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Thread: Is she depressed, afraid to commit or am I being played?

  1. #1
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    Is she depressed, afraid to commit or am I being played?

    So to basically explain this very confusing situation I'm in right now, about two months ago I met a girl on tinder and within the first week of just speaking to each other through text we hit it off fairly well, spoke mostly every day, would talk all the way up to about one or two in the morning, if she went to sleep I'd wake up to a message in the morning where she'd tell me that she was sorry that she fell asleep. About a week later we met up went to a movie, hit it off very well on that date. Kept speaking to each other, would keep going out on dates and everything between us was going very well. We eventually confessed to each other that we both liked each other, we then start kissing and eventually ended up having sex at her place. She also told me how she wanted a relationship at this point in her life and wanted one that was going to last forever and wanted to be married at some point in her life.

    And for the remainder of the two months I'd see her every week, we'd speak every single day, I'd wake up to a good morning text from her every day, We ended up having sex again. We'd kiss, cuddle, hold hands, she'd stay the night at my place and sleep in my bed and be cuddled up to me all night long. She didn't want to rush into a relationship because she was scared of me bailing on her because she told me that guys tend to get bored of her after two to three months and then they'd bail, she had also been cheated on by every single boyfriend she ever had, including walking in on it happening at one point, so she was also scared of being hurt. I told her that if she didn't want to rush things that was fine but that I was also scared too because every girlfriend I've ever had ends up leaving me for another guy. I told her that we need to heal together and learn how to trust together and that I'd never bail on her if she remained loyal to me and that I wanted us to be an exclusive thing where we'd only see each other and no one else and she agreed to this and everything remain normal. We kept seeing each other and going out on dates and talking every day, I told her I was planning on asking her out at some point and she said she didn't know what she'd say but that she really liked me because when guys approach her on the idea of being in a relationship she bails, she also told me that she gets a depressed episode every now and then and when it happens she pushes everyone away and begins to second guess her life, she also told me that she pushes people she likes away as well, Despite this I never noticed anything wrong and everything between us remained normal despite the fact we still weren't official.

    Then within the last two and a half weeks things went strange..I invited her to a party and I got way too drunk and ended up embarrassing her in front of people and told her way too much about my feelings and it actually made her leave but yet she kept talking to me the next day and she told me it was okay and I was just being drunk and stupid and she left because she didn't want me to mess things up, so then for about a few days it was still normal, and we had plans to go out and then she randomly ditched me telling me she had plans with her best friend even though I had asked and arranged it with her first, When I asked her she sent me a meme with the quotation "When you have to reject your crush because you are nowhere mentally stable enough for a relationship" upon further asking her she said that she was going through an episode and that she's no where near what I need and that I deserve better, I told her that I'm here for her if she wants to talk and that I care for her and all she said to me was that I shouldn't, yet even with this going on she kept reaching out to me but when I'd respond she would say nothing, so I admit I got a little mad at one point and told her if she wasn't going to say anything to not bother messaging me at all, She then told me that she doesn't know what to say and when I got her to talk she said she freaked out because she likes me, but she doesn't want to like me and doesn't want to like anyone and how she feels like I'm rushing her into something she doesn't know if it's a good idea or not, I told her it's okay and that we'll take things at a pace that makes her more comfortable and she can dictate how fast things go and that all she needs to do is talk to me instead of pushing me away, she said she was sorry and then for about an entire week she kept reaching out every day but she'd take almost an entire day to message me while be active on her social media accounts and I'd see her talking to her friends in comment sections on memes she'd post, we'd also went out to dinner during this and she told me she didn't want to think about dating until it was basically happening and I said it was okay and we'll take things her pace as long we can still remain an exclusive thing and she'd agreed, and then when I dropped her off at home she hugged and kissed me goodnight and we still kept talking every day for a few days, just with her taking forever to get back to me.

