems and conflicts.

I have almost 4k in my saving right
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I feel like a lot of people in this thread are advocating for someone to cut ties with their family as if that is easy to do. I understand the complexity here. This is your family and they are putting a lot of pressure on you to not be independent, but instead to be part of their unit. And there are innocent toddlers here at risk, having a sibling take care of them, having irresponsible adults. It's not fair to you or those kids. I totally understand how you feel tied to this situation. And it's not so simple to just move out and leave because I understand the guilt you would feel. Your parents' situation sounds a little strange to me. I suspect that what they're doing may not be legal. And that's not why you're here, and that's not for us to get involved in, but it's another layer of guilt and entrapment for you. They're being really crappy to you and that's not fair. But I also would not be surprised if this is going to be a burden for you for life: this balancing act between independently fulfilling your own potential and having to be a member of this family. I don't advocate cutting ties with them and just shipping off without looking back. Your family is important, and they are deeply flawed, and that's complicated. I think anyone else here would feel just as conflicted as you do, and as frustrated.

 

Maybe for some people, leaving their families behind is easy and obvious, but for a lot of people it isn't, and this comes down to a system of values. You have to decide how important your family is to you, and how important it will be to you to have a relationship with them. It's not an easy decision at all and you're wise to think it over. But keep in mind, relationships can expand and contact from distant to close and back again. You don't have to permanently cut them off, and you don't have to be wholly enmeshed in their household, either.

 

Decide what sacrifices you want to make, and how important financial independence would be to you, verses how important family relationships would be. Because it sounds like they're putting you in the position to choose. If you stay involved, you will sacrifice independence and you will grow even more bitter and frustrated, but you'll have your family there around you. I know that you're angry with them, but I think part of you feels like you "ought" to be there. And part of that is the pressure they're putting on you, that you "should" and "ought" to be there for them. That's unfair for them to do. In a more fair family, they would embrace you and accept your decisions, and support and encourage your independence while treating you just as valued as a member of their unit.

 

I think that your family should value you unconditionally, for who you are, and that they should not simply value you for your financial contributions, because that's not unconditional love. I think they should respect your desire for independence and not make you feel guilty about that.

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If she never gets a chance to break away, she will not be able to build her own autonomy.

 

No one is saying cut ties. But there is nothing wrong with taking a break from them.

 

I agree, but I also understand that's hard to do sometimes when you've been raised to believe that you owe something to your family and that family obligations are moral obligations, and when you fear that taking a break will be permanent and will cause you to lose your family altogether. As much as they suck, maybe angie822 feels a strong connection to her family and still wants to have relationships with them, and may fear that she will lose them if she takes a break. In fact, she might lose them if her family decides to react that way to her seeking her own autonomy. That's a scary threat. Most people want to have a family on their side. Some people I know have struggled their whole lives going back and forth, not knowing which is worse, having their family in their lives or no family in their lives.

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