    Then I tried arranging plans with her again, only for her to bail on them, At this point I just straight up asked her what was going on and she told me that she feels like we took things too fast and how I like her more than she wants me to and how she realized I'm not a bad person and that she thinks I'm really sweet and kind and how she doesn't deserve any of it and how she wants to distance herself before she "s up" and hurts me for real because that's what she always does, I told her that It's not fair that she tells me that she wants a relationship and when I make a move forward she pushes me away, She told me it's because she really does like me and how she likes talking to me and spending time with me but that she's realized she's not ready for a relationship right now and how she just wants us to be friends while she sorts herself out and would rather see me happy without her than string me along, She told me that she does like me, but doesn't want to like me, doesn't want to like anyone, doesn't want to be romantically involved with anyone but really wants me in her life as her friend but that if I decided to walk away she'd understand and she wouldn't be mad but she still really wanted me around and that she's sorry for how she went about this and how she should of handled things better but then when I would ask if she did have romantic feelings for me she'd tell me that she did but not anymore and when I asked why, she said she didn't know and that she doesn't understand what's going on with her, and when I asked if this an episode she said she thinks it is, and that she thinks she's bipolar and this is one of the worst one's shes ever had and how she keeps hurting everyone around her and doesn't know how to stop. I eventually gave in and told her we can be friends while she sorts herself out, she then agreed to this and we remained speaking for a while, she was at a concert and was even messaging me at 3 in the morning, telling me how she wants to go to shows with me, I then tried arranging another date with her, she told me what day she'd be free and then on that day, I didn't hear from her at all and then I went about two days without speaking to her, broke and just sent her some funny memes to her facebook messenger, she replied to them instantly giving me laughing emojis but then when I asked "Are you still feeling kinda down?" she never opened the message at all and she's currently active on her social media accounts, posted some depressing memes on facebook and I saw all her friends commenting very positive stuff about her, I've seen no evidence of another guy.

    So I'm kind of at a loss here and that's why I'm posting it here, I've tried talking to my friends about it but they're all convinced she's sleeping around on me because she has a very promiscuous past but she's also told me multiple times that she's ashamed of it and wants someone to actually like her and doesn't want to be used for sex anymore, and I don't want to hear that from my friends because all my relationships ended with a girl randomly going cold on me and then dumping me for another guy and then I find out I was cheated on afterwards and I don't want to think about that possibility right now because it makes me immensely paranoid and stressed out. Is this her being depressed? Is she just commitment phobic? Or am I being played here? I like this girl a lot and would love to have a relationship with her and I don't want to give up on her right now but this is so confusing and stressful and it's been going on for two and a half weeks now, I want things between us to back to normal and it's great that we've spoke every day except for two days during this but I'm honestly just confused and wanting to see what the opinion of this forum would be.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Dating is not how you heal from past pain caused by dating. Yeah, that kind of dynamic can get hot fast, but it burns out just as quickly. Rather than turning into an armchair shrink obsessed with understanding her, I'd just take that as the lesson here. Give yourself some time to fix your own wounds, so you're not looking for broken birds to heal them.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but no oneónot me, not another poster here, not your friends, not even herócan tell you with any certainty whether she's depressed, afraid to commit, or "playing" you. All of the above! None of the above! What difference does it make, in the end? All that leads you to the same spot, which is pretty simple: you had a two month thing that didn't work. Happens.

    From your novel above I could easily write a novel in return about how this woman is super messed up, and clearly knows it, but the most important question to ask right now is: Why are you so hung up on a woman who announced herself as super messed up from basically day one? I know you want things to go back to normalóbut this thing? That is not what normal looks like. That's damage attaching onto damage and making a fire: warm, then hot, then gone.

  3. #3
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    Cause I developed feelings for her and I don't want to give up on her just yet.

  4. #4
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    Cause I developed feelings for her and I don't want to give up on her just yet.

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    OP, I'm new here, recently been broken up with, and I'm sorry you're having this trouble. Like I said, I'm new, and by no means an expert. This forum has helped me though with some great insight, and this is just my two pennies.

    No one here can diagnose her with depression. If it's something she struggles with it's not up to you to try and decode the puzzle and fix it, you can only encourage her to get help. Don't be her therapist, it will drain you. Having been in a relationship and gone through a depressive episode myself, I can say that it can push people away. However, that wasn't a choice of mine. The depression symptoms took care of that for me, it wasn't a conscious effort on my part. Now, that's not to say that depression can't affect people in different ways, but I agree with bluecastle that in the end the reason doesn't really matter, you end up in the same place.

    By the sounds of it, you're not happy or okay with being there. I know you don't want to give up on her just yet, and probably nothing you'll read here will make you want to, I won't judge you for it. But, as someone with personal experience, you can't change her if it truly is depression causing this behaviour. The will and desire to change HAS to come from within her. Can you encourage her to seek help? Yes. But, if she doesn't want to, she won't.

    I know it's not nice to hear, but with her past and way of dealing with things in the past, there is that possibility that she could have been lining up someone else when you started getting too close. Maybe she hasn't. But, if you stick around with her whilst she gets herself together, you have to prepare that it could be a possibility, and you'll end up worse off and more hurt, and feel once again that every girl you seem linked to ends up with someone else.

    If you really feel you're able, and somewhat happy with the situation you're in now, then of course you could stay and hope that she'll come around. But, by the sounds of it, you really want a relationship, and she really doesn't. You have to ask yourself how long you're willing to wait, and how much hurt you're willing to inflict on yourself along the way (assuming you ever even end up there). I hope whatever the outcome you find happiness and someone who shares your desire to be in a fulfilling relationship.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Metaler1200
    Cause I developed feelings for her and I don't want to give up on her just yet.
    I don't mean to be rude, but so what? This isn't just about you, have you considered what she wants?

    Which is something entirely different from what you want, and the fact you are not respecting that makes your attitude above quite self-centered, and even arrogant, imo.

    I don't know how old you are, but I am going to guess pretty young. But when you get older, hopefully you will learn that you don't always get everything you want in life, including women.

    Women are not some extension of you, and always going to think like you or want what you want. And you'd be wise to respect when they don't.

    Now my take on all this is that this girl has sensed this self-centeredness in you, even though you've strategically crafted it into appearing like you actually care.

    I realize you're attracted to her, but if you truly cared, you'd be respecting her boundaries and her wishes, accept she doesn't want what you want (at least not with you, sorry) that she's not "feeling it" same as you, and leave her alone.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Delacrank's Avatar
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    point in case, you got drunk embarrassed her and she lost feelings for you. I think thats pretty much it. Sometimes women be like that. I think the situation was recoverable if you played it cool, but you just kept being mushy and that turned her off even more. The law of attraction states that people want what they can't obtain. You have shown nothing but availability, I'm not suggesting play games but seriously you can have a life outside of this girl.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I don't think that you being drunk and embarrassing her has anything to do with it. She's messed up and she knows it but that doesn't make what she did ok. She knows she can't be in a relationship and yet she persuaded one with you. Then she pulled back. That's not nice.

    The first step to recovery is indeed to recognize your problems, but if you don't actually deal with them, just stating that you're messed up doesn't give you a free pass into f*ing with other people's emotions.

    The only thing you can control in this, is yourself. My recent break up was sort of like yours. In the end he wanted to remain friends, like best friends because the relationship was "too much" for him. I told him I will need to go NC in order to give our friendship a fighting chance. I would advise you to do the same. She could be dating now, but she wouldn't be doing anything wrong since you're friends. She even told you that she'd rather break up with you now, than rather do something stupid and ruin everything even worse. She is taking care of her needs, even if it's hurting you right now. You need to take care of yours.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After 8 weeks of dating, this is a lot of drama. Even though she provided you with fast/easy company and sex, she sounds too damaged to date. She also may just not be that into you. Stop scouring her social media. It sounds like this was too much too soon and you forwarded it too fast. Give her space.


